[__ Prayer __] I get no respect

[Christ_empowered]

Yup. Me again. 4, 5 years ago I said that "God healed me!," back when I was still deep in my mess (and very much wretched). I mean, I wasn't hideous and some of my hair had grown back. To my heavily electroshocked mind, that = Healed!

OK. So people laughed. A lot. I did get saved, after being charged with a felony (my loving mother bonded me out, Praise God!), and now...things are different. I'm different.

I don't know about "healed," because healed, to me, implies that you have something wrong with you, God heals you, and you're back up to normal. Healed. With me, I was wretched, through and through. Had been for a while. Now, I'm normal. Imagine that...normal.

I'm no longer prematurely aged, nor do I even look quite my age (32). I'm fresh faced and bright eyed and...well, the way I see it, I've been released from what I did to myself (very bad stuff, mostly drugs) and what was done to me (shock "treatments," a blow to head with a pipe in the ghetto, etc.).

But, anyway, now people have a serious problem with me. I used to be ugly. Drugs, general sickness and various state of un-healthiness...yeah, that'll happen. Now, I'm not. I'm not amazingly attractive, but I can have a normal life with my face, now. I couldn't before.

I was sick, sickly, etc. At times, I was so fatigued that I had to take naps. Now, I can't even take naps, usually. I try, and I fail. I guess behaviors take longer to change than physical health, in this case (?).

I'm posting this because now people around me are throwing up things that happened 10, 11 years ago. "His eyes went dead...he'll never be a man" (that happened in a mental hospital, btw), plus sodomy-related stuff that I'd real rather my neighbors --not-- yell at 10:30 at night, loud enough for me to hear in my room. Just sayin'.

Its odd, too. I used to have (I think...) hormonal problems. I clearly had nutritional issues as a kid, which would explain the premature aging in my tweens and teens (17 year olds don't generally have dry skin and the beginnings of crows feet. Just sayin'). I think that+drugs+shock=everything went wrong, physically and otherwise. Now, I'm normal. I'm also--gasp--not a "flamer," or any kind of in-your-face, yes I'm gay, individual. I'm not alpha male, top dawg, etc., but I'm manly-er and I have a more solid identification as a man. I don't know what my inner identification was before; I think I was traumatized and brain damaged and physically ill, so I didn't really think of myself as a man or a woman. I just...existed, in sickness.

So, now that I"m manly-er, people say "he's too feminine, because of what Dr.() did to him," etc. And "he can never be a man," so on and so forth. Oh, yeah, and "at least he has pretty hair!," because I used to be balding and now I have tons of hair.

--sigh-- I'm getting better at just dealing with it--this is why the MP3 function on mah phone comes in handy--but its still rough. Its like...well, darned if you do, darned if you don't. I got saved and The Lord has moved mightily in my life, so I'm in the "darned if you do" category.


I'm rambling. Its just like...I feel/think/believe that God has transformed me. I'm a rough draft, a work in progress big time, but to go from sickly and probably straight up sick, at all levels, to remarkably normal, is a massive 1st step. Now, I can actually work on building some kind of a life, developing Christian morality+a Christian worldview, etc. These things are --much-- easier to do when you're living, not existing in a state of ill health of all sorts.

Back to the prayer request. I've clearly made the people whose "Treatment" contributed to my sickly-ness and overall messed-up-ness angry. Also--and here's where Mental Health, Inc. and Christianity conflict-- they don't believe that Jesus heals people, certainly not me. They say "narcissistic wounds never heal," which is apparently what made my eyes go dead (keep in mind; Narcissism is a psychoanalytic concept, and these "professionals" have 0 psychoanalytic training). Their "Jesus" is a "Jesus" who goes along with their diagnoses, prognoses, with their DSM, their "treatment plans," etc. That's not the Jesus I believe in, obviously.

As far as I know, there's no real scientific explanation for the physical changes God has blessed me with. I was 5'7, button nosed, prematurely aged, balding, and had a squeaky voice 11 years ago, when the shrink shocked me and made me go dead eyed. I'm now 5'10, maybe 5'11, normal face (and nose), look a tad bit younger than early 30s, tons of hair, and normal voice and personality. Like I said...God has done a work in my life, and a big part of it has been to make me normal.

So, in a lot of respects I"m normal, and the "professionals" from back in the day now insist that I'm "Schizophrenic." Nothing wrong with Schizophrenia, if you have those problems and the drugs and such work. I don't think I have Schizophrenia. In this case, calling me "Schizophrenic" isn't about getting me treatment and/or "help," because I have a doctor and he keeps calling it "Bipolar I."

calling me "Schizophrenic" is all about labeling and control and invalidating me, as a human being. Its about "cruel compassion" ("he can't help what they did to him" and "he can't help it; he's Schizophrenic," etc.) and once again denying my essential human-ness (humanity is probably a better word, but I like human-ness, lol), and keeping me down in a stigmatized category. "Bipolar I" is bad enough, but its not quite --as-- stigmatized as being "Schizophrenic," especially 'round here (small, southern town).

