I am so tired and frustrated - Help needed

[Sparkey]

Matthew, I'm so sorry to hear about your continued frustration. Has your wife ever been seen by a professional to determine if she has a mental health condition? Her comment about you wanting to kill the family, calling you Satan, leads me to believe that she is paranoid or delusional, but by no means am I qualified to say.

This doesn't sound like the behavior of someone who is in full control.

So, has she ever been seen by a doctor who is qualified and more knowledgeable about the circumstances?

Matthew, thank you for trusting us to pray with you. I was thinking that this was a spiritual problem but it may also be a medical problem like Mike was saying.

~Sparrow

We are praying and believing God with you for answer to the cry of your heart, that God make a way for you and your family.

 

[pjt]

I think I really need to learn quickly is ...

HOW to management and CONTROL my emotions and hence anger when she flares up....

If I can do this.... and able to shut up all the words that she said... then the house can have peace .. and my kids will henceforth not suffer... [cos she likes to "bully" my younger girl into doing physical things like washing toilet or changing bedsheets... when this poor girl STAYS out of the arguments by shutting herself in the room to study.... and because of this action - I gave into her demands...]


PLEASE ... I am not shaming my wife in public... however, I do need to tell of the happenings - which include things she said and do.. as it is... the facts...
then when whoever reading this can have a bigger picture....

I just want to make changes on MYSELF... first.. and leave other areas including her to GOD... I need the faith in GOD in this situation... and somehow - I cannot feel GOD in my home...

There are many suggestions.. many thanks... if we had done these together (eg praying, and sitting down to discuss).. then we won't be like that... it has been about 17 years.. [she will probably say a similar thing about me]

Give me the faith... GOD - I think you can send some angles to come and help us in this family....

Matthew, I wish I had an answer for you but all I can do is share a little of my own experiences and pray for you. I have dealt with some very difficult people in my life. And the way I handled the situations intially was by trying to do the right "Christian" thing. I prayed for the people. I tried to show kindness and love to the people no matter what they threw at me and I ended up taking a lot. But this is what I discovered from every single difficult person I have faced. The kinder you are to them, they take it as a weakness and a sign that they can walk all over you. They don`t interpret it as Christian love and patience. They see it as wimpiness and weakness. They don`t see it as positive, respect worthy traits at all. Therefore, it is not a strong Christian witness to them. It`s not something they admire but despise. This is important to realize, I think.

However, eventually as I read my Bible and prayed more, I realized yes God does want us to pray for difficult people in our lives and yes He wants us to maintain self control and to be as loving and kind as possible, but He never says we should let people walk all over us and we see time and again Jesus standing up to anyone who crossed their boundaries with Him. We never see Him stooping to their level of seeking to return the same evil they cast against Him. So when they spit on Him, He did not spit back. When they sought to destroy Him, He did not seek to destroy them back. But if they crossed a boundary with Him, He always stood His ground. He never cowered or let them get away with crossing lines with Him. We also see throughout the Bible, the men and women of God standing their ground.

So after dealing with some very difficult people myself, I`ve come to believe it is God`s will for Christians to stand their ground and not become doormats for people to wipe their feet on. So I would encourage you to continue praying for your wife but when she oversteps her grounds whether it is with you or with your daughters, you really need to dig within yourself and find the strength to tell her she absolutely cannot do that. In fact, you might want to read Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud. He could probably give you some practical ways to set boundaries and deal with some of the problems you are facing. Or you could do could look at some online material on boundary setting in marriage, but the main thing is you really have to set a boundary that verbal, mental, and physical abuse towards you and your daughters is absolutely not going to be tolerated. Putting down your foot is not being mean. This is simply setting some boundaries and standards in the home, and all homes need boundaries and standards. It is healthy.

