Life is growing so empty..

[xhayatox]

My life just continues to grow increasingly empty and void of any possible joy. I cannot seem to find any happiness in my life. I have spent the last several months applying agressively for a job. I did get hired a few weeks ago, but was unable to complete the training process and that led to my unfortunate termination. It's a long story. But anyway, my social life is a mess. My two best friends seem to want nothing to do with me. Whenever I try and make plans with them, they simply refuse to talk to me or tell me they aren't in the mood. As you can see, aside from the internet I have nobody to rely on. I feel like God has forsaken me, and left me stranded and alone. I spend the majority of my time at home. Aside from the internet, I do basically nothing. I have a few hobby's like Photography but that alone will not sustain me. I don't know why everybody around me seems like they have their lives in order. I can say with full honestly that God put me in this world without a purpose. My family believes I am nothing but a screw-up, and to be honest I couldn't agree more. What is the point of my existence? I feel like I am just a burden. I wish I could experience some joy in my life. Everything feels so useless to me. Nothing has any meaning. I wish God could open doors for me and allow me to have opportunity's.

I feel like I will never escape this solitary life. I am afraid that things will never get better. How long will I suffer this pitiful existence? Why do I continue to breathe, o Lord? Why do you continue to sustain somebody as pitiful as me? What good am I to this world, Dear Father? Clearly I cannot do anything right in my life. I can't believe that it is already November and I am still unemployed. I honestly thought I would be working a full-time job by now. I'd be bringing home a steady paycheck for my family, and showing my Mom I have potential and make her proud. I cannot do anything right. I feel like I should just end my life here and there. What is the point in carrying on? Maybe it is time for me to depart..

I have

-No Job
-No Money
-No Girlfriend
-No Social life
-No chance for a brighter future..

I have cried out to God for so long. This entire year has blazed by and I have nothing to show for it. I am afraid nobody can help me at this point. I try to read psalms from the Bible in times of distress like this, but what good will they do? The Lord still continues to stay silent and yet everybody around me continues to be happy. What is the reason for anything anymore? I have no strength left in me. I haven't seen joy in my life for a long time. Ever since my last relationship fell apart. It has been nothing but struggle. People tell me that God is here for me, yet I cannot sense his presence. I do not feel loved by anybody. I feel like the world has given up on me. Nobody cares about me. My two and only friends never even bothered to wish me a Happy Birthday. Nobody cares at all. God has closed the door and I am so lonely. I don't know what to do anymore..

 

[WIP]

Back in February, 1982, I turned 23, my salary was equivalent to about $60K in today’s dollars, I got married, my new wife was expecting our first child, and two months later in April we closed on our first home mortgage. We were living the American dream, high on life. The following month in May, I was informed by my employer that due to economic conditions 1/3 of us, including me, would be laid off on May 30 indefinitely. The iron range of northern MN was just starting to suffer serious economic troubles as unemployment eventually grew to over 20% so after 26 weeks I still had not found a job. Fortunately, the federal government voted to finance extensions for unemployment insurance and I was able to live on unemployment insurance for nearly a year. I finally found employment with a former employer in the logging business. It was very hard work with low pay but it paid the bills and kept us fed. We were not using the welfare system throughout this time except for the home heating fuel assistance program. We were too proud for that.

We survived on the logging job for a couple years and then my wife started a home-based business selling knit sweaters. Her business grew so much that in two years I quit my logging job and began working full-time with her. Gross sales were doubling each year and in 1986 we grossed nearly $100K in sales. Life was really looking up.

Then it happened. My wife comes to me one day out of the blue and tells me she thinks we need to separate. I about dropped my drawers. We separated for four months and during that time our business fell apart, I became aware of at least four different men she had relations with, I went into severe depression, and attempted suicide. When she came to me after four months and said she’d like to try repairing our marriage I said yes. I then learned she was pregnant from one of the guys and I am embarrassed to admit it but I told her that I could never love that child as it would be a constant reminder of what she did. It was just one more nail in my coffin and I almost lost control again. As a result, she chose to have an abortion.

Needless to say, our marriage was never the same. The next three years our income tax statements showed gross incomes less than $300.00 each year. We were forced to swallow our pride and accept help from the welfare system in order to survive. During that time we decided that maybe we should consider selling our house so we contacted a real estate broker. They told us that they could list the property for about $20K and hope to get $18K. We still owed $27K on our mortgage! Selling the house was not an option. Eventually, our marriage totally collapsed. I can remember how our situation was so bad that a neighbor would ask me to go fishing with him and I was embarrassed as I couldn’t afford to spare a dollar to help pay for bait.

