I'm sure I'm on the wrong thread (Advice)

[Edward]

His crying could also be selfish desire. He lost something so now he's crying about it but not because he truly understands why he lost it. Sometimes we will also do this as a ploy (intentionally or otherwise) to get what we want. A child cries because it has needs but also at times because it has wants and it learns how to manipulate others to get it. People even go so far as to threaten suicide to push a guilt trip on others in the hopes of getting what they want.

Thats called regression. When they can't get what they want...they regress back to what has worked for them in the past, usually whining & crying.
Nobody likes to see the baby cry, go ahead and give it to them...whoops

 

[Edward]

I agree . But sometimes I find myself giving the benefit of the doubt in saying , maybe he felt he couldn't be honest bcuz I have a history of getting upset . After he told me the girls were from a wedding , a few moments later he said they were from Tinder. However , it was kind of hopeless for him , as cheating is the biggest deal for me .

That's mans favorite lame excuse, I didn't want to upset her...the way I figure it, honesty is crucial.

Being honest does at least 3 things, even if it's bad news...
Iy lets the other know what the real score is so the situation can be dealt with efficiently.
It allows a faster resolution to said problem because then the real problem is being dealt with and not a bunch of lies.
It assures the other that no matter how bad things are...at least you can count on anything that the other says! That last one is huge.

You have none of that. Your romantic heart is anxious so is deceiving you into (making excuses for him) thinking that untrustworthiness is something that can be worked out...

Remember the scripture that says if one can be trusted with a little, they can be trusted with a lot...and if one can not be trusted with little, he can't be trusted with a lot?
Save your future Sister...

 

[jack K]

Hi Ms Diaz

Your situation came to mind today and self worth and pride are words what I thought of. We all deserve the best and to be treated right, we owe that to ourselves. Why settle with somebody if they not really committed to you?
Maybe he is crying because he wants the best of both worlds? Just don't settle for second best just for the sake of been in a relationship. 3 years is a long time however it is never to late to start over and you are just so young.
Try taking 2 steps back and imagine a close friend came to you seeking advice on the situation you in now, what would you say?
I don't mean to be hard on you but if he is your best friend, why does he hurt you?
You will get through this but the ball is in your court.

Regards
Jack

 

[JohnDB]

But I guess looking back at the firs

He tries to be a spiritual leader . To be honest , with both believe in God , & we love Him . However , I've noticed together , we tend to be typical . We go to church & do devotions sometimes . However , it doesn't go very deep . We will talk about God & get into those loving conversations & listen to Jesus music most of the time . I don't think I have smothered him . I used to be needy , but I've always gave him space to be with his friends & do his thing . I just don't trust him . - & yes. We both sync well together . I know what he's going to say & we think the same things . He's my best friend .

OK well then...
Extending him some grace by not "getting upset" and scolding him will over time allow him to be more honest with you.

Look at the scenario this way...
He shares some of his intimate thoughts with you and (not sexual...just secret) all of a sudden the person who he cares for the most, who has power over his feelings, gives him a scolding lecture.
Guess what happens the next time he wants to share secret feelings?

And it's very difficult to put that genie back in the bottle.

Trust is easily broken... especially when you were the first to break it. (Sorry, but it's true)

What I'm saying is that marriage is about you giving up your body and heart to him...they become his. He in turn leads you and your body to Christ.
It's not easy. It takes a lot of maturity. You become his heart and a cross word from you crushes him to the core.

I'm not saying that you need to be a doormat. But a great marriage is not common.
He isn't there to make you happy or feel anything. He is there for you to give yourself to.
Two completely capable individuals... capable of standing and serving God independently: choosing to serve God together.
If the two of you can do that...it will be a great marriage... otherwise it is going to be common and susceptible to disaster.

It's your ministry to God at stake.
But
Christian men who are serious about their faith are rare and hard to come by.
Only the best of the best of Christian women will get one. Your boyfriend has more women to choose from than you do of men. You can't afford to be less than the best if you want a Christian man and marriage. That doesn't mean the prettiest or wealthy or smartest. It does mean that you have to exhibit the spiritual fruits moreso than the other women around you.

