Im gay, my father killed himself

[InquisitiveSkeptic]

Im an atheist, I'm not looking for prayer. I'm looking for something more valuable. Christian advice. even though i dont believe in god, you guys sometimes have the best answers. I got banned from another christian forum recently for asking too many difficult questions it seems that forum cant defend itself against scrutiny. but thats not the point.


The point is, Recently Id come out as gay to my father. Who met my boyfriend and all seemed to go ok. he acted with the obvious suprise and all. but nothing seemed out of the ordinary

Well no one told me he was already close to the edge in manic depression.

The next morning i woke up to a distraught mom, my father had jumped off the roof of the house in drunken suicide. The note hed had in his jacket was rather expletive and suggestive that my coming out to him was a final straw. Although i deny it to my mom now, im afraid she will go crazy to if I admit. This is about 8 weeks after the incident, im on antidepressants and suffering a majorly unstable mind.

What do i do? I feel like i killed my father... I know im probably going to get suggestions to rethink my sexuality. but im 19, failing university from this depression. Im perectly capable of it, but i can't concentrate anymore. One thing I know its perfectly impossible that I'm straight. Ive tried having girlfriends... no connection. what i feel when talking to a girl is nothing like how i feel when i have my boyfriend. I need help. My mind is everywhere at once.

 

[Tina]

.
Your dad committed suicide because you are gay ??

Oh man! I really don't know how to console you. It's not your fault at all. You didn't know he had serious manic depression. But I understand that the guilt and condemnation may haunt you for the rest of your life ....... unless you receive Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior !

I'm sorry , but there's no other way I can think of.. In Christianity, there's no sin God will not forgive. In other religions, you got to perform various rites and rituals, or adequate amount of "good works" to atone for your sins and mistakes, but in Christianity, all you need to do is to sincerely repent of your sins and accept Jesus Christ. Maybe your mom will not forgive you if she knows the truth, maybe no one in this world will understand and forgive you, but God surely does. You do not have to live with guilt and condemnation any more. God is also fully able to deliver you from homosexuality. Perhaps you and boyfriend get along only because you have many things in common and enjoy each other's company. But if only you would believe in God and pray and ask God for a girlfriend that you will be attracted to and can connect with, God will answer.

I will pray for you that the truths and reality about God will be revealed to you .. I pray you will be delivered from depression and homosexuality and improve in your university studies and find a nice Christian girlfriend who will love and care about you.

God bless !

 

[GodspromisesRyes]

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time and that such chaos is happening in your life right now.The thing is, advice can be given to you, but with such emotional issues you may not just be able to hear advice and say " o of course i feel great now". i am sorry about your father, i understand guilt of feeling that you caused his death and i would imagine that you do realize that it isnt your fault. If you did not know he was already having problems you could not have known that your telling him this information would effect him so radically.
I understand that you are gay and not attracted to women. Many people are many things that God says are sins and yet the feel they could not change it if they wanted to. That is one reason why God sent Jesus Christ into the world to save sinners.- On our own, none of us could escape our sins no matter what they are. We may be able to trade one sin for another sometimes but none of us can stop being what we are no matter what kind of sins we do because just like you are gay- we are all sinners. Until we believe on the one that God sent to not only cleanse us of our sins, but to also make us totally new creations in Him.- See being a believer in Jesus doesnt mean that you just believe without any proof, and then suffer through a life of boringness resisting everything you love.- You actually become a new person who is born from heaven and the sins begin to pass away from you. YOUR desires change, your loves, your whole being begins being changed, transformed into an image of Jesus and all those sins that you were before begin to melt away- This is deliverance and in Christ Jesus our deliverance is as total as we will believe him for. I pray that He save you and transform you and heal your broken heart and family and give you consolation in your heart and be to you a father.

 

[handy]

I'm very sorry for your troubles right now. You've been through so much.

Your father's suicide is not your fault, and it wasn't because you are gay.

You say that you are denying your homosexuality to your mom. This isn't a good idea. Although you don't need to bring the subject up again just yet, if she asks, tell the truth. If she doesn't, then sometime later, maybe in a few months, maybe a year, talk it over with her and be truthful. Let her know that you lied out of a sense of overwhelming, but false, guilt about your dad's actions.

It's really important that you get some professional counseling. Since you are in a university, there is most likely free mental health counseling available to you. If you are not currently taking any anti-depressant pills, don't go on them! If the school counselor cannot or will not provide non-pharmaceutical therapy, ask for a referral to someone who does. If you are already on anti-depressants, keep in mind that a lot of time, the pills themselves can cause someone to feel that they are totally out of control. Be sure to let the prescriber know that you are having major symptoms now.

