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Girlfriend Problem

S

Sportsguru15

Member
Ok, this is very hard for me. I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 3 years. She has been fighting peer pressure with alcohol for a long time. She has been a christian her whole life and has helped me become very close to God. She is a great person and in no way wants to live the life this story portrays.

One night back in December she got "black out drunk". She doesn't remember this at all, but she had sex with another man that night. The only way she knew what happened is because she woke up beside him. I know she would never do this in the right mind, she would never hurt me. A month later she figured out she was pregnant. She decided theres no way she could have the baby, and her parents (also great christians), backed that decision after lots of thought. Now they never supported abortion until this happened to their daughter.

I figured out about this whole situation just this last month. When I first figured out about it my first reaction was to let her go. I have talked a ton with my parents and made my decision with them. I chose to continue dating her, because I think that I can help her get through the tough times she will have with having an abortion. I also think I can help her stay close to God and someday make her my wife.

She struggles everyday with the whole situation. She feels like God won't ever forgive her. I remind her every time that there is no sin too big. I can tell that this girl loves me. I feel like she will never hurt me like this again.

Since the abortion, my girlfriend has avoided alcohol for the most part. She still struggles with it because all of her friends do it. But, I can tell she is putting all she has left into our relationship. I sometimes struggle with the images of her with that other guy. But I have to reassure myself that if she was in the "right mind" she wouldn't have done this to me.


I just ask of you guys to give me your opinion on what I should have done or reassure me that I have made the right decision?
 
OK. First of all this is too fantastic for me to believe, and I don't know if this is true or not but I'll bite.

The next thing I want to state is that God is not here to be a magical genie to solve our problems or grant us forgiveness because we call ourselves "Christian" and then get ourselves into beyond "Dear Abby" messes.

I'm wondering if this is all for real, but I'll give the benefit of the doubt. Lastly, as for the right decision, yours is to proclaim the Kingdom of God and not get the Lord involved in such self-inflicted situations. There's work to be done.... the last days are here and there are far more important things to do than to worry about ourselves.

I may sound harsh and matter-of-factly, but in the end you'll thank me for it. Don't get yourself tangled in such dramas. Sometimes I think some people love to live their whole life on dramas as if there's nothing better to do.
 
Yes Tim, this is the absolute truth. Our relationship has been without drama for the most part until this situation. I just don't feel like I can leave her because I love her too much.
 
I also understand how many sins that have happened during this situation. I don't just call myself a christian and ask for forgiveness only to jump back into sin. Nobody is perfect and this is why I have chosen to forgive her. When I talk to her I can tell that she feels terrible with the choices she has made. God forgives though, as long as you are sincere. There will always be temptations and sometimes it's really hard to say no.
 
Sportsguru15 said:
Ok, this is very hard for me. I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 3 years. She has been fighting peer pressure with alcohol for a long time. She has been a christian her whole life and has helped me become very close to God. She is a great person and in no way wants to live the life this story portrays.

One night back in December she got "black out drunk". She doesn't remember this at all, but she had sex with another man that night. The only way she knew what happened is because she woke up beside him. I know she would never do this in the right mind, she would never hurt me. A month later she figured out she was pregnant. She decided theres no way she could have the baby, and her parents (also great christians), backed that decision after lots of thought. Now they never supported abortion until this happened to their daughter.

I figured out about this whole situation just this last month. When I first figured out about it my first reaction was to let her go. I have talked a ton with my parents and made my decision with them. I chose to continue dating her, because I think that I can help her get through the tough times she will have with having an abortion. I also think I can help her stay close to God and someday make her my wife.

She struggles everyday with the whole situation. She feels like God won't ever forgive her. I remind her every time that there is no sin too big. I can tell that this girl loves me. I feel like she will never hurt me like this again.

Since the abortion, my girlfriend has avoided alcohol for the most part. She still struggles with it because all of her friends do it. But, I can tell she is putting all she has left into our relationship. I sometimes struggle with the images of her with that other guy. But I have to reassure myself that if she was in the "right mind" she wouldn't have done this to me.


I just ask of you guys to give me your opinion on what I should have done or reassure me that I have made the right decision?
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What makes you think she will not abort your child for someone better than you?
 
