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Given by choice or by request

Edward said:
Like most women my ex-wife was like that. She needed constant affirmation. She would say I love you, and if i didn't say it back, it was like my love for her was in question or something. It felt to me that that it was robotic and took away from the reality of it and took it to some sort of twisted contractual obligatory place instead of the heart.

Though I was mindful of her need to be reaffirmed, and didn't want to be confrontational about it, I attempted to strike a balance. I am of the mind that one can easily over-use compliments. Women are always being complimented, and so a lot of them slide off of them I think, sounding like a line or whatever. So what I tried was when she would say I love you, I would respond with thank you so much that makes me feel wonderful. And to, to a certain extent, restrain the over used compliments and not go blubbering along all day to her sounding like some sort of desperate puppy, but to choose my moments to compliment her or to say I love you. With the idea being that less frequent compliments do not sound fake or contractural and I would choose my compliments wisely and my wording. it is not hard to look for the good in people and see something worth complimenting other than their beauty, though at times this has to be mentioned also. Same thing with saying I love you...it had to be at a time of my choosing to not seem fake I think. Even if it was a mere 60 seconds later, still mine. Thank you honey, get up, go to the bathroom, come out i love you because...Boom, there you go.

Take that for what it's worth brother. It did work very well for me even though she did eventually become materialistic and wandered off :sad After 26 years too, dangit.
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If the missus buys new jeans and asks " do these jeans make my bottom look big " and I reply " no your bottom makes the jeans look big" Is that a no go ?
 
agua. said:
If the missus buys new jeans and asks " do these jeans make my bottom look big " and I reply " no your bottom makes the jeans look big" Is that a no go ?
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That's treading on dangerous territory there! One has to be careful of the context of the speech to a high maintenance gal. One time my wife said "do this make me look good?" (talking about her new outfit). That didn't click right with me so I said No. She gave me the double barrel shotgun eyes and said WHAT? So I said, you make that look very good. And all was right in the universe again. She smiled big and says I see what you mean.

:clap Score one for Ed. :lol
 
TOG said:
There is no correct answer to the question "Does this make me look fat?".

The TOG​
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Sure there is brother. But one must be able to decipher the real question here. Women speak in code talk. The real question here is, Am I still desirable? Or perhaps, Am I pushing the edge of the envelope too much with this outfit with regard to my size?
 
Edward said:
Sure there is brother. But one must be able to decipher the real question here. Women speak in code talk. The real question here is, Am I still desirable? Or perhaps, Am I pushing the edge of the envelope too much with this outfit with regard to my size?
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Consider the possibilities...

Q: Do these pants make me look fat?
A1: Yes, those pants make you look fat. (You're in trouble)
A2: No, the pants don't make you look fat. (You're in more trouble.)
A3: <Silence> (You're in the biggest trouble of all).

Since there's no way out of it, you might as well have some fun and use the second answer.

The TOG​
 
TOG said:
Consider the possibilities...

Q: Do these pants make me look fat?
A1: Yes, those pants make you look fat. (You're in trouble)
A2: No, the pants don't make you look fat. (You're in more trouble.)
A3: <Silence> (You're in the biggest trouble of all).

Since there's no way out of it, you might as well have some fun and use the second answer.

The TOG​
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been there.
 
I think that a woman needs to take honest criticism.I would want someone to be honest with me.If a guy is saying "You look great dear" when she really doesn't just to keep her happy and she goes out in that outfit it is not a good thing :)
 
iLOVE said:
If the husband is out of alignment with God it will be reflected in his marriage, kids, and all areas in his life. Your wife is a reflection how God feels about your rebellion against Him. Every man must be under the divine authority of God or chaos will be the visible result of his rebellion against God. When you are in alignment with the Lord, He will expand your capacity to receive more from Him.

When they ate of the fruit, God came and said, "Adam where are you!" Not Adam and Eve where are y'all. Genesis 3:9 NKJV

Many men want to know why God is not listening to me when I pray - because you are not under authority. You handle your money your way, not God's way. You handle your time your way, not God's way. You raise your children your way not God's way. You relate to your mate your way, not God's way. You're not under my authority and you want to know why does it keep raining on my head...because the umbrella is not covering you!

Every woman should say to their husband, "If you would follow Christ, I will follow you. Because you are under authority, I will be under authority." This will encourage your Husband to take his biblical role. Now the good news is he is under authority. The bad news is, if you don't follow him you are now insubordinate. Therefore God removes His hands from you.

