I hate myself

[dave91]

Ok I hesitated to create this thread because I already posted my testimony a month ago in this same section and adressed the question about my willful sins and whether or not I could be forgiven. It's at the bottom of this section, for those who wants to see.

I got very good replies but I'm still gonna post this (I apologize to those who answered my other thread) because I still don't feel forgiven, and I just can't get used to the idea that I could be forgiven. It's the last time I adress this question I promise. I will not rewrite my testimony, but I just want to put more emphasis on the fact that after receiving the knowledge of the truth, tasted the good Word, tasted the Holy Spirit, I fell away very bad. And my fall implied that I took the grace of God for granted and as a licence to sin. I had this stupid mentality of enjoying my sins for a while and repent later. I remained in that state for 5 years. During that horrible time my conscience would continually warn me to repent, but I kept ignoring it, saying "later but not now". I denied Jesus by my actions and even one time by my words. I think I apostasied.

I am terrified and I'm shaking just writing what I just wrote. I just can't believe how FOOL I could be. Can God really forgive that ? I'm always told that as long as I am truly repentant and that I truly want Jesus I can be forgiven and I understand that. But I don't feel like I'm sincere when I repent. I am totally disgusted about what I've done but I don't feel like my regrets are toward God, but rather on all the bad effects that my sins have on me. Also, I really struggle to obey God's will. I wish I could, but it's VERY hard for me to do. I got rid of all my sins, but I just do nothing with my life now, I'm just completely destroyed. Do I still have a chance ? I really don't think so because I don't feel restored at all, and the bible has so many verses that condemn the type of behaviour and mentality that I had. So if I'm right, that would mean that I'm doomed and I wasn't part of the elects that God predestined to have mercy on, which leads me to other questionnings.

Why did God let me lose myself ? I'm 31 years old and I've always known the Gospel. I had all my life to repent and commit my life to God, but I failed to recognize the importance of God and the Gospel, it's my fault. But on the other hand, it's God who draw people to Him. So I'm disgusted with myself about all the bad choices that I made in my life, but at the same time God hasn't enlightened me about my pitiful state of sinner. Why ? And why did he allow me to have a false conversion when I was 19, and then fall away so badly ? Because at this time, I really thought that I gave my life to God but I didn't. I was deceived. Why did he let all that happen ? How could I be such a FOOL and mess up my life and my soul THAT MUCH ? Sorry, I really had to get this out.

 

[Dorothy Mae]

I recall your story. Two things come to mind. One is you need to drop the theology that puts any responsibility on God for what you chose. This is a very unfortunate outcome of Calvinism and similar. That is, believers are taught their choices are essential God’s responsibility. They aren’t. As long as you hold any thoughts that blame Him for the wrong you did, He will not hear your prayers. “If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me.” You must accept full responsibility.

Second, you’ve repented your God and claim sin is out of your life. Really? All sin? If you want to experience freedom, you will need to make restitution to those people you’ve sinned against. You must go to those who suffered from your sin and confess your sin and ask them to forgive you. This humbling of yourself will release grace into your life.

 

[dave91]

I recall your story. Two things come to mind. One is you need to drop the theology that puts any responsibility on God for what you chose. This is a very unfortunate outcome of Calvinism and similar. That is, believers are taught their choices are essential God’s responsibility. They aren’t. As long as you hold any thoughts that blame Him for the wrong you did, He will not hear your prayers. “If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me.” You must accept full responsibility.

Second, you’ve repented your God and claim sin is out of your life. Really? All sin? If you want to experience freedom, you will need to make restitution to those people you’ve sinned against. You must go to those who suffered from your sin and confess your sin and ask them to forgive you. This humbling of yourself will release grace into your life.

Hello Dorothy. Yes of course I want to have this conviction that I am fully responsible of my decision. And I believe so. It's just that on the other hand, I read so much stuff about predestination and God's soverenity, and that everything that happens in this World, including choices human make, are part of His plan and therefore wanting by Him. I know we are responsible of or acts and I don't want to make any excuse and put any blame on God. I'm just confused and try to understand.

