Hello,
As my username suggests, my name is Jason. I hope this post doesn't end up too long for you all, but I feel like I have a lot to say. I'll try my best to keep it short and to the point. Those of you who continue, thank you.
I seem to be going through the hardest trial of my life right now. But allow me to back up a bit to explain how I got here...
Back in 2007, I was living a life of pride, with not much of a care of Christ. I suppose I believed in him, but I didn't really think much of him. I was doing what a lot of 23 year old guys do: partying, getting drunk, trying my hardest to have sexual relations with all the "hot" girls. Luckily, I never got in too deep it seems (we never do really), and looking in retrospect, it's because even though I wasn't looking out for God, he was certainly looking out for me. He was protecting me.
In May of that year, a former crush and me came back into contact after six years of not seeing each other. It was the first time we had seen each other and talked since high school. We acknowledged that back then we had crushes on one another, and were too scared or too insecure to tell the other one. Needless to say, that was in the past, and we fell in love within two weeks.
Now, just so you understand the love that I'm describing, this isn't the type of love you just throw around. In fact, I never believed that I would fall in love, ever, until it just happened with her. I had never loved anyone else. I genuinely cared for her, over the cares that I had for myself.
She came up in a Christian household, and was filled with guilt over the feeling that she never measured up in God's eyes. Me, never having came up in a Christian household, couldn't fully understand this Christianity she spoke of... at least not right away. In the coming months, I started going to church with her (here and there, not every Sunday), I read books about God's word and His purpose for me. I more and more started to realize that this girl I fell in love with brought God too me! Or, more so, that God worked through he to bring Himself to me! It was a wonderful thought.
We kissed, and we made love. We sinned in this regard, I know. But I can tell you that I did everything with love, and because I wanted to wed this girl. I suppose I could of resisted more, had I had more of a Christian upbringing, but it was hard for me to resist being sexual with her. If I had it all back to do again, I'd like to think I would be strong enough to resist, and save it for marriage. At any rate, understand that all the sexual experiences I had before this woman were devoid of love, and every experience with her was over saturated with love. I feel it's here that I became bound to her.
I feel like I was a good lover. She told me I was the most selfless, Christ-like lover that she had ever been with. Her needs trumped mine, and nothing pleased me more than fulfilling her needs.
She would tell you to this day that she was not the lover I was. She would willingly admit that she was selfish, unforgiving, and worst of all, emotionally and physically abusive. Why you ask? Any number of reasons... I wasn't the best dish-washer, I wasn't the most organized soul, I wasn't more of a Christian leader in our relationship. But one thing was for certain... I loved her with a genuine love. I forgave her, and loved her through all of this. I couldn't have persevered without God... It was the love and forgiveness of Christ that I modeled my love after.
After two and a half years, things were really bad. I kept trying and trying, but in the end, I was broken. I couldn't seem to give anymore. I couldn't seem to forgive anymore! She called the relationship off (something she had done many times before with hasty words), but this time I left willingly.
I didn't know it at the time, but I realize now that Satan found a foothold inside of me. I became bitter, and full of a hidden hatred. This was a hatred in my love, for not loving me as much, or in the ways that I loved her. It was also a hatred for God, for not giving me what I wanted. My mind told me, "Comon, God, I loved her with every ounce of my spirit, to the best of my ability. Through you I forgave and loved, yet YOU let her abuse me and remain unresicprocal towards my love!" Of course, it was foolish of me to allow myself to become angered at God... but I was deceived at the time. I fell into pornography. Something I have struggled with in my past from time to time, but I fell into it due to this bitterness, and loneliness. This killed my love... hurt her to the core. It hurt her I'd say just as much that it hurt me that she emotionally and physically abused me. In other words, we both hurt each other in various ways... and in the ways that we could maximize the hurt in the other one (curse the devil for this).
She wanted to get back with me, but I was so bitter that I said no. I told her we were not together, and I was single. For two months (September and October 2009) I lived for myself. I wanted to have fun. I did some drinking. I yearned to kiss another, or perhaps even beyond. But once again, like God did back in 2007, He did not allow this, and He protected me. I didn't kiss anyone, nor did I become sexually involved with anyone else (Thank God so much!). But I was still bitter. Because of my uncaring attitude, I hurt my love badly. She did what she had to do to stop the hurt, and she ceased contact with me.
I came to find out that during this time, she went to God. She read, and she went to church more. With me having abandoned her and living for myself, God was the only person she could turn to. In this time, she let go of me, and put it in God's hands. She claims she's never been closer to God.
