Is He even close, active?

[WhereisHe?]

The chance you will understand the condition of my heart is low, but my soul is crying and I don’t know how to comfort it.

I read a lot of scriptures. I had to do it in order to keep it in my heart. But after a lot of reading, my heart started to change, to a point that I had to stop reading.
All the words I ever read and believed, I wanted them to be true, not just in my understanding, but in real life. My heart and soul started to thirst, think of things I did not know could be true and possible. I started to desire something I don’t know, I started to dream and desire to heal broken people. I’d close my eyes and imagine it. I started to question what it really means to know the truth, and what it really is, because all I read was not happening in my life and around me. Jesus stole my heart, and eventually my life - I can’t stop thinking of Him. But my desires that are not even my own, are not being fulfilled. I cannot remove them. Everyday I expect God, every day I go to sleep with sadness, that comes from a real thirst of Him, my belief and faith what He can do, yet nothing. Why is He so inactive, my soul asketh. I wanted to stop believe, I stop reading, but my soul is so uncontrollable, refusing to be calmed down, I’ve never gone through it, it’s like a thing that keeps seeking, you say calm down, take a rest, but it keeps seeking. You are tired of this guessing game, strong desires. It’s so overwhelming I’d wish to stop the strong feeling in me, and just forget.

I don’t want my own life. I’m too aware how life is short. I crave to be a living sacrifice, I can’t think otherwise anymore. I want people to really know the Creator, I want Christians not be confused what Jesus’ words mean. I want plain truth, plain Jesus. Oh, how I wish one soul would underhand, where my words come from.

 

[Hidden In Him]

The chance you will understand the condition of my heart is low, but my soul is crying and I don’t know how to comfort it.

I read a lot of scriptures. I had to do it in order to keep it in my heart. But after a lot of reading, my heart started to change, to a point that I had to stop reading.
All the words I ever read and believed, I wanted them to be true, not just in my understanding, but in real life. My heart and soul started to thirst, think of things I did not know could be true and possible. I started to desire something I don’t know, I started to dream and desire to heal broken people. I’d close my eyes and imagine it. I started to question what it really means to know the truth, and what it really is, because all I read was not happening in my life and around me. Jesus stole my heart, and eventually my life - I can’t stop thinking of Him. But my desires that are not even my own, are not being fulfilled. I cannot remove them. Everyday I expect God, every day I go to sleep with sadness, that comes from a real thirst of Him, my belief and faith what He can do, yet nothing. Why is He so inactive, my soul asketh. I wanted to stop believe, I stop reading, but my soul is so uncontrollable, refusing to be calmed down, I’ve never gone through it, it’s like a thing that keeps seeking, you say calm down, take a rest, but it keeps seeking. You are tired of this guessing game, strong desires. It’s so overwhelming I’d wish to stop the strong feeling in me, and just forget.

I don’t want my own life. I’m too aware how life is short. I crave to be a living sacrifice, I can’t think otherwise anymore. I want people to really know the Creator, I want Christians not be confused what Jesus’ words mean. I want plain truth, plain Jesus. Oh, how I wish one soul would underhand, where my words come from.

Greetings,

Let me ask you something. When you read the Bible, do you sort of read along like it's a newspaper passively?

 

[WhereisHe?]

Greetings,

Let me ask you something. When you read the Bible, do you sort of read along like it's a newspaper passively?

Greetings, when I read the Bible, I put myself and my understanding away. I wanted wisdom, I cried for wisdom, I wanted purity and holiness, I hungered for Jesus, His words brought light, every of His words I considered in my heart. It changed me, it opened my eyes of what’s possible, there my desires grew and now I cannot forget the words in the Bible, it’s playing in my heart like music I cannot turn off.

 

[Hidden In Him]

Greetings, when I read the Bible, I put myself and my understanding away. I wanted wisdom, I cried for wisdom, I wanted purity and holiness, I hungered for Jesus, His words brought light, every of His words I considered in my heart. It changed me, it opened my eyes of what’s possible, there my desires grew and now I cannot forget the words in the Bible, it’s playing in my heart like music I cannot turn off.