God wants to bring His power, presence, and blessings in our marriage.

http://www.openbible.info/topics/husbands_loving_their_wives
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I don't believe I have mentioned anything about how I handle my money, spend my time away, or raise my children. Your post makes some assumptions and you conclusion, forgive me if I'm wrong, is that chaos in marriage is the man's fault. So therefore this is my fault.

In actuality I tithe our earnings and make sure the bills are paid. My priority for "toys" I have nothing that I have not purchased for my wife as well. Our children, I make sure they are to youth, work, sports and other functions on time and pick them up. My wife will help "if she can" and is (I'm not exaggerating) late 90% of the time. As for my time away, again, I am rarely away doing some sort of recreation unless it is my one sport or I am with my wife. I am in no way an "absent husband".

I agree that if a husband is out of alignment with God, it will be reflected in his marriage. I also believe that men are many times labeled as the problem when, in fact, it is the woman.
 
Jack Spratt said:
I don't believe I have mentioned anything about how I handle my money, spend my time away, or raise my children. Your post makes some assumptions and you conclusion, forgive me if I'm wrong, is that chaos in marriage is the man's fault. So therefore this is my fault.

In actuality I tithe our earnings and make sure the bills are paid. My priority for "toys" I have nothing that I have not purchased for my wife as well. Our children, I make sure they are to youth, work, sports and other functions on time and pick them up. My wife will help "if she can" and is (I'm not exaggerating) late 90% of the time. As for my time away, again, I am rarely away doing some sort of recreation unless it is my one sport or I am with my wife. I am in no way an "absent husband".

I agree that if a husband is out of alignment with God, it will be reflected in his marriage. I also believe that men are many times labeled as the problem when, in fact, it is the woman.
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It is not always the man's fault.Women can take blame as well.
 
Kathi said:
It is not always the man's fault.Women can take blame as well.
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I agree, we are human and imperfect. Many marriages are in trouble due to both spouses actions and attitudes. However in some marriages the problems are caused by a overbearing attitude of one of the spouses. In this situation even a saint would be reeling in conflict.
 
Jack,

from the sound of it it seems your wife has some self-image or self-confidence problems and she needs to rely on an external source to relieve herself of the feeling of insecurity. That's okay, because many people struggle with ego issues and we need our friends and loved ones to build us up when doubt and insecurity overwhelm us.

However, I see a problem in how your wife seems to demand affirmation and proof of love, and in an inapprobriate manner: Wanting certain types of compliments from you, and at once. Citing the concept of love languages seems dishonest and almost manipulative (not saying your wife is deliberately manipulating you, but she is using the love language thing as an instrument), making it sound like if you don't comply with her request you deny love (while in truth you only deny her some ego fodder). And not being able to tolerate the denial of those compliments makes her look even more insecure.

In my opinion it's okay to ask one's spouse for some ego strokes when you are in need of them, but you have to ask in an honest way and need to accept that the spouse may choose their own way of stroking your ego. ;-) And it's okay to give a gift of that kind on request. It's as if your wife was down with a heavy cold and would ask you to boil her a hot tea - wouldn't you do it?
But in this special case I tend to agree with you, Jack. Giving her the type of compliments she asks for when she asks for them would be cheap. Because it really wouldn't be from your heart, and it would satisfy her only for a short time, until the next situation that makes her doubt herself. Then she'll have to ask for compliments again, and again, and so on. And the actual issue behind everything - her ego problems - aren't solved (they may actually even get worse because she'd more and more rely on external affirmation from you rather than finding strength and security in herself or in God).

So in my opinion (as a woman, who is also struggling with an extremely low self-esteem) you did right not telling her what she wanted to hear.
However, maybe you will find a different and personal way to let her know she's attractive?
 
TOG said:
Consider the possibilities...

Q: Do these pants make me look fat?
A1: Yes, those pants make you look fat. (You're in trouble)
A2: No, the pants don't make you look fat. (You're in more trouble.)
A3: <Silence> (You're in the biggest trouble of all).

Since there's no way out of it, you might as well have some fun and use the second answer.

The TOG​
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What if the pants DON'T make her look fat?
 
Claudya said:
You said you're single, didn't you? :biggrin2 I'm getting an idea why.
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Oh I wouldn't say that I was asking Ed if it would be bad. Appaently it would be :D There's nothing wrong with a fat boottom btw I have a fat head so no jokes about that !
 
agua. said:
Oh I wouldn't say that I was asking Ed if it would be bad. Appaently it would be :biggrin There's nothing wrong with a fat boottom btw I have a fat head so no jokes about that !
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Hm... is it good for a marriage if the husband's head resembles the wife's bottom? Hm... it probably is. :biggrin2
 
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