After a few weeks, I came to realize how much of a priority she is for me. I love her, how could I have let her go... how could I have lived selfishly and lived for me alone, when she was right there in front of me? Lord how I have sinned. Lord how I was wrong to anger at her and at you. To anger at You who had blessed me with her in the first place.
We started talking again in the middle of November. In repentance I dropped the porn, and any masturbation whatsoever. I'm putting my sexuality in God's hands, having faith that he will provide the pleasures that are needed, and he will provide them when they are needed.
I yearned to give our relationship another go. Another try where once and for all, God was installed as the foundation of our relationship. I feel that I can do this properly this time. We have hung out as friends, and I've gone the extra mile with my actions to indicate that I want to work for her... I want to love her through actions for the rest of this lifetime. God brought us to one another for many reasons and lessons... and it's a miracle that we're still talking... I personally feel that God still has more in store for us. It's as if God is telling me that there is no other love for me. I have given myself to her, and Love - true love - isn't something to go throwing out the window, and then giving it to another. No. True love is something to fight for. Something to hang your hat on in life. I want to make this work.
But no, my love isn't having it. She had to let me go. She tells me that she still loves me. She hasn't written me off. She tells me that perhaps, in time, she would still marry me. She emphasizes that we are single. And it's here where I enter the hardest trial I've ever had to go through:
While we weren't talking, she kissed a co-worker. A guy into drugs and alcohol. A guy who drinks on the job. A fornicator. A man without God. Luckily, it was just a one time thing, and my love acknowledges that she is not interested in a man like that. As you can imagine, this hurt beyond belief, but it's forgiven. I still want my love.
But no. We are single. An ex-boyfriend has come to town (just this weekend) - one she broke up with due to pornography and lack of honest communication. It's a fact that he is more physically attractive than I, at least in certain aspects. A man that has gone on to sleep and fool around with more woman than I ever have, including one he impregnated, left, and then came to find out she had a miscarriage.
My love planned on spending this whole weekend with him while he's home. I get a call on Friday while at work, and my love explains that they hung out last night, and they kissed. She continues explaining that she doesn't love him... but that there is some potential, that he's better than me in ways, and I'm better than him. She says that he is not the selfless lover that I am, or the communicator that I am. Again she reminds me that she loves me, and has not written me off, and that one day - perhaps - we will still marry. Then she says she doesn't want me to call while they are together this weekend, but instead she will call me (my mind tells me that "Of course she doesn't... she doesn't want you to interrupt any "kissy" time, and that once she's done with her fun, then she'll call you").
This hurts me to the core. I'm still in love, and she says she loves me, so how can she do this. Isn't this a direct sign that she's choosing to let go of my love... she's choosing to forget... to devalue this love? It hurts alright. But this time I WILL NOT be angry with the Lord, and I will not betray him.
I ask, "Do you plan to kiss him more?"
"I'm open to it" she says.
"Do you plan to do more than kiss?"
"I'm open to it," she says, "as long as I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong."
It's this that kills me. I feel forsaken. There is nobody for me. My family is not there for me in the ways of God (never have been, remember), and now I'm forced to sit back and imagine my love (who claims she still loves me) being involved with another man sexually. It hurts badly.
For the last 48 hours, I have talked more with God than I ever have in that amount of time before. I have read more of His word than I ever have before. Specifically His word about trusting him, and waiting with courage. I know I need to hand it over and trust that God's knows what I want (my love), knows what I need (only he knows), and knows the difference between the two. I have taken my petition to Him (my love and I wed and love in His image), I have asked for a miracle. Some hours are better than others. Some hours I feel like Christ is right there with me (I was literally hugging a pillow imagining that Christ was holding me, allowing me to cry on his shoulder - I understand that I was!). Other hours, I weep, and feel more alone and depressed than I have ever felt before. Satan and his demons allow images of my love locked with him sexually... countering what she said, that she wouldn't do anything she felt was wrong... but being seducted and tempted and even enjoying whatever occurs.
I need God more than ever. This is probably the closest I'll come to having a Job-like trial (or I can only hope). I watched Passion of the Christ for strength. If Christ went through that for us, than I can endure this for him. But it's hard.
Fellow believers, please pray for me. And for my love. Pray that God does not leave us. Pray that I can hand over my trust to Him, and that I will be OK with not getting what I want. I want His will over mine, but I want to love this woman he blessed me with for the rest of our lives. In his image.
Please pray. And certainly offer advice if you have it.
But please pray.