As for your homosexuality, well, what I'm about to say might raise an eyebrow or two around here, but if folks think it through they'll realize the truth of it. If you are not a Christian, if you are living your life in total disbelief of God, it hardly matters whether or not you are actively homosexual. If, for now, you find comfort with a relationship with another guy, so be it. You are smart enough to know the risks of homosexual behavior, so protect yourself.

However, since you are seeking advice from Christians, you might want to realize that there is a deeper level within you that is reaching out to God. It's impossible to reach out to the church without reaching out to God. You might want to deny that, but it's true.

And, what was said about there not being a sin for which God will not forgive, now that's true enough. (There is an unforgivable sin, but you haven't committed that in any way, so don't worry about it.) God will not only forgive homosexuality, but He also forgives the kind of drunkenness and lack of self-control that leads one to commit suicide. Frankly, homosexuality isn't the issue. You are no more, nor no less a sinner than I was when I committed my life to Christ, at the ripe old age of 13. If God forgave me, He'll forgive you.

So, since you asked for advice, I'll sum up mine: Do set the goal to have an honest discussion with your mom. Do seek professional counseling.

And, do not neglect that spiritual voice that is prompting you to ask questions of Christians. We have lots of atheists at this site. You will not be banned as long as you follow the rules. Christians as well as non-Christians are banned for not following the rules, so acquaint yourself with them and follow them, and we'll do our best to answer questions. Just keep in mind that we are all sinners as well, prone to squabbling and disagreeing. The only difference is that we are believers and forgiven.

And, although you say you're not asking for prayer, I'll pray for you any way, for there are no answers that you will get that will not come from God.

Take care!

 

[InquisitiveSkeptic]

I thank you for your kind words. But I emplore you not to tell me to fnd christ, I am an apostate through the lords ignorance towards me. Maybe one day when I'm emotionally stable again I can let people try and get me to reconvert. But considering what kind of emotional distress I'm in im sure its going to make things worse for me if you all start trying to rearrange my whole view on the world. On a christian forum people are generally friendly, the one thing you all do well is anti-troll; Its why im here.

For now, Can we please postpone the conversion. I apreciate that you are all meaning it with good intention and I apreciate that. makes me feel a little better here, even over the internet. My atheism doesnt stop me respecting christians. I'm not reaching out to god, I'm reaching out to fellow human beings who I know, because of their belief in something I see to be an illusion; it somehow creates a crowd mentality of goodwill to one and another because of a moral code written in a book that they have faith in and see past its flaws. Flaws I always saw when I was forced to go to church, when i was agnostic, even when I was a christian child.

Your advices will be listened to. and maybe one day ill look for god. But i guarentee you, It will be in the form of a skeptic. I wont be looking to accept god. merely asking everything i can, If i cannot refute him, he is one step closer to being a fact. Thankyou for the good words, they mean alot. It must seem pretty illogical to ask christians for help without wanting to reach to their spirituality, i apologise for it. I guess im not only an emotional wreck but an intellectual wreck to.


Oh, heres a question

Is homosexuality wrong? Even though my feelings for my boyfriend are absolute. so much that i know the risks and take them for him anyway. and him to.

 

[handy]

Well, IS, given your circumstances, I'll try my best to be a friend and help without dragging too much spirituality into it. But, given that most, if not all problems, we suffer here on earth have a spiritual component to them, it's a little hard. Trying like cleaning up the after-effects of a flood without dealing with water.

You asked, "Is homosexuality wrong? Even though my feelings for my boyfriend are absolute. so much that i know the risks and take them for him anyway. and him to."

Here is how I will answer this:

On a Christian site such as this, it's not so much a question as to whether or not something is wrong as it is whether or not something is sinful. There's a subtle difference, but it's an important one. All of us, every single human being on this planet, are sinful. Our sin will prevent us from ever fully connecting with and loving our Maker. It's this sin that Jesus died on the cross for.

Things like homosexuality, fornication (sex between a man and woman who are not married to each other) drinking too much, lying on a test, stealing from one's employer, all these things are symptomatic of our sinful nature. Each one in of itself is sin, but no more, nor no less sinful than the other. All separate us from God.