Ok, good! Well you were asking where He is, and my response would be He is right there, the music still playing in your ear, and you should continue giving yourself to time listening to Him and letting Him teach you.

 

[WhereisHe?]

Ok, good! Well you were asking where He is, and my response would be He is right there, the music still playing in your ear, and you should continue giving yourself to time listening to Him and letting Him teach you.

I understand you. It’s what I’ve been doing since I had believed. The more you dedicate your life, the more it all changes. I wish I could be okay with ‘letting Him to teach me based on what’s going on in me’ but I cannot anymore. Have you ever desired a thing that only God can give? Have you received it

 

[Hidden In Him]

Have you ever desired a thing that only God can give? Have you received it

Yes, and to some extent yes.

What specifically are you desiring?

 

[WhereisHe?]

Yes, and to some extent yes.

What specifically are you desiring?

A lot of things that I cannot get by my strength, wisdom, ability, efforts.

It all revolves about the Lord. I desire to heal people. I desire to go where He wants. I desire to be explained Jesus’ words from Him and He did to His disciples. I desire to do more than Jesus, as He promised. I desire God to be active, for His people He made, each and one of them. I desire Himself. I desire to live for Him, yes even that not possible without Him. And so much more He can do only.

 

[Hidden In Him]

A lot of things that I cannot get by my strength, wisdom, ability, efforts.

It all revolves about the Lord. I desire to heal people. I desire to go where He wants. I desire to be explained Jesus’ words from Him and He did to His disciples. I desire to do more than Jesus, as He promised. I desire God to be active, for His people He made, each and one of them. I desire Himself. I desire to live for Him, yes even that not possible without Him. And so much more He can do only.

Well so do I, but the thing is, the power to do such things carries responsibility with it, both spiritual responsibility and moral responsibility.

I have some things to do but I can come back to this later on. But how often do you fast and pray concerning such things?

Blessings in Christ, and welcome to our forum!

 

[WhereisHe?]

Well so do I, but the thing is, the power to do such things carries responsibility with it, both spiritual responsibility and moral responsibility.

I have some things to do but I can come back to this later on. But how often do you fast and pray concerning such things?

Blessings in Christ, and welcome to our forum!

Thank you for your time. How much you want it? Will your life be incomplete without it?

I pray without ceasing. I told you, I can’t calm down my soul. I mean it literally. It feels so surreal. I fasted about it before, but fasting is not to make God to do something. Fasting is a humbling process, but it’s all about the heart. As Matthew Mead (1661) said ‘The highest profession may be, where the true conversion is not’

And as the preacher said in the Bible ‘Sheol and Abaddon lie open before the Lord— How much more the hearts and inner motives of the children of men.’

 

[PopaSodinski]

He is all around you, working throughout the world at all times. Not just in big, miraculous ways but also in small things. If you cannot see Him, you need to learn to open your eyes, to see Him. Pray for this earnestly.

God bless.

 

[KV-44-v1]

.

What are your beliefs on Genesis?

Good sites:
creation.com
crev.info
answersingenesis.org
carm.org

 

[NoahK]

The chance you will understand the condition of my heart is low, but my soul is crying and I don’t know how to comfort it.

I read a lot of scriptures. I had to do it in order to keep it in my heart. But after a lot of reading, my heart started to change, to a point that I had to stop reading.
All the words I ever read and believed, I wanted them to be true, not just in my understanding, but in real life. My heart and soul started to thirst, think of things I did not know could be true and possible. I started to desire something I don’t know, I started to dream and desire to heal broken people. I’d close my eyes and imagine it. I started to question what it really means to know the truth, and what it really is, because all I read was not happening in my life and around me. Jesus stole my heart, and eventually my life - I can’t stop thinking of Him. But my desires that are not even my own, are not being fulfilled. I cannot remove them. Everyday I expect God, every day I go to sleep with sadness, that comes from a real thirst of Him, my belief and faith what He can do, yet nothing. Why is He so inactive, my soul asketh. I wanted to stop believe, I stop reading, but my soul is so uncontrollable, refusing to be calmed down, I’ve never gone through it, it’s like a thing that keeps seeking, you say calm down, take a rest, but it keeps seeking. You are tired of this guessing game, strong desires. It’s so overwhelming I’d wish to stop the strong feeling in me, and just forget.

