I'd like some feedback from our TEENS!

[handy]

I'd like to get some perspective from our teen members about this subject. Not that I don't value the input of older folks, but the teens will know what it's like for another teen to be facing this here and now, not what it might have been like 10, 15, or even 30 years ago:

Our daughter is just about 13 and will be going into 8th grade. Most of her friends are dating, but we don't allow her to date, at least not in the common way. She is allowed to do things with boys, but not alone. Either I, her dad, or her younger brother, or someone from his family must be along. Her dad also goes to all the school dances with her. We truly do not see allowing her to be completely alone with a boy until she is 18. By then, she will have had a number of years experience with being with boys and will have learned godly principles to apply to her life in relationships. If, at 18, she decides to ignore those principles, at least she will be old enough to understand the consequences of doing so.

It's not that we don't trust her, on the contrary, she and I talk over things like relationships, marriage and sex a lot and she has a really good head on her shoulders. It's just that it seems as if pre-marital sex is the norm. I'm really surprised at how many kids my daughter knows who are already sexually active, and she has only completed 7th grade. As the grown-ups responsible for her, her dad and I simply do not believe that we should put a healthy young boy and her in temptations way by allowing them to spend a number of hours alone together. (Just for the record, I'm going to make note of the fact that she is drop-dead beautiful, even for someone as young as she is. This isn't just mom's opinion either, she really is that pretty.)

Have any of you teens had to abide by this strict form of relationship, either from your own parents or the parents of someone you wanted a relationship with? If so, how has it worked for you? Also, if you date in the normal sense of the word, (going out with a member of the opposite sex for a number of hours with no supervision) how would you handle a chaperoned form of dating? Would your liking for the person be enough to make it worthwhile to spend the time with her under chaperonage? Or would it just seem too weird and cause you to reject the person?

It really isn't our desire to 'ruin her life', even though sometimes she's accused us of doing so. :D (Hey, sometimes it's my job!) But, I do wonder if you teens, who are Christians, think that we are being way too strict with her and wouldn't date someone if you had to be chaperoned. I'm guess I'm looking for the "real world" impact of our keeping her chaperoned.

 

[Cheyenne K]

I think it's fine. I don't plan on dating until the stress of my school work is out of the way, but I have a little sister who has dated and at that age, parental supervision and such does seem like a very good idea. I've had girls who I thought to be great kids doing sexual stuff with their boyfriends at eleven. So it is better to keep those temptations out of the way.
Also, if she is almost thirteen, she still seems a bit young right now anyway.

 

[7ruth]

It's just that it seems as if pre-marital sex is the norm.

It is. People make fun of you usually if you believe in abstinence.

Have any of you teens had to abide by this strict form of relationship, either from your own parents or the parents of someone you wanted a relationship with?

My parents don't care, and no.

Also, if you date in the normal sense of the word, (going out with a member of the opposite sex for a number of hours with no supervision) how would you handle a chaperoned form of dating?

Its hard to say, it depends on how social the chaperoners are. I mean are you going to talk with them? I find it extremly uncomfortable and awkward if you were just watching us though. If I thought the parents were cool though then yeah I would enjoy it, although everyone wants a little alone time with their partner.

Would your liking for the person be enough to make it worthwhile to spend the time with her under chaperonage?

I think so. If they are not then they are not worth it.

It really isn't our desire to 'ruin her life', even though sometimes she's accused us of doing so. :D (Hey, sometimes it's my job!) But, I do wonder if you teens, who are Christians, think that we are being way too strict with her and wouldn't date someone if you had to be chaperoned. I'm guess I'm looking for the "real world" impact of our keeping her chaperoned.

In my opinion you should cutt her slack. I think restrictions like this cripple their dating skills in the futur, when it really counts. I would approve of her boyfirends though, see if they have good christain morals. Its not like all the kids approve of sex at this age, some of them believe in abstinece.

By the way, I am fifteen.

 

[Pard]

Have any of you teens had to abide by this strict form of relationship, either from your own parents or the parents of someone you wanted a relationship with?

In a way, but it was my own strictness, and not my parent's that I receive. Never dated anyone longer than one date (ok, not entirely true, I did go on two dates with this one girl).

Also, if you date in the normal sense of the word, (going out with a member of the opposite sex for a number of hours with no supervision) how would you handle a chaperoned form of dating?

I don't want to say that there are things I wouldn't do, because that tends to imply sexual things, but it would be awkward and the relationship would never really get any where. Heck, I've tried to go on dates and a group of my friends end up being around, it's the same way.

Would your liking for the person be enough to make it worthwhile to spend the time with her under chaperonage? Or would it just seem too weird and cause you to reject the person?

That's a per-case question. If I were to seriously date someone and I had to have a chaperon, then no, it would not hinder.

But, I do wonder if you teens, who are Christians, think that we are being way too strict with her and wouldn't date someone if you had to be chaperoned.

For reasons unknown my parents come to me for advice. I will tell you what I told them pertaining to my sister, who I would assume is the same age as your daughter since she is going into 8th grade also.

I would not let her date anyone, period, until she is into high school. For a boy, those first years of puberty are the worst, by H.S. we tend to have calmed the nerves and it is better. Children do not need to be worrying about relationships at 13 years old. Furthermore, if a dating relationship does not look like it will end in a marriage, then it is ultimately useless and should be stopped. This is my golden rule on dating and I have followed it to the "t". It has never failed me, and mind you I am not an idiot when it comes to dating or women.

I told me sister that if she ever got a boyfriend and he touched a single hair on her head I would beat the snot out of the twerp. I live up to that promise, I defended her in elementary school (kid wouldn't stop pulling her hair, until he was introduced to the window) and I'll do it till the day I die. I also told her if she messes around with any boys I'd make her life a living hell for as long as I can, just as my father told me that if I ever slept with a girl before I married her he would disown me, and he is a man of his word.

 

[PouringRain]

I am not a teen, but can I answer as a mother who has a daughter that is about the same age as yours and from things she has said in the past? So, in some way i am answering for her. LOL A couple of years back when she first had a boy ask her on a date, she came home and I asked her at what age she felt was a good age to start dating and she told me and I agreed. At thirteen, she still has not asked about going on dates or anything, and she still is fine with waiting till she is older to date. My daughter is also very beautiful and she does get boys asking her out from time to time. She knows what girls are allowed to date and which ones aren't. She is okay with not being allowed to date, and has not even asked me if she can. Maybe things are different here for us since we live in a small town in the middle of nowhere. None of her close friends can date yet either, and one of them was not even allowed to shave her legs until just recently. These are all beautiful girls. There is only one girl that she on occasion hangs with at school and that girl is always trying to push all the girls to sneak around with boys (I do not approve of this girl as a friend, because she is a compulsive liar also), but that girl also has an older teen sister who is quite promiscuous.

 

[handy]

Thanks for your feedback, everyone! It's encouraging to me to know that you wouldn't have a problem dating someone even if it meant being chaperoned.

For the record, I don't sit between my daughter and her date. We let them do things, even hold hands and a quick (very quick) hug hello or goodbye. No other physical stuff though. We do allow them to sit with each other and converse with each other without us listening in (although my daughter tells me everything they talk about!) and give them space. It's just that they need to be in physical sight of someone at all times. It seems to be working out well, and I'm glad the boy's family feels just as strongly about this as we do.

And we do talk with him. And joke around and have fun. Even though we are probably about as geeky as parents get, we do manage to have a good time. It's kind of cool with this boy, because he used to live not far from where I used to and he used to go to all the same fun places I did when I lived there, so we do a lot of swapping stores about riding the Demon, going to the Monterey Bay Aquarium and hanging out on Fisherman's Wharf.

Maybe things are different here for us since we live in a small town in the middle of nowhere. None of her close friends can date yet either, and one of them was not even allowed to shave her legs until just recently. These are all beautiful girls.

Well, we live in a very small town too, and it too is in the middle of nowhere. And, up until two weeks ago when we started to let our daughter do things with this boy, she was the ONLY one who was in Junior High that wasn't dating within a 20 mile radius. Also, all of the other girls are allowed to just go off alone with their dates. The parents of these girls actually drive them to town (over 40 miles away) and drop them off at their boyfriend's houses to be picked up later. Or, just let them stay in town after school and not ride the bus home, to be picked up later. The Junior High is in the town 40 miles away, and that is where the boys are. We don't have any Junior High age boys in town at this time. There is one 16 year old boy (and he isn't exactly a personable kid, none of the girls want to date him) and two college kids. The rest of the kids are younger.

It was really hard on my daughter to be the only one of her friends here in our little community, that couldn't have a boy-friend or go on dates. Even out of her friends from school in town, there are only 2 others that don't date. I think a lot of this contributed to the intense closeness she built up for the 20 year old courtesy clerk at the grocery store, especially when we pulled her from the school and started homeschooling and she didn't have much contact with the boys her own age.

Hey kids, cut your parents some slack too, OK. It's isn't easy on this side of things, it really isn't. We just have to make the best judgments that we can, and try to strike a balance at keeping our kids protected and helping them make wise choices, while giving them the freedoms they need to learn how to get along in society. It's a tough row to hoe at times.

Thanks again for the input.

 

[gmanon]

This is for you parents.

There is no right or wrong answers when we are raising kids. Except do your best on teaching them while they are willing to listen. Love them with all your hearts, let them know it. And pray, pray and pray.

It's amazing to realize that they actually learn what we teach them.

At the end, only God can protect them from their own minds and the pressure of this world.

 

[Nick]

Just a reminder that this question was directed at teens.


Anyway....

I have never dated, so I can't speak from personal experience. Here in Australia it's not nearly as conservative as the US, so chaperoneing teens is absolutley not the norm, so for me this situation is very strange. I don't think it's such a bad idea when they're 13, but when they get over 15 or 16, I wouldn't advise you to go with them on dates. Sure, invite him over for a BBQ or something, but there comes a point where they're a couple, and they need some time together, and some time to mature together. IMO 13 is fairly young to date, it's a pretty unstable few years around 13.

 

[Clémentine]

You're not trying to ruin her life but you are interfering with some pretty normal experiences for someone her age. Never being alone with a guy until she's 18? That seems very extreme. I don't think she should be able to count on large blocks of time when she's not being supervised, but letting her and a guy friend watch a movie in one room of the house, knowing that you'll be checking in occasionally should be okay. That'll give her the time to get to know him without censoring her conversation or feeling like she can't get any privacy. Privacy is VERY important at that age and never being able to chat with a guy without being overheard has got to be frustrating. That said, I don't think you should let them go off alone for hours, but if you can find a way to give some time alone she would probably really appreciate it. I remember my first "boyfriend" (not really, but we thought it was cool to call each other that) and I would go to the mall with my mom. She'd do her shopping for an hour or so and meet us in the food court, then give another hour and then we'd drop him off at his house and go home. It gave us some time alone but since we were in a public place there was no temptation to do anything untoward.

Also, what about group outings? When I was her age I went on a lot of group outings all the time, with 4-10 kids. No one really paired off although some did later, but either way we were all together in a public place so there was no privacy to get intimate. Going out for pizza, being at someone's house for music or even doing a study group were ways of socialising with boys that was pressure free. Furthermore, not every boy is a potential boyfriend, hook-up, husband-to-be or whatever. I think girls and guys really benefit from genuine, trustworthy opposite sex friends. Platonic friends, strictly friendship, is really helpful and enjoyable, and it's a good way to get different perspectives or advice about the opposite sex. Guy friends have always been valuable to me.

Once your daughter *is* pairing off and getting ready for actual dating, it's not a bad idea to accompany her as long as you don't interfere. Like, if they go out to dinner, you and your husband go too but sit at a different table a little ways off to give them space. Then, if she's pressured or feels uncomfortable, you're there, but you're not interfering with their evening. Also, encouraging social outings rather than a guy and a girl alone in a car or bedroom is definitely wise. You said you do trust her and that she's understanding of your values, so let her try. If she isn't allowed to stretch her wings she'll have real difficulty flying when she gets to be later highschool or college aged. That's a time when a lot of people supposedly lose their way so let her get some experience now, just keep talking to her. I think talking to her about the kinds of limits that are set is wise. Get her input. Find out what freedoms really matter and what she's hoping for with more independence. I'd also advise backing off the school dances. Usually chaperones are provided and it's overkill for parents to come. Embarrassing her will increase her rebellion.

Good luck!

 

[handy]

Thanks for your input, Clementine. What you described in your post is pretty much what we are doing now. We do stress the group outings, and we do give her and her boyfriend time "alone" to talk and such, but they do have to be in physical sight of someone at all times. Often, when at his house, they sit on his bedroom floor and watch movies on his tv, but the door is wide open and it opens out into their living room and his grandparents or parents are right there at all times. When at our place, they often go out on the back patio, which is fairly private, but the living room window is right there, and they know they can be seen by anyone walking past the window. I don't have a problem with that. When I mentioned that we won't allow her to be alone with a guy, I meant completely alone, no one else around at all. That, we won't allow.

I do understand the need for any couple, no matter what age, to be able to have private conversations and time to feel together without others intruding. The rule is, and will remain, that she needs to be in physical sight of whomever is chaperoning, at all times, but we don't listen in on what they are saying to each other.

She's had this boyfriend now for about two months, and they are handling their relationship quite well. I think it's been good for her in a lot of ways.

Again, thanks for the feedback. She and I read through the thread together and talked it over and we both listened to each other. She appreciated your thoughts as well.

 

[George]

I have not been a "teen" for five years but I can tell you one thing that I am finding as I set out on my own away from the guidance of my parents. I have found that the things my parents controlled in my life grwing up such as making sure I ddi my homework, and going to bed at a decent hour become extremely! difficult the first few years that they were not their to make sure I did not stray. Even if a child is instructed in some way and that child does learn that that is what is expected, and even if as you say they have a good head on their shoulders suddenly losing that support can cause falters. its sort of like the idea of weening a baby off breast milk. You slowly let them learn one more piece on their own.

This sort of thing may not even happen with your daughter and dating but from my recent experience of leaving my parents house I have found that a sudden lose rather than a gradual stepping back slows progress.

 

[TheCollegeLife]

But, I do wonder if you teens, who are Christians, think that we are being way too strict with her and wouldn't date someone if you had to be chaperoned. I'm guess I'm looking for the "real world" impact of our keeping her chaperoned.

Nope I don't think you are being too strict. I completely agree and I think its completely appropriate the way you're handling it. Hands down.

 

[Oats]

I'm 18 and I never really dated or have had a girlfriend that being said make sure your daughter is wise to the games young men like to paly....I say 17 you can trust her...if the guy likes her enough he won't mind

 

[Jam]

Pre-marital sex is definitely the norm now. I'm a 17 year old bloke, and I can tell you that my sexual abstinence is seen as abnormal. However, I don't get any stick for it - if anything, I find people seem to respect me more. I don't know if it's the same for girls, however, and it probably makes a difference that I go to a grammar school (allegedly the "cleverest" 25% of youths).

Honestly, though, I do think you are being slightly too strict. I understand that you don't want your daughter alone with a boy, but this isn't 100% necessary in my opinion. I know a JW my age whose parents tried to preventing her seeing boys and stuff and... well, she did a lot of stuff she probably shouldn't have done. She is fully committed again now - I think it was simply a phase - but it wasn't a good time for her. Now I'm not saying this happens to everyone, but this girl is the only example I have for you :p

Personally, I think you should ensure she is never alone with a boy in a house or private place, and you should be extremely careful of any parties she wants to go to. It's faily rare for youths to have sexual relations outside their own houses and not at parties, and even more so if they are not already sexually active. What I'm saying, I guess, is that you should consider allowing your daughter to go into town or for walks with her boyfriend, and just not allow her to be alone with him where anything sexual is likely e.g. the house or at a party.

Many boys would probably be put off by this strict parental supervision, if I'm honest - definitely not all - but most. That said, if your daughter is happy with things as they are then I see no need for change. If she isn't, then perhaps consider what other people have suggested... but, of course, make sure she is as fully informed as you can reasonably make her. And, as I said earlier, be particularly wary of parties at her age! In older teenage years, parties tend to be more of a social drink... but age 14, 15, 16, they can quite easily just be "sex fests".


All of this is from my own experience only, btw! So it could be abnormal and totally unrepresentative, but I thought it had the potential to be useful and so decided to post:D

 

[DeadRavens]

first off let me start by saying that there is a 14 year old i like and I am 18. Her parents allow her to be with guys all the time and occasionally sleep in the same room or be alone in the same room with guys alone. Also, she has been with waaayyy more guys than I have with girls(20 some vs. 2). I would, as a guy, suggest to actually become stricter. I am not saying ground her from doing anything with people , however she will NEVER tell you everything. I promise you that. It does not matter the age, they will always hide stuff from you and always trry to kiss guys or worse. I know this from experiance. My girlfriend's parents are HUUUUGE christian parents and if they believe that their 14-year old daughter has not kissed or done anything sexual than theyre wrong. Honestly, I would say you may be too relax. Culture will tell you that you should set your daughter(s) free and allow them to drink and be free and do whatever other teens are doing. Do not fall for this.:o

 

[DeadRavens]

You're not trying to ruin her life but you are interfering with some pretty normal experiences for someone her age. Never being alone with a guy until she's 18? That seems very extreme. I don't think she should be able to count on large blocks of time when she's not being supervised, but letting her and a guy friend watch a movie in one room of the house, knowing that you'll be checking in occasionally should be okay. That'll give her the time to get to know him without censoring her conversation or feeling like she can't get any privacy. Privacy is VERY important at that age and never being able to chat with a guy without being overheard has got to be frustrating. That said, I don't think you should let them go off alone for hours, but if you can find a way to give some time alone she would probably really appreciate it. I remember my first "boyfriend" (not really, but we thought it was cool to call each other that) and I would go to the mall with my mom. She'd do her shopping for an hour or so and meet us in the food court, then give another hour and then we'd drop him off at his house and go home. It gave us some time alone but since we were in a public place there was no temptation to do anything untoward.

privacy is (whether you like it or not) a temptation. Guys and Gals should avoid temptation. Privacy is a good personal tool but this kind of privacy is a bit risky...think of it like this....you have a 16 year old daughter and you allow them to be alone for 2 hours. Lets just say you are in the next room. They're not doing anything, or are they? You do not know but they do. Face it, your daughter won't tell you the truth either. She's scared that if the guy "fondled her" or "made-out" tthe daddy(you) will get onto her......so in this instance I would have to go highly against being alone with opposite sexes. The Bible says do not put yourself into circumstances that may tempt you. It actually says to RUN AWAY FROM THEM.2 Timothy 2: 22Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

 

[handy]

Again, thanks for the input everyone...

Deadravens, I'm totally blown away that the 14 year old girl's parents would allow her to sleep in a guy's room. 2

A couple of updates on this...the relationship that started this thread died a very natural death once school started. They are less than a year apart in age, and only one grade, but this is the year that takes him to High School and she is still in Jr. High. The relationship didn't last through the first week of school. All-in-all, I think it was a positive experience for her, although I sort of wished it had made more of an impact on her deep feelings for the "grocery boy".

But, she got a big head's-up about being a pretty girl around guys and what kind of impression that can give people.

Around October, a boy that goes to our church started to follow her about and talk with her. He eventually asked for her phone number and then called pretty much everyday.

The thing is, this boy's grandmother lives with him, his mother and his father. (He's an only child.) The mother and grandmother are Romanian. The grandmother is definitely "old world". I guess, about 2 weeks ago, the two of them were coming up the stairs from the basement of the church and grandma saw them brush up against each other. To the grandmother, this was a really big deal. She went to his mom and dad and gave a version of the event that prompted them to tell him he couldn't call her anymore. He called her last week, quite brokenhearted to give her the news and told her that his parents "just didn't like her." You can imagine how this made her feel, especially since she is usually quite liked by adults. She was just devastated.

Well, I wanted to talk this over with his folks, because I knew that both my husband and my son were with them the entire time they were in the basement as well as on the stairs. I called the father and told him this, and told him that my husband knew exactly when they brushed up against each other, and it was nothing more than just a bumping into each other as they climbed up the stairs. The father felt very bad about the judgments they made. Apparently, since Viola does wear some make-up and wears jeans to church, and since the grandmother was raised in a different culture during a different era, his grandmother feels she is just a brazen hussy. So, the story the parents got from the grandmother was colored with that perception. Steve also talked with the dad and the whole thing is now cleared up. They still don't want him calling every night, or having a girlfriend because he goes to a very academically challenging private school in order to prepare to become a neurosurgeon. But, they don't think that my daughter is some kind of hussy who threw herself on their son anymore either.

My daughter was totally blown away that anyone could have that perception of her, but she was also glad that we were able to tell his dad that she is never allowed alone with any boy, that either her father, mother or brother will be with her at all times. Just the fact that it wasn't her word against the grandmothers, but her father was able to tell the whole story made her feel so much better. I did explain that there wasn't much she could do about the grandmothers perception of her...except start wearing a burka or something, but since she is chaperoned, and her dad was right there with them, there is no doubt in the parents mind that truly, nothing happened.

This is one benefit about chaperoning. It makes it almost impossible for these kinds of misunderstandings to cause real harm. Another benefit my daughter has learned about chaperoning is that it does tend to weed out the boys who are only interested in one thing. A boy at her school was really putting the moves on her and asked her out...so she called his bluff and said that yes, she would go out with him, but that her dad would be there. That was the end of that. She was really relieved, because he was putting pressure on her that she didn't want to have to deal with.

 

[DeadRavens]

Again, thanks for the input everyone...

Deadravens, I'm totally blown away that the 14 year old girl's parents would allow her to sleep in a guy's room. 2This is one benefit about chaperoning. It makes it almost impossible for these kinds of misunderstandings to cause real harm. Another benefit my daughter has learned about chaperoning is that it does tend to weed out the boys who are only interested in one thing. A boy at her school was really putting the moves on her and asked her out...so she called his bluff and said that yes, she would go out with him, but that her dad would be there. That was the end of that. She was really relieved, because he was putting pressure on her that she didn't want to have to deal with.

yea the 14 year old girl is very faithful but just the idea of sleeping in rooms alone with guys is tempting enough let alone the guy actually tries something. And as for chaperoning it is a very good idea. I am glad Viola has that, allot of girls need this because parents will never know everything and i can garentee that just by watching the youth at my church or using my girlfriend for example. Guys who are real though about a relationship(this is what I do) will accept just seeing her as a great thing. Guys who are real will not care whether they sit at the daughter's house in front of parents and watch a movie or if they go to dinner with the parents. I will agree it is very hard to find a guy who will not have in mind sex at the current time. I believe you are on the right road. Congratulations and best wishes

 

[jasoncran]

can i chime in.pre-salvation days

most teens in my town and when i was in school. didnt care for the likes of me.
they wanted drugs and sex. not all but that was the perception of that i got. and from the few that i tried to date.

even when i was a young adult, that was the case. i really wanted to know the girl. and many didnt care. they wanted sex and or party guys.

not that i didnt provide the sex thing.(yes i had some problems myself).

most of the time they didnt want what i could provide(or i thought as i was broken then).

even after salvation, dating was difficult few wanted no sex.

and man the mistakes! and the hurts that i caused and vice versa.

 

[DeadRavens]

can i chime in.pre-salvation days

most teens in my town and when i was in school. didnt care for the likes of me.
they wanted drugs and sex. not all but that was the perception of that i got. and from the few that i tried to date.

even when i was a young adult, that was the case. i really wanted to know the girl. and many didnt care. they wanted sex and or party guys.

not that i didnt provide the sex thing.(yes i had some problems myself).

most of the time they didnt want what i could provide(or i thought as i was broken then).

even after salvation, dating was difficult few wanted no sex.

and man the mistakes! and the hurts that i caused and vice versa.

I wish i copuld take back every emotional moment or any other perversion i used it takes away the integrity and innocence of a female