This was a period in my life that I am not proud to share but I’m sharing it with you to let you know there are others that struggle too. One thing you have going for you in your situation is that you still have God in your life. I was not a believer during this time in my life and I didn’t know I could turn to Him and I suffered some very bleak moments.

Reading your story my thoughts immediately turned to Job from the Old Testament. Here was a man who was comfortable in his life. He had money, possessions, family, and he trusted in God. But then everything was taken away. His family died, his possessions lost, his health deteriorated, and he was near death. Like you he struggled and got angry with God but one thing he did not do was forsake God. He held on to his faith no matter how tough things got and eventually God rewarded him for his faith. We don’t always know why things happen the way they do but we can know one thing. No matter what life throws at us, it can never steal us from the love of God. Be strong. Put your trust in Jesus and look to Him for your strength. Take heart and remember He is there right beside you no matter what. He will not leave you. Focus on Him and not on your troubles.

“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, “What shall we eat?†or “What shall we drink? or “What shall we wear?†For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.†( Matthew 6:25-34 NKJV)<O:p</O:p

 

[Acebopata]

I have a lot in common with the original poster. I however never give up hope for a better future. I'm certain it's because the lord has sustaind me when I was weak, even though the pain of loneliness remains.

The only advice I can give is to believe in the Lord, and to never give up, no mater how painful it is. It will make you stronger in the end.

 

[xhayatox]

Thank you for sharing your wonderful input guys...Life just seems so unpredictable at this point. I am lost in an endless abyss of misery and despair. I suffer from an anxiety condition which in essence, detaches your mind from your body so I basically feel like I am on auto-pilot all the time. I feel like I am a hollow human being, with no mind. This disorder has consumed my every being. I have suffered immensely because of it. I have a few friends who have it as well, and we cannot continue our lives due to how overwhelming it is. It's hard to describe to people who don't have it but I hope you understand.. My life hasn't been the same since I acquired it two years ago.. Honestly my life has not been right for a very long time. I have never felt so mentally distraught like this before. Teenagers my age don't typically have problems like these. Also.. Yesterday my friend came over, and we hung out for a few hours. While he was there, it was very joyful for me because I have company very rarely because nobody ever wants to make plans with me. Me and him used to be very close but we suddenly drifted and no longer stay in touch as much anymore. I don't know what happened. Like I said, my life hasn't been the same for a while. I don't know what the purpose of my existence is anymore. I seem so distraught and cannot find a place in this world. I cannot seem to do anything right. I am constantly alone and I hate this feeling. Whenever I am alone, I start getting very depressed, although I am used to being lonely, it still hurts like hell. In the bible, God wrote that "Man should not be alone." Well, why do you continue to leave me in the dark then Lord? I am overwhelmed by so much. This isn't a normal life at all. I wish he would just take the pain away, and heal my afflictions but he just won't. He just wants me to suffer.. I feel like I am never going to heal guys. There is so much internally wrong with me. I am so screwed up you don't have any idea. How I have endured this mental anguish so long, I do not know. But it is certainly hard and I am slowly fading away I feel. Nothing is left for me in life..

 

[Webers_Home]

.

Yesterday my friend came over, and we hung out for a few hours. While he was there, it was very joyful for me because I have company very rarely because nobody ever wants to make plans with me. Me and him used to be very close but we suddenly drifted and no longer stay in touch as much anymore. I don't know what happened.

Negativity tends to turn people off.

I am constantly alone

Quite a few churches nowadays have singles groups. Even if you're not much of a mixer, it feels pretty good to be with people on a regular basis.

ps : if you want to meet girls, you have to go where the girls are; I mean: who goes fishing for rainbow trout on bare ground?

Cliff
/

 

[Timf]

But it is certainly hard and I am slowly fading away I feel. Nothing is left for me in life..

I do not know if you have experimented with various nutritional supplements, but sometimes they can work miracles for anxiety and nervous disorders.

Inositol
S-adenosylmethionine
St. John's wort
B12

You have to do research on each because some (like S-adenosylmethionine) can require the use of other supplements (like other B vitamins) to avoid side effects. Inositol is fairly safe and if you are inclined to experiment, you may want to start with that.