And second, yes I got rid of all the sins and bad desires I was involved in. And yes I made restitution to the people I sinned against. That being said, I'm still far from living a godly life. I really struggle to find new purposes, new rightous desires. I really struggle with obedience. I pray and read the Bible everyday but it doesn't really help me getting closer to God and I my prayers are from my mind but not my heart.

 

[Dorothy Mae]

Hello Dorothy. Yes of course I want to have this conviction that I am fully responsible of my decision. And I believe so. It's just that on the other hand, I read so much stuff about predestination and God's soverenity, and that everything that happens in this World, including choices human make, are part of His plan and therefore wanting by Him. I know we are responsible of or acts and I don't want to make any excuse and put any blame on God. I'm just confused and try to understand.

Drop Calvinism altogether. It is not true any of it and obviously it is doing the opposite of helping you as is expected. Drop any thoughts that God let this happen. He will NOT violate your free will to choose. If we adopt a theology that assigns Him that job, we will not find truth and the freedom it brings. Your problem is that theology. You need to reject it.

And second, yes I got rid of all the sins and bad desires I was involved in. And yes I made restitution to the people I sinned against. That being said, I'm still far from living a godly life. I really struggle to find new purposes, new rightous desires. I really struggle with obedience. I pray and read the Bible everyday but it doesn't really help me getting closer to God and I my prayers are from my mind but not my heart.

Don’t worry about prayers not being from your heart. God didn’t say he only hears prayers from the heart. The mind is as good if not better. But you might need deliverance. When people have engaged in serious sin, some demonic powers come with that choice. Not sure how to get deliverance though. Not many engage in that ministry. But that’s what your bondage sounds like.

 

[GodsGrace]

Ok I hesitated to create this thread because I already posted my testimony a month ago in this same section and adressed the question about my willful sins and whether or not I could be forgiven. It's at the bottom of this section, for those who wants to see.

I got very good replies but I'm still gonna post this (I apologize to those who answered my other thread) because I still don't feel forgiven, and I just can't get used to the idea that I could be forgiven. It's the last time I adress this question I promise. I will not rewrite my testimony, but I just want to put more emphasis on the fact that after receiving the knowledge of the truth, tasted the good Word, tasted the Holy Spirit, I fell away very bad. And my fall implied that I took the grace of God for granted and as a licence to sin. I had this stupid mentality of enjoying my sins for a while and repent later. I remained in that state for 5 years. During that horrible time my conscience would continually warn me to repent, but I kept ignoring it, saying "later but not now". I denied Jesus by my actions and even one time by my words. I think I apostasied.

I am terrified and I'm shaking just writing what I just wrote. I just can't believe how FOOL I could be. Can God really forgive that ? I'm always told that as long as I am truly repentant and that I truly want Jesus I can be forgiven and I understand that. But I don't feel like I'm sincere when I repent. I am totally disgusted about what I've done but I don't feel like my regrets are toward God, but rather on all the bad effects that my sins have on me. Also, I really struggle to obey God's will. I wish I could, but it's VERY hard for me to do. I got rid of all my sins, but I just do nothing with my life now, I'm just completely destroyed. Do I still have a chance ? I really don't think so because I don't feel restored at all, and the bible has so many verses that condemn the type of behaviour and mentality that I had. So if I'm right, that would mean that I'm doomed and I wasn't part of the elects that God predestined to have mercy on, which leads me to other questionnings.

Why did God let me lose myself ? I'm 31 years old and I've always known the Gospel. I had all my life to repent and commit my life to God, but I failed to recognize the importance of God and the Gospel, it's my fault. But on the other hand, it's God who draw people to Him. So I'm disgusted with myself about all the bad choices that I made in my life, but at the same time God hasn't enlightened me about my pitiful state of sinner. Why ? And why did he allow me to have a false conversion when I was 19, and then fall away so badly ? Because at this time, I really thought that I gave my life to God but I didn't. I was deceived. Why did he let all that happen ? How could I be such a FOOL and mess up my life and my soul THAT MUCH ? Sorry, I really had to get this out.

Dave, you might be slightly obsessive even in life. These persons carry this problem over to their spirituality.