In my case, when I finally realized it`s okay for a Christian to make a stand and I established some boundaries with the difficult people I was dealing with, they backed off and started treating me with more respect. But the point is with some people you have to be more assertive with than others because some people will not give respect until you demand the respect. And some people will walk all over you unless you stand up to them. I`m not a confrontational person by nature as I imagine you are not either. And I tend to treat people very kindly and expect everyone to be equally as civil so when I run into a difficult person, it`s not easy for me as I imagine it`s not for you, but not everyone plays the game of life nicely so in order to get through life as a Christian we have to learn how to deal with everyone and some people need to be dealt with a little more firmly than others. For gentle, caring Christian people this can be a challenge but it is one we need to face for Christian growth and maturity in my opinion.

As for your wife not wanting to pray but willing to let you pray with her, that`s not bad. She was giving you the power to be the spiritual leader in the home.

Finally, have you noticed if your wife is worse at certain times of the month? Hormones could be contributing to the problem and some herbal supplements and vitamins can help with that, but at the end of the day she still has to control her behavior and you have to set boundaries.

 

[Matthew77ask]

Many thanks for everyone who spend time and effort to chip in and give me support. Really appreciate your help. As these problems are very close - it is difficult to talk to people in church and close friends- and even Pastors.

However, I also want to say that what keeps me going is how one of the church leaders - a close family friend that tells me - look at what she has done - the good things... [and I wish she does that too]

Just to share with you
although I m not rich to get a Mercs or have a big house or go to Europe or US for holiday every year (which some of her friends do) or eat at high end restaurants every other week - she still stick with me.

She raised the two children up - leaving her job and doing it full-time (and there is why we cannot afford a bigger house - I am earning a small income - just nice).
I always give in when I see the girls - and how they are studying (compare to other students that I know in my course of work)

She stood by me in two minor surgery (appendicitis and retina detachment).
She stood by me when I have lost my job and hence my self esteem- more than once. (but then again - I would also say that because I was so involved in the family that I can't put in so much time and effort in my job as I had wanted to - hence "Performance" is affected)

My girl has pacemaker implanted at 17 yrs old last year - and my wife nurse her back to health...

and many more -


It is just that when my wife gets MAD - the things that she screamed and shouts makes me feel really really small..... and when I stand up against it - she will accuse me of challenging her and always go against her. - and we have cold war for one week or two... and I will sleep outside etc etc....

Things are getting better - but at times it just drop a great fall during those BAD moments - and these bad moments last... for a while...

 

[pjt]

Having someone to stand by you like that is a great testament. That is a great quality in your wife so really there just may be some inbalance in your home that can be repaired.

Maybe you just need another technique in the way you stand up when there is an argument. I really recommend looking into boundary setting in marriage. This may give some practical ways to set boundaries without coming across as condescending or combative. And you need a technique that can draw a line but without alienating her. You want her to feel draw in to you not pushed away.

And again she may have hormonal problems that make her more prone to blowing a fuse. I`m sure she does not like this anger problem in herself so if the two of you can work it out together she would be appreciative.

I`m sure she must also appreciate the fact that you have stayed with her all the years despite her anger problems so there is something there of a testament to your marriage.

Moreover, it sounds like with unemployment and your daughter getting a pacemaker there`s been a lot of external added stresses to your marriage that sometimes can wear down a person`s nerves. So that has to be considered too. But the two of you have stuck it out this long with all these added stresses so I think the two of you can make things work. It will take time and effort but I think you would both agree that it is worth it. And for her to make various efforts that you posted before in trying to work on the marriage it sounds like she does want to make your marriage work, which means YOU are worth making it work to her!!!!!

So don`t give up. Keep on trying. Keep on praying, and do look into boundaries in marriage and you might want to talk to your wife about herbs for hormones in women. Almost all women have hormonal fluctuations from month to month so this does not mean something is wrong with her. It means she`s a woman and women have hormonal fluctuations. Some have more than others and some have different effects than others but most women experience some mood or body changes from month to month. I tend to get a bit moody myself each month, and I take a vitamin supplement that really evens out my hormones which I can recommend if your wife is interested. I would certainly recommend a vitamin/herbal supplement before trying medications because medications have strong side effects and vitamins generally have none.

