I'm sure I'm on the wrong thread (Advice)

[MsDias27]

When a boyfriend or girlfriend is the center of our life we do what..?
Talk to them as much and often as we can
listen to them
want to be where ever they are
listen to music that is a connection to them
hang out where they are
dress in what they might like
hang with the same friends
read their letters

What should a Godly relationship look like ?

 

[JohnDB]

How do you think you got to that point ? It's something I've been working on .

Well we both were just doing our things...

I had my ministry...she had hers before we ever met. Both of us were committed to service long before we met.

I wasn't looking to get married.
She had given up on finding a Christian man.
And that was when we met.

The main point is that we didn't need "to get right" or need to "have victory over a struggle" like you have described that you both need to.

Educations were finished... both of us were secure in our desires and identities.

 

[reba]

If i was looking for a husband today.. been married 52+ years... married to a non believer.
Knowing what i know today IF i could go back
In the context of a Christian couple..
the first thing i would look for or want :
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Eph 5:28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
I am a strong believer in a WIFE not a girlfriend being submissive to her husband not a boy friend . The commitment makes a big difference..
Has Jesus ever lied to the Church.. NOPE ..in a relationship we should not lie to each other
Has Jesus ever cheated in any way Nope so a soon to be spouse should not have cheated.
Jesus put the church first... we should put each other first... (Remember this is a Christian couple so we both put Jesus first)
HE died for His spouse...
can we die to self for our spouses... can ya learn to like football can he learn to like walks in the park..
We trust Jesus the Christ can we trust our spouses..

 

[Kidron]

What should a Godly relationship look like ?

-
Its a relationship where Jesus really matters to both.
Its a relationship where both want to make God happy.
So, when each checks their list of things that are important (priorities), and they discover that these 2 are not at the top of both lists, then THAT is the main reason any relationship is a mess, ....OR...., its the perfect way to create a Godly escape from a toxic relationship so that you can find the one that will be the real one for you.

 

[jack K]

Hi Ms Diaz

Honesty is really so important, if you care about someone you see it in their actions, not just words. None of us are perfect but based on his actions he does not take this relationship serious at all. You cannot build a foundation based on lies.

You have your whole life ahead of you, I have learnt that people will let you down, sometimes the people closest to you and least expect. However God will always be there, by acknowledging his existence through prayer you make him the centre part of your life. I always thought prayer would sometimes change my situations or at least that is what I was hoping for but prayer changes us and makes us stronger to deal with it better. Only once this happens has things then begun to change.

We all want that special someone in our lives but sometimes it happens by itself.

 

[MsDias27]

He also cried about us several times after we broke up . It's hard to know .

 

[reba]

Because one can turn on tears only makes them a good actor not a good spouse.

 

[MsDias27]

Well we both were just doing our things...

I had my ministry...she had hers before we ever met. Both of us were committed to service long before we met.

I wasn't looking to get married.
She had given up on finding a Christian man.
And that was when we met.

The main point is that we didn't need "to get right" or need to "have victory over a struggle" like you have described that you both need to.

Educations were finished... both of us were secure in our desires and identities.

I understand what your saying how does one get to that true passionate relationship with God ?

 

[MsDias27]

If i was looking for a husband today.. been married 52+ years... married to a non believer.
Knowing what i know today IF i could go back
In the context of a Christian couple..
the first thing i would look for or want :
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Eph 5:28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
I am a strong believer in a WIFE not a girlfriend being submissive to her husband not a boy friend . The commitment makes a big difference..
Has Jesus ever lied to the Church.. NOPE ..in a relationship we should not lie to each other
Has Jesus ever cheated in any way Nope so a soon to be spouse should not have cheated.
Jesus put the church first... we should put each other first... (Remember this is a Christian couple so we both put Jesus first)
HE died for His spouse...
can we die to self for our spouses... can ya learn to like football can he learn to like walks in the park..
We trust Jesus the Christ can we trust our spouses..

Thank you for sharing

 

[MsDias27]

-
Its a relationship where Jesus really matters to both.
Its a relationship where both want to make God happy.
So, when each checks their list of things that are important (priorities), and they discover that these 2 are not at the top of both lists, then THAT is the main reason any relationship is a mess, ....OR...., its the perfect way to create a Godly escape from a toxic relationship so that you can find the one that will be the real one for you.

I agree with you . I think God should be first . Opinions on boundaries ?

 

[MsDias27]

Hi Ms Diaz

Honesty is really so important, if you care about someone you see it in their actions, not just words. None of us are perfect but based on his actions he does not take this relationship serious at all. You cannot build a foundation based on lies.

You have your whole life ahead of you, I have learnt that people will let you down, sometimes the people closest to you and least expect. However God will always be there, by acknowledging his existence through prayer you make him the centre part of your life. I always thought prayer would sometimes change my situations or at least that is what I was hoping for but prayer changes us and makes us stronger to deal with it better. Only once this happens has things then begun to change.

We all want that special someone in our lives but sometimes it happens by itself.

Thank you for what you had to say Being close to God is what I truly desire

 

[MsDias27]

Because one can turn on tears only makes them a good actor not a good spouse.

It just seems he loves me based off of the way he lights up when he sees me , or what he says . But I also know my standards . Maybe one day things could be different between us . However , I don't think the time is right now . I will pray about it .

 

[reba]

wise decision

 

[Edward]

He also cried about us several times after we broke up . It's hard to know .

My opinion...no its not hard to know. Fact: he's lied continually to you about chatting up other girls. That does not sound like he's ready for marriage. If he was really all that in love with you, he'd be transparent.

And he's not. Trying to secretly delete the girls pics? He has no honor and is not trustworthy, yeah marry that guy! (Not).
If you can't trust what comes out of his mouth, ya got nothing. Sorry.

 

[MsDias27]

My opinion...no its not hard to know. Fact: he's lied continually to you about chatting up other girls. That does not sound like he's ready for marriage. If he was really all that in love with you, he'd be transparent.

And he's not. Trying to secretly delete the girls pics? He has no honor and is not trustworthy, yeah marry that guy! (Not).
If you can't trust what comes out of his mouth, ya got nothing. Sorry.

I agree . But sometimes I find myself giving the benefit of the doubt in saying , maybe he felt he couldn't be honest bcuz I have a history of getting upset . After he told me the girls were from a wedding , a few moments later he said they were from Tinder. However , it was kind of hopeless for him , as cheating is the biggest deal for me .

 

[JohnDB]

It takes two to make a good marriage.

Can he be a spiritual leader?
Does he lead you to a closer relationship with God? Why? How?
Does he push you to study scriptures more?
Does he lead in prayer with you?
Do you have any ministry?
Does he have any ministry?
What goals do your individual ministries have?

If you have a " history of getting upset" how do you think that affects your relationships? You say that you are especially sensitive to him cheating on you. (Even though you aren't engaged). Does that result in smothering him in a corner away from the rest of the world?

My wife and I often share the same thoughts...she is thinking what i am saying (or vice versa). That happen for you two? Especially after 3 years of dating. (It can create friction between us too as she already knows what I am thinking or doing)

 

[OzSpen]

Hey you guys . I'm new here . I've been questioning asking something like this online , but I would like some outside perspective . My boyfriend &I are both Christians & we've been together for 3 years . I love him & he's always treated me like gold . From buying me flowers , thoughtful handmade stuff, food, showing me love & being very attentive . He looks at me like he's very in love , like I'm perfect . However , there are negatives . There was a little white lie told in the beginning of our relationship & things kind of progressed . There was a girl on his snapchat , but he told me it was a guy that he knew . The second this happened , I wanted to be done . However I stuck through for years more. There has been lots of dishonesty in our relationship . I always believed things could get better . I'm not saying I'm perfect . I used to get upset / jealous / needy .. Maybe I contributed to the problem ? But it was something that I worked on. About 2 months ago we were out for dinner. We were looking through his pictures & in his glasses I could see he was deleting pictures of girls . I confronted him &I he told me it was a girl from a wedding his friend went to . He kept trying to delete the pictures without me seeing , pretending like he was looking at the check , when in reality he was looking at his phone in his lap . I also thought I saw him deleting contacts , but he said he was on snapchat . He later told me that he had gone on tinder during one of our rough patches. I broke up with him that day . Which I'm not sure it was during our rough patch , because why would the pictures still be there ? He said he had forgot they were there & forgot about the recently deleted folder . That basically means he was talking to other girls &a saving their pictures while he was with me . He said nothing came from it & that he realized he didn't want that . However , why should I believe that ? He also said it was a "white lie" & it's not like he murdered anyone . Last week I took him out for his birthday &I Ended up seeing his Facebook . He told me before that he wasn't the type of person to talk to girls on Facebook . I saw that, that wasn't true either . He said to one girl " hey pretty one" & I asked who these people were & he said he didn't know , which clearly isn't true bcuz he was talking to them . I feel like that was a breaking point for me . He told me before that he considered cheating " giving anyone else your attention " , so by his definition , he cheated . Most of the guys in my past cheated & this guy understood how important it was to me . He also knew how important honesty was to me . So this was kind of my breaking point . However , I'm confused . I love him , he's my best friend . He's a great guy . Treats other great , never jealous or mean , trusting . People always say that you love sticks together through anything . I can't help but feel I'm being selfish by not working on things . However , I've been working on things since the first lie was told years ago . He also had told me about a year ago about his porn struggle & how he masturbated to girls he went to school with on Instagam while he was with me . I didn't like it , but most people told me it was normal , so I stayed & tried working on things with him . But it doesn't seem that things got better ? I feel like I've tried sticking through for love , but I feel like you should draw the line at some point ? Or is that wrong . He doesn't believe that we are done & still makes an effort to talk. It seems we always run into eachother &I I wonder if God is trying to tell me something . I just feel I shouldn't lower my standards . There's this piece of me that says " I understand why he did it " bcuz we did go through a few rough patches .. But I want loyalty . It's like I'm making excuses . I dunno . I'm not trying to bad talk him .. He's a great guy .

