ForeverYours
Member
Hey everyone. I'm new here and I hope that I might get advice on what to do about the relationship I'm in. This is long, and it's going to feel like I have no point to it and that I'm just telling a really long story, but you will see if you read it all that I do have a need for some advice, and it would mean the world to me if some of you would take the time to read it and to help if you could. Thank you so much.
So, I am 18 years old and my boyfriend is 23, just for your own information... in case you wonder. 3 and a half years ago I decided to join a christian site, known as CTF. Back then, I wanted a boyfriend so badly because all my life I dreamed about having one, about getting my first kiss, and I felt like it was never going to happen for me. At 14 I felt it was terrible that I had never had a boyfriend in person and never been kissed. That's not really the case, but I'm a big romantic and I just felt like it was taking forever to happen. I remember praying every night for God to send me someone who would love me for me, and find me beautiful (inside and out) just the way I am. Well, on this Christian site, I met who is now my boyfriend. He was a sweet talker, and he won my attention that way. We talked quite a bit, and he told me right off that he loved me. He said I was different, that I had a pure heart, and that he could tell I did right from the start. He asked me to be his girlfriend.
I thought about it a bit, but how could I say no? He seemed to really like me and he seemed like a very decent and sweet person. Back then the age difference seemed crazy. But we gave it a shot anyway. I even had to keep it a secret from my grandparents for a long time because I knew they wouldn't approve of it (I live with them). So, here I was in a long distance relationship with him. In the beginning, I was only in the relationship because he was sweet and I really wanted a boyfriend (totally the wrong reason to be with somebody, I know that now). I didn't truly love him in that way for quite a while, actually. And for those reasons, I got very confused to the point I'd break up with him, and then get back with him. I didn't know what I felt, or what I wanted. I prayed a lot.
About a year into the relationship, I felt that I truly loved him in the same way he loved me. I knew God had placed a love for him in my heart that had not been there the whole time. Or maybe it had... but just started out really small and grew bigger until I could see it/realize it. Talking to him back then was wonderful... we were learning all about each other. We started talking not only in chat on the computer, but in voice on the phone. His voice was music to my ears. So comforting. So sweet. Gentle. He had all these cute nicknames he came up with for me, over the time, and he would call me them a lot. I found it so sweet. I wrote him poems a lot and we even wrote each other letters and sent things through the mail. It would definitely make my day to receive a hand-written letter from my love. He knew it meant a lot to me.
Eventually I could not take the guilt of hiding the relationship from my grandparents, so I told them about him (though I told my gmaw a while before I ever told my gpaw). It took a while, but they grew to accept it and wanted whatever made me happy. I live in North Carolina. He lives in Arizona. We had never even met in person, and he is 5 years older than me. You can imagine how hard it was for them to find out all this information at once, and that I had kept it from them. But, we kept on being together. I remember how he helped me get into the Bible more. I would hardly ever read it. Not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't understand a lot of it and because I'd get distracted (the devil is good at doing that to you.. drawing our focus on what's not near as important). He had me look up at least one trait of God in the Bible every day, and post what I found on a website he set up for me. We also prayed together just about every night that we could. But things were hard at times. I hated that we were so far apart, and after waiting such a long time, I wondered if we'd ever really meet.
I got confused about us a lot, but I also prayed about it a lot. So we waited and waited. He was good to me. Even though everything was pretty great, I do remember a couple things that would get to me even back then. We would talk on yahoo, and he would say "brb"... so be right back means what it says, right? He should be back soon, I'd think, so I'll wait. I would sit here at the computer, waiting patiently for him.... and many times he'd do this to me, and he would not come back on until 2 or 3 hours later. I had waited the whole time.... just because I wanted to talk to him that badly and cared that much about getting to talk to him. But then I'd just be upset because he did that to me quite a lot, and he never seemed to have that good of reasons. He just was "busy".
I would tell him he could at least tell me it's going to be a while so I don't sit there and wait for hours. He said ok but he never did start doing it. I don't know exactly how long ago it was when it started, but I do know that things started fading away. Growing up, for as long as I can remember, I always thought about how when I'm with the love of my life, I would want him to do randomly sweet things for me just because he loves me and cares about me (and of course I'd do the same for him). And I always thought how I wouldn't want that sweetness to ever end. Sure, there will be hard times, there will be times where the sweetness isn't there as much as other times, but it would return because true love never dies. However, for my boyfriend and I, many things have changed and faded. Slowly but surely, one thing after another. And I figured out something along the way.