What Christ desires, and what He has charged us Christians to bring to the world, is that we become reconciled to Him via His payment for our sin on the cross and His free offer of forgiveness. Once that is accepted, then one needs to start dealing with individual sins, such as sex outside of marriage (whether same-sex or not) or whatever other besetting sin one deals with.

However, since you are at this point an atheist, since you have already rejected God, then there really isn't any point to worry about any individual sin that you might engage in. You cannot, under any circumstances live a sin-free lifestyle without the Holy Spirit, and without belief in God, you will not have the Holy Spirit. Turn to the Spirit in belief, and He will more than equip you to leave sin behind, both the sin nature, which causes us to argue with God about what sin is to begin with, and individual sins like homosexuality or lying to one's mom. (And, just an FYI, although I've never been tempted towards homosexuality, I must confess, I've lied to my mom more than once in my life.)

This was why I said earlier that, as a non-Christian, if you have found comfort in a homosexual relationship, so be it. I'm not saying its a good thing, but just that it's no worse for you than if you find comfort in a bottle or in a syringe, or in trolling bars for one-night stands. In a lot of ways (temporal, earthly ways) it's probably a lot better.

I know that it seems as though the Church is railing against homosexuality a lot these days, as if homosexuality is the greatest of all sins. It's not. There are current political reasons why the Church is taking a stand, but it's no different than the Church taking a stand on abortion, slavery, drunkenness, or any of the other things the Church has taken a public stand against.

As for me, if a non-Christian identifies himself or herself as an homosexual, then my main concern with them isn't their sexuality, it's their lack of faith in God.

As for the physical risks to homosexuality: as a friend, I urge you to protect yourself. My brother-in-law died of AIDS. Do what you can to avoid that!

 

[Netnaut]

Im an atheist, I'm not looking for prayer. I'm looking for something more valuable. Christian advice.

Does this sound like you?

You are a loving person, but you're different. You want the world to accept you for who you are, but they won't. You've searched for answers and have come up dry. Now there is only bitterness and anger. You scream and cry, but there's no answer from the sky. "Why God", you ask, "why did you make such a horrible world-- a world where such bigotry and hatred can exist." But there is never, ever, ever, and answer ...

Does that sound right? Well, if you promise to listen closely, I will give you that answer now.

God is drawing all men to him, but only his children hear his voice. That is how he wants it. He wants only those who love him to join him in heaven. He will never answer you the way you want him to. The sky will not open up, and a voice will not speak to you. If it is in you to love his way, you will chose him. That is how he wants it. Jesus spoke in parables so that the wicked would not turn and be healed. I had to give up many things to follow him. Some were very hard to let go of. Some I could have justified keeping. It was not easy, but I can tell you this, I walk in new life. I walk in a soundness of spirit, and there is healing in my life. You can have that healing. You can have that peace of mind.


Grace and Peace,
John Hileman

 

[JudaicChristian]

Life is full of choices, and there is nothing unusual about humans having improper thoughts or feelings. It's your choice. It is going to take a long time for you to come out of your depression. There is no quick fix for any of those things. Even an Atheist can know what is wrong by what the results are in the end. :yes

 

[Mike]

IS, my real name is Mike, and I'm going to try to bring this back to terms that might have an impact where you are at today. But it is hard. A few years ago, I had a looooong conversation with an old roommate from college who confided with me that he was in fact gay. It blew my mind. I just never thought he was. Wow.

He was pretty in my face about it. All I can say is what I told him. You've come to a Christian site in a cry for help to sort things out. You asked if homosexuality is wrong. Yes, it would be wrong. So would a man and a woman who were sexually active outside the sanctity of marriage. Anything that occurs outside the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman is wrong in the general Christian perspective. What you're involved in is not much different than stuff that happens at the end of night with men and women everywhere. There is more of a spotlight on it, only from its foreignness to the heterosexual. I'll admit that. Men & women sleeping together is wrong, but there's more of a comfort level - more familiarity. That's not easy for me to say, but it's true. Handy's point about being no further from God, heterosexual or homosexual, if you do not have faith and come to accept Christ is valid. I pray the day comes when you do, and then you will have some real searching to do. I don't mean this to be another obstacle between you and faith. On the one hand, I want to counsel you to find a base line first and address the homosexual thing tomorrow. My concern is that you are not guaranteed to have tomorrow.

If you want some outside advice, you might make sure you're not being indignant and forcing your lifestyle on your mother. Don't be in her face. IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU ARE!!! I'm just saying, be careful not to get to that place. I would say the same to her.