Another thing to consider is that God may have led you to a point of difficulty for you to chose if you will put more faith in Him, or turn into yourself in bitterness.

There are people who turn progressively more and more into themselves, their feelings, and their desires. Other people are not inclined to spend much time with those who are so occupied with themselves. You might want to be careful not to chose a path that ends up only making things worse.

 

[for_his_glory]

Teenage years should be the best years of our life, but you have allowed your afflictions to control your life instead of you controlling your afflictions. I have arthritis that gets so bad at times I can barely walk and this has caused me to be on disability and not able to work anymore. I do stay at home more than I use to and it can be depressing at times, but instead of allowing myself to fall into deep depressions when I feel them coming on I take a reality check on my own life and dwell on the good things that God has blessed me with.

What I get from SSD and what my husband makes at his job barely keeps us above our heads, but by the grace of God we make it day by day. You said you like photography so why not take this hobby and extend it into a living. As young as you are you could even further this into graphics and who knows the extent of what you could do with it. Do some research into different fields of photography. it only takes planting a seed for a tree to grow, but the first step is quit feeling sorry for yourself as this is only Satan playing with your mind. You have the love of Christ in you and he will open doors of opportunity for you, but it's up to you to walk through those doors with your head held high. I'll be keeping you in prayer and hoping for a good report back from you.

 

[Navigator]

One thing I've noticed about God is He tends to use the most "pitiful" and "unworthy" disciples for the greatest acts and rewards them accordingly. Just keep the faith buddy. As someone else noted earlier, this could be a test. It may seem cruel and unfair to you, but all God wants from you is your love, and what better time to judge whether one truly loves you, than when things aren't going their way. It's easy to love somebody when all is well and good; it's during times of distress that God looks how you react.

 

[D4Christ]

xhayatox,

I can relate to many of the things you expressed in your post. I know it was not easy to type. You are not alone...I have seen this type of anguish expressed on many Christian boards.

Just recently I was led to read the book of Job. May I suggest that you do the same, perhaps in something other than the KJV version...maybe NLT, so you can really get the gist of what Job went thru (no offense to KJV lovers). Take your time with it...let the lessons soak in.

I have begun realized that no matter how bad I think things are right now, that it is a sin and a huge mistake to blame God for our troubles. Perhaps you need to step back, and re-evaluate your situation and any past actions that could be contributing to the state you are in. If God does not make things better...no social life, friends, cash flow...but saves your soul from the fires of hell...then you are better off at home, freindless, and penniless.

Perhaps, you should change the tone and the way you speak to the God. How can the pot accuse the potter? What right do we really have to complain? Do we think God is unfair? What?, He didn't give you what you deserve? Are you accusing God of getting it wrong? Humility, I think will put you on the path to healing.

Since I am just journeying on this path myself, I say this, not because I know it works, but because I believe my Father loves me and I believe every word written in His Book.

Hold on...hell is worse.
Dee

 

[xhayatox]

I came to the sudden realization today that many things that I have attempted to do in the past, like certain hobbys, I never entirely followed through with them. I realize now that I am pretty much a quitter, or maybe not a quitter but I lose interest fairly quickly. For example..

I was greatly interested in Acting earlier this year, and I was very set on learning it but after a month or research, I gave up and decided against it because it seemed like an impossible industry to break into. Then, I started learning Audio Engineering earlier this year and I regularly practiced it and was genuinely good at it. But I decided to quit because It just felt too complex and tedious to do. Then I've been involved with Graphic Design for the past few years and I do it on and off but I just don't have any motivation to do it anymore. It's just pretty much boring. Then I also started Photography a few months ago as well, and I've lost interest in it too. I don't know whats wrong with me. I have potential in all of these different fields and interests, yet I can't seem to stick with them. I seem to lose interest or give up too easily. I don't know what it could be. I just can't seem to find a damn purpose in life anymore. No matter what I do, I can't seem to make myself proud. I can't seem to make anybody happy. I know that I'm a capable person and I fully acknowledge this, but my problem is that I don't invest enough of myself into what I strive to do in life. I just don't know what I want. I have been wandering aimlessly for a while now and I just can't seem to get it together.