I don’t want my own life. I’m too aware how life is short. I crave to be a living sacrifice, I can’t think otherwise anymore. I want people to really know the Creator, I want Christians not be confused what Jesus’ words mean. I want plain truth, plain Jesus. Oh, how I wish one soul would underhand, where my words come from.

When you repent and accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, this happen:

Matthew 11:29
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

The rest for your soul that you seek comes when Christ sends you the Holy Spirit (aka Comforter). You can never give your soul the rest that Christ and the Spirit can.

 

[WhereisHe?]

Yes, no proper answers, just your understanding from the Bible…:/

 

[Vinny37]

The chance you will understand the condition of my heart is low, but my soul is crying and I don’t know how to comfort it.

I read a lot of scriptures. I had to do it in order to keep it in my heart. But after a lot of reading, my heart started to change, to a point that I had to stop reading.
All the words I ever read and believed, I wanted them to be true, not just in my understanding, but in real life. My heart and soul started to thirst, think of things I did not know could be true and possible. I started to desire something I don’t know, I started to dream and desire to heal broken people. I’d close my eyes and imagine it. I started to question what it really means to know the truth, and what it really is, because all I read was not happening in my life and around me. Jesus stole my heart, and eventually my life - I can’t stop thinking of Him. But my desires that are not even my own, are not being fulfilled. I cannot remove them. Everyday I expect God, every day I go to sleep with sadness, that comes from a real thirst of Him, my belief and faith what He can do, yet nothing. Why is He so inactive, my soul asketh. I wanted to stop believe, I stop reading, but my soul is so uncontrollable, refusing to be calmed down, I’ve never gone through it, it’s like a thing that keeps seeking, you say calm down, take a rest, but it keeps seeking. You are tired of this guessing game, strong desires. It’s so overwhelming I’d wish to stop the strong feeling in me, and just forget.

I don’t want my own life. I’m too aware how life is short. I crave to be a living sacrifice, I can’t think otherwise anymore. I want people to really know the Creator, I want Christians not be confused what Jesus’ words mean. I want plain truth, plain Jesus. Oh, how I wish one soul would underhand, where my words come from.

Sounds to me like you might benefit from https://archive.org/details/revisiting-the-pilgrims-progress-230703, readable online. That site was recently undermined and is recovering, but the book, Revisiting The Pilgrim's Progress (Steve H Hakes), is on Amazon.

 

[Tenchi]

The chance you will understand the condition of my heart is low, but my soul is crying and I don’t know how to comfort it.

2 Corinthians 1:2-5
2 Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
4 who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
5 For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.

I read a lot of scriptures. I had to do it in order to keep it in my heart. But after a lot of reading, my heart started to change, to a point that I had to stop reading.

Well, it wasn't the reading that changed your heart, then. Those who feed on the word of God find it excellent, spiritually nourishing, and stabilizing.

Psalm 1:1-3
1 Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
2 but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.
3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.

Jeremiah 15:16
16 Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O LORD, God of hosts.

2 Timothy 3:16-17
16 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,
17 that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.

All the words I ever read and believed, I wanted them to be true, not just in my understanding, but in real life.

Ah. So, the problem is your expectation, not God's word.

My heart and soul started to thirst, think of things I did not know could be true and possible. I started to desire something I don’t know, I started to dream and desire to heal broken people.

You can't heal broken people; not in the way God can heal. Only He is capable of healing the broken in the perfect, lasting, supernatural way that He does.

By the way, have you noticed how much you refer to yourself in this sentence? "My heart," "I did not know," "I started to desire," "I don't know," "I started to dream." Consider this self-focus in the light of the following:

John 3:30
30 He must increase, but I must decrease.”

Matthew 16:24-25
24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
25 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Galatians 2:20
20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

I started to question what it really means to know the truth, and what it really is, because all I read was not happening in my life and around me.

You'll have to be a bit more specific, if I'm to understand what you mean, here.

Jesus stole my heart, and eventually my life - I can’t stop thinking of Him. But my desires that are not even my own, are not being fulfilled. I cannot remove them. Everyday I expect God, every day I go to sleep with sadness, that comes from a real thirst of Him, my belief and faith what He can do, yet nothing.