As my username suggests, my name is Jason. I hope this post doesn't end up too long for you all, but I feel like I have a lot to say. I'll try my best to keep it short and to the point. Those of you who continue, thank you.
I seem to be going through the hardest trial of my life right now. But allow me to back up a bit to explain how I got here...
Back in 2007, I was living a life of pride, with not much of a care of Christ. I suppose I believed in him, but I didn't really think much of him. I was doing what a lot of 23 year old guys do: partying, getting drunk, trying my hardest to have sexual relations with all the "hot" girls. Luckily, I never got in too deep it seems (we never do really), and looking in retrospect, it's because even though I wasn't looking out for God, he was certainly looking out for me. He was protecting me.
In May of that year, a former crush and me came back into contact after six years of not seeing each other. It was the first time we had seen each other and talked since high school. We acknowledged that back then we had crushes on one another, and were too scared or too insecure to tell the other one. Needless to say, that was in the past, and we fell in love within two weeks.
Now, just so you understand the love that I'm describing, this isn't the type of love you just throw around. In fact, I never believed that I would fall in love, ever, until it just happened with her. I had never loved anyone else. I genuinely cared for her, over the cares that I had for myself.
She came up in a Christian household, and was filled with guilt over the feeling that she never measured up in God's eyes. Me, never having came up in a Christian household, couldn't fully understand this Christianity she spoke of... at least not right away. In the coming months, I started going to church with her (here and there, not every Sunday), I read books about God's word and His purpose for me. I more and more started to realize that this girl I fell in love with brought God too me! Or, more so, that God worked through he to bring Himself to me! It was a wonderful thought.
We kissed, and we made love. We sinned in this regard, I know. But I can tell you that I did everything with love, and because I wanted to wed this girl. I suppose I could of resisted more, had I had more of a Christian upbringing, but it was hard for me to resist being sexual with her. If I had it all back to do again, I'd like to think I would be strong enough to resist, and save it for marriage. At any rate, understand that all the sexual experiences I had before this woman were devoid of love, and every experience with her was over saturated with love. I feel it's here that I became bound to her.
I feel like I was a good lover. She told me I was the most selfless, Christ-like lover that she had ever been with. Her needs trumped mine, and nothing pleased me more than fulfilling her needs.
She would tell you to this day that she was not the lover I was. She would willingly admit that she was selfish, unforgiving, and worst of all, emotionally and physically abusive. Why you ask? Any number of reasons... I wasn't the best dish-washer, I wasn't the most organized soul, I wasn't more of a Christian leader in our relationship. But one thing was for certain... I loved her with a genuine love. I forgave her, and loved her through all of this. I couldn't have persevered without God... It was the love and forgiveness of Christ that I modeled my love after.
After two and a half years, things were really bad. I kept trying and trying, but in the end, I was broken. I couldn't seem to give anymore. I couldn't seem to forgive anymore! She called the relationship off (something she had done many times before with hasty words), but this time I left willingly.
I didn't know it at the time, but I realize now that Satan found a foothold inside of me. I became bitter, and full of a hidden hatred. This was a hatred in my love, for not loving me as much, or in the ways that I loved her. It was also a hatred for God, for not giving me what I wanted. My mind told me, "Comon, God, I loved her with every ounce of my spirit, to the best of my ability. Through you I forgave and loved, yet YOU let her abuse me and remain unresicprocal towards my love!" Of course, it was foolish of me to allow myself to become angered at God... but I was deceived at the time. I fell into pornography. Something I have struggled with in my past from time to time, but I fell into it due to this bitterness, and loneliness. This killed my love... hurt her to the core. It hurt her I'd say just as much that it hurt me that she emotionally and physically abused me. In other words, we both hurt each other in various ways... and in the ways that we could maximize the hurt in the other one (curse the devil for this).
She wanted to get back with me, but I was so bitter that I said no. I told her we were not together, and I was single. For two months (September and October 2009) I lived for myself. I wanted to have fun. I did some drinking. I yearned to kiss another, or perhaps even beyond. But once again, like God did back in 2007, He did not allow this, and He protected me. I didn't kiss anyone, nor did I become sexually involved with anyone else (Thank God so much!). But I was still bitter. Because of my uncaring attitude, I hurt my love badly. She did what she had to do to stop the hurt, and she ceased contact with me.
I came to find out that during this time, she went to God. She read, and she went to church more. With me having abandoned her and living for myself, God was the only person she could turn to. In this time, she let go of me, and put it in God's hands. She claims she's never been closer to God.
