Given by choice or by request

[TOG]

It seems like poetry to me.

Well... Yes... I guess that would explain a few things...

The TOG​

 

[iLOVE]

I don't believe I have mentioned anything about how I handle my money, spend my time away, or raise my children. Your post makes some assumptions and you conclusion, forgive me if I'm wrong, is that chaos in marriage is the man's fault. So therefore this is my fault.

In actuality I tithe our earnings and make sure the bills are paid. My priority for "toys" I have nothing that I have not purchased for my wife as well. Our children, I make sure they are to youth, work, sports and other functions on time and pick them up. My wife will help "if she can" and is (I'm not exaggerating) late 90% of the time. As for my time away, again, I am rarely away doing some sort of recreation unless it is my one sport or I am with my wife. I am in no way an "absent husband".

I agree that if a husband is out of alignment with God, it will be reflected in his marriage. I also believe that men are many times labeled as the problem when, in fact, it is the woman.

Blessings Jack Spratt,

You have stated in your post (#1) that for 22 years your marriage has been rocky. The scripture says it like this, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new - 2 Corinthians 5:17 NKJV. Question? Why do you continue to struggle with old things for 22 years if all things have been made new?

"You have planted much with your tithes, but harvested little because your marriage remains rocky. Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: “Give careful thought to your ways." “You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away - Haggai 1:5-11 NIV. A Christian can't have one foot in the church and one foot in the world - James 1:7-8 NASB.

This is a spiritual issue (Ephesians 6:12 NKJV) and your heart has become hardened because of the things you do not consider (Mark 8:17-21). What you focus your attention on, you will become sensitive too. What you neglect, you will be hardened too. Most have neglected the things of God and paid attention to the things of the world - James 4:1-4 NIV. The cure for a hardened heart is a total commitment to keep your mind stayed on the Lord. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God - Colossians 3:2-3 NIV. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things - Philippians 4:8 NKJV.

"Seek Ye First The Kingdom Of God"

"The priority of the Kingdom" is imperative. Because if you miss what's first it doesn't matter what else you do. You've lost the foundation. "Seek Ye First" gives you light from God, so that you know which way to go, which way to turn, which way to move, which way to act, which way to think, which way to walk, which way to talk, which way to relate. You know what to do because the light is shining. You lose that perspective, no wonder you're running into things, tripping over things, falling over things, because that which is light is now dark and you can't see. Matthew 6:19-34 KJV

Consult His word before you get everybody else's opinion, or you talk to people who are going to give God's word before you get the general view.

 

[Jack Spratt]

Blessings Jack Spratt,

You have stated in your post (#1) that for 22 years your marriage has been rocky. The scripture says it like this, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new - 2 Corinthians 5:17 NKJV. Question? Why do you continue to struggle with old things for 22 years if all things have been made new?

"You have planted much with your tithes, but harvested little because your marriage remains rocky. Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: “Give careful thought to your ways." “You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away - Haggai 1:5-11 NIV. A Christian can't have one foot in the church and one foot in the world - James 1:7-8 NASB.

This is a spiritual issue (Ephesians 6:12 NKJV) and your heart has become hardened because of the things you do not consider (Mark 8:17-21). What you focus your attention on, you will become sensitive too. What you neglect, you will be hardened too. Most have neglected the things of God and paid attention to the things of the world - James 4:1-4 NIV. The cure for a hardened heart is a total commitment to keep your mind stayed on the Lord. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God - Colossians 3:2-3 NIV. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things - Philippians 4:8 NKJV.

"Seek Ye First The Kingdom Of God"

"The priority of the Kingdom" is imperative. Because if you miss what's first it doesn't matter what else you do. You've lost the foundation. "Seek Ye First" gives you light from God, so that you know which way to go, which way to turn, which way to move, which way to act, which way to think, which way to walk, which way to talk, which way to relate. You know what to do because the light is shining. You lose that perspective, no wonder you're running into things, tripping over things, falling over things, because that which is light is now dark and you can't see. Matthew 6:19-34 KJV

Consult His word before you get everybody else's opinion, or you talk to people who are going to give God's word before you get the general view.

Well, iLove, let's take these in order. 1/ I was saved many years before I was married and at that time I became a "new creature". When my wife met me I was already this new creature and I lead her to the lord in our first years of dating.
2/ I continue to struggle because I made a vow to God that this marriage was "till death do us part". As another responder to my post has stated, correctly, my wife is very insecure and is constantly fishing for compliments. Sometimes even for doing things like turning a light off in a room and then asking for a huge compliment for it.
3/ My heart is hardened because no matter how much I do or how many compliments I give.... there is never enough. The bar is set to 4 feet high and if I reach it then she raises it to 5 feet and so on. After 22 years, in many cases, it is impossible to please her.
4/ I consulted His word and from what I see it is not always the man's fault. Check out :
Proverbs 27:15
A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.
or
Proverbs 21:19
It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.
or

Proverbs 21:9
It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

I am here to say these are so true. Our house is biblically inverted as far as who leads and who is forced to follow.

 

[Jack Spratt]

Jack,

from the sound of it it seems your wife has some self-image or self-confidence problems and she needs to rely on an external source to relieve herself of the feeling of insecurity. That's okay, because many people struggle with ego issues and we need our friends and loved ones to build us up when doubt and insecurity overwhelm us.

However, I see a problem in how your wife seems to demand affirmation and proof of love, and in an inapprobriate manner: Wanting certain types of compliments from you, and at once. Citing the concept of love languages seems dishonest and almost manipulative (not saying your wife is deliberately manipulating you, but she is using the love language thing as an instrument), making it sound like if you don't comply with her request you deny love (while in truth you only deny her some ego fodder). And not being able to tolerate the denial of those compliments makes her look even more insecure.

In my opinion it's okay to ask one's spouse for some ego strokes when you are in need of them, but you have to ask in an honest way and need to accept that the spouse may choose their own way of stroking your ego. ;-) And it's okay to give a gift of that kind on request. It's as if your wife was down with a heavy cold and would ask you to boil her a hot tea - wouldn't you do it?
But in this special case I tend to agree with you, Jack. Giving her the type of compliments she asks for when she asks for them would be cheap. Because it really wouldn't be from your heart, and it would satisfy her only for a short time, until the next situation that makes her doubt herself. Then she'll have to ask for compliments again, and again, and so on. And the actual issue behind everything - her ego problems - aren't solved (they may actually even get worse because she'd more and more rely on external affirmation from you rather than finding strength and security in herself or in God).

So in my opinion (as a woman, who is also struggling with an extremely low self-esteem) you did right not telling her what she wanted to hear.
However, maybe you will find a different and personal way to let her know she's attractive?

Thanks "Claudya" you seem to understand. Thanks for your advice and support. I will take it to heart and action.

Jack