Having said all this, I wonder why you would feel people on a Christian board are generally kind and compassionate. That's good to hear that someone thinks so. If you do see Christians as generally compassionate (or else you could pick a general board to go to) maybe there's something here that you recognize as special, if you're not convinced. I pray one day you'll look more into the reasons you chose to come to a Christian board. I don't know if you'll appreciate my post, and I can't promise that something someone else says will won't anger you. But I hope you look at the body of responses and choose to stick around.

I'm very sorry about your father and for you and your mother in the wake of it. Don't put that on yourself.

 

[jasoncran]

i will pray for you. hmm when you are ready to talk then i will share my testimony with you.

i was once part of the community you are in. the lbgt. but i was bi. and i am a male hetero now. i wont force you to change, i cant. only you must want to change and repent.

:verysad its sad when we lose our parents.

 

[InquisitiveSkeptic]

wow. your posts have all just opened my eyes to the nonsense coming out of my head. Im an atheist on a christian forum looking for christian advice without spirituality and asking if my homosexuality is wrong....

hey its friday... so 9 weeks down the line im still hideously irrational. Its going to take so much time to make sense of my head. My views on theology have even become a little unhinged. Even if i come to theism over this, why christianity? Why should i follow christianity? As a skeptic... I first need to prove with PEARL to myself god exists. because if he has an effect, then I can observe it. What is god's effect? An effect i cannot explain without something naturalistic and suggests the existance of god must make him atleast theoretical. Deism may be the best i ever get.




As christians... do you always follow the golden rule of accquiring truth in knowlege? "Always question everything." when you do, what points you to theism? what then puts you in a position to follow christianity?

then answer me this

The biblical and christian definition of evil is that evil is the lack of good, Rocks dont have good in them, that makes them evil, right? And the universe; because that lacks good intention, and will almost certianly kill anyone who ventures out of the protection of earth's atmospere without suficcient armour. god crated an evil universe? why?

 

[jasoncran]

the laws of nature arent evil, they have a purpose. surely you can call gravity both good(its what keeps the atmosphere in place that we need to live) and evil as if we jump from a cliff we will die.

actions have consequences. nothing more nothing less.

 

[Lewis]

wow. your posts have all just opened my eyes to the nonsense coming out of my head. Im an atheist on a christian forum looking for christian advice without spirituality and asking if my homosexuality is wrong....

hey its friday... so 9 weeks down the line im still hideously irrational. Its going to take so much time to make sense of my head. My views on theology have even become a little unhinged. Even if i come to theism over this, why christianity? Why should i follow christianity? As a skeptic... I first need to prove with PEARL to myself god exists. because if he has an effect, then I can observe it. What is god's effect? An effect i cannot explain without something naturalistic and suggests the existance of god must make him atleast theoretical. Deism may be the best i ever get.




As christians... do you always follow the golden rule of accquiring truth in knowlege? "Always question everything." when you do, what points you to theism? what then puts you in a position to follow christianity?

then answer me this

The biblical and christian definition of evil is that evil is the lack of good, Rocks dont have good in them, that makes them evil, right? And the universe; because that lacks good intention, and will almost certianly kill anyone who ventures out of the protection of earth's atmospere without suficcient armour. god crated an evil universe? why?

You coming here was no accident, God steered you here for a reason.

 

[destiny]

Oh dear, "InquisitiveSkeptic".. Words just aren't enough! You need to be in a group of people who love Jesus and will just intercede and love you for awhile, and allow you to see the love and power of God in demonstration. I pray you will seek and find the one true God and are delivered and set free.

 

[handy]

The biblical and christian definition of evil is that evil is the lack of good, Rocks dont have good in them, that makes them evil, right? And the universe; because that lacks good intention, and will almost certianly kill anyone who ventures out of the protection of earth's atmospere without suficcient armour. god crated an evil universe? why?

No, biblical and christian definition of evil is really more that evil is whatever is against God. Nature itself, rocks, trees, flowers aren't evil at all, they are just part of God's creation. Jesus said that if the people of Jerusalem ceased to call out His praises, the rocks would do so. Now, whether or not He meant that the rocks would start to sing, who knows, sometimes Jesus would say things and not give an explanation. But, this does indicate that rocks, being part of creation, would be more "pro-God" than evil.

God did not create an evil universe. The bible teaches us that death was not part of God's creation, it entered in due to sin. Presumably, had Adam and Eve not sinned, and presumably if we needed to go out of the protection of the earth's atmosphere, we wouldn't die. Presumably of course. It's hard to talk in such a theoretical way and make any hard statements.

btw, I don't think 9 weeks is all that long. Grieving takes some time, and a little of being "un-hinged" is part of the process.