Last but not least, the Bible says not Eph. 4:26-27 say not to give the devil a chance by going to sleep with anger so I recommend not having anymore "cold wars" but trying to resolve your problems and making peace before going to bed. Don`t let it linger or it will give the devil a chance to jump in and cause damage to your relationship and family.

 

[Sparkey]

If I came here and told you that I was a Christian and that I had a problem -- because my wife didn't obey me and then later told you that I was hitting her (with my fists) to keep her in line and force her to do what I wanted...

What would you say to me?

What if I said that I wanted Christian women to talk to my wife and explain how she could endure the treatment? What prayer should she say so that she can continue to remain peaceful while I beat her? Can my wife force peace or must I stop hitting before any thought of peace could happen?

What I'm trying to say here is that the service that you are asking for (counseling) is best directed toward those who are appointed by God for you. We, as a group of Christians can perform the services of Priests and join with you in your prayers for peace in your home. But there are other services that need to be considered. The first and foremost thing is the continued unity of your marriage, but to accomplish peace in your family all things must be considered. Nobody here is a qualified Psychaitrist and we are not able to help with problems that may be centered around mental issues -- but it seems to me that the trouble will not stop without some kind of help. To me, this means approaching your Pastor -- the one who God has appointed to look over His sheep and ask him for help. Both you and your wife need to seek God together and if she is unwilling to pray with you about this, then you will need to go alone in order to bring your pastor back with you so that the three of you can seek the Lord.

 

[Matthew77ask]

Again, what more can I say to you folks besides thank you - if I can - I would like to buy you all a nice dinner...

I come here to seek help and advice on how to deal with the problems. The issue that I want to deal with is how I can cope with all these happenings, especially WHEN it happens...

because there are a lot of people out there, someone can share their own experience on how these situations were dealt with when it happened.

Of course the best solution is for us to see a Pastor / counselor to help us with the issues. We sort of did that - if not the situation would be worst. However, after the marriage course 2=1 ministry, things are not going so well. To see a Pastor about the situation mean that there are factors beyond my control - ie my wife must agree to do it - and she would need to acknowledge that there is a problem - this is difficult as she sees that she does not have a problem but the problem is in me... "If only you change.. then...", " After all these years you have not change..." etc. [of course I will tell you I have change...]

Rather than looking into getting her to change - I would rather try to do things on my end - and hence the thread on this.

My writings are not to bring my wife down - rather it is to bring on the facts of the matter - so that I could be "talked" to - and to look at things in a different perspective - and to hold myself better... so that when the same situation happen again - I hope I can apply this and resolve the conflict.

Naturally - I do not expect expect adv - it is not fair to expect that from forums - but any thing is better than nothing.... and always always appreciated....

Again - many many thanks. the last few adv are very good - it gave me encouragement and new perspectives....


Just to let you folks know - last few days have been good.

thanks....

will keep you all posted....

 

[Sparkey]

In some cultures there is a different way to behave when in public or when in private. The male is supposed to be the active person when the couple is around others -- the one who initiates things while in public and she's supposed to assume the more passive role. Things often change at home or in private where the female takes the more active role when it's just the two of them. What that does in effect is deny the Lord from having His way. As Christians, we are never alone, even when it is just the two of us and when we are out in public, that is also the case. It's not just us but also God with us.

You've asked what advice could be offered for when you're in a situation that allows you to do well when your wife behaves as if nobody is watching and yes, that has happened with me too. Not only with my partner who says and does things in private that she wouldn't do when we were in public but also with me. I was married and it was a good marriage but we would fight sometimes. What typically happened for me is that I try to do well but she knows just exactly what buttons to push to get a reaction and we are both very creative when it comes to argument. I'm sure she could say the same thing -- that I also know exactly what buttons to press and that she tried to do well (even though it didn't seem that way at the time).