OK. I'm finished ranting and raving and rambling...for now. Please pray that The Lord will give me what I need to bear up under all this as gracefully as possible, maybe even grow from it a bit. Thanks.

 

[Angel]

Will pray

 

[AirDancer]

It really is time for you to set up a recording device to capture the various things yelled in your direction by neighbors. Harassment is against the law. 10:30 at night, yelling, is harassment, and is also considered disorderly public conduct.

You need to have proof. While the recordings may not be admissible in court, at least your attorney would be able to hear what's been going on. It will also be further evidence to your parents the deliberate torment with which you have been living, although I'm surprised your parents haven't heard the noise prior to now.

Something to consider: The comments about your past have nothing to do with the young man you are today. Our Lord has been working His wonders with you, and He continues to do so. If some people can't get beyond the fact that you are definitely a changed man, that's their problem. They should be included in your prayers, that they open their hearts & their minds & their eyes to the amazing love offered by our Lord.

 

[Christ_empowered]

hey. me again. yeah, the recorder idea is a good one. I have a digital voice recorder i picked up online. I tried it from the porch a couple times, and it picked up vague noises, a lot of birds. :-(

The last time they were really loud, I almost walked over to the fence, and they just got --louder--. Crazy, huh? I think I may have to get a bit closer to pick stuff up, anyway, so if I do it with the voice recorder, it'll pick them up if they start getting crazy loud. They'll probably get to drinkin and who knows what else over the Holidays, so...yeah. If they start screaming and such, I'll be able to record it this time around.

Thanks, as always, for the prayers+replies+support.

 

[AirDancer]

The police would advise you to not approach the fence or the neighbors when the neighbors get going. That could provoke an escalation of the situation, and you would be arrested along with any of the neighbors involved. You don't need that!

What do your parents have to say when the neighbors are so loud?

 

[Christ_empowered]

usually, they're upstairs, on the other side of the house (to visualize, think of an 1840s farmhouse down south...not huge or anything, but big enough so sound wouldn't carry that far). Plus, they drink a lot, have the little house dogs upstairs, and watch the TV in their "doggy den" at full blast.

Once, not too long ago, one of the men started laughing like a rabid hyena while my parents were with me in my room, with the windows open for ventilation. I told them that he was one of the people who was forever messing with me, and I think something clicked with my mom, but not with my dad (although he doesn't like the neighbors either).

Ugh. This is so frustrating. Because somehow, they can see me (or they're talking about me before I go outside, which is extra creepy just to think about...), but because my parents have planted a "green screen" (trees, shrubs, etc.) on our side of the chain link fence, its hard for me to see them. I think that's one reason they mess with me so much...they know I can't see them very well, if at all.

My dad gets straight up irritated, maybe even a lil bit angry, when I talk about it. My mom genuinely cares, but she does nice things for the neighbors (she even brings their dog little treats), so she finds it kinda hard to believe, too.

ugh. people do that around here. This one time, I parked my car up under the big holly tree out front, where I always park it. I have keys to the back door, but not the front door (we rarely use the keys for that door, anyway). So, there were guys on the --other-- neighbor's front porch...and as soon as I was where I couldn't see them and/or make eye contact with them, they started yelling about "warrants" and "probation violations," etc. Notice how nobody will say anything to my face and they usually won't say it when I can see them, but they feel free to yell otherwise. Fun times.

Oh well. I'm 32 and my life before Christ was worse than wasted. I realize now that I had been branded a "loser" as early as 8th grade or so, and that was that. I think that's how society works...school-to-prison pipeline, although in my case it was more like the school-to-mental hospital pipeline. Ugh.

 

[AirDancer]

The next time you're outside & they yell something negative about you, chuckle. Then give a quick "Thank you, Lord, for Your love!"

Do this every time they pull a similar stunt. You'll be amazed how good the laugh feels in time. It also helps to rid any frustration from your system. Plus, saying a little prayer is always a good idea

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks again.

I think I get riled up because they somehow have info from my psych records, which is --super-- special. I filed a medical board complaint against an ex-doctor because I got hooked on some of the questionable stuff that doctor prescribed, so it would appear that (predictably) there's been some retaliation. I can't complain too much; in a lot of places, I'd be in the backwards of a state hospital, sippin' on Thorazine punch, etc.

I think this is the point at which I start becoming a genuine, bona fide, no--for real this time!, grown-up adult. My mother is sick, but has some important committee thing today, so she's rolling into the office anyway, sick as all get out (I told her to consider going to a doc and getting some TamiFlu or something, but I don't think she will).

As she walked out the door, she said "this is how you know you're a real adult--you push through and do it anyway!," which, yes, probably was a dig at me, but also got me to thinking, and...yeah.

