Thank you all for the replies. Last night my husband got in relatively early, it was about 7:30, he looked something up on the computer (I think it was something to do with GPS systems, he has farm customers as well as his own farming to do) then he sat on the love seat and fell asleep. The kids and I went up to bed. This morning I came down about 5:30 thinking about what 1Genesis had said and thought if he was awake maybe we could talk. But he was asleep and the movie Groundhog's Day was on, so I sat in the dark watching that and a few tears squeezed my heart at the ice sculpture scene. I just wish I knew that tenderness. I waited and he didn't wake up and I never wake him unless I have to because he works really hard.
He got up about 6:30 and noticed me there as he was leaving the room and said, "Good morning" and proceeded to the basement to get on his work clothes. I came to the kitchen and sat there staring at ads in a farming magazine for an eternity, trying to think of what to do or what to day. The time didn't seem right for a big discussion about porn. And I understand that he is doing that anyway, because of my lack of interest, so wouldn't the discussion come back to me having hang ups and needing pills to fix me or something. I read some articles about crops and grain bins and I heard my son coming downstairs.
Pretty soon my husband came back up and went to the computer in the dining room, my son sat by him and he explained to our son something about this GPS system and a problem a guy was having. He made a call to this customer and trouble-shooted with him for about 45 minutes. Pretty upbeat sounding conversation. Our daughter got up also.
I made them all breakfast. If I asked him, he would say no, he's fine. But if it's ready and on the table he will eat. So I told him I made him breakfast and he said "thanks" and he left for the day.
So I ran the kids into town for basketball practice and I'm going to message my pastor and ask for the marriage personality testing literature that Knotical spoke of. I don't want to ask at church with the kids there. I don't like them to think there is anything wrong. So if you see this and feel led, please say a prayer for me ~ to keep confusion away from me. My tendency is to want to "forgive" immediately and have everything go back to normal. But at the same time I feel like I/we need to deal with and address the pornography. Even if I'm to blame, I think something should be said about it. And then the other side of it, where the Bible says that a wife is to surrender in that way other than fasting and I can't remember the other one, which translated means to me: under every circumstance besides those. So I feel confused if he wants to tonight because he is wanting to have peace between us but nothing has been said about the porn, should I do it? Or if I do it, will the issue ever be delt with? Words can't express how much I go around in my mind about this and usually to stop the silent treatment etc, I will just surrender because I'm not sure and I don't want to offend God. I'm staggeringly confused on this issue
And also please pray for him. I'm not sure what to pray for with him, so I always pray that God will fill him with his Holy Spirit and he will feel God's love and have no doubt it is God. And that some things will go his way so that he can feel a sense of good self worth so that he will treat all of us with love and respect, no matter what. And that he will be the Godly head of our household and will have a thirst for God and his teachings the way I do so that we can pray together and read the Bible together and go to church together. And have true sincere 'intimacy' together. That is the desire of my heart. But the way it is right now is kind of a wreck.
I apologize for spilling out so many personal things yesterday. I was pretty upset and feeling desperate when I wrote it. We, for the most part, are good friends and sometimes really in love. But the healing we need can only come from God.
So thank you, Knotical if you can see this, I am going to go forward with your advice because it sounds like tangible help and it is 100% worth a try. And I will come back to this thread some day and hopefully have a really great report.
Thanks again everyone for listening