Believe me. I don't want to spend my youthful years confined to my bedroom doing meaningless things, but what other damn options do I have? I barely have any friends. I barely know how to live life. I want my life to become more fulfilling but it just doesn't seem to be working out. What do I live for? What is the purpose of my existence if I can't do anything substantial with my life? I just need answers desperately.. I need God to lead my life in the right direction because apparently I can't do anything right by myself. I need CHANGE desperately. I need a new life. I need things to completely change. I want to be able to wake up and know I have purpose and feel like I can do something with my life. After all, I am a son of God for a reason... I must have some sort of blessed purpose from him. I know I have meaning, but I just can't find it. I know I'm capable, but how do I unlock this potential? How can I fulfill this void in my heart?

 

[Aardverk]

I just don't know what I want. I have been wandering aimlessly for a while now and I just can't seem to get it together.

I know I have meaning, but I just can't find it. I know I'm capable, but how do I unlock this potential? How can I fulfill this void in my heart?

Be honest now. as a normal teenage boy the thing you most want to do is breed, your hormones are raging. Well, not actually breed, you know that would be silly, but maybe just get some practice. But you can't because you are clearly not ready.

The last thing you should be doing is sitting (or worse) alone in your bedroom. Get out! If you can think of any joint activities then do them but my suggestion is to have you own mini version of 40 days and nights in the wilderness. Travel as light as you can and go off into the country with little more than a blanket, water, minimal food and appropriate clothing. Experience solitude without the distraction of people, traffic and especially without any IT. If you take a phone, leave it off. Enjoy the smell, the splendor and maybe the terror of nature and make sure you have that camera in your hand for the hour before and after dark when everything looks at its best!. You never know, it may restore your interest in photography.

As for girls, who do you think is the best person to advise you? Well, obviously it is a girl, isn't it! It will doubtless be scary for you but if you openly ask a girl for advice and confidently explain that you just don't know what to do to attract girls, there is a very good chance that she will empathize with you and give you all sorts of genuinely useful ideas. She will tell you what, if anything, you are doing wrong. You may worry that she told other people but so what? What difference does that make? Just maybe there is a girl out there who already fancies you and that would give her the impetus to say hello - but don't rely on that. Best of all, ask an intelligent girl 2 or 3 years older than you so you both know that you stand no chance with her.

Everybody, girls included, are more attracted to people who do things other than sit in their bedrooms. Hard though it may be, put the ideal of requited love and lust in second place for the time being and do something interesting. Instead of 40 days, just try 40 hours. Leave home Friday afternoon and come back Sunday. You will be a different man.

 

[meabigbaldguy]

I've been in a similar situation in my lifetime. I would like to write frankly here. Please don't take in a negative light, but in a constructive one. I'm only basing my take on what I've read from you so far.

When you cry to God for help, are you beckoning him to help you on your terms? Or are you genuinely seeking his terms? Brother, you're valuing your life against the worth of a job, relationship, socialization, and how YOU view your own future. God doesn't suffer those terms. He certainly doesn't reduce himself to being just a "presence" in your life. What He wants is to be present, but you have to let him.

I know from personal experience that when I place my life's priorities over God's, He's not going to give me the answer I'm looking for. I know that He will tell me in no uncertain way to hush up and pay attention to what He's trying to tell me. He's trying to tell you something, brother, this much I know. What it is, well, you have to give him the chance to tell you. I dare say that what you really don't have is NO PATIENCE.

Stop being so hard on yourself. Stop judging your life based upon the other people around your life. I can assure you that all you see from them is an exterior, and that their lives are probably not as hunk-dory as they appear to you. They have their problems too, maybe even worse than your own.

The bottom line is that you need to go back to basics with God. If He's choosing to remove all the "important" things in your life, then you have to accept that and trust Him. What that means is that He's bringing you something of even greater importance. So let Him show you. Stop asking Him "Why?" and start saying "Yes!". You are a child of God. If you've never had a true relationship with God, then this is your wakeup call. Life treats us differently than our non-believer counterparts.

Don't be a desperate fool. Desperation is a choice.

How will you choose to be? God bless you brother. I hope that you will allow yourself to gain understanding. I recommend the Proverbs 3. In my opinion, it lays the ground work for true fellowship and life.

 

[Job38]

One thing I've noticed about God is He tends to use the most "pitiful" and "unworthy" disciples for the greatest acts and rewards them accordingly. Just keep the faith.