Real life, in society, takes a degree of toughness. I'm not the least bit Macho, so I'm not gonna get all testosterone-y and pumped up about...well, just growing up...but I do think that's especially true for men, even in today's more egalitarian society.

To that end...I may never get the neighbors to simmer down. I've been declared 'Schizophrenic', which is not fun at all (the diagnosis of Schizophrenia in context of good treatment is one thing; the social role of "Schizophrenic" in this situation is quite another thing entirely), but God has me here, for a season, for any number of reasons that I just don't get, not now.

So, its not just about the neighbors, although this situation is kinda rough, because sometimes they start early (5ish AM, when I'm up and about, sometimes), which is creepy. And sometimes, I'll open the door and they're in mid-sentence, talking loudly about me. Which is...extra creepy. Bascially, as much time as I spend mulling this stuff over and such (not good), I'm beginning to think that they and some others in the neighborhood spend even more time...talking about me, and probably my family, too.

I know its a small southern town and I'm stigmatized, blah blah blah, but there's a point at which people seem to be spending entirely too much time talking about me, messing with me, etc. At that point, its not just boredom, its not just rednecks with nothing better to do, its...well, yes; "creepy," but maybe a bit beyond that, too.

Its like when I lived in a nearby southern college town. Some people --hated-- me. I mean, there was this one young woman, my age, dated my manager (who was somewhat older) at the local budget movie theater, worked as a part time bartender in the "cool" bar, etc. Anyway, I remember seeing her face when she looked at me at a small party, and it was hatred. I mean, not dislike, not disdain, but pure, visceral hatred. Her face even turned a bit red, which looking back...kinda scary, since I'd never spoken a single word to her.

Yeah, so...the neighbors. More than once, some redneck-sounding people over there have yelled out "we'll find him wherever he goes!," which --sounds-- like I"m being crazy, but its not so crazy. I don't know what the deal is, but some people --hate-- me around here. I mean, its intense. Once, I overheard somebody telling a dude "I think you spend too much time talking about (me)," which is cool, because that's rational, but also scary, because...I was that hated. And that was 10 years ago, very close this town.

I'm rambling. Thing is, a lot of this stuff was wiped out (for a season) by the shock at age 23. Horrible thing about shock--it makes you a stranger to your own life. Now, God has blessed me with enough memories to string together a narrative, and...I'm blessed to have my people!

I'm hoping+praying I can sit out the next 2 years, just get out of here at some point. But...where to go? And...I made the shrinks angry. If mental health "professionals" feel like it, they can spread the records (and stigma) wherever you go, since I'm such a "Trouble maker" and all.

--sigh-- Please keep me+my family up in prayer. Thanks.

 

[Winnie]

Maybe you could share the gospel message of salvation with your neighbors and show the love of Christ.

 

[Christ_empowered]

good to see you, Winnie.

I don't think the neighbors want to talk to me. Ever. Yell at me? sure! Talk loudly enough for me to hear? All the time! Talk to me, in a normal conversation? No way.

I suspect this set of neighbors has been in the yard at night on more than one occasion. My best guess is that they get to drinkin and such and decide to have a little fun, in my parents' yard, near my window. Nice.

I can't move. Moving would require $$$, and my parents (now) have $$$, but I don't want to spend the $$$ and then end up in a place where I'm despised, which has happened before.

I do pray for the neighbors, all the time. Thanks for your post.

 

[daninthelionsden]

You might want to think about setting up some kind of surveillance like a field game camera that is motion activated outside your house. We were forced to set up cameras all around our house and we use dash-cams in our cars also we carry pen cameras in our pockets when out....a lot of the blatant harassment stopped.

 

[Christ_empowered]

yeah, I"m thinking some surveillance is gonna be necessary. I'm fairly certain people have been in the yard, near my room, and that's not cool.

I also need my parents to know what's going on. I have an inexpensive, digital recording device, but it doesn't pick up all that well unless people are --yelling-- from over there. The last time they got that loud, I think somebody talked to them about it. The other neighbor, they live in a house on a small lot of land in between my parents and this obnoxious set of neighbors, turned their lights on when it got really loud, and I think they talked to the rednecks. That's what I'm thinking happened, anyway.

This is frustrating. Apparently, the story is that I got "pa$$ed around," which means I can "never become a man," etc. etc. etc. This is probably why sodomy is a no go, or at least 1 very good reason. What really happened--of course, I'm disqualified from talking with any authority about my own life, because I'm a "mental patient" and all--is that I hooked up with some shady characters after heavy shock treatments and now I've been labeled a "passed around f@ggot," etc.

I'm rambling. Its just really frustrating, sometimes (obviously, based on all my posts, lol). I don't know how to go about getting proof of what they're saying, and I don't know how to convince my parents that yes, indeed, people really are messing with me. Its strange, and really crazy-making, too, this whole situation.

Thanks again for the prayers and support and helpful replies.