I know it's a real problem for you, but you can't go on like this.

Here's how it is with God:

1. God knows we sin.
2. IF you want to be forgiven, you will be.
3. Jesus didn't hang on that cross so you have to worry about your salvation.
4. There is joy in heaven over one repentant sinner.
5. Go by what you know not by what you feel.
I dont know anybody that feels they deserve salvation.
6. Trust God. He promised salvation through belief in His Son.

Dorothy Mae mentioned calvinism.
If you were taught in a reformed church and believe in the teachings of calvinism, this might be your problem.

The way calvinists believe they are saved is by having a good feeling that they have the spirit, doing good works until they die, and not sinning.
I guess they're perfect humans.

If they have doubt, their pastor cannot tell them what I just listed for you because, according to them, you have NO control over your salvation.
This is not true.

If you want to be saved, you will be.
Read 1 John.
Read Luke 15 or 16,,,the prodigal son.

God loves you.
Love Him back by asking forgiveness for your sins. We all sin. Be happy in His love for you.

 

[dave91]

Dave, you might be slightly obsessive even in life. These persons carry this problem over to their spirituality.

I know it's a real problem for you, but you can't go

1. God knows we sin.
2. IF you want to be forgiven, you will be.
3. Jesus didn't hang on that cross so you have to worry about your salvation.
4. There is joy in heaven over one repentant sinner.
5. Go by what you know not by what you feel.
I dont know anybody that feels they deserve salvation.
6. Trust God. He promised salvation through belief in His Son.

Dorothy Mae mentioned calvinism.
If you were taught in a reformed church and believe in the teachings of calvinism, this might be your problem.

The way calvinists believe they are saved is by having a good feeling that they have the spirit, doing good works until they die, and not sinning.
I guess they're perfect humans.

If they have doubt, their pastor cannot tell them what I just listed for you because, according to them, you have NO control over your salvation.
This is not true.

If you want to be saved, you will be.
Read 1 John.
Read Luke 15 or 16,,,the prodigal son.

God loves you.
Love Him back by asking forgiveness for your sins. We all sin. Be happy in His love for you.

Dave, you might be slightly obsessive even in life. These persons carry this problem over to their spirituality.

I know it's a real problem for you, but you can't go on like this.

Here's how it is with God:

1. God knows we sin.
2. IF you want to be forgiven, you will be.
3. Jesus didn't hang on that cross so you have to worry about your salvation.
4. There is joy in heaven over one repentant sinner.
5. Go by what you know not by what you feel.
I dont know anybody that feels they deserve salvation.
6. Trust God. He promised salvation through belief in His Son.

Dorothy Mae mentioned calvinism.
If you were taught in a reformed church and believe in the teachings of calvinism, this might be your problem.

The way calvinists believe they are saved is by having a good feeling that they have the spirit, doing good works until they die, and not sinning.
I guess they're perfect humans.

If they have doubt, their pastor cannot tell them what I just listed for you because, according to them, you have NO control over your salvation.
This is not true.

If you want to be saved, you will be.
Read 1 John.
Read Luke 15 or 16,,,the prodigal son.

God loves you.
Love Him back by asking forgiveness for your sins. We all sin. Be happy in His love for you.

Jesus didn't die on the cross so we worry about our salvation that's true. But he didn't die on the cross so we could use it at a licence to sin, did he ? That's right what I did. He died on the cross to free us from sin. I did the opposite. In my mind, I thought "it's alright, I will live for my desires for a while and then come back and he's gonna forgive me". There are many verses that condemn this kind of mentality/behaviour.

 

[GodsGrace]

Jesus didn't die on the cross so we worry about our salvation that's true. But he didn't die on the cross so we could use it at a licence to sin, did he ? That's right what I did. He died on the cross to free us from sin. I did the opposite. In my mind, I thought "it's alright, I will live for my desires for a while and then come back and he's gonna forgive me". There are many verses that condemn this kind of mentality/behaviour.

No. Some do this.
They give their life to God.
Then they leave Him.
Then they come back.
You should be making an effort not to sin.
I'm not saying sin is OK, but we all sin.
Did you read 1 John chapters 1 to 3?
What did it tell you?