:yes

 

[xhayatox]

I've been in a similar situation in my lifetime. I would like to write frankly here. Please don't take in a negative light, but in a constructive one. I'm only basing my take on what I've read from you so far.

When you cry to God for help, are you beckoning him to help you on your terms? Or are you genuinely seeking his terms? Brother, you're valuing your life against the worth of a job, relationship, socialization, and how YOU view your own future. God doesn't suffer those terms. He certainly doesn't reduce himself to being just a "presence" in your life. What He wants is to be present, but you have to let him.

I know from personal experience that when I place my life's priorities over God's, He's not going to give me the answer I'm looking for. I know that He will tell me in no uncertain way to hush up and pay attention to what He's trying to tell me. He's trying to tell you something, brother, this much I know. What it is, well, you have to give him the chance to tell you. I dare say that what you really don't have is NO PATIENCE.

Stop being so hard on yourself. Stop judging your life based upon the other people around your life. I can assure you that all you see from them is an exterior, and that their lives are probably not as hunk-dory as they appear to you. They have their problems too, maybe even worse than your own.

The bottom line is that you need to go back to basics with God. If He's choosing to remove all the "important" things in your life, then you have to accept that and trust Him. What that means is that He's bringing you something of even greater importance. So let Him show you. Stop asking Him "Why?" and start saying "Yes!". You are a child of God. If you've never had a true relationship with God, then this is your wakeup call. Life treats us differently than our non-believer counterparts.

Don't be a desperate fool. Desperation is a choice.

How will you choose to be? God bless you brother. I hope that you will allow yourself to gain understanding. I recommend the Proverbs 3. In my opinion, it lays the ground work for true fellowship and life.

When I pray to him, I am genuinely asking for his help. I don't ask for any selfish materialistic items or anything. I pray for him to help guide me towards a better path. God gave me life, and I intend to live it to the fullest but I'm just in a bad position right now. I'm just so lost and feeling very alone in my own little world that I can't seem to figure out what to do anymore. I just feel like I have so much potential but I just can't seem to find out what to do with it. I just need to figure out what to do with my life right now. I guess I should hit the job trail again. That's probably my best bet. I don't honestly know what else to do. I'm just wasting my life away doing trivial nonsense and I need to escape this. I'd like to actually contribute to something in this world and be a capable person and be engaged in daily activity's and be surrounded by people and be able to socialize, and explore the world and experience new things. But I simply cannot do that if I remain at home all the time like I do. That's what I know for sure. It's just so hard to have patience when life is so SHORT! People just don't understand how quickly time flys. That's why it's hard to remain patient and wait. I'm tired of waiting. I just need to be actively doing something in my life right now other than sitting at home. That's what I know for sure. I can't keep wasting away doing crap like this. Spending all this time at home when I could be out there doing something significant I bet. I just need to find my way and I ask God to help lead me there..

 

[Ace1234]

Sounds like you're going through many of the normal processes for your age. You state many things you have done, although you gave them up, while doing all those things you were busy. However, often younger people become and feel trapped going through these processes and go through stages or periods of "giving up".

Most go through several jobs, hobbies, friends, girlfriends, etc...during this growing stage of life, but with each stage and as you move into your 20's things should or become more clear. These hard processes that come and go teach us how to seek that which we want. What you're feeling now is your brain telling you to keep seeking for what you want. Trust me, you think everyone arounds you seems to have in emotionally together, most deal with the same emotional issues as you at that age.

It is a mistake to think you can just sit around and God will fix it all. It seems that God works through people interacting with other people or acting themselves. A slave during the 1800's once said.." I prayed and prayed for years for God to make me free while I worked for my master, fianally I decided to use my own two feet and walk to freedom"

You know you shouldn't be just sitting and wasting your life, good, start taking steps to change it. If you don't make changes, eventually you'll be just wasting your life and not even care about it.....and the world will discard you.