It is seriously important for that sweetness to be there (at least for me). It shows that he cares, that he loves me in not just a really good friend, but as much more. As a lover. As a partner. It means that he would care enough to want to do those sweet things, just because he loves me and knows it makes me happy. I'm not at all trying to be selfish. It's just the way I feel cared for in an affectionate way. Over time though, many things stopped. He no longer called me the sweet nicknames he came up with for me. He no longer wrote me letters. I wrote him two letters after he stopped writing me, but he never did write me back. He didn't call as much, and when he did call me it was almost always really late at night for me (and he knows it's hard on me because he's a whole three hours earlier than my time), and over the years I have sacraficed so much sleep just to be able to talk to him but I never felt like he had done the same for me very much. He used to tell me how he felt about me, how I was his universe, and that he didn't want to lose me. He basically stopped doing that too. To top it all off, we would just be on the phone in silence most of the time now. There was nothing there. Nothing to say except "I love you" repeatedly. I love him, I love hearing those words. But it has, so many times, felt like just something to say to fill in the huge gaps of silence. Just merely words. And I do not like that. I remember how when we first were together, I could hear it in his voice when he said those words. I could hear that he cared. Truly cared. I rarely hear that in his voice anymore.
All of this happened, and I felt like I was so lonely and not that cared for. I broke up with him so many times out of confusion, but he always took me back and loved me unconditionally. I love who he is as a person. I could never stay broken up with him. I have told him everything about me and trusted him with so much, and I definitely feel like he is a huge part of me. He told me he was going to come to my graduation. About a month before that, we were having a lot of problems, and I wanted to break up but I could not do it knowing how long we had waited and that he might actually come to see me in a month. So I waited and we had waited 3 and a half long years.... and we finally met in person. Just this summer, actually. Him and his dad came over here for my graduation, for 3 full days. 3 years... for 3 days. But I loved every minute of it. In person I felt very cared for by him, because he did a lot of sweet things and said a lot of sweet things. But I have to admit, it was nothing like I had expected it to be. I had my first kiss this summer. I had always expected my first kiss to be really magical... you know, sparks flying and breath-taking. It was not, not at all. Actually, it wasn't too appealing to be honest. It was new to me though. It felt weird. I was not used to it, and it felt very very awkward. I had been really nervous too though. We tried it again, and still, it wasn't too great. But I kept trying. I had to go out to my car to come home, and I kissed him right before I left, and that was when I finally felt something. Like something was actually there. From then on it got better with every kiss until it was quite amazing. But still, it was never really breath-taking. But it was special, it was wonderful. But it all ended, and he had to go back home.
Things were pretty good, and 3 weeks later, as crazy and amazing as it is, I flew over to Arizona, where he lives, and went on a mission trip with him to Canada (he's been going for 5 years, I believe, and he invited me to go, and my grandparents said it was my choice since I am now 18) and his family for 3 whole weeks. I had hardly been anywhere in my entire life. So it was quite something for me, a big experience. I spent every day being around him. It was absolutely great, and I cherished every moment, but even in person we had some hard times. That's expected in relationships, no doubt. He showed he cared about me though, in many ways. Then I came back home. And everything has seemed to go downhill from there. Truly downhill. I had been staying up every night crying because I felt lonely. I felt like he didn't care about me in the same way anymore. Of course he said he did. And I talked to him about all of this. But nothing would really change, he'd call me one of the nicknames that night and then the next day everything was the same old.
When I asked him what had happened to the sweetness, he told me "well, some guys just aren't naturally romantic". And he basically said he's just not that way. But what gets to me is that he used to do all those sweet things, so I know he has it in him somewhere to do that. I want to inspire that in the love of my life. Wouldn't you think it would if you were really in love with someone? Cause I know I still love to do sweet things for him, if only to bring a smile to his face if I can, and to let him know I still love him so much. It doesn't have to be anything major, just calling me something sweet or leaving me an offline message saying that he misses me and loves me would mean a lot. But he never does those things. So then, after we talked about it again, he told me he quit with the nicknames because he didn't want to wear them out or for me to get bored of them(which honestly, I don't think I ever would, nor did I ever tell him that I would), and that life just got busy so it was hard to write letters, and so on. I felt and still felt like he doesn't take out the time for me like I try to do for him. I've told him everything on how I feel, all of this.