Your first and third statements above deny each other. When Jesus really steals our hearts, the consequence is always, in part, that we decrease while he increases in one's life. This means that we grow more and more holy, biblical, Spirit-controlled, joyful, faithful and loving because we aren't fixed any more upon ourselves but upon our Savior and our Lord and are becoming ever more like him (Romans 8:29).

2 Corinthians 3:18
18 And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

Galatians 5:22-23
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Psalm 36:7-9
7 How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
8 They feast on the abundance of your house, and you give them drink from the river of your delights.
9 For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light.

John 10:10
10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

When the Spirit of Christ, the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:9; Philippians 1:19), is in control of you and his life is increasingly transforming you, making you more like himself, the fruit of the Spirit forms in you - love, joy, peace, gentleness, goodness, etc. - not unhappiness and disappointment.

Everyday I expect God, every day I go to sleep with sadness, that comes from a real thirst of Him, my belief and faith what He can do, yet nothing. Why is He so inactive, my soul asketh.

Because your eyes are filled with you, not him. When God fills your view - really fills it - you will be entirely satisfied with Him, content just to behold Him and be molded by His Spirit until you are a "vessel sanctified and meet for the Master's use and prepared for every good work" (2 Timothy 2:21). In fact, until you're entirely satisfied just with God, you cannot be useful to Him. This is because it is to Him that He intends you and I should lead others. This is our "great work" as His children. But if we don't really know Him ourselves, if He is not our "great obsession" and the One who fully satisfies us, we cannot properly lead others to Him. This is because we reveal we don't actually know Him ourselves when are filled with frustration, discontentment and despair.

I wanted to stop believe, I stop reading, but my soul is so uncontrollable, refusing to be calmed down, I’ve never gone through it, it’s like a thing that keeps seeking, you say calm down, take a rest, but it keeps seeking. You are tired of this guessing game, strong desires. It’s so overwhelming I’d wish to stop the strong feeling in me, and just forget.

None of this is of God. Jesus makes this quite clear:

Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

It is our old Self who stirs us up, making us "champ at the bit" like an agitated horse, wanting to see God do stuff and make us excited, and impressed, and thrilled. But this is to desire effects rather than Cause; to desire demonstrations of God's power rather than God Himself. Friend, if God, the Maker, Sustainer and Ruler of the universe, cannot satisfy you, if He is not, alone, sufficient to do so, nothing else can satisfy you.

I don’t want my own life. I’m too aware how life is short. I crave to be a living sacrifice, I can’t think otherwise anymore. I want people to really know the Creator, I want Christians not be confused what Jesus’ words mean. I want plain truth, plain Jesus. Oh, how I wish one soul would underhand, where my words come from.

But such distress as you describe just isn't of God. See above. When you are well-settled into God, the result is peace, contentment and joy, not the angsty unhappiness you've described.

 

[WhereisHe?]

2 Corinthians 1:2-5
2 Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
4 who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
5 For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.



Well, it wasn't the reading that changed your heart, then. Those who feed on the word of God find it excellent, spiritually nourishing, and stabilizing.

Psalm 1:1-3
1 Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
2 but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.
3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.

Jeremiah 15:16
16 Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O LORD, God of hosts.

2 Timothy 3:16-17
16 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,
17 that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.



Ah. So, the problem is your expectation, not God's word.



You can't heal broken people; not in the way God can heal. Only He is capable of healing the broken in the perfect, lasting, supernatural way that He does.

By the way, have you noticed how much you refer to yourself in this sentence? "My heart," "I did not know," "I started to desire," "I don't know," "I started to dream." Consider this self-focus in the light of the following:

John 3:30
30 He must increase, but I must decrease.”

Matthew 16:24-25
24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
25 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Galatians 2:20
20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.



You'll have to be a bit more specific, if I'm to understand what you mean, here.



Your first and third statements above deny each other. When Jesus really steals our hearts, the consequence is always, in part, that we decrease while he increases in one's life. This means that we grow more and more holy, biblical, Spirit-controlled, joyful, faithful and loving because we aren't fixed any more upon ourselves but upon our Savior and our Lord and are becoming ever more like him (Romans 8:29).