I'm slow to suggest things that would help you because it sounds like you're doing them already. Seperate yourself from the problem and don't be quick to react. I think you mentioned that you've done this before and have even gone into another room but that her attack was relentless. It's very difficult for me to know what I would do in a similar situation. One time, during a fight -- my wife put a cigarette out on my bare shoulder and burned me. I pushed her away (too hard) and she fell back onto the couch.

I didn't know what to do because I had just violated my own heart. We had been arguing and she told me not to yell at her. She must have felt like she was being threatened but I had nothing in my heart that would allow me to hurt her -- to me, we were just working it out and yes, I was yelling but I thought that was okay. She didn't and in desperation she put the cigarette out on me. I pushed her. So what I did was call the domestic violence phone number and report to them what I did. I didn't mention the cigarette burn but only said that I had just pushed my wife (too hard) while fighting and she fell back onto the couch and could have injured herself. The counselor for the domestic violence hotline on the phone was the person who told me to think about, "What if it wasn't your wife??" and "What would you expect your neighbor to do if you had treated her that way??" When I sought advice for myself -- it was for my sin. To me, that's really all that I can control. Myself, nobody more. My advice -- you already know that you are never really alone and that God sees into hearts. Keep your good heart centered on the Lord and trust Him in all things. If you see yourself doing something that you know would not please him? Act. Don't wait.

By the way, that dinner does sound nice. That's the better way to get to know each other: by sharing. I'm sorry that I don't have better advice for how to control self -- it all comes down to the Royal Law of loving our brother and sister just like we love ourselves. Even in the best of marriages there can come trials but we are assured that we will not be tested beyond our endurance. My suggestion would be to discuss the situation with your wife in a public place --- maybe take her to dinner and be sure to be prayed up ahead of time, then talk it out. If you are really powerless and cannot influence your wife sufficiently to get her agreement to go to God about the trouble and if she won't go to your pastor and if he won't come to your home to discuss it, I'm running out of things to think of that could help. I will continue to pray about this.

 

[pjt]

One time, during a fight -- my wife put a cigarette out on my bare shoulder and burned me. I pushed her (too hard) and she fell back onto the couch.

I didn't know what to do because I had just violated my own heart. So what I did was call the domestic violence phone number and report to them what I did. I didn't mention the cigarette burn but only said that I had just pushed my wife (too hard) while fighting and she fell back onto the couch and could have injured herself. The counselor is the one who told me to think about, "What if it wasn't your wife??" and "What would you expect your neighbor to do if you had treated her that way??" When I sought advice for myself -- it was for my sin. To me, that's really all that I can control. Myself, nobody more.

By the way, that dinner does sound nice. That's the better way to get to know each other: by sharing.

Whether it were my spouse or anyone else, if someone purposely burned me with a cigarette, I`d shove them away too and not feel the least bit guilty about it. I`d shove partly from reflex I think like if a burning cinder from the fire were to fall on me my first reaction would be to swipe it off ASAP. I`d do that automatically without even thinking. But I`d also shove them away as self defense. I wouldn`t stand there and take it. What I would NOT do is grab the cigarette and burn them back or plot a revenge, but I would push them away to let them know to stop it and I`m not going to take it. And if it unfortunately means a man has to shove a woman, then so be it because a huge line has just been crossed, and woman has no excuse to burn a man just as a man has no excuse to burn a woman.

 

[Sparkey]

Whether it were my spouse or anyone else, if someone purposely burned me with a cigarette, I`d shove them away too and not feel the least bit guilty about it. I`d shove partly from reflex I think like if a burning cinder from the fire were to fall on me my first reaction would be to swipe it off ASAP. I`d do that automatically without even thinking. But I`d also shove them away as self defense. I wouldn`t stand there and take it. What I would NOT do is grab the cigarette and burn them back or plot a revenge, but I would push them away to let them know to stop it and I`m not going to take it. And if it unfortunately means a man has to shove a woman, then so be it because a huge line has just been crossed, and woman has no excuse to burn a man just as a man has no excuse to burn a woman.

