From 16-18 years old I was in an abusive relationship. He was my first boyfriend, I gave him my virginity, he was physically and emotionally abusive. After two years of trying to break it off I finally met my husband and I think a real man there to compete against scared him away from trying to get me back.
He of course would always tell me how horrible and ignorant i was, and how i should marry him because no one else would want me. It's been 8 years since I broke it off and after a while I started noticing the effects that relationship has had on me. The fact that my dad was an alcoholic and didn't pay much attention to me doesn't help either.
I feel like my husband is always attacking me when he's just trying to have a conversation. I can't take constructive criticism from him. I know he is absolutely crazy about me but I still have an underlying feeling he doesn't really like me, and that goes for everyone I know as well. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I still want this old boyfriend's approval after all these years. Just to name a few.
I want to get past all of these things that are holding me back in my daily life. I know I need to forgive him but I don't even know where to start. Send an email? Is he going to laugh at it? Why do I care?
One of my best friends from school is now in a relationship with him and has been for a couple of years. I rarely talk to her anymore but I'm afraid of making her angry if I were to send him an email or something. I also don't know how to make my husband understand how much I need this. I know he will think I'm just trying to start drama (although he knows I'm not the type).
Most importantly, i don't know how to forgive him in my heart. I'm still so angry that not only did he do this to me, but now he is treating someone I used to call my sister the same way. Is it possible that after this long I still am not ready to forgive him?
I have been praying, maybe I should just be patient. Any advice?
Thank you kellymarie for your very kind PM. I was concerned that you would think that I was calling you names, instead of attempting to show you what it looked like from God's perspective. Sister, we are one in Christ in many ways. Permit me to explain.
My family was also alcohol centered. At 12, my parents thought it was cool to teach me how to bartend, and I was good at it. I knew how to short shot, and float the whiskey on top so the poor schmo who had too much would not consume more alcohol. At age 8, I got drunk by drinking the dregs from the shot glass. I could tell you many stories of "martini Sundays" and how as the firstborn I had the responsibility of being the only driver in the family who was sober, and who drove my parents home from drinking too much ar a restaurant. the primary cause of my Father's death was alcoholic encephalopathy, and the secondary cause was Alzheimer's.
My father was a man hater, and told me often that she hoped I was a girl, so that she could pin me with a weird name. In our family, she was the enabler (also mentally ill, but that is another story. My role in the family was "scapegoat" and I got blamed for everything bad that happened, including my "accidentally" tripping her while on ice skates which was the "cause of her multiple sclerosis"
As a result of all that, and more, I developed a rage so intense that it could be quantified, and I came to believe that it could be assuaged if I murdered at least two people. Yeah, the abuse made me that sick,and due to that, my personality was severely distorted. I could not trust, I could not love, and I was hyper vigilant because I believed that "everyone was out to get me". Because God gave intellectual prowess classified as "gifted" which is +2 SD if you understand statistics, I was able to "beat everyone up with my brain". ( I am not giving numbers out because I glory in what God has done as a result of Jesus healing me) That did not get me many friends in the military, especially non-commissioned officers whom I thought were as smart as dirt. nor was a nice fellow in college.
That is all prolog to experiencing the grace of Jesus. Yes, I was saved, I clearly responded to having my heart strings pulled by Jesus at age 7 in a summer camp. But due to all that nasty stuff in my life, I refused to let Jesus heal me because like the Uncle Remus story, "The Tar Baby" I cherished my rage. It was entirely justified. I DESERVED better treatment than I received. My rage was as big as the doll baby made of tar, and the more I clung to it, the more that tar melted, and the more tar I had in my heart; the tar penetrated my skin, and was attached to my soul. I was desperate to change, but couldn't change. therefore I got professional help and Biblical help simultaneously. I also consumed professional-level books on my particular personality disorder.
Through the counseling, and spiritual warfare, I saw my parents for who they really were: hurting people. In the counseling process, I became aware of an adage which is 100% true if Jesus does not intervene: hurt people hurt people who hurt other people...
Later,when I could accept the truth of that, I learned another adage about forgiveness: "Forgiveness is mandatory because not about them, it is about you. When you forgive others, or release them from their burden to be a good parent to you, there is no more a seemingly justified rage-filled resentment that you can hold against them. As I learned to release them from theit failure to be "good parents" I could see them as a product of their time, and slowly Holy Spirit enabled to weave a tapestry about their life, which made their poor choices understandable even though they were outrageous.
Holy Spirit permitted me to see a lost girl who was deprived of her mother and father as a 4 years old. Her mother died in a mental hospital when she was 5, and she was tossed from one sister to another to live through the depression. Because she was considered attractive, she got unwanted attention from men who saw her as an easy opportunity. Is it any wonder she hated men in general? That did not excuse what she did to my younger sisters, or to me, but I could see that from the eyes of God, and not from the viewpoint of an abused child.
The same thing happened as Holy Spirit led me to weave things about my father's home life. Too long to mention here.
Finally, in my journey through the process, Holy Spirit gave me this adage,which really cuts to the heart of the matter: "Not forgiving the ones who abused you is like eating lots of rat poison in hopes that the RAT will die"
Therefore, kellyMarie, you are NOT responsible for what was done to you while you were helpless and dependent, but you are responsible for how you handle it as a Christian adult. Had I not beenabused, I would not have the great compassion that I do have for the victims of abuse. On this site, I ss it in the lives of homosexuals who were abused, and in the flesh turn towards drugs, or promiscuity or whatever to make sure that a person of opposite sex does not hurt them again. While theirs is an understandable reaction, and is semi-functional in the short run, they do not fully understand that their choice is the road to destruction. You see, their rat poison is the drug, or homosexual behavior they engage in in the vain hope that their particular RAT will die.
Those of us who are abused have a choice in the way that we act as a Christian adult. We can do nothing, and remain victims, or we can surrender it to Jesus, forgive our RAT, and have Jesus change our sorrow into gladness, and our weeping into joy. It is only then that we can become VICTORS OF ABUSE IN JESUS CHRIST. As long as we abide in Christ, He will give us what we need to remain victors. If we claim victory because we used a medical doctor, or a psychologist, we are taking the victory away from the One to whom all glory is due because it is HE ALONE who conquered both sin and death. BTW I am NOT stating to NOT use medical or psychological help getting healed. After all ALL healing comes from Jesus. We must give the King of Kings the glory and not the MD, or PhD.
Hope this helps you, and others.
Now you can see why I quote John Donne in my signature.