2 Corinthians 3:18
18 And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

Galatians 5:22-23
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Psalm 36:7-9
7 How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
8 They feast on the abundance of your house, and you give them drink from the river of your delights.
9 For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light.

John 10:10
10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

When the Spirit of Christ, the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:9; Philippians 1:19), is in control of you and his life is increasingly transforming you, making you more like himself, the fruit of the Spirit forms in you - love, joy, peace, gentleness, goodness, etc. - not unhappiness and disappointment.



Because your eyes are filled with you, not him. When God fills your view - really fills it - you will be entirely satisfied with Him, content just to behold Him and be molded by His Spirit until you are a "vessel sanctified and meet for the Master's use and prepared for every good work" (2 Timothy 2:21). In fact, until you're entirely satisfied just with God, you cannot be useful to Him. This is because it is to Him that He intends you and I should lead others. This is our "great work" as His children. But if we don't really know Him ourselves, if He is not our "great obsession" and the One who fully satisfies us, we cannot properly lead others to Him. This is because we reveal we don't actually know Him ourselves when are filled with frustration, discontentment and despair.



None of this is of God. Jesus makes this quite clear:

Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

It is our old Self who stirs us up, making us "champ at the bit" like an agitated horse, wanting to see God do stuff and make us excited, and impressed, and thrilled. But this is to desire effects rather than Cause; to desire demonstrations of God's power rather than God Himself. Friend, if God, the Maker, Sustainer and Ruler of the universe, cannot satisfy you, if He is not, alone, sufficient to do so, nothing else can satisfy you.



But such distress as you describe just isn't of God. See above. When you are well-settled into God, the result is peace, contentment and joy, not the angsty unhappiness you've described.

Thanks for the time writing this reply.

What if you ask God if it’s from Him? Will He answer you? Or will you be inpatient and rather go to the scriptures and say this is what it means and therefore speak for God that it’s not from Him?

Even if it may seem it’s all about me, it’s not. That’s why Im typing here. When I say I desire Jesus, I mean it. I mean it with my life - I don’t want anything of my own, not even my understanding of things. I cut off everything, all my selfish desires and goals and things I wanted. He made me completely holy, increased my love for righteousness, to this I cannot comprehend that, but my life lays in the palm of God. Because of all the sacrifice I’ve done for God out of love, I enjoyed all you mentioned, but now it’s different, I desire God in a different level, not for my sake, but His. I see the scriptures like never before, I see the unity and closeness and Gods activeness, something I don’t see these days. I wish I could remove my desire to heal people, because I cannot have it by my stengeth, but it’s still there. It opened my eyes how Jesus promised we will do even more than Him, and look around you, do you see anything what Jesus did around you from other people. God sees the heart, it’s my only hope, for my heart is pure because of Him, holy everyday. Even when you say it’s not God, maybe it’s ignorance, lack of knowledge what says it, hopefully.

 

[for_his_glory]

Hi WhereisHe? and welcome to CF

Please do not take this the wrong way, but I hear a lot of "I want, I desire". If you are truly Spiritually born again and indwelled with the Holy Spirit, John 3:5-7; Romans 10:9-10, then submit your will to God and walk in His will and the desires He has for you here on earth. After all, we are the servants of God, and there is nothing of our self that we can do as everything is through the Holy Spirit working in us and through us. It's not you that heals anyone, but that of the Holy Spirit's healing power as you lay hands on those who need healing. In order for them to receive their healing they also need to know the Lord and have that personal relationship with Him. Matthew 25:35-37 are the works of the Lord that He wants us to continue in. We can not go above God and the guidance of the Holy Spirit and there is no way that you can out do what God has already planned for you or to go above the works of the Holy Spirit. Many times our desires are not that of what God has for us as far as works that brings glory and honor unto His name. We all have a part in God's ministry here on earth as there is no greater works then another.

I pray you find that happiness in the Lord and the contentment in your heart.

 

[Who Me]

The chance you will understand the condition of my heart is low, but my soul is crying and I don’t know how to comfort

Welcome to the forum.