Life isn't fair, the world abounds in suffering that is beyond understanding, fate can come out of nowhere and deal cruel blows. Why life may seem hard for you, learn to count your blessings. Many people everyday have their lives rearranged by uncurable illnesses, lose family, jobs, homes....everything. They are forced to accept and cope often with no change in their condition. I myself was stricken with a severe nerve disease several years ago, as it progressed, it cost me my job, my home, my family had to go live with relatives to survive. I have no cure, no insurance I can afford and live and will live in severe pain the rest of my life. . Next month I will be tossed out of my foreclosed home alone and face homelessness, so I'm trying to find a place to live...I find it hard to believe just some years ago it seemed I had a perfect home and family, but I know even in my condition if I want to live I must act, even if in baby steps. For me each day is how do I survive this day, how will I eat tomorrow. I once owned a good business, now I live off what I sell on Ebay. However, I know this, for millions it is much worse, but an ugly truth about this world that many learn is..it will discard you if you don't learn to function in it regardless of your condition....

Start learning to function by any means, join a good church, redirect your goals. Learn from your past, what experiences or people in your past make you feel worthless. Family shouldn't make you feel like a screw up, maybe there is some past family dysfunction you need to deal with, even if they don't.

See, you already know what we tell you, what you don't seem to get is all these hobbies, friends, girls, etc, that come and go are each playing a role in your life. Sure, even as a teen hearbreak can seem unbearable, but it's preparing you to be able to deal with real love and life, although you feel weak, these experiences are toughening you up for life to come, to develop you and make you ready for manhood.

I think you are pretty much normal, except some depression or dysfunction that causes you to beat yourself up and low self esteem so the normal issues of life seem unbearable right now.. You're overburdening yourself emotionally for where you are, start taking baby steps, Rome wasn't built in a day, nor will you make everything you want happen overnight. Most of the crap floating around your brain will always be there, accept it, don't think you can resolve every emotion or conflict at once, we bite off what we can chew each day. In fact, improving and fighting life seems to never end regardless of age, it's our coping skills that substain us.

Breath, accept what you feel is normal, it is for the most part you know. Get out and start taking action. Humans are failed and dysfunctional imperfect beings, but learn to function in the world failed as we are. Life is often one vile task after the other, but we do it, seeking moments of happiness and fulfillment.

 

[for_his_glory]

Acting, Audio Engineering, Graphic Design and Photography were all desires of your heart and great talents that God has given you at one time until something inside of you caused you to make excuses for yourself and just give up. I'm guessing you are only 19 years old or at least in your early 20's. These talents at such an early age should be opening a whole world of possibilities for you as you could be building a portfolio of these talents and allow God to open doors for you to walk through. If you combine all four of these talents together you could do anything from designing Hollywood sets to using graphic design to be an illustrator for books and magazines or even becoming an Architect. The possibilities are endless and none of us are promised our very next breath. It's not so much what the future will bring to you, but what you can bring to the future.

God is not going to tell you what to do, but he will certainly open doors for you and it is up to you to walk through them. God will guide your path by allowing you to be the best he has made you to be as you bring glory and honor to His name in all you set your hands to do. You need to step out of that first open door which is your bedroom and proclaim, "I am xhayatox a child of the living God bought with the price of the blood of Christ to be a child of God and I will not be defeated by this world or Satan as I am more than a conqueror and the gates of hell will not stand in my way." I would actually yell this out as you walk out of that bedroom and claim your right to have joy and a sense of purpose in this life here on earth. Sometimes all we need is to shout at the devil and take that which is promised of God for you to have peace of mind, heart and soul. Go on, get off the computer and start yelling because God is waiting to bless you. GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

 

[xhayatox]

Acting, Audio Engineering, Graphic Design and Photography were all desires of your heart and great talents that God has given you at one time until something inside of you caused you to make excuses for yourself and just give up. I'm guessing you are only 19 years old or at least in your early 20's. These talents at such an early age should be opening a whole world of possibilities for you as you could be building a portfolio of these talents and allow God to open doors for you to walk through. If you combine all four of these talents together you could do anything from designing Hollywood sets to using graphic design to be an illustrator for books and magazines or even becoming an Architect. The possibilities are endless and none of us are promised our very next breath. It's not so much what the future will bring to you, but what you can bring to the future.