That was my point, that it's possible for me to justify myself and to say, "But I had reason to shove and push my wife," but that act -- that violent act on my part violated both my good heart for my wife and also violated the law. The things that happened between us brought me to do something that I was ashamed of.

What could I do? Could I call the police and tell them that my wife had abused me? What I did was pray about it and then act to get help for myself. It didn't makes sense to me to justify my action and I was careful when I spoke to the domestic hotline people. They weren't Christian but they told me to think about what I did in a new light. That's how I started to understand that my yelling at her had to stop. I wasn't seeing what I did (my part of the fighting) and only looking at how I felt. Looking at how she felt was the key to the understanding that I needed to be able to stop my part (the anger and the yelling) of what was happening in private between us.

 

[pjt]

That was my point, that it's possible for me to justify myself and to say, "But I had reason to shove and push my wife," but that act -- that violent act on my part violated both my good heart for my wife and also violated the law. The things that happened between us brought me to do something that I was ashamed of.

What could I do? Could I call the police and tell them that my wife had abused me? What I did was pray about it and then act to get help for myself. It didn't makes sense to me to justify my action and I was careful when I spoke to the domestic hotline people. They weren't Christian but they told me to think about what I did in a new light. That's how I started to understand that my yelling at her had to stop. I wasn't seeing what I did (my part of the fighting) and only looking at how I felt. Looking at how she felt was the key to the understanding that I needed to be able to stop my part (the anger and the yelling) of what was happening in private between us.

What would you do if she tried to burn you again? or throw a hot cup of coffe on you? or throw the lamp at you?

 

[Sparkey]

What would you do if she tried to burn you again? or throw a hot cup of coffe on you? or throw the lamp at you?

Please send me a Private Message if you want to know more about my walk with the Lord b/c I won't hijack this thread.

 

[pjt]

Please send me a Private Message if you want to know more about my walk with the Lord b/c I won't hijack this thread.

My interest in your comment is where this will lead Matthew. So it pertains to him. You experienced violence and he experienced some violence but to a much lesser degree. I would say a slap isn`t as serious as burning a person, but you seem to be suggesting if he protects himself from violence then he is in the wrong. So what is a person to do? If someone exerts violence on another are they to just stand there and take it? Or wimper and cry for forgiveness for bringing the violence on themselves? Or run away and hide? I don`t think it is healthy to accept violence on oneself especially when it comes from a spouse. It`s not healthy to retaliate either, but I don`t think God wants us to just allow ourselves to be physically assaulted by another person.

 

[Sparkey]

My interest in your comment is where this will lead Matthew. So it pertains to him. You experienced violence and he experienced some violence but to a much lesser degree. I would say a slap isn`t as serious as burning a person, but you seem to be suggesting if he protects himself from violence then he is in the wrong. So what is a person to do? If someone exerts violence on another are they to just stand there and take it? Or wimper and cry for forgiveness for bringing the violence on themselves? Or run away and hide? I don`t think it is healthy to accept violence on oneself especially when it comes from a spouse. It`s not healthy to retaliate either, but I don`t think God wants us to just allow ourselves to be physically assaulted by another person.

Okay, thanks for the thinking behind your question. The problem is that what I do in my own good heart before God is not the plumbline for others to follow. I responded directly to Matthew and was trying to say that I thought what he was doing (seeking peace and wanting to control himself) was the right of it. The question for me isn't one of "health" but rather one of sin. I had to examine my heart to determine what part I played in the battle that my wife and I had in private while knowing that God saw all things. He saw the anger in me that allowed me to participate in what lead us both to the expression of the matter. Does it matter if she wasn't mad at me but that she was acting on her feelings to her own Father? Would it matter if I was afraid that she would leave me and acted because of my fear of abandonment? Not really. In the heat of the battle those things are beyond my ability to understand.

