[__ Prayer __] -love- your enemies...

[Christ_empowered]

I'm 38, labeled as "Schizophrenic." this isn't an antipsychiatry rant -but- ...

shrug. a lady in the deep south, lived in poverty her whole life, told me once: some people cannot work. I don't see why its necessary to have a label/diagnosis, when some people...just can't cut it in the working world. and yet...

I am blessed. My parents coming to call my then issues "Schizophrenia" (my take: rough life, lots of personal sins and bad things happened...I needed forgiveness and my family and less never ending condemnation, in order to have any sort of meaningful life) has become a blessing in Christ. They saw a real need, and now...

I dunno. I don't think I was going to be able to work, anyway. apparently people wanted me expelled from undergrad as a teenager? I wasn't -that- terrible, but I was regarded as "riff raff," and faculty, etc. often -find- ways to destroy riff raff. -real world- , etc. moving on...

so, I was awakened at...3, 4 AM. taunts here and there till 6 or so. Loud banging on the front door. lots of heckling, stomping upstairs. its been worse, more intense in times not so long ago...people yelling at the front and back (condo/apt place...decent, safe neighborhood...not deluxe, but nice! I even have a nice view ) about "welfare queen" "he gets azt from the health dept." that kinda junk. thing is...

I tested + for HIV+ over 15 years ago now. never offered standard treatment, never really could pursue it. its crazy, how in the US (because we have insurance and profit driven health care without a national baseline, like the UK and the netherlands do things), health is sort of...another commodity. I was taken off insurance more than once by shrinks (both times are involuntary shock, btw), and...

blah. ok, so its not that I'm "anti-meds," but with no real option...I tried the high dose antioxidant (DIY Duesberg, basically) approach. I doubt the vitamins even sustained my existence, but...maybe The Lord saw fit to answer my attempts to live and eventually -not- be a patched up, sickly and often sick person? -shrug- so, now I'm healthy. at 38 I apparently look younger. I'm...not exactly a social butterfly, so i don't really know what 38 year old dudes look like in terms of facial aging, but I think there's some wear and tear. I don't have wear and tear. I also -had- crows feet (wrinkles at corners of eyes) at 19/20, so...God has seen fit to restore and renew and (thankfully) recreate me, at the outward, physical levels along with the (vital...) spiritual levels.

Honestly? His work in my life makes it far easier to do my devotionals, read some Scripture, pray...and truly believe. Not surface level, not going thru the motions, not that weird church people thing I've seen where one says a verse but then work ways around it (Jesus was poor..."I can't stand people livin' off our tax dollars, having a baby every year..." etc...), and....

yeah. so, the noises. I'm surly and a bit over-caffeinated this morning, but nothing terrible. I went out on my patio, fan going, enjoyed my view and coffee a bit before 7. -good times-


sorry to ramble. I'm not violent and that kind of angry, more like...I get confused. and frustrated. I just...live here, see my parents almost every day, clean, keep the plants going...

and the resentment seems...somewhat intense, at times? at out of proportion to a quiet, decent, modest life? I'm not diving into the "i'm not worthy, but..." and all that, just...

The Lord has seen fit to bless me with objectively Good Things, and I'm trying to be appreciative, genuinely grateful. I think my tendency to react in flesh-ly, worldly ways to taunts and junk (even if its just internal) is probably hindering His work in my life. I don't mean more -stuff- , I mean...I believe and think that we live in a material world, right? Jesus is fully God and fully Man (flesh), so there's -that- element to Christianity, along with soteria, the more holistic view of whole-person salvation...

rambling. I'm not knocking deliverance, because I think I may be living it, its just...I want to be more truly grateful. I want to be less me, more Jesus. I want to be better able to bear up under what comes my way (relatively little, all things considered). And...

I'm standing in the way of His work in my life. lol. I think this may be common, but I don't actually know many Christians, so...there's that.

I have prayed more, recently. I took a long break because I started to wonder if I was praying more to hear myself pray and play at home church than because I really, truly loved God and needed Him. So, now I do love God and i see more of my need, so...there you go.

wow. sorry to ramble. 3 AM! ugh. Thanks.

 

[Corn Pop]

Always praying for you brother.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks

I don't think I'll ever fully grasp the level of -hatred- some people had and have towards me and, it seems, towards my parents, too. ugh.

They both worked white collar jobs with advanced degrees. Problem? for all the niceties and sophistication, blah blah blah...

--cut throat-- would be an under-statement. Thankfully, mama fully retired a while back. Dad's only going 1/2 time, which somehow seems to cut the frustration by about 2/3. -fun with numbers-

my dad's career really took off over 10 years ago. first a big raise, then a big promotion and another raise...at one point, he accepted an award on behalf of a team he headed from a major state politico. good for him, good for the team...

and then, I was chilling in my back bedroom at 3 AM, and some dude with an -intensely- southern accent was yelling out about, that and his salary, and...

ugh. -not rich- , really they seem to be part of the white collar 10-20% in America. i read some stats and articles on it...its a thing, apparently. what I don't get...maybe I'm naive?...

is why their upward mobility and now upper class(ish) (but NOT rich) status is so...offensive to people, and why I'm expected to live in bondage and modern day slavery. recent event: I picked up groceries at a discount place. I have a reusable, insulated bag I like to put my groceries into, so I can make fewer trips up and down stairs once I get to my place. OK. so...

I parked my car way off in a mostly empty part of the massive parking lot, got out, and just put my grocery bags into the reusable, bigger, insulated bag. not a fancy bag, but durable...I think they used to sell them at Sam's? and...

so, as I started to get into my car, I heard some dude's voice : "his dad make xyz/grand year. he thinks he can do whatever he wants..."

And I just drove off...I mean, I didn't even see the dude...but what gives? no arrests in nearly -10 years- , off of probation on a plea deal (from low level felony, plus a lesser charge was dismissed... to serious misdemeanor) for over 5 years, no drugs, not even heavily medicated...

and I'm supposed to...??? all I can come up with is that I've got enemies and some of these enemies seem to have a problem with -me- , but I don't know them and/or haven't dealt with them in a long, long time. so, that's a bit...disconcerting and frustrating, at times even kind of crazy-making.

and I'm -still- dealing with labels from way back, even though 1 reason I got the (to me, miraculous) plea deal (even a serious misdemeanor beats any sort of felony) is because my records (psych) are filled with inaccuracies. for instance: mama worked a high prestige, but not so great pay, white collar job forever. the compensation got better her last 10 years or so, and I'm thankful. and...

so, people will say "he really think (mama's name) is (her old job title) ? he's delusional! he should be committed!," and then...

my parents were able to buy this place about 4 years ago. Blessing! I mean...especially for me, because renting was always precarious, as an outcast. so, now there's "they DO NOT own his place. He has upper class pretensions" and/or "he's delusional" and/or "he's severely narcissistic and delusional," meanwhile...

the information is public and free. seriously. there's an online thing, run by the county...it shows who owns what, where they live, who owned it previously, taxes, all that jazz. -free- -public- and...

i think a lot of it coming from the "helping professions." my long time counselor even asked about mama's education level. she got the final degree shortly before I was born and got into the job she kept for over -30 years- . and...yeah. I get treated like I'm delusional and/or lying, and its not...me, its a crazy-making system and crazy-making community, and...

yeah. sorry to ramble and whine. I mean, compared to most