MsDias27,

As a long-term youth, marriage & family counsellor, you have given enough information to indicate your boyfriend is a deceiver in actions towards you. If he's like this while you are courting and there is no radical growth in grace, there is a definite possibility that this behaviour will continue into marriage.

He seems to be sending mixed messages to you. Love and deceit are not good company. There are too many unpredictable behaviours here to build a stable relationship.

How would you respond to the idea of taking a break from your relationship and going out with some other Christian men?

Oz

 

[MsDias27]

My opinion...no its not hard to know. Fact: he's lied continually to you about chatting up other girls. That does not sound like he's ready for marriage. If he was really all that in love with you, he'd be transparent.

And he's not. Trying to secretly delete the girls pics? He has no honor and is not trustworthy, yeah marry that guy! (Not).
If you can't trust what comes out of his mouth, ya got nothing. Sorry.

But I guess looking back at the firs

It takes two to make a good marriage.

Can he be a spiritual leader?
Does he lead you to a closer relationship with God? Why? How?
Does he push you to study scriptures more?
Does he lead in prayer with you?
Do you have any ministry?
Does he have any ministry?
What goals do your individual ministries have?

If you have a " history of getting upset" how do you think that affects your relationships? You say that you are especially sensitive to him cheating on you. (Even though you aren't engaged). Does that result in smothering him in a corner away from the rest of the world?

My wife and I often share the same thoughts...she is thinking what i am saying (or vice versa). That happen for you two? Especially after 3 years of dating. (It can create friction between us too as she already knows what I am thinking or doing)

He tries to be a spiritual leader . To be honest , with both believe in God , & we love Him . However , I've noticed together , we tend to be typical . We go to church & do devotions sometimes . However , it doesn't go very deep . We will talk about God & get into those loving conversations & listen to Jesus music most of the time . I don't think I have smothered him . I used to be needy , but I've always gave him space to be with his friends & do his thing . I just don't trust him . - & yes. We both sync well together . I know what he's going to say & we think the same things . He's my best friend .

 

[Kidron]

I agree with you . I think God should be first . Opinions on boundaries ?

Why dont you put him to the test....
Try this....for the next 4 months, invest your life completely in God.
Never miss church, read your New Testament every day, and spend alone time with God every single day telling Him you love Him.
Start listening to Christian music....Refuse to watch anything (movies or tv) that is sensual or sexual.
In other words, for 4 months, live to make God happy with YOUR LIFESTYLE.
See how your BF reacts to this once he realizes its not just "one day" or "one week".
The thing is, sometimes you have to change nearly everything to find the right direction.
So, as its YOUR LIFE, then its UP TO YOU, isnt it?
See, you are the cause for what you choose to allow and for what you choose to continue.
Choose wisely, MsDias27, as you only have one life, and its not a rehearsal.
A good question to ask yourself is this......."is what im doing right now going to make me happy and content when im 40, 50, 60?
If not, there is your final answer.

 

[WIP]

Because one can turn on tears only makes them a good actor not a good spouse.

His crying could also be selfish desire. He lost something so now he's crying about it but not because he truly understands why he lost it. Sometimes we will also do this as a ploy (intentionally or otherwise) to get what we want. A child cries because it has needs but also at times because it has wants and it learns how to manipulate others to get it. People even go so far as to threaten suicide to push a guilt trip on others in the hopes of getting what they want.