What mattered in the moment is that I should seek the Lord and try to understand the things that I could do to better reflect the love that I pledged to my wife when we were married. Ultimately the question about my choice and the lesson that came from it (if I would allow others to hurt me while trying to do right before God) has been answered but I think that that is not the issue being discussed here. I see the law as something that is given in order to bring us to Christ. What I did was examine myself and while doing so I had to reach out to others and see how they might view what I did, stripped from any personal justification. If I speak only of my actions (and not hers) the only thing that I can say is that I yelled at my wife while fighting and that I pushed her and she fell. I was lucky that nobody was injured (other than my own cigarette burn) because that didn't matter in the long run. The pain that I felt was over within a short time but the fight that we were having wasn't. I am today able to reflect and think about it and don't think that I could have done better than what actually happened. To me, that was an answer to prayer.

 

[pjt]

Okay, thanks for the thinking behind your question. The problem is that what I do in my own good heart before God is not the plumbline for others to follow. I responded directly to Matthew and was trying to say that I thought what he was doing (seeking peace and wanting to control himself) was the right of it. The question for me isn't one of "health" but rather one of sin. I had to examine my heart to determine what part I played in the battle that my wife and I had in private while knowing that God saw all things. He saw the anger in me that allowed me to participate in what lead us both to the expression of the matter. Does it matter if she wasn't mad at me but that she was acting on her feelings to her own Father? Would it matter if I was afraid that she would leave me and acted because of my fear of abandonment? Not really. In the heat of the battle those things are beyond my ability to understand.

What mattered in the moment is that I should seek the Lord and try to understand the things that I could do to better reflect the love that I pledged to my wife when we were married. Ultimately the question about my choice and the lesson that came from it (if I would allow others to hurt me while trying to do right before God) has been answered but I think that that is not the issue being discussed here. I see the law as something that is given in order to bring us to Christ. What I did was examine myself and while doing so I had to reach out to others and see how they might view what I did, stripped from any personal justification. If I speak only of my actions (and not hers) the only thing that I can say is that I yelled at my wife while fighting and that I pushed her and she fell. I was lucky that nobody was injured (other than my own cigarette burn) because that didn't matter in the long run. The pain that I felt was over within a short time but the fight that we were having wasn't. I am today able to reflect and think about it and don't think that I could have done better than what actually happened. To me, that was an answer to prayer.

When I am speaking of "health" in this context, I meant spiritual health which I probably should have said for clarification. And I see where you are coming from, and with your follow up would it be safe for me to say that you are saying to Matthew he must examine his own heart so your response in an abusive situation is not necessarily the same response others should have because we each have to examine our individual situations and hearts? So if a person has a clean heart and just defends themself without provoking or retaliating that is not necessarily a sin? It may in fact be approved by God to protect His Holy temple, our bodies?

 

[Matthew77ask]

How to get the good times to last? Why is it that when my wife and I are having some good days - it only last a few days?
We were ok on tuesday until saturday.

On Saturday: i was ironing the family cloths until late at nite - I was watching movie on computer as well while ironing... at about 1030pm at nite, my wife came into the kitchen and "caught" me watching computer.

She kick-up a big fuss about me watching you tube...
even though I am doing work for her - ironing her cloths!

After that she threw me out of the room - and at 2am she woke me up kick me - and make a big fuss- and wake all the kids up about me being watching tv for the whole life ! She DEMANDED that If I EVER were caught by her watching TV or YOUTUBE again - I will leave the house.... She wanted me to promised NOT to ever watch TV, Computer and YOUTUBE again.... [but she also watch TV, youtube, CNN etc etc- on the computer the whole freaking day! because she doing day-trading]

so I challenged if she watch then how - She said- then divorce - which she wanted to ... this goes on and on for the whole nite until at about 4am - when my elder girl was crying (saying she was so so tried and need to sleep as she has to go school)

Of course there are many many things she said - digging the past up - etc.

The next morning - I went to church - to get out of the house - or else there will surely be confrontation -

Her demand were so unreasonable that I could not agreed. Moreover - I don't think it is something that were to be done under threat - "if you don't agreed than don't sleep " - why why?

At least this time - I was quite - and praying inside....

Hope that Gods hear my prayer....