You want a lot of things and there are plenty of references to you and your needs, problems etc.
But there is no mention of your attendance at church, of how worshipping God with other Christians challenges/encourages you.

You want to help others, if you are not involved with other Christians how are you going to be helped, let alone how will you help others.

Have you sought help, counselling, advice from your pastor?
If not, why not. Surely someone who knows you can give far better advice than a bunch of strangers.

 

[Tenchi]

What if you ask God if it’s from Him? Will He answer you? Or will you be inpatient and rather go to the scriptures and say this is what it means and therefore speak for God that it’s not from Him?

You can know what is of God and what is not by means of God's word. What is the fruit of the Spirit? Is it unhappiness, and despair, and frustration? No, not at all. See Galatians 5:22-23. See 2 Timothy 1:7. See Ephesians 5:9.

Even if it may seem it’s all about me, it’s not. That’s why Im typing here. When I say I desire Jesus, I mean it. I mean it with my life - I don’t want anything of my own, not even my understanding of things.

You may mean it but it doesn't necessarily follow that desiring Jesus as you do will lead you into God's will and way. If you pursue life in Christ in an unbiblical way, you will find yourself moving away from Jesus despite what your desire is. Look at this way: Wishing greatly to drive to New York from Seattle, desiring with all your heart to do so, cannot get you to New York from Seattle if you don't have a map that will direct your journey. And if you've misread the map and are actually headed to Orlando, will the mere strength of your desire to arrive at New York make up for your bad map reading? Obviously not.

He made me completely holy, increased my love for righteousness, to this I cannot comprehend that, but my life lays in the palm of God.

I'm not sure what you mean by what you wrote in the quotation above about being "completely holy." Are you saying that you never sin? If so, you might want to think on the following:

1 John 1:8
8 If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.

I enjoyed all you mentioned, but now it’s different, I desire God in a different level, not for my sake, but His.

Well, whatever the nature of your desire for God, whether or not your desire is for His sake rather than yours, God makes "unblushing promises" to all of us of joy, peace, contentment and fulfillment in our knowing and walking with Himself. Read Psalm 16:11, Psalm 36:7-9, Philippians 3:7-14, etc.

If, in fact, you do wholly desire God, then, you will "die daily" to yourself, to your expectations, desires, plans and will and live in constant submission to the control of the Holy Spirit (Romans 6:13-22; Romans 8:14: Romans 12:1; James 4:7; 1 Peter 5:6) . As you do, the "fruit" of who he is will fill your life and the sort of unhappy frustration you described in your OP of this thread will not, then, occur.

I wish I could remove my desire to heal people, because I cannot have it by my stengeth, but it’s still there.

There's nothing wrong with desiring that the sick are made well. But when that desire prompts frustration and unhappiness in you, it's certain that your desire is not being ordered by God. Remember, God doesn't need any of us to heal whom He wants to heal. No sick person whom God intends should be well will remain sick whether there's some Christian around to "heal" them or not. So relax, then, and be content that God's will is done whether you're involved or not.

It opened my eyes how Jesus promised we will do even more than Him,

Be careful how you understand his remark. Jesus is God in the flesh; he is the Creator of Everything; he is utterly perfect; he died in Atonement for the sin of all mankind; he sits at God's right hand in heaven as our Advocate. Can any human boast of exceeding - let alone even coming close to - these things that are true of Jesus? Absolutely not. So, then, how ought you to understand his words to his disciples in John 14:12-14?

Even when you say it’s not God, maybe it’s ignorance, lack of knowledge what says it, hopefully.

What does God's word say mark the Christian in whom His Spirit dwells and over whom the Spirit has control? See above.

 

[LOOKING]

After reading your message, it seems you may be eagerly seeking some spiritual achievement or tangible evidence. However, this isn’t how things unfold.

Right now, you’re receiving exactly what you need for your personal growth—not necessarily what you wish for, but what is essential for your development. We must always be willing to set aside our immediate desires to embrace our true responsibilities, which often requires sacrifice. Yet, at the end of this journey, you’ll uncover a completely new perspective. You’ll come to understand that the guiding hand behind our life events has a far greater vision than we do, and we must remain open to its lessons. No personal plan or expectation can match the depth of its wisdom.

In summary, be patient.