God knows what you thought.
He knows how you feel right now,
And He welcomes back with joy.

We do our best,
Jesus does the rest.

Amen.

 

[Tenchi]

I got very good replies but I'm still gonna post this (I apologize to those who answered my other thread) because I still don't feel forgiven, and I just can't get used to the idea that I could be forgiven.

Well, so what? What you feel has nothing to do with whether or not God has forgiven you.

I will not rewrite my testimony, but I just want to put more emphasis on the fact that after receiving the knowledge of the truth, tasted the good Word, tasted the Holy Spirit, I fell away very bad.

Read the first letter of Paul to the believers at Corinth. They didn't do so hot, either. They were doing quite awfully, actually: gross sexual sin, contentiousness, arrogance - just general carnality. And yet, Paul repeatedly confirmed to them that they were "God's field and building," "brethren," "in Christ," "temples of the Holy Spirit," etc.

Where sin abounded, God's grace did much more abound (Romans 5:20). It's a kind of perverse pride, I think, that prompts a person to believe that their sin is greater than God's forgiveness. Anyway, read the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32). What was the father's attitude toward his wayward son? It's the same attitude God has toward you.

after receiving the knowledge of the truth, tasted the good Word, tasted the Holy Spirit, I fell away very bad. And my fall implied that I took the grace of God for granted and as a licence to sin. I had this stupid mentality of enjoying my sins for a while and repent later. I remained in that state for 5 years. During that horrible time my conscience would continually warn me to repent, but I kept ignoring it, saying "later but not now". I denied Jesus by my actions and even one time by my words. I think I apostasied.

I am terrified and I'm shaking just writing what I just wrote. I just can't believe how FOOL I could be.

Well, at least now you have no illusions about trusting in yourself to be the person God wants you to be. Hopefully, seeing something of the potential for wickedness that lies within you will propel you close to God, in submission to Him every day depending upon His power to live as He has called you to live, and keep you close.

But I don't feel like I'm sincere when I repent.

Repentance is a change in your thinking, of your mind, not your feelings.

I am totally disgusted about what I've done but I don't feel like my regrets are toward God, but rather on all the bad effects that my sins have on me.

You'll have to grow in the Lord, in your desire (aka love) for Him, first before you feel properly sorrowful over sinning against Him.

Also, I really struggle to obey God's will. I wish I could, but it's VERY hard for me to do. I got rid of all my sins, but I just do nothing with my life now, I'm just completely destroyed. Do I still have a chance ?

The Great Battle of the Christian life isn't over how well you obey all of God's commands, but whether or not you stay in a place of submission to Him in your heart and mind. It's only in such a place God will work to transform what you want, filling you more and more with Himself. If you're struggling, it's a sign you aren't submitted to Him but are, instead, trying to do for God rather than allowing Him to do for you. But you can only produce more of you. Only God can make you godly. And when He does, it won't be a groaning struggle powered by Self-effort.

All your sin comes from the same place: Self. In fact, your sin is just a symptom of the fact that Self is in control, not God. If you want to deal with your sin God's way, you're going to have deal with Self. See Romans 6.

I really don't think so because I don't feel restored at all, and the bible has so many verses that condemn the type of behaviour and mentality that I had.

Again, so? God's forgiveness doesn't hinge on what you do or don't feel. God said it; you believe it; that's the end of it. Read Philippians 3:12-14 and follow Paul's example.

So if I'm right, that would mean that I'm doomed and I wasn't part of the elects that God predestined to have mercy on, which leads me to other questionnings.

Dump the Calvinism. It's neither rational nor biblical. See www.soteriology101.com.

Why did God let me lose myself ?

Because He has made you free to choose your way. You aren't a robot.

 

[evenifigoalone]

There's only one unforgiveable sin, and that's a lifetime of unbelief where you die in that unbelief.

 

[Hidden In Him]

Ok I hesitated to create this thread because I already posted my testimony a month ago in this same section and adressed the question about my willful sins and whether or not I could be forgiven. It's at the bottom of this section, for those who wants to see.