After a few weeks, I came to realize how much of a priority she is for me. I love her, how could I have let her go... how could I have lived selfishly and lived for me alone, when she was right there in front of me? Lord how I have sinned. Lord how I was wrong to anger at her and at you. To anger at You who had blessed me with her in the first place.
We started talking again in the middle of November. In repentance I dropped the porn, and any masturbation whatsoever. I'm putting my sexuality in God's hands, having faith that he will provide the pleasures that are needed, and he will provide them when they are needed.
I yearned to give our relationship another go. Another try where once and for all, God was installed as the foundation of our relationship. I feel that I can do this properly this time. We have hung out as friends, and I've gone the extra mile with my actions to indicate that I want to work for her... I want to love her through actions for the rest of this lifetime. God brought us to one another for many reasons and lessons... and it's a miracle that we're still talking... I personally feel that God still has more in store for us. It's as if God is telling me that there is no other love for me. I have given myself to her, and Love - true love - isn't something to go throwing out the window, and then giving it to another. No. True love is something to fight for. Something to hang your hat on in life. I want to make this work.
But no, my love isn't having it. She had to let me go. She tells me that she still loves me. She hasn't written me off. She tells me that perhaps, in time, she would still marry me. She emphasizes that we are single. And it's here where I enter the hardest trial I've ever had to go through:
While we weren't talking, she kissed a co-worker. A guy into drugs and alcohol. A guy who drinks on the job. A fornicator. A man without God. Luckily, it was just a one time thing, and my love acknowledges that she is not interested in a man like that. As you can imagine, this hurt beyond belief, but it's forgiven. I still want my love.
But no. We are single. An ex-boyfriend has come to town (just this weekend) - one she broke up with due to pornography and lack of honest communication. It's a fact that he is more physically attractive than I, at least in certain aspects. A man that has gone on to sleep and fool around with more woman than I ever have, including one he impregnated, left, and then came to find out she had a miscarriage.
My love planned on spending this whole weekend with him while he's home. I get a call on Friday while at work, and my love explains that they hung out last night, and they kissed. She continues explaining that she doesn't love him... but that there is some potential, that he's better than me in ways, and I'm better than him. She says that he is not the selfless lover that I am, or the communicator that I am. Again she reminds me that she loves me, and has not written me off, and that one day - perhaps - we will still marry. Then she says she doesn't want me to call while they are together this weekend, but instead she will call me (my mind tells me that "Of course she doesn't... she doesn't want you to interrupt any "kissy" time, and that once she's done with her fun, then she'll call you").
This hurts me to the core. I'm still in love, and she says she loves me, so how can she do this. Isn't this a direct sign that she's choosing to let go of my love... she's choosing to forget... to devalue this love? It hurts alright. But this time I WILL NOT be angry with the Lord, and I will not betray him.
I ask, "Do you plan to kiss him more?"
"I'm open to it" she says.
"Do you plan to do more than kiss?"
"I'm open to it," she says, "as long as I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong."
It's this that kills me. I feel forsaken. There is nobody for me. My family is not there for me in the ways of God (never have been, remember), and now I'm forced to sit back and imagine my love (who claims she still loves me) being involved with another man sexually. It hurts badly.
For the last 48 hours, I have talked more with God than I ever have in that amount of time before. I have read more of His word than I ever have before. Specifically His word about trusting him, and waiting with courage. I know I need to hand it over and trust that God's knows what I want (my love), knows what I need (only he knows), and knows the difference between the two. I have taken my petition to Him (my love and I wed and love in His image), I have asked for a miracle. Some hours are better than others. Some hours I feel like Christ is right there with me (I was literally hugging a pillow imagining that Christ was holding me, allowing me to cry on his shoulder - I understand that I was!). Other hours, I weep, and feel more alone and depressed than I have ever felt before. Satan and his demons allow images of my love locked with him sexually... countering what she said, that she wouldn't do anything she felt was wrong... but being seducted and tempted and even enjoying whatever occurs.
I need God more than ever. This is probably the closest I'll come to having a Job-like trial (or I can only hope). I watched Passion of the Christ for strength. If Christ went through that for us, than I can endure this for him. But it's hard.
Fellow believers, please pray for me. And for my love. Pray that God does not leave us. Pray that I can hand over my trust to Him, and that I will be OK with not getting what I want. I want His will over mine, but I want to love this woman he blessed me with for the rest of our lives. In his image.
Please pray. And certainly offer advice if you have it.
But please pray.
...... May God grant the desires of your heart .