You said, "I first need to prove with PEARL to myself god exists." Could you elaborate what you meant by this?

 

[oi_antz]

Oh, heres a question

Is homosexuality wrong? Even though my feelings for my boyfriend are absolute. so much that i know the risks and take them for him anyway. and him to.

Hey sorry not to have read this post before I posted on the divine massacre, I see where your anger comes from. I can testify having experience of your kind of love for one special guy you know, I feel attracted to men too. However my father didn't kill himself over it, he just told me to keep it away from him basically.

Notice all our decisions are calculated to fulfil need. Love and lust experiences are a physical emotional need whereas spirituality is the other end of the spectrum of personal need, according to Abraham Maslow's research:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_Hierarchy_of_Needs

So the physical relationships are the bottom layer and the spiritual relationships are the top layer. It is not until you accept Jesus Christ into your life that you can have a real spiritual relationship with God. If we establish and nurture a strong relationship with God, repentance encourages us to displace the sin in our life with holiness, thus having God in your life will miraculously change everything you hate to something you love.

I want to show you something about how spirituality works in Christianity but only God has the power to do that, so to hear what God says about having Christian faith (ie not from observing Christians but hearing from God Himself) I suggest you to read the whole chapter 10 of Matthew:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?se ... ersion=NIV

I noticed after my conversion I'm instantly interested in having a wife. I've never felt like that before and had protested the idea all my life. In a snap of fingers converted to thinking and seeing life as a typical Christian.

Recently you've experienced a phase of life where your need for God is quite strong, just be wary while you're on that path without having God, frustrations of hurt can have consequences if they are brought about in fury.

 

[Evointrinsic]

Hi IS, Don't worry, your not going to be getting any "Jesus is the only answer" from me. I'm an Atheist as well, I'm straight, yet I love homosexual people as friends. Come to think of it, more than heterosexual people for that matter (no offense to anyone).

It is absolutely natural for someone to feel guilt, as well as a belief that whatever events that happened in a poor manner was this someones own fault. It is natural for this same someone to feel like they could have done something to stop or prevent such an event. And it is natural for this same someone to feel depression after such an event.

All I can say is that you are not alone through this tragedy.

As for your mother, I'd hold off on the news for a while - until she is able to gather herself again.

Such a serious case of depression cannot generally be because of a single event, but rather an accumulation of events over a period of time.

For an observer of this, all I can offer you when it comes to information and aid is merely to think of the good times you and your father have had, the times which he showed his undoubted love for you and the rest of his family. All too often people only look at the bad when it comes to a bad event. The people that focus on the bad the most are the people who recover from it the slowest.

Is homosexuality wrong? That, my friend, is the wrong questions to ask on this type of forum (no offense to any of the other members here). Homosexuality is just as "right" as Heterosexuality is. There is absolutely no difference at all other than an individuals attraction. I actually admire openly gay men and women. I not only think they are wonderful people, but they are intensely courageous and all too often more intelligent than my self! (not that sexuality has anything to do with that, I just happen to know a lot of very smart homosexuals :D ) If I were to have children, I'd actually prefer them to be gay than straight. Openly gay men and women present themselves in such a way that straight men and women seem to have complications with. I of course am talking about their confidence. When it comes to straight men, they have a tendency of being so afraid of losing their "manly-hood", or have such a drive to impress the other guys or girls that their weakness is their fear of humility (of course not in all, but a vast majority it would seem), their need to show how "straight" they are is their burden. Where as all the gay men I've met just enjoy themselves and their company, they tend to be much more civil, respectful, and healthy people.

A while ago I went with a few of my gay friends out on the town for a drink and they took me to a gay bar, of all things. I was worried that I didn't belong and that someone would find out my "un-homosexuality", i didn't really know what I was going to get in to. But the fact is, I loved that bar. No one was trying to pick a fight, no one was trying too hard to pick up someone who was absolutely not interested in them (or at least not as much as other bars). That bar had some of the most gorgeous girls I have ever seen, which took me by surprise, of course many were lesbians. Not only that, but I got a lot of drinks bought for me, which you don't see much of at other bars. To this day, that single bar was my absolute favorite over any other bar I've been to.

I seem to have strayed off the question though... Is homosexuality wrong? All I can say is that nothing natural can be considered wrong or right.