Forgiveness of someone does not mean you allow them another opportunity to repeat the offense.

She cheated on you. Although she may claim she was drunk when this happened, alcohol doesn't change the way people think. It lowers inhibitions; making you more likely to do something you already wanted to do. This alone should be a MAJOR red flag about her loyalty to you. A relationship where she's three beers away from cheating on you is not a healthy relationship.

Then there's the killing of her child. Again, we're not appointed to hate people for their sins, but to forgive. At the same time, this should be another major red flag. Even if you married her and had a child in wedlock, you (as a male) have absolutely no say whatsoever if she keeps the child or kills it. The child she got rid of was no less precious to God, no less innocent than a child you would have with her. I'd warn you strongly to consider this.

I can only imagine the pain you're in, but running straight back to the source of the pain is not the answer... rather I'd suggest laying it before God and seeing what His answer is to you. Good luck.
 
Sportsguru... in the three years you've been together, have you had sex with this woman? I'll await your answer...
 
Wow! These are indeed insightful answers to this fellow. I was wondering if I was being a little rough on him --- but the bottom line of what I was saying is that he should do the Lord's work and not obsess over this situation. I agree with the others' opinions especially about the comment being "3 beers away".

The time's too short to squander it over this kind of stuff. I know that (I'm assuming) a young heart has a hard time accepting this, but it's the truth.
 
handy said:
Sportsguru... in the three years you've been together, have you had sex with this woman? I'll await your answer...
Click to expand...


Yes, Ive had sex with her. Me and her have worked together though and decided that it is best for our relationship to not have sex.

In the story I told, I am sorry I made my girlfriend sound like an alcoholic. She is not. At the most she drinks 2 times a month. She doesn't like alcohol, she just finds it hard to say no to her friends.

The problem I am having is I love her so much. I have already told her that I forgive her and I wanted to stay with her. I can tell that she regrets the decisions she has made. Since the situation, she has only touched alcohol once and I happened to be with her. I feel like she is trying to change for the good. This is why I stayed with her, because I truly feel that she is sorry. I think she realized what she almost lost in me. She claims that almost three nights a week she cries her self to sleep because of the abortion and cheating on me.


A little background on her. She has done lots of mission work with her family and is dedicated at going to church. We are from a small town and it seems like everyone here drinks alcohol. It is hard for her to say no to her friends when they have alcohol around. For the most part though, she is able to stay away from it. One of her "friends" parties alot, and puts alot of bad Ideas into my girlfriends head (cheating, drinking, etc.). My girlfriend has figured out that this girl is not actually a friend to her, but is holding her back from a christ filled life. She has also figured out that her "friends" are not actually friends if they don't support her decision to not drink. My girlfriend is going to attend a christian college next year, and I truly believe she has started a new leaf and left the partying behind.

I love being around her. Theres nothing more in this world that I love more besides God. I have also been through the partying stage in my life. I abandoned that lifestyle about a year ago.

I have come to the conclusion that if any of her immaturity towards these matters continue, then I will have to leave her. But, for right now I made the decision to try and work things out. I have just became to close to her family and too close to her. She was also the one that helped me realize that the lifestyle I was living was not good.

I guess more that I want to ask of you guys, is how do I make it easier on myself to forgive her?

I understand that most people would of called it quits on this relationship along time ago, but I didn't. I feel like she needs my help. Really consider that she realized how bad the mistake is she made and tells me she will never hurt me like this again. By looking in her eyes I feel like she is telling the truth.
 
On the cheating issue. I have had inhibitions to cheat on my girlfriend also, but I never acted on those feelings even though they weren't that strong. Alcohol brings out those inhibitions to a whole new level. It is really hard for someone to say no when they are that drunk. Which is why I am glad she is trying to give up alcohol.
 
well. im going to blunt and it may hurt. since i have now married a woman that was wild and well she wasnt that way when i was with her and isnt really now but has some of that baggage. NO. dont do it.

your bond of unity is blinding you. leave her and dont look back and get into the word. build yourself up in him. man i wish i listened more to what god said then to me. my marriage is needed work itself and alot of it from her past and mine. long story short. if i saw now what my wife was i wouldnt have married her. it hurts as i really do love her but that is the facts.im at fault her too.
 
jasoncran said:
well. im going to blunt and it may hurt. since i have now married a woman that was wild and well she wasnt that way when i was with her and isnt really now but has some of that baggage. NO. dont do it.

your bond of unity is blinding you. leave her and dont look back and get into the word. build yourself up in him. man i wish i listened more to what god said then to me. my marriage is needed work itself and alot of it from her past and mine. long story short. if i saw now what my wife was i wouldnt have married her. it hurts as i really do love her but that is the facts.im at fault her too.
Click to expand...