God is not going to tell you what to do, but he will certainly open doors for you and it is up to you to walk through them. God will guide your path by allowing you to be the best he has made you to be as you bring glory and honor to His name in all you set your hands to do. You need to step out of that first open door which is your bedroom and proclaim, "I am xhayatox a child of the living God bought with the price of the blood of Christ to be a child of God and I will not be defeated by this world or Satan as I am more than a conqueror and the gates of hell will not stand in my way." I would actually yell this out as you walk out of that bedroom and claim your right to have joy and a sense of purpose in this life here on earth. Sometimes all we need is to shout at the devil and take that which is promised of God for you to have peace of mind, heart and soul. Go on, get off the computer and start yelling because God is waiting to bless you. GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

I really thank you for your positive reinforcement, and believe me. I sincerely wish it was as simple as walking out of my door and heading out into the world, but that's the thing.. I've attempted to do that so many times and I've always wound up in the same exact place. I've got very little friends and the ones that I do have are barely available so whenever I want to make plans, I can't. I'm always forced to do something alone. Whether it be go to the movies, or go for a walk, it's always by myself. I have nowhere to go at all. Nowhere in the world to go. I can step outside, and the next thing I'll ask myself is "Where do I go from here'? Because I truly have not a clue what I should be doing with my life. Not one bit. I just want to cry because all of it seems pointless at this point. I wake up every morning asking myself why I'm such a waste of life, and why God made me. Why do I continue living if I'm not even capable of doing anything? Or sticking to anything I do in life? I have the most corrupted existence in the world. I am a genuinely good person in general, I'm just a terribly confused individual with not an ounce of knowledge of what to do with himself. It seems like many people at my age already have a general idea of what they wish to do. They go to college, they major in something, they interact, socialize, have friends. I wish it could be that simple for me but I choose not to enroll in college yet because I know that I have to be absolutely certain it's something I wish to pursue and invest time into, otherwise it'll be a huge waste of time for me and I won't be able to make it there. There is just too much overwhelming confusion in my head right now. Nothing adds up. Sure, maybe there are other teenagers who regularly deal with these type of problems, but I wish it wasn't like this. I just hate it so much. There is an open door awaiting me, but nothing on the other side of it. I'm just a wanderer. I can't seem to establish goals in my life. I don't know what the hell I want. I think I was born without that part of my brain or something. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I feel like this is just going to continue for years. I feel like two years from now, I'm still going to be sitting on my ass at home, unemployed, no friends, no ambition, no nothing. And believe me, I don't choose to live like this. If I knew what to do with myself, I'd just go out there and get it done already no questions asked. But I just don't.. Trust me, It's terribly difficult for me and I don't mean to be a pain but it's just how internally messed up my mind is. Nothing is in perspective. Nothing really adds up and nothing seem to make sense either. The only possible thing I can only try to do with my life right now is just look for a job again. That seems to be the only option. Aside from that... What else is really going for me? Nothing much.. I can't seem to stick with hobby's, I can't seem to develop passion for anything. I think I'm just an empty vessel.

 

[xhayatox]

Sounds like you're going through many of the normal processes for your age. You state many things you have done, although you gave them up, while doing all those things you were busy. However, often younger people become and feel trapped going through these processes and go through stages or periods of "giving up".

Most go through several jobs, hobbies, friends, girlfriends, etc...during this growing stage of life, but with each stage and as you move into your 20's things should or become more clear. These hard processes that come and go teach us how to seek that which we want. What you're feeling now is your brain telling you to keep seeking for what you want. Trust me, you think everyone arounds you seems to have in emotionally together, most deal with the same emotional issues as you at that age.

It is a mistake to think you can just sit around and God will fix it all. It seems that God works through people interacting with other people or acting themselves. A slave during the 1800's once said.." I prayed and prayed for years for God to make me free while I worked for my master, fianally I decided to use my own two feet and walk to freedom"

You know you shouldn't be just sitting and wasting your life, good, start taking steps to change it. If you don't make changes, eventually you'll be just wasting your life and not even care about it.....and the world will discard you.

Life isn't fair, the world abounds in suffering that is beyond understanding, fate can come out of nowhere and deal cruel blows. Why life may seem hard for you, learn to count your blessings. Many people everyday have their lives rearranged by uncurable illnesses, lose family, jobs, homes....everything. They are forced to accept and cope often with no change in their condition. I myself was stricken with a severe nerve disease several years ago, as it progressed, it cost me my job, my home, my family had to go live with relatives to survive. I have no cure, no insurance I can afford and live and will live in severe pain the rest of my life. . Next month I will be tossed out of my foreclosed home alone and face homelessness, so I'm trying to find a place to live...I find it hard to believe just some years ago it seemed I had a perfect home and family, but I know even in my condition if I want to live I must act, even if in baby steps. For me each day is how do I survive this day, how will I eat tomorrow. I once owned a good business, now I live off what I sell on Ebay. However, I know this, for millions it is much worse, but an ugly truth about this world that many learn is..it will discard you if you don't learn to function in it regardless of your condition....