 

[turnorburn]

Oh dear, "InquisitiveSkeptic".. Words just aren't enough! You need to be in a group of people who love Jesus and will just intercede and love you for awhile, and allow you to see the love and power of God in demonstration. I pray you will seek and find the one true God and are delivered and set free.

Thank you Destiny!

Amen

 

[Faithful4Christ]

IS, words cannot describe how terrible i feel for you... how sorry i am for you.. Something as horrible as this seems to tear right at your sense of right and wrong, your rationality and sanity; it takes all hope and hapiness from you. I too have felt a sense of guilt as large as this..

You seem to be here soley for answers and not for prayers (although im praying for you). It seems you need to PROVE God's existance in order to even think about following Him. Unfortunaltly, this cannot be done.. If we were able to prove His existance what would be the reason for Faith? However, with this said i have a question for you to answer using only your rationality..

Modern science clearly states that matter cannot be made or destroyed; it simply changes form. So then how did everything simply appear if it cannot be made? Something must have created it in the beginning.. Now im sure you have heard that before, but really.. take some time to think it over.

You have then asked why Christianity? You might say.. Why Christianity out of all other religions in the world? Well for the simply answer that Christianity is not a religion. Religion, you see, is mankind's attempt to make a relationship with God, however Christianity is God's attempt to make relationship with mankind. God sacrificing His own Son for us... How He loves us.

Ultimately, I would suspect you want to get rid of this guilt you are feeling.. Maybe get it out of your mind so you can go on with your life without thinking about that one dreadful day.. everyday.. At least that's exactly how i felt. Im truly sorry, as Im sure you dont wish to hear this, but God is your way to hapiness. Im sure you know the story of Jesus at the cross. He died there for you, knowing what would happen to you. He died there for you, in hopes that you will find peace within Him when that day did come. He died, so that you may live IS, not with feelings of regret and remorse, but with feelings of joy and love.

Because an exhange happened at the cross, you can be sinless. Jesus, a sinless man became ful of sin, so that we, sinful people, may become sinless. Jesus died, so that we may live. By simply putting your life into your Savior's hands, the guilt will lift from your shoulders.. I promise.

Again, Im sorry as I'm not sure if you wanted to hear all this, but I pray that you will hear this and not think it to be mumbo jumbo. I pray Lord, that You take the heart of this man and cleanse it with the blood of his Savior Jesus Christ; I pray that You take his thoughts and rationality and renew them with Your love. God, lift the pain of this man from him, so that he may live again, so that he may live anew. I pray that the warmth of Your love come upon him, greather than the warmth of the sun upon the earth. Father, I pray that this child seeks for You, so that he may find You in all Your glory. In Jesus name I pray this, Amen.

Thank you for giving me this chance to pray for you IS, i truly hope we can help you in your search of answers

 

[InquisitiveSkeptic]

The biblical and christian definition of evil is that evil is the lack of good, Rocks dont have good in them, that makes them evil, right? And the universe; because that lacks good intention, and will almost certianly kill anyone who ventures out of the protection of earth's atmospere without suficcient armour. god crated an evil universe? why?

No, biblical and christian definition of evil is really more that evil is whatever is against God. Nature itself, rocks, trees, flowers aren't evil at all, they are just part of God's creation. Jesus said that if the people of Jerusalem ceased to call out His praises, the rocks would do so. Now, whether or not He meant that the rocks would start to sing, who knows, sometimes Jesus would say things and not give an explanation. But, this does indicate that rocks, being part of creation, would be more "pro-God" than evil.

God did not create an evil universe. The bible teaches us that death was not part of God's creation, it entered in due to sin. Presumably, had Adam and Eve not sinned, and presumably if we needed to go out of the protection of the earth's atmosphere, we wouldn't die. Presumably of course. It's hard to talk in such a theoretical way and make any hard statements.

btw, I don't think 9 weeks is all that long. Grieving takes some time, and a little of being "un-hinged" is part of the process.

You said, "I first need to prove with PEARL to myself god exists." Could you elaborate what you meant by this?

PEARL... im a pearlist by any nature. and it literally means Physical Evidence And Reasoned Logic. Its an acronym of a belief system. I believe in only that wich is presentable or that wich subsantial logical or physical evidence points to. I am by no means closed minded, that would render me unable to believe in the multiverse.

im coming down off my "unhinged" state and beginning to get my thaught back in order. Personal loss like that is a hell of a thing to deal with. I do apologise for my illogical behaviour.