Wow jason, that is intense. Perhaps I've become so accustomed to the dramaticized version of how people meet, date, and get married that I forget it's not always that cut and dry...

And to the OP, what you are doing is commendable, and I know you love her, but what she did...whew. You may be able to forgive her, but an event like this, I don't know if you or her will ever truly FORGET. And that could become a problem in the future....
 
Navigator said:
Wow jason, that is intense. Perhaps I've become so accustomed to the dramaticized version of how people meet, date, and get married that I forget it's not always that cut and dry...

And to the OP, what you are doing is commendable, and I know you love her, but what she did...whew. You may be able to forgive her, but an event like this, I don't know if you or her will ever truly FORGET. And that could become a problem in the future....
Click to expand...

Ya, I have thought about that. Do you think it could be a good thing to work things out though? Couldn't there be a lot of upsides to that too?

But, do remember the next immaturity issue I have with her I will be done with this relationship. I feel like my heart can only handle so much more.
 
Sportsguru15, neither your relationship nor the man who had a one night relationship is holy before God. You are neither engaged nor married to her.

Firstly, she did a grave mistake but far worse is secondly she did a murder by spilling an "innocent" blood to avoid the consequence of the first sin. While many Christians teach generational curses no longer exists in NT, I strongly disagree (you can read my blog at my signature). Marriage is not about you and your love but your children and your generation after you. God did not create sex only for pleasure but to raise godly children which is the primary aim of it. If you marry her with blood on her hands, you can see how God will question your children for killing an innocent life.

You must not forget:
(Jer 51:56) .. For the LORD [is] the God of recompense, He will surely repay.

Scripture says,
(1Kgs 11:1) But King Solomon loved many foreign women, as well as the daughter of Pharaoh: women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians, [and] Hittites --
So do you love her inspite of blood on her hands - a murderer of innocent life.
Isn't it convincing the way she is crying? Judas too cried and regretted. Delilah too was so convincing that Samson failed to realize the danger.

Who you chose to be your wife decides how your life will get transformed.

The best is to pray to God to destroy this relationship if your marriage to her doesn't please Him.
 
felix said:
Sportsguru15, neither your relationship nor the man who had a one night relationship is holy before God. You are neither engaged nor married to her.

Firstly, she did a grave mistake but far worse is secondly she did a murder by spilling an "innocent" blood to avoid the consequence of the first sin. While many Christians teach generational curses no longer exists in NT, I strongly disagree (you can read my blog at my signature). Marriage is not about you and your love but your children and your generation after you. God did not create sex only for pleasure but to raise godly children which is the primary aim of it. If you marry her with blood on her hands, you can see how God will question your children for killing an innocent life.

You must not forget:
(Jer 51:56) .. For the LORD [is] the God of recompense, He will surely repay.

Scripture says,
(1Kgs 11:1) But King Solomon loved many foreign women, as well as the daughter of Pharaoh: women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians, [and] Hittites --
So do you love her inspite of blood on her hands - a murderer of innocent life.
Isn't it convincing the way she is crying? Judas too cried and regretted. Delilah too was so convincing that Samson failed to realize the danger.

Who you chose to be your wife decides how your life will get transformed.

The best is to pray to God to destroy this relationship if your marriage to her doesn't please Him.
Click to expand...

Thank you soo much for your response. Everything you said made sense..I will pray to God to destroy my relationship if my marriage to her doesn't please Him.

But, if the relationship does stay intact, I will continue to give my heart to this woman.

This is exactly what I needed to hear. I know that what has happened is not good in God's eyes. But, no one is without sin and the only way we can stand before God is through Jesus' actions. Once again thank you.
 