A little over a week ago, him and I were on the phone and I was singing for him. All of the sudden the phone cut off, so I figured it went dead. He never calls me while it's charging, because he says it ruins the battery life. So I figured he would call back once it was charged. So I did some things and waited for him to call back sometime. So, over 3 hours later he gets on yahoo and emails me, asking why yahoo isn't working. It was much later then when the phone cut off, so I knew he hadn't been on yahoo for long. He could've gotten on fb. I had been crying because I felt like he didn't care, yet again. It just struck me that if he really wanted to talk to me at all, that all he had to do was get on yahoo IM, or facebook, soon after the phone went dead. He knows I'm usually logged on to one of those. But he doesn't do it. He never does. And there I was, left alone, wanting to talk to him and not being able to at all. I ended up feeling so upset that I broke up with him again. I just couldn't bare it.
So after a week, I got back with him. I can never seem to stand being apart from him, and I never know if it's the right thing to do because I feel so lost without him. It's like, how could anyone ever compare... no one else is him, the guy I fell in love with. And I've kissed him, and I always wanted the guy I kissed to be the only one I ever kissed. I kissed him because I knew I loved him very very much and would want to spend my life with him. But at the same time, it's very different when we're not in person. He mentions how I just have to think of how it is in person. But, it's not just about that. Our relationship is long distance right now, has been for a long time, and in order to make it work he should put in as much effort now, this way, as he would in person. Wouldn't you agree? Just the other night we were on the phone and he wasn't listening to hardly anything I said. So I said "good night" and I got no response. I said, "helloooo?", nothing. So I hung up. Did he call back? no. I wrote him a message on yahoo saying how this is the kinda thing that makes me feel like he doesn't care. The next day he acted like nothing happened. He always does that and I have to be the one to bring it up. Like how is it going to get solved if you just don't talk about it, you know? It's just so exhausting. I care so much for him but I don't feel it equally returned. I feel like he cares for me and loves me, no doubt... but I often wonder if he's truly in love with me, and loves me in that special, love of my life, kinda way. He's always said he's committed to me, and he's never left me. And I truly don't think he ever would. But I have a need to feel cared for, and I don't know what to do anymore.
Do you think I should keep on in this relationship? There's just so much to the situation I can't type it all or all the circumstances that's made me feel like he didn't care much about me. But I can't see that I could ever be with anyone else. It's like it hurts either way, with or without him. I don't want to be without him, but I want to feel cared for in that special way. I'm really confused. Please help if you could. Thank you. <3 And God bless.
So, I am 18 years old and my boyfriend is 23, just for your own information... in case you wonder. 3 and a half years ago I decided to join a christian site, known as CTF. Back then, I wanted a boyfriend so badly because all my life I dreamed about having one, about getting my first kiss, and I felt like it was never going to happen for me. At 14 I felt it was terrible that I had never had a boyfriend in person and never been kissed. That's not really the case, but I'm a big romantic and I just felt like it was taking forever to happen. I remember praying every night for God to send me someone who would love me for me, and find me beautiful (inside and out) just the way I am. Well, on this Christian site, I met who is now my boyfriend. He was a sweet talker, and he won my attention that way. We talked quite a bit, and he told me right off that he loved me. He said I was different, that I had a pure heart, and that he could tell I did right from the start. He asked me to be his girlfriend.
I thought about it a bit, but how could I say no? He seemed to really like me and he seemed like a very decent and sweet person. Back then the age difference seemed crazy. But we gave it a shot anyway. I even had to keep it a secret from my grandparents for a long time because I knew they wouldn't approve of it (I live with them). So, here I was in a long distance relationship with him. In the beginning, I was only in the relationship because he was sweet and I really wanted a boyfriend (totally the wrong reason to be with somebody, I know that now). I didn't truly love him in that way for quite a while, actually. And for those reasons, I got very confused to the point I'd break up with him, and then get back with him. I didn't know what I felt, or what I wanted. I prayed a lot.
About a year into the relationship, I felt that I truly loved him in the same way he loved me. I knew God had placed a love for him in my heart that had not been there the whole time. Or maybe it had... but just started out really small and grew bigger until I could see it/realize it. Talking to him back then was wonderful... we were learning all about each other. We started talking not only in chat on the computer, but in voice on the phone. His voice was music to my ears. So comforting. So sweet. Gentle. He had all these cute nicknames he came up with for me, over the time, and he would call me them a lot. I found it so sweet. I wrote him poems a lot and we even wrote each other letters and sent things through the mail. It would definitely make my day to receive a hand-written letter from my love. He knew it meant a lot to me.
