Hello fellow CF members, I will just call myself OneHope (due to privacy reasons, I cannot reveal my common nickname and real name, since internet is extremely scary these days).
Been a Christian since I was born, but didn’t get so close to God till probably I was 14 years old onwards. Not known to many, I was a kid who suffered from Autism (not a serious case), but praise God that he is able to deliver me out.
This year I am 22 years of age. But things aren’t going well in my life to the point when I had to ask God: “Are you punishing me? Am I a lost cause person? If I am someone you hate, why not you just end my life now and just throw me in the lake of fire, right here, right now?”
It all started when I was young, Autistic person living an unknowingly, sinful life. Even as a minor, I was already partaking in Pornography, sex and even homosexuality even though my age was just a single digit.
In Primary school, I was bullied and “friends” took advantage of my autism for their entertainment when their school life is “boring”.
In Secondary School and even today, in my Polytechnic/Degree studies, the same thing happens. I thought, it first that, me being a good Friend is essential. But once their tank is full, they dump me, like a toy that is not needed anymore.
And then the time came, I realised that I was actually sexually abused, taken advantage of and treated badly. It started to make me back away from people, because I couldn’t believe it, I took part in sin that’s considered “normal” today.
I was alone (and possibly one of the most vulnerable positions in a Christian’s life), I prayed for God to send a Friend, a Brother in my life.
He did, but the happiness was short lived when a year later, he “ended” my friendship as to Ensure his reputation. He even smeared my reputation to others and even his church because he thought I was “gay” (when I didn’t do anything relatively close to loving acts other than hugs as a friendly gesture), unreasonable and just doing things to make him uncomfortable.
With friends aside, my family is usually very busy with their everyday lives. I don’t blame them, because they have a life to live, just like all of us. I couldn’t talk to them about my situation because I am not close to them.
To sum this all up (or TL:biggrinR), I had many abusive friends, a really busy family that don’t have time for me and no one in particular I could really trust other than God. And I know that being alone is a very vulnerable position, but I don’t have a choice.
Today, I am just induced in extreme fear and possibly depression (I am planning to see a psychiatrist soon). I am scared to make new friends, over the fear that the same thing will occur because it did even with God’s people. I continually expect nothing from people because, even though my church Pastor preaches that healthy expectations are fine, it seems that even my “essential” expectations are so difficult to fulfill for many, my “friends”, family and leaders.
Words can no longer describe my situation, if I were to do so, I would be actually writing 100 times longer than this). Everyday I go to sleep, in sadness, occasionally drenching my bed in cold sweat, having nightmares as well. I wake up feeling extremely down that nothing “much” is gonna happen. Even doing things I (used to) love to do, I could no longer find happiness in them; finding new hobbies didn’t do much either, it’s like finding a temporary activity to fill the void, but time flies and soon, the void returns again.
All I can ask is, what is God doing? If he is the king of all who loves me, why did he allow this to occur?
Do I deserve it?
It’s not really the enemies I have that I fear, it’s people that I trusted, ended up destroying me, even Christians, for the benefit of their own. In other words, God himself is the only one who knows how I feel exactly. No one else knows.
Been a Christian since I was born, but didn’t get so close to God till probably I was 14 years old onwards. Not known to many, I was a kid who suffered from Autism (not a serious case), but praise God that he is able to deliver me out.
This year I am 22 years of age. But things aren’t going well in my life to the point when I had to ask God: “Are you punishing me? Am I a lost cause person? If I am someone you hate, why not you just end my life now and just throw me in the lake of fire, right here, right now?”
It all started when I was young, Autistic person living an unknowingly, sinful life. Even as a minor, I was already partaking in Pornography, sex and even homosexuality even though my age was just a single digit.
In Primary school, I was bullied and “friends” took advantage of my autism for their entertainment when their school life is “boring”.
In Secondary School and even today, in my Polytechnic/Degree studies, the same thing happens. I thought, it first that, me being a good Friend is essential. But once their tank is full, they dump me, like a toy that is not needed anymore.
And then the time came, I realised that I was actually sexually abused, taken advantage of and treated badly. It started to make me back away from people, because I couldn’t believe it, I took part in sin that’s considered “normal” today.
I was alone (and possibly one of the most vulnerable positions in a Christian’s life), I prayed for God to send a Friend, a Brother in my life.
He did, but the happiness was short lived when a year later, he “ended” my friendship as to Ensure his reputation. He even smeared my reputation to others and even his church because he thought I was “gay” (when I didn’t do anything relatively close to loving acts other than hugs as a friendly gesture), unreasonable and just doing things to make him uncomfortable.
With friends aside, my family is usually very busy with their everyday lives. I don’t blame them, because they have a life to live, just like all of us. I couldn’t talk to them about my situation because I am not close to them.
To sum this all up (or TL:biggrinR), I had many abusive friends, a really busy family that don’t have time for me and no one in particular I could really trust other than God. And I know that being alone is a very vulnerable position, but I don’t have a choice.
Today, I am just induced in extreme fear and possibly depression (I am planning to see a psychiatrist soon). I am scared to make new friends, over the fear that the same thing will occur because it did even with God’s people. I continually expect nothing from people because, even though my church Pastor preaches that healthy expectations are fine, it seems that even my “essential” expectations are so difficult to fulfill for many, my “friends”, family and leaders.
Words can no longer describe my situation, if I were to do so, I would be actually writing 100 times longer than this). Everyday I go to sleep, in sadness, occasionally drenching my bed in cold sweat, having nightmares as well. I wake up feeling extremely down that nothing “much” is gonna happen. Even doing things I (used to) love to do, I could no longer find happiness in them; finding new hobbies didn’t do much either, it’s like finding a temporary activity to fill the void, but time flies and soon, the void returns again.
All I can ask is, what is God doing? If he is the king of all who loves me, why did he allow this to occur?
Do I deserve it?
It’s not really the enemies I have that I fear, it’s people that I trusted, ended up destroying me, even Christians, for the benefit of their own. In other words, God himself is the only one who knows how I feel exactly. No one else knows.