I got very good replies but I'm still gonna post this (I apologize to those who answered my other thread) because I still don't feel forgiven, and I just can't get used to the idea that I could be forgiven. It's the last time I adress this question I promise. I will not rewrite my testimony, but I just want to put more emphasis on the fact that after receiving the knowledge of the truth, tasted the good Word, tasted the Holy Spirit, I fell away very bad. And my fall implied that I took the grace of God for granted and as a licence to sin. I had this stupid mentality of enjoying my sins for a while and repent later. I remained in that state for 5 years. During that horrible time my conscience would continually warn me to repent, but I kept ignoring it, saying "later but not now". I denied Jesus by my actions and even one time by my words. I think I apostasied.

I am terrified and I'm shaking just writing what I just wrote. I just can't believe how FOOL I could be. Can God really forgive that ? I'm always told that as long as I am truly repentant and that I truly want Jesus I can be forgiven and I understand that. But I don't feel like I'm sincere when I repent. I am totally disgusted about what I've done but I don't feel like my regrets are toward God, but rather on all the bad effects that my sins have on me. Also, I really struggle to obey God's will. I wish I could, but it's VERY hard for me to do. I got rid of all my sins, but I just do nothing with my life now, I'm just completely destroyed. Do I still have a chance ? I really don't think so because I don't feel restored at all, and the bible has so many verses that condemn the type of behaviour and mentality that I had. So if I'm right, that would mean that I'm doomed and I wasn't part of the elects that God predestined to have mercy on, which leads me to other questionnings.

Why did God let me lose myself ? I'm 31 years old and I've always known the Gospel. I had all my life to repent and commit my life to God, but I failed to recognize the importance of God and the Gospel, it's my fault. But on the other hand, it's God who draw people to Him. So I'm disgusted with myself about all the bad choices that I made in my life, but at the same time God hasn't enlightened me about my pitiful state of sinner. Why ? And why did he allow me to have a false conversion when I was 19, and then fall away so badly ? Because at this time, I really thought that I gave my life to God but I didn't. I was deceived. Why did he let all that happen ? How could I be such a FOOL and mess up my life and my soul THAT MUCH ? Sorry, I really had to get this out.

Dorothy's answers have been excellent here. Calvinism is foolish and errant theology, and you need to start taking responsibility for your own actions. Thankfully you are only 31 with your whole life ahead of you, so if you just decide to get it together spiritually you are in great shape, regardless of your past.

Let me give you a passage of scripture:

5 But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, 6 to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, 7 to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. 8 For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins. 10 Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble; 11 for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

What this passage means is that you need to start building good works into your life so that it reinforces your faith that you have truly been born again and now have a real and lasting relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. You "make your calling and election sure" by building the fruit of the Spirit into your life, so pray to Him daily that the things listed in verses 5-7 become what your life is characterized by now. Just start anew. God will be there with you guiding you every step of the way if you ask Him to be.

Blessings in Christ,
Hidden In Him

 

[dave91]

No. Some do this.
They give their life to God.
Then they leave Him.
Then they come back.
You should be making an effort not to sin.
I'm not saying sin is OK, but we all sin.
Did you read 1 John chapters 1 to 3?
What did it tell you?

Yes, some leave God. I'm not the first. But there's a difference between falling out of weakness and delibarately remaining in a sinful life, thinking "I'll repent later". Yes, I fell because out of weakness because of my fleshy temptations and I could've come back and God would have taken me. But the problem is that I persisted so long, ignored my conscience telling me to repent too often, that it wasn't out of weakness anymore... It was by abusing God's grace. I can't believe the fool I am.

 

[Dorothy Mae]

Yes, some leave God. I'm not the first. But there's a difference between falling out of weakness and delibarately remaining in a sinful life, thinking "I'll repent later". Yes, I fell because out of weakness because of my fleshy temptations and I could've come back and God would have taken me. But the problem is that I persisted so long, ignored my conscience telling me to repent too often, that it wasn't out of weakness anymore... It was by abusing God's grace. I can't believe the fool I am.

Sounds like bondage to me. A man bound by spiritual forces feels like he’s in a cage.

Maybe try listening to Derek Prince messages on breaking spiritual bonds. He leads people in prayers to release that. And more importantly, ask Him to fill you with the Holy Spirit.

 

[Episcopius]

Several here have mentioned dumping the Calvinism.
I agree.
You should not hate yourself.

Love thy neighbor as thyself assumes that we love ourselves.

It is hard sometimes.

 

[Hidden In Him]

Yes, some leave God. I'm not the first. But there's a difference between falling out of weakness and delibarately remaining in a sinful life, thinking "I'll repent later". Yes, I fell because out of weakness because of my fleshy temptations and I could've come back and God would have taken me. But the problem is that I persisted so long, ignored my conscience telling me to repent too often, that it wasn't out of weakness anymore... It was by abusing God's grace. I can't believe the fool I am.

I would stop focusing on your failings and start building righteousness into your life. You are not going to Heaven if you simply stop sinning anyway. Believers have to live for God, and accomplish His will for their lives. He will take care of the sin if you start investing yourself more in His will.

 

[Christ_empowered]

Hi ?

I don’t have a problem with Calvinism per se but….

Ok where the rubber hits the road each of us is told to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. At a more general level we are to spread the good news to all people. Do they choose? Does He choose His people? His general rules apply regardless.

I have a cousin…raised Calvinist in a family that’s been Calvinist literally since the 16th or 17th century. He’s in ministry now with a more Pentecostal approach to applying faith. He highly recommends all chip Ingram books. I do too based on some personal experiences. It’s deliverance spiritual warfare and more thoughtful and scripture based than some others that I’ve read. Another poster recommended Derek prince and his material is high quality too.

Prayer mixed with bible study with very specific repentance is recommended in ingram books. Hope this helps a bit.

 

[Hidden In Him]

Prayer mixed with bible study with very specific repentance is recommended in ingram books.

Not sure who Chip Ingram is, but the above sounds like a good start. Time spent with the Lord, particularly in His word, is what has always kept me encouraged all these years. I can be a horrible sinner at times, especially when it comes to my temper, but He loves me anyway, as is apparent from how He always reveals things to me regardless, in keeping with my prayers to fulfill His will as a teacher.

 

[Zeth4500]

you will be forgiven once you give your word that you will avoid it in the future- or at least cut down on it very significantly, thats how im receiving it
intention is very important for god- and god always knows your intention, backbone adds power to it. you will be tested. i was tested for maybe 3 whole days in all sorts of ways, and its like i passed a limit and it just mellowed out. once you fail a test, you will get more and more tempted

 

[dave91]

you will be forgiven once you give your word that you will avoid it in the future- or at least cut down on it very significantly, thats how im receiving it
intention is very important for god- and god always knows your intention, backbone adds power to it. you will be tested. i was tested for maybe 3 whole days in all sorts of ways, and its like i passed a limit and it just mellowed out. once

My intention ? I just want God to change my heart because I am completely messed up inside. And I just want to have a relationship with Him because this word is so dark without Him and I am totally lost without Him by my sins and my dead works... Dead works and sins are the only things that I can produce, and without Him there's nothing i can do about that and my eternity will be the result of that. It scares me just to think about it.

 

[GodsGrace]

My intention ? I just want God to change my heart because I am completely messed up inside. And I just want to have a relationship with Him because this word is so dark without Him and I am totally lost without Him by my sins and my dead works... Dead works and sins are the only things that I can produce, and without Him there's nothing i can do about that and my eternity will be the result of that. It scares me just to think about it.

God changes the heart only of those that want it to be changed.
He will not force a new heart into you.
This usually happens a little at a time, you hardly notice it.
But it requires YOUR participation.

 

[Zeth4500]

so, by heart you mean- willpower? as my father said- pain is only weakness leaving the body. you need to torture yourself a bit, get yourself an awful job for a start
work out, keep a strict routine. maybe eat the same meal 3 times a day, 7 days a week and then keep yourself to it. punish yourself however you wouldnt want to be punished when you get too slobby, you can re-wire your desires with negative stimulation- maybe even by listening justin bieber if you really dont like that.