 

[MsDias27]

Hey you guys . I'm new here . I've been questioning asking something like this online , but I would like some outside perspective . My boyfriend &I are both Christians & we've been together for 3 years . I love him & he's always treated me like gold . From buying me flowers , thoughtful handmade stuff, food, showing me love & being very attentive . He looks at me like he's very in love , like I'm perfect . However , there are negatives . There was a little white lie told in the beginning of our relationship & things kind of progressed . There was a girl on his snapchat , but he told me it was a guy that he knew . The second this happened , I wanted to be done . However I stuck through for years more. There has been lots of dishonesty in our relationship . I always believed things could get better . I'm not saying I'm perfect . I used to get upset / jealous / needy .. Maybe I contributed to the problem ? But it was something that I worked on. About 2 months ago we were out for dinner. We were looking through his pictures & in his glasses I could see he was deleting pictures of girls . I confronted him &I he told me it was a girl from a wedding his friend went to . He kept trying to delete the pictures without me seeing , pretending like he was looking at the check , when in reality he was looking at his phone in his lap . I also thought I saw him deleting contacts , but he said he was on snapchat . He later told me that he had gone on tinder during one of our rough patches. I broke up with him that day . Which I'm not sure it was during our rough patch , because why would the pictures still be there ? He said he had forgot they were there & forgot about the recently deleted folder . That basically means he was talking to other girls &a saving their pictures while he was with me . He said nothing came from it & that he realized he didn't want that . However , why should I believe that ? He also said it was a "white lie" & it's not like he murdered anyone . Last week I took him out for his birthday &I Ended up seeing his Facebook . He told me before that he wasn't the type of person to talk to girls on Facebook . I saw that, that wasn't true either . He said to one girl " hey pretty one" & I asked who these people were & he said he didn't know , which clearly isn't true bcuz he was talking to them . I feel like that was a breaking point for me . He told me before that he considered cheating " giving anyone else your attention " , so by his definition , he cheated . Most of the guys in my past cheated & this guy understood how important it was to me . He also knew how important honesty was to me . So this was kind of my breaking point . However , I'm confused . I love him , he's my best friend . He's a great guy . Treats other great , never jealous or mean , trusting . People always say that you love sticks together through anything . I can't help but feel I'm being selfish by not working on things . However , I've been working on things since the first lie was told years ago . He also had told me about a year ago about his porn struggle & how he masturbated to girls he went to school with on Instagam while he was with me . I didn't like it , but most people told me it was normal , so I stayed & tried working on things with him . But it doesn't seem that things got better ? I feel like I've tried sticking through for love , but I feel like you should draw the line at some point ? Or is that wrong . He doesn't believe that we are done & still makes an effort to talk. It seems we always run into eachother &I I wonder if God is trying to tell me something . I just feel I shouldn't lower my standards . There's this piece of me that says " I understand why he did it " bcuz we did go through a few rough patches .. But I want loyalty . It's like I'm making excuses . I dunno . I'm not trying to bad talk him .. He's a great guy .

Side note : the messages I saw on his Facebook was from months ago . It just still hurt bcuz he told me he wasn't the type to talk to girls on there .

 

[MsDias27]

OK well then...
Extending him some grace by not "getting upset" and scolding him will over time allow him to be more honest with you.

Look at the scenario this way...
He shares some of his intimate thoughts with you and (not sexual...just secret) all of a sudden the person who he cares for the most, who has power over his feelings, gives him a scolding lecture.
Guess what happens the next time he wants to share secret feelings?

And it's very difficult to put that genie back in the bottle.

Trust is easily broken... especially when you were the first to break it. (Sorry, but it's true)

What I'm saying is that marriage is about you giving up your body and heart to him...they become his. He in turn leads you and your body to Christ.
It's not easy. It takes a lot of maturity. You become his heart and a cross word from you crushes him to the core.

I'm not saying that you need to be a doormat. But a great marriage is not common.
He isn't there to make you happy or feel anything. He is there for you to give yourself to.
Two completely capable individuals... capable of standing and serving God independently: choosing to serve God together.
If the two of you can do that...it will be a great marriage... otherwise it is going to be common and susceptible to disaster.

It's your ministry to God at stake.
But
Christian men who are serious about their faith are rare and hard to come by.
Only the best of the best of Christian women will get one. Your boyfriend has more women to choose from than you do of men. You can't afford to be less than the best if you want a Christian man and marriage. That doesn't mean the prettiest or wealthy or smartest. It does mean that you have to exhibit the spiritual fruits moreso than the other women around you.

It's not quite like that . The first bit of dishonesty was told when he didn't know me well, a couple months in . The second time was in saying that the girl on snapchat was a man that he knew . About a month later I got him to tell me that it was a girl . I was upset , but for a good reason . I was calm , but explained myself . I think I would get upset over feeling like I wasn't important at times . I got upset over other lies that I found out bcuz he knew that I wasn't okay with dishonesty . Then when he told me about the porn & Instagram struggle , I was loving , but also distant . I felt that you needed to make it clear that you weren't okay with it . I tried to all that I could to help- sending him advice websites , encouraging him to tell another Godly guy , avoid certain tv shows . I would get upset about stuff like that bcuz it felt like it was what it was . I prayed a lot about it . I understand him not wanting to hurt me , but he knew how important honesty was . Especially last week . Could this all have been avoiding if I had handled my emotions better ? It just makes me wonder if I should "give it another shot " & actually be calm & let him be open . But at the same time , I want to know that even if things sucked that my guy would still be loyal .

 

[MsDias27]

OK well then...
Extending him some grace by not "getting upset" and scolding him will over time allow him to be more honest with you.

Look at the scenario this way...
He shares some of his intimate thoughts with you and (not sexual...just secret) all of a sudden the person who he cares for the most, who has power over his feelings, gives him a scolding lecture.
Guess what happens the next time he wants to share secret feelings?

And it's very difficult to put that genie back in the bottle.

Trust is easily broken... especially when you were the first to break it. (Sorry, but it's true)

What I'm saying is that marriage is about you giving up your body and heart to him...they become his. He in turn leads you and your body to Christ.
It's not easy. It takes a lot of maturity. You become his heart and a cross word from you crushes him to the core.

I'm not saying that you need to be a doormat. But a great marriage is not common.
He isn't there to make you happy or feel anything. He is there for you to give yourself to.
Two completely capable individuals... capable of standing and serving God independently: choosing to serve God together.
If the two of you can do that...it will be a great marriage... otherwise it is going to be common and susceptible to disaster.

It's your ministry to God at stake.
But
Christian men who are serious about their faith are rare and hard to come by.
Only the best of the best of Christian women will get one. Your boyfriend has more women to choose from than you do of men. You can't afford to be less than the best if you want a Christian man and marriage. That doesn't mean the prettiest or wealthy or smartest. It does mean that you have to exhibit the spiritual fruits moreso than the other women around you.

Well I hope one day to be with someone who is honest & faithful / after God's heart . Whether that be with this guy if things are truly different one day , or someone else .

 

[MsDias27]

That's mans favorite lame excuse, I didn't want to upset her...the way I figure it, honesty is crucial.

Being honest does at least 3 things, even if it's bad news...
Iy lets the other know what the real score is so the situation can be dealt with efficiently.
It allows a faster resolution to said problem because then the real problem is being dealt with and not a bunch of lies.
It assures the other that no matter how bad things are...at least you can count on anything that the other says! That last one is huge.

You have none of that. Your romantic heart is anxious so is deceiving you into (making excuses for him) thinking that untrustworthiness is something that can be worked out...

Remember the scripture that says if one can be trusted with a little, they can be trusted with a lot...and if one can not be trusted with little, he can't be trusted with a lot?
Save your future Sister...

I agree with you . Thank you for what you had to say . I wonder if somehow it's my fault for getting upset over things in the past to where he felt he couldn't be honest with me .

 

[MsDias27]

Hi Ms Diaz

Your situation came to mind today and self worth and pride are words what I thought of. We all deserve the best and to be treated right, we owe that to ourselves. Why settle with somebody if they not really committed to you?
Maybe he is crying because he wants the best of both worlds? Just don't settle for second best just for the sake of been in a relationship. 3 years is a long time however it is never to late to start over and you are just so young.
Try taking 2 steps back and imagine a close friend came to you seeking advice on the situation you in now, what would you say?
I don't mean to be hard on you but if he is your best friend, why does he hurt you?
You will get through this but the ball is in your court.

Regards
Jack

It's hard for me to know. I'm not sure of the last time he was talking to other people . He could have stopped a couple months back when we broke up . I saw older messages on his Facebook from like November . It just bothered me bcuz he said he wasn't the type to talk on there . I agree with you though .. But I do have a bad habit of trying to understand everyone & try to understand why he did what he did . I also wonder if it's my fault he felt he couldn't be honest anyways .

 

[MsDias27]

There's just so much guess work after awhile. You always have to wonder what was true & what wasn't . You always have to be working through it in your head .

 

[JohnDB]

There's just so much guess work after awhile. You always have to wonder what was true & what wasn't . You always have to be working through it in your head .

No, you don't.
Thinking too much will rot your brain.
Making it worthless .

Focus on being a "giver". Sticking to purity. Have some courage in your convictions...and in your worth.
Trust an old dog on this one. Things will work out.
Guys love home cooking. (Just a hint)

 

[Edward]

I agree with you . Thank you for what you had to say . I wonder if somehow it's my fault for getting upset over things in the past to where he felt he couldn't be honest with me .

That's big of you to consider that you may have fault in this, kind of a rare virtue nowadays, lol.

You prolly do hold some fault, nobody's perfect. Plus you're on here looking for advice from Brothers & Sisters, so you're on the right track and I commend you for that. A wise thing to do.