Eventually I could not take the guilt of hiding the relationship from my grandparents, so I told them about him (though I told my gmaw a while before I ever told my gpaw). It took a while, but they grew to accept it and wanted whatever made me happy. I live in North Carolina. He lives in Arizona. We had never even met in person, and he is 5 years older than me. You can imagine how hard it was for them to find out all this information at once, and that I had kept it from them. But, we kept on being together. I remember how he helped me get into the Bible more. I would hardly ever read it. Not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't understand a lot of it and because I'd get distracted (the devil is good at doing that to you.. drawing our focus on what's not near as important). He had me look up at least one trait of God in the Bible every day, and post what I found on a website he set up for me. We also prayed together just about every night that we could. But things were hard at times. I hated that we were so far apart, and after waiting such a long time, I wondered if we'd ever really meet.
I got confused about us a lot, but I also prayed about it a lot. So we waited and waited. He was good to me. Even though everything was pretty great, I do remember a couple things that would get to me even back then. We would talk on yahoo, and he would say "brb"... so be right back means what it says, right? He should be back soon, I'd think, so I'll wait. I would sit here at the computer, waiting patiently for him.... and many times he'd do this to me, and he would not come back on until 2 or 3 hours later. I had waited the whole time.... just because I wanted to talk to him that badly and cared that much about getting to talk to him. But then I'd just be upset because he did that to me quite a lot, and he never seemed to have that good of reasons. He just was "busy".
I would tell him he could at least tell me it's going to be a while so I don't sit there and wait for hours. He said ok but he never did start doing it. I don't know exactly how long ago it was when it started, but I do know that things started fading away. Growing up, for as long as I can remember, I always thought about how when I'm with the love of my life, I would want him to do randomly sweet things for me just because he loves me and cares about me (and of course I'd do the same for him). And I always thought how I wouldn't want that sweetness to ever end. Sure, there will be hard times, there will be times where the sweetness isn't there as much as other times, but it would return because true love never dies. However, for my boyfriend and I, many things have changed and faded. Slowly but surely, one thing after another. And I figured out something along the way.
It is seriously important for that sweetness to be there (at least for me). It shows that he cares, that he loves me in not just a really good friend, but as much more. As a lover. As a partner. It means that he would care enough to want to do those sweet things, just because he loves me and knows it makes me happy. I'm not at all trying to be selfish. It's just the way I feel cared for in an affectionate way. Over time though, many things stopped. He no longer called me the sweet nicknames he came up with for me. He no longer wrote me letters. I wrote him two letters after he stopped writing me, but he never did write me back. He didn't call as much, and when he did call me it was almost always really late at night for me (and he knows it's hard on me because he's a whole three hours earlier than my time), and over the years I have sacraficed so much sleep just to be able to talk to him but I never felt like he had done the same for me very much. He used to tell me how he felt about me, how I was his universe, and that he didn't want to lose me. He basically stopped doing that too. To top it all off, we would just be on the phone in silence most of the time now. There was nothing there. Nothing to say except "I love you" repeatedly. I love him, I love hearing those words. But it has, so many times, felt like just something to say to fill in the huge gaps of silence. Just merely words. And I do not like that. I remember how when we first were together, I could hear it in his voice when he said those words. I could hear that he cared. Truly cared. I rarely hear that in his voice anymore.
All of this happened, and I felt like I was so lonely and not that cared for. I broke up with him so many times out of confusion, but he always took me back and loved me unconditionally. I love who he is as a person. I could never stay broken up with him. I have told him everything about me and trusted him with so much, and I definitely feel like he is a huge part of me. He told me he was going to come to my graduation. About a month before that, we were having a lot of problems, and I wanted to break up but I could not do it knowing how long we had waited and that he might actually come to see me in a month. So I waited and we had waited 3 and a half long years.... and we finally met in person. Just this summer, actually. Him and his dad came over here for my graduation, for 3 full days. 3 years... for 3 days. But I loved every minute of it. In person I felt very cared for by him, because he did a lot of sweet things and said a lot of sweet things. But I have to admit, it was nothing like I had expected it to be. I had my first kiss this summer. I had always expected my first kiss to be really magical... you know, sparks flying and breath-taking. It was not, not at all. Actually, it wasn't too appealing to be honest. It was new to me though. It felt weird. I was not used to it, and it felt very very awkward. I had been really nervous too though. We tried it again, and still, it wasn't too great. But I kept trying. I had to go out to my car to come home, and I kissed him right before I left, and that was when I finally felt something. Like something was actually there. From then on it got better with every kiss until it was quite amazing. But still, it was never really breath-taking. But it was special, it was wonderful. But it all ended, and he had to go back home.
Things were pretty good, and 3 weeks later, as crazy and amazing as it is, I flew over to Arizona, where he lives, and went on a mission trip with him to Canada (he's been going for 5 years, I believe, and he invited me to go, and my grandparents said it was my choice since I am now 18) and his family for 3 whole weeks. I had hardly been anywhere in my entire life. So it was quite something for me, a big experience. I spent every day being around him. It was absolutely great, and I cherished every moment, but even in person we had some hard times. That's expected in relationships, no doubt. He showed he cared about me though, in many ways. Then I came back home. And everything has seemed to go downhill from there. Truly downhill. I had been staying up every night crying because I felt lonely. I felt like he didn't care about me in the same way anymore. Of course he said he did. And I talked to him about all of this. But nothing would really change, he'd call me one of the nicknames that night and then the next day everything was the same old.
When I asked him what had happened to the sweetness, he told me "well, some guys just aren't naturally romantic". And he basically said he's just not that way. But what gets to me is that he used to do all those sweet things, so I know he has it in him somewhere to do that. I want to inspire that in the love of my life. Wouldn't you think it would if you were really in love with someone? Cause I know I still love to do sweet things for him, if only to bring a smile to his face if I can, and to let him know I still love him so much. It doesn't have to be anything major, just calling me something sweet or leaving me an offline message saying that he misses me and loves me would mean a lot. But he never does those things. So then, after we talked about it again, he told me he quit with the nicknames because he didn't want to wear them out or for me to get bored of them(which honestly, I don't think I ever would, nor did I ever tell him that I would), and that life just got busy so it was hard to write letters, and so on. I felt and still felt like he doesn't take out the time for me like I try to do for him. I've told him everything on how I feel, all of this.
A little over a week ago, him and I were on the phone and I was singing for him. All of the sudden the phone cut off, so I figured it went dead. He never calls me while it's charging, because he says it ruins the battery life. So I figured he would call back once it was charged. So I did some things and waited for him to call back sometime. So, over 3 hours later he gets on yahoo and emails me, asking why yahoo isn't working. It was much later then when the phone cut off, so I knew he hadn't been on yahoo for long. He could've gotten on fb. I had been crying because I felt like he didn't care, yet again. It just struck me that if he really wanted to talk to me at all, that all he had to do was get on yahoo IM, or facebook, soon after the phone went dead. He knows I'm usually logged on to one of those. But he doesn't do it. He never does. And there I was, left alone, wanting to talk to him and not being able to at all. I ended up feeling so upset that I broke up with him again. I just couldn't bare it.
So after a week, I got back with him. I can never seem to stand being apart from him, and I never know if it's the right thing to do because I feel so lost without him. It's like, how could anyone ever compare... no one else is him, the guy I fell in love with. And I've kissed him, and I always wanted the guy I kissed to be the only one I ever kissed. I kissed him because I knew I loved him very very much and would want to spend my life with him. But at the same time, it's very different when we're not in person. He mentions how I just have to think of how it is in person. But, it's not just about that. Our relationship is long distance right now, has been for a long time, and in order to make it work he should put in as much effort now, this way, as he would in person. Wouldn't you agree? Just the other night we were on the phone and he wasn't listening to hardly anything I said. So I said "good night" and I got no response. I said, "helloooo?", nothing. So I hung up. Did he call back? no. I wrote him a message on yahoo saying how this is the kinda thing that makes me feel like he doesn't care. The next day he acted like nothing happened. He always does that and I have to be the one to bring it up. Like how is it going to get solved if you just don't talk about it, you know? It's just so exhausting. I care so much for him but I don't feel it equally returned. I feel like he cares for me and loves me, no doubt... but I often wonder if he's truly in love with me, and loves me in that special, love of my life, kinda way. He's always said he's committed to me, and he's never left me. And I truly don't think he ever would. But I have a need to feel cared for, and I don't know what to do anymore.
Do you think I should keep on in this relationship? There's just so much to the situation I can't type it all or all the circumstances that's made me feel like he didn't care much about me. But I can't see that I could ever be with anyone else. It's like it hurts either way, with or without him. I don't want to be without him, but I want to feel cared for in that special way. I'm really confused. Please help if you could. Thank you. <3 And God bless.
Last edited by a moderator:
