Christ_empowered
Member
- Oct 23, 2010
- 14,242
- 10,722
OK. Its dawned on me that life isn't all fun and games and I'm...blessed beyond measure. I know I basically blog here (sorry) and I complain a lot (again, sorry), but...my brain more or less turned to mush at 19, and I'd started out crazy childish+childlike. I'm 32, and I've just now been blessed with "recovery" (that's the mental health word...I don't have a better one, lol), which is huge, and...
...well, I find that life involves a lot of prosaic, hum drum things you do because you have to. Jump through hoops. I find that the world, unredeemed humanity is...fairly terrible. I was, that's for sure.
I also find that there's hope for me and my family. My dad and I are have the house to ourselves for the next week+, while mama's overseas. I know, I'm 32. Anyway, we're getting along well...that's huge. I'm becoming less weirdly girly sensitive to everything. That's good, too. I think...I think you live in sickness (physical+mental) and paranoia and pain long enough...it takes a miracle to get back to anything resembling normal functioning.
I find that now that I"m healthy and normal and (gasp!) smart enough for my goals, people talk about how sick and "Schizophrenic" I am. OK. I also see now that when I was effeminate and actively homogay, people could handle me...I was playing by the rules of those on the broad road. So, I got saved, I'm celibate, I'm increasingly more masculine, more...well, normal...and now men (in particular...) will say "you can tell he's queer just by looking at him!"
On the plus side...for a while there, I was ugly. At times, I suspect, hideous. Now, I hear I'm "too pretty" in the face. I mean, yeah, there was a while...hormonal imabalnce, malnutrition, lots of stuff combined...I looked pretty in an androgynous, obviously gay sort of way. Not good. But now, I'm healthy and normal and all. I just have lots of hair, high cheek bones (for some reason...?), and good skin. I guess around here that= "too pretty," especially if you were the ugly (queer) duckling before. Oh well.
I attacked my dad 8 years ago, and he seems to have forgiven me, despite everything I did, everything I was, before Jesus saved me. That's huge. I wonder...OK, it took a miracle for me to get saved. Maybe its always a miracle when somebody gets genuinely saved? Not just me?
My dad just made tacos. In record time, no less. ((I know, you all really --need-- to know what I'm having for dinner)). He's a good man. My mama's a good woman. I was...wretched. Unrepentant. Confused. And now...
...well, I find that I'm normal and I have a lot of good in me and in my life.
God is good!
Please do keep my mother up in prayer...she loves the place she's at right now, but...its far away, she'll be there for another week or so, and the plane ride back is lengthy...a stop in Puerto Rico, then a layover somewhere in the US, then back to the main airport, then a long drive back home...you get where I"m going with this. Thanks ((in advance)) for your prayers, and for praising The Lord with me so often, too.
...well, I find that life involves a lot of prosaic, hum drum things you do because you have to. Jump through hoops. I find that the world, unredeemed humanity is...fairly terrible. I was, that's for sure.
I also find that there's hope for me and my family. My dad and I are have the house to ourselves for the next week+, while mama's overseas. I know, I'm 32. Anyway, we're getting along well...that's huge. I'm becoming less weirdly girly sensitive to everything. That's good, too. I think...I think you live in sickness (physical+mental) and paranoia and pain long enough...it takes a miracle to get back to anything resembling normal functioning.
I find that now that I"m healthy and normal and (gasp!) smart enough for my goals, people talk about how sick and "Schizophrenic" I am. OK. I also see now that when I was effeminate and actively homogay, people could handle me...I was playing by the rules of those on the broad road. So, I got saved, I'm celibate, I'm increasingly more masculine, more...well, normal...and now men (in particular...) will say "you can tell he's queer just by looking at him!"
On the plus side...for a while there, I was ugly. At times, I suspect, hideous. Now, I hear I'm "too pretty" in the face. I mean, yeah, there was a while...hormonal imabalnce, malnutrition, lots of stuff combined...I looked pretty in an androgynous, obviously gay sort of way. Not good. But now, I'm healthy and normal and all. I just have lots of hair, high cheek bones (for some reason...?), and good skin. I guess around here that= "too pretty," especially if you were the ugly (queer) duckling before. Oh well.
I attacked my dad 8 years ago, and he seems to have forgiven me, despite everything I did, everything I was, before Jesus saved me. That's huge. I wonder...OK, it took a miracle for me to get saved. Maybe its always a miracle when somebody gets genuinely saved? Not just me?
My dad just made tacos. In record time, no less. ((I know, you all really --need-- to know what I'm having for dinner)). He's a good man. My mama's a good woman. I was...wretched. Unrepentant. Confused. And now...
...well, I find that I'm normal and I have a lot of good in me and in my life.
God is good!
Please do keep my mother up in prayer...she loves the place she's at right now, but...its far away, she'll be there for another week or so, and the plane ride back is lengthy...a stop in Puerto Rico, then a layover somewhere in the US, then back to the main airport, then a long drive back home...you get where I"m going with this. Thanks ((in advance)) for your prayers, and for praising The Lord with me so often, too.