A lot hinges on this for your future. Be careful, and continue to pray about it. I will too for you.

Blessings, Sister.

 

[Edward]

Why dont you put him to the test....
Try this....for the next 4 months, invest your life completely in God.
Never miss church, read your New Testament every day, and spend alone time with God every single day telling Him you love Him.
Start listening to Christian music....Refuse to watch anything (movies or tv) that is sensual or sexual.
In other words, for 4 months, live to make God happy with YOUR LIFESTYLE.
See how your BF reacts to this once he realizes its not just "one day" or "one week".
The thing is, sometimes you have to change nearly everything to find the right direction.
So, as its YOUR LIFE, then its UP TO YOU, isnt it?
See, you are the cause for what you choose to allow and for what you choose to continue.
Choose wisely, MsDias27, as you only have one life, and its not a rehearsal.
A good question to ask yourself is this......."is what im doing right now going to make me happy and content when im 40, 50, 60?
If not, there is your final answer.

This is good advice, to test him. You'll learn where his priorities lie. I think he's hung up on "little white lies" God does see little white lies to be as bad as murder, sin is sin.

Would he lie to you if Jesus was standing right there? Because He is!!

 

[MsDias27]

No, you don't.
Thinking too much will rot your brain.
Making it worthless .

Focus on being a "giver". Sticking to purity. Have some courage in your convictions...and in your worth.
Trust an old dog on this one. Things will work out.
Guys love home cooking. (Just a hint)

Haha I'm not quite sure what you mean .

 

[MsDias27]

That's big of you to consider that you may have fault in this, kind of a rare virtue nowadays, lol.

You prolly do hold some fault, nobody's perfect. Plus you're on here looking for advice from Brothers & Sisters, so you're on the right track and I commend you for that. A wise thing to do.

A lot hinges on this for your future. Be careful, and continue to pray about it. I will too for you.

Blessings, Sister.

Thank you for your prayers ! I will keep praying about it .

 

[MsDias27]

I think ultimately I'm going to keep to myself & focus on God . I don't think the trust can be rebuilt currently &I I don't think things would be right . I was reading some in Zechariah 8 & it talked about trust . I don't feel I should change my standards .. But if God wants otherwise , I'm sure He will let me know . I just don't think the relationship would be healthy right now .. I will focus on God . Thank you guys for your lovely help

 

[reba]

I think ultimately I'm going to keep to myself & focus on God . I don't think the trust can be rebuilt currently &I I don't think things would be right . I was reading some in Zechariah 8 & it talked about trust . I don't feel I should change my standards .. But if God wants otherwise , I'm sure He will let me know . I just don't think the relationship would be healthy right now .. I will focus on God . Thank you guys for your lovely help

 

[MsDias27]

I'm not sure that anyone would see this ... But . I had met up with my ex boyfriend so I could apologize for my poor reaction when he told me about his porn struggle.. & I remained calm & quiet the whole time I was around him . I ended up seeing his phone &I I found out that he had screenshotted pictures of girls tinder accounts from after our rough patch. He also had girls saved in his contacts . I asked who they were but alls he could say was " I don't know" . He also had the girls number in his phone that he was first dishonest about & still said maybe it was a guy . Maybe nothing was meant by the number , but when you lie again that makes it not okay . He had told me previously he hadn't texted the girls from tinder , but then he told me that he did . He also said that they weren't on snapchat , but they were . He also said he went on the dating websites in our rough patch , but that was in March . I saw pictures from May& April . He wrote me a letter previously & said that he talked to other girls during our bad times because it boosted his ego & would make him feel better . Now I can't help but feeling like this is my fault . I went through the old letters from like 2 years ago he wrote me & he seemed really happy . Maybe I was just too hard on him the whole relationship & he just turned to others eventually . I wish I could go back &I change things . I would like to think someone could stay loyal even through the bad times . I wish he would have talked to me & told me how he felt instead of making everything always seem happy .. Telling me how much he loved me , when he was talking to others behind the scenes . - I tried to show him love last time I saw him &I I held him while he cried . But at this point .. He should know honesty is important to me . I tried to be as Christ like as possible .. But that doesn't mean our relationship could be healthy anymore . I told him that we couldn't ever work through things , bcuz he can't be honest . It's like he is programmed to save me the hurt . I just feel really broken. Pray for him & I please . Thanks guys .

 

[reba]

some times the better choices we make hurt ..

 

[jack K]

Hi Ms Diaz

Don't blame yourself or wonder what you did wrong.
You are really strong and brave to walk away from this situation.
It won't be easy at times and you will most definitely miss him however you never know what the future can bring.

All the best.