Ok, now this question:

What if she is truly sorry for her sins? She repents to God and God forgives her of all of her sins. Will he punish her still, if he hasn't already, for her sins?
 
OK...

So this Christian woman


  • succumbs to peer pressure instead of seeking godly friendships
  • has sex with her boyfriend instead of waiting for marriage
  • drinks even when saying she doesn't want to

  • drinks to the point of being "black out drunk" and winding up in bed with a guy, saying she doesn't remember being there (yet this was after her boyfriend stood upon the conviction that they shouldn't be engaging in fornication)
  • has an abortion and thereby murdering a wholly innocent life instead of at the very least carrying the baby and giving the baby to a couple in adoption
  • has parents who have a hard time standing upon godly principles when the chips are down as well....

What part about all of this screams, SHE IS A BORN AGAIN BELIEVER?

I know you love her... and yes, you forgive her.

However, the most you can say about her supposed life in Christ is that she wants to go to church, has done missionary work and wants to go to a Christian college.

Looking at this scenario as a dispassionate observer, what I see is a young lady who tries to keep up appearances because that's the kind of family she was born into, but is highly tempted to drink, party and have sex and is willing to kill her own child to escape the consequences of her actions. What I don't see is a young lady who is living out the fruit of the Spirit in her life.

This isn't to say that Christians don't make mistakes... but she's racked up a zowie lot of "mistakes" for such a young woman... up to and including the killing of her unborn child.

I strongly, strongly recommend that you take a break. Take a break from her, work on grounding yourself in the Lord and building up your own life in Christ.

Encourage and exhort her to do the same. After she gets through college, if the two of you still find that you're attracted to each other, then the two of you can work on your relationship, but from a more godly mature perspective.

I'm saying this more for her benefit than yours, believe it or not. You sound like a pretty level headed guy, one who takes his walk with God seriously and walks the walk, even when it gets rough. I really don't have a lot of reservations about your ability to grow in the Lord even as you're waiting for her to become the woman who would make a proper helpmeet for a Christian man.

But, Sweetie, she isn't there yet. She just isn't. She's torn between the old life of sin and being a new creation in Christ.... You are part of the new creation in Christ, but at a fairly deep level she is rejecting, not just you, but what it means to be a Christian and is falling back into sin.

She really needs time to not have any guy in her life but Jesus for awhile. She needs time to really work it out just who she is... is she just being a Christian because that's what expected of the daughter of missionaries, or is she going to completely become a slave to Christ?

She hasn't answered that question in her life, which is why she's waffling so much. Give her space, give her up for the Lord, and see which way she'll go. After about a year or two, you'll see what happens... If she truly becomes the Lord, perhaps the two of you will make a match.

But... don't hang on for now. It isn't healthy for either her spiritual walk or yours.

Just saw this:
Ok, now this question:

What if she is truly sorry for her sins? She repents to God and God forgives her of all of her sins. Will he punish her still, if he hasn't already, for her sins?
Click to expand...
I don't believe God is interested in punishing her sins... Christ already took the punishment for her sins. But, God is interested in creating her anew... Her repenting is part of that process, but only part.

If you're not familiar with Matthew 13 and the Parable of the Sower, do read it. I believe, from what you've shared, your girlfriend is like a seed sown in thorns... she has heard the word... perhaps all her life... but the world and it's deceits have a choke hold on her. This is something that the Holy Spirit will help her with, but she's got to want it.

Pray for her, but let her go for now and exhort her to really work out her walk with God. If she does, then the two of you may very well have years and years of joy ahead of you.... but if you try to be the knight in shining armor, rescuing the damsel in distress... well, to borrow from Dr. Laura, all you're likely to get is a distressed damsel.
 
Thanks for your input Handy. I may have to use this. My girlfriend is away working at a summer youth camp right now. I will discuss all that I have heard here with her and come to a conclusion. I will tell you all of my decision after I have made it.
 
I'll be praying for the both of you.

She hasn't committed any "unpardonable sin" here... but she's waffling, it's clear. Giving some time for her to sort out her own relationship with God will make all her relationships stronger.
 
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