Start learning to function by any means, join a good church, redirect your goals. Learn from your past, what experiences or people in your past make you feel worthless. Family shouldn't make you feel like a screw up, maybe there is some past family dysfunction you need to deal with, even if they don't.

See, you already know what we tell you, what you don't seem to get is all these hobbies, friends, girls, etc, that come and go are each playing a role in your life. Sure, even as a teen hearbreak can seem unbearable, but it's preparing you to be able to deal with real love and life, although you feel weak, these experiences are toughening you up for life to come, to develop you and make you ready for manhood.

I think you are pretty much normal, except some depression or dysfunction that causes you to beat yourself up and low self esteem so the normal issues of life seem unbearable right now.. You're overburdening yourself emotionally for where you are, start taking baby steps, Rome wasn't built in a day, nor will you make everything you want happen overnight. Most of the crap floating around your brain will always be there, accept it, don't think you can resolve every emotion or conflict at once, we bite off what we can chew each day. In fact, improving and fighting life seems to never end regardless of age, it's our coping skills that substain us.

Breath, accept what you feel is normal, it is for the most part you know. Get out and start taking action. Humans are failed and dysfunctional imperfect beings, but learn to function in the world failed as we are. Life is often one vile task after the other, but we do it, seeking moments of happiness and fulfillment.

Thank you so much for your advice.. I have read your previous threads and I was deeply touched and I sincerely commemorate you for your incredible strength for enduring your trials for I doubt I would ever be half as strong as you are, so I tip my hat to you good sir. You are a great example of the works of God in peoples lives.. But you are right. The world isn't a very nice place and Its not very welcoming to everybody so we as individuals have to make the best with what we've got... It's just difficult.. Not feeling like you have any options. I wish God would give me some sort of sign, or something so he can lead me in the right direction. It just hurts me so much that everybody around me seems to have their life together. No matter what I seem to do.. I still end up at Square one. I want to escape this life of solitude and anguish and just find hope in my life. I know that I honestly have a good life to be honest. I don't have as much responsibilities as most people and maybe God sees that I'm not ready for all that.. So maybe until I confront these problems and gather my strength, thats when opportunity's might start coming.. It's just so complicated. Life you know? Never makes any sense. I wonder if I'll ever amount to anything in this world. I just really need to take a step back and look at my life and figure out everything that I can possibly excel in or do and go forward from there.. Sigh, people tell me all the time...

"Life is as sweet as you make it." But if only I knew what I desired from life. If only I knew what I wanted to pursue and attain. That is what sets me apart from most people.. They know what they want and go for it, I can't do that sadly.. I don't know why. I need to get myself together thats for sure.. I do believe over the course of this year, I've grown quite a lot so that's good.. I only hope that I'll be able to figure things out before life is gone.

 

[for_his_glory]

I don't know why I can not leave this thread alone. I guess it's the counselor that is in me. I think you are just psychoanalyzing everything to much and just need to take a step back from all that thinking and get your mind clear. Someone mentioned earlier in this thread that maybe you need to get away for awhile and that might do you some good. I know you spend a lot of time by yourself already, but sometimes a change of scenery can unclog the mind and give you a new perspective. Like I said earlier, God is not going to tell you what to do, but will open that door when you are ready.

Here is something I would like you to do. First of all you have to clear your mind and then finish this sentence with the first thing that pops into your mind. "I really enjoy........"

You are young and you will figure it all out in time. Just be happy with yourself and who you are in the Lord and don't worry about making your mark in this life, but enjoy life instead.

 

[Ace1234]

It almost seems like you have so much bottled energy and wishful plans that you aren't able to concentrate and complete one of them. Why many parts of our lives concern us, sometimes it's best to concentrate on one.

All the issues you have revolve from some deeper issue you need to figure out. Most outward issues stem from a deeper, often unknown inner conflict. Like a drug addict, the drugs aren't really the issue, just an escape from the issues.

One thing I've learned in my 48 years is progress often comes with baby steps, pick one or two things and put the rest on the back burner and don't mentally beat yourself up.