 

[pjt]

How to get the good times to last? Why is it that when my wife and I are having some good days - it only last a few days?
We were ok on tuesday until saturday.

On Saturday: i was ironing the family cloths until late at nite - I was watching movie on computer as well while ironing... at about 1030pm at nite, my wife came into the kitchen and "caught" me watching computer.

She kick-up a big fuss about me watching you tube...
even though I am doing work for her - ironing her cloths!

After that she threw me out of the room - and at 2am she woke me up kick me - and make a big fuss- and wake all the kids up about me being watching tv for the whole life ! She DEMANDED that If I EVER were caught by her watching TV or YOUTUBE again - I will leave the house.... She wanted me to promised NOT to ever watch TV, Computer and YOUTUBE again.... [but she also watch TV, youtube, CNN etc etc- on the computer the whole freaking day! because she doing day-trading]

so I challenged if she watch then how - She said- then divorce - which she wanted to ... this goes on and on for the whole nite until at about 4am - when my elder girl was crying (saying she was so so tried and need to sleep as she has to go school)

Of course there are many many things she said - digging the past up - etc.

The next morning - I went to church - to get out of the house - or else there will surely be confrontation -

Her demand were so unreasonable that I could not agreed. Moreover - I don't think it is something that were to be done under threat - "if you don't agreed than don't sleep " - why why?

At least this time - I was quite - and praying inside....

Hope that Gods hear my prayer....

I don`t think the goal in marriage is to have a good day every day since life throws us all sorts of curve balls that are not always pleasant, but I do think a goal in marriage is to live peacefully with each other every day.

In your circumstance, it`s really hard to say what to do because it sounds to me like you have a controlling wife and I suppose to a certain extent you have allowed her to be this way in order to try and keep the peace so a certain pattern has already been set in the marriage? But clearly this pattern is not working for anyone in your family so fortunately patterns can be reset, but it is like breaking an old habit, it may be hard at first but little by little it gets easier and eventually it can be done!

But to be kicked, told not to watch YT, and then fighting all night while upsetting the children is serious. Has she ever kicked you before? What if you turned the tables on her and said if she wants a divorce there`s the door, she`s free to leave. You are not going to force her to stay in the marriage BUT you are not walking out and leaving your daughters. So if she wants to go, she has to go alone. You could call her on her bluff. I doubt she wants to leave and sometimes people can use divorce as emotional blackmail (you do this or that or the marriage is over). It`s the same with kids, a child says you must do this or that or I won`t play with you anymore. The child wants to play with the friend but he just wants his way. It`s a childish, immature behavior, but when it comes from an adult it is can be a serious matter.

As a Christian, I don`t believe in divorce so I`m not promoting divorce for you but I really don`t think you should grovel either especially when you are dealing with abusive behavior like kicking. And if I had a spouse that kicked me, I would not for a second leave my children alone with that spouse so I would not leave the house. If she wants to go, let her go, but by doing so you let her know you will take custody of your girls.

If the abuse gets more serious and you can`t stop her, then you may have to have her committed which would force her to take medication to control her behavior. This would really be a last resort scenerio for me but violence in the home is serious. A slap is one thing but kicking is another. A slap hurts one`s dignity and brings a physical sting, but a kick can break bones or cause internal damage, and for children to have to watch and listen to this, it can cause great emotional damage to them. This behavior has to be stopped. Arguing is one thing but violence like this is another, but even arguing is not good. I know a woman who grew up with her parents always arguing, yelling, and screaming at each other and she`s in her 60`s now but still feels scars from it. I know another woman who`s father was always angry, ranting, and raving in the home (never physically abusive) but verbally he raged. She is in her late 50`s and carries emotional wounds from this and just recently decided to end her relationship with her father (not based on my advice at all) because after 50 something years she couldn`t take it anymore even though they live on opposite sides of the world. Yet whenever I talk to either of these women, their conversations always seem to circle back somehow to their raging parents. It`s as if they are trapped in this childhood experience.

So if your wife can`t stop her raging and abusive behavior by herself, then she may need help, and that would be the greatest gift you could give her although I`m sure she`d not be thanking you at first. But I would try talking to her again first and just telling her this behavior has to end if nothing else for the sake of your daughters. Let her know you are willing to sit down and listen to her but she also must listen to you. And as adults you are both old enough to decide to watch TV for yourselves (if it`s porn or some unGodly stuff that`s a different thing), but the main thing is the two of you have to respect each other which means no more yelling, name calling or physical violence. And also tell her how her bringing up the past makes you feel.

I wonder has she always been physically abusive or is this just a recent thing? Has she ever made threats on your life or does she just tell you to get out? Is she ever physcially or verbally abusive to your daughters? You do have a responsibility as head of the home to protect them even from their mother.

Anyway, I`m sorry to hear how things are going.

 

[Matthew77ask]

thanks pjt....

it is a pattern that was established - and i am to be blamed for it - when I told myslef that I wanted to take care of her - i tot that service is the love language that i am good at - ie doing ALL the household chores (ironing, laundry, mopping floor, marketing, etc) - these were traditional wife's role and I have taken OVER the role - so that is not GODLY i suppose...

and because of that the pattern was set...


I won't want a divorce either -is she calling a bluff ? but would full filling her wish makes her happy?

Of course the best solution would be - that she go and sought some help from Godly counsellor that will tell her how to turn to God when things does not turn her way rather than expressing her anger on everyone else - and trying to take charge herself. Pray that God will send an angel her way...

It's a tough for me - but with all your help and encouragements and prayers, I have to have faith in God that He will work it out for me...and my family.

All I want from her is the comfort and support... so that I can go on....

 

[Matthew77ask]

Hi

I may not be able to post so regularly here - as my computer is being returned to my work place...

I will keep all of you updated with the situation whenever I can...
when I have access to the computer...

I like to thank ALL and everyone who has prayed and responded to me - it does help to know that there is a group of people out there that will help.. and willing to help whenever there is a need.


Please do keep us in prayer...

 

[Matthew77ask]

I am not trying to be a wise guy here, but Biblically your wife is out of line. She is not giving you that supporting role that a wife is supposed to give a husband. I would have a talk with her, and back up what you say by the Word of God. Because she is not doing her part in this union between you and the kids, and you should not tolerate it. I am not advocating violence or anything like that. But unless she has a mental condition you should not tolerate this. You 2 should have a sit down with the pastor. She should be made very aware that she should step up to the plate and help you and the kids.

Hi,

Yes, we should go to the pastor to seek help. I went.
The problems are:
1 She think there is no problem (with us and certainly with her) and the problem is with me.
2 The pastors at the current church http://www.trinity.net/ are frustrating.
This pastor - take the approach of "I have asked her and wait for her response".
It will not work... cos my wife does not want others to know that her marriage got problem... she thinks she will loose face. The pastors here are not helping.
I have went to their counselling service - met both groups - the pastors and the counsellors to explain the situations... they just felt that my case are no serious enough - there are worst cases to take care of. As such neither groups are actively trying to help me.

hence I turn to this forum..

so far whatever you folks out there - its been encouraging for me - at least..

I wished some of you could really "pop" out of the PC and talk to us...

 

[Matthew77ask]

I also need some help here - this is important - as it will determine the outcome of the "start of conflict" -

My wife calls me names:
"the bloodly stupid idiot!"
"where is that idiot"
"Cheapskate"

and when she got worked up...
"Satan"
"devil" etc...

and she will curse me:
"curse you - drive and get bang so that you die..."

The words and comments cut me very deep - hurts me badly - cos I really work for my family and have no friends outside home...
When she started calling me - I get boiled up and then the fight starts....

IF - if if ---- somehow I can control myself and not let these words hurt me - and affect me - while she goes on and on and on - then I will not get boiled up and response back - and then there will be no fight...
u know like how Jesus is not affected by all those people that call Him names..

If I can achieve that....

what can I do when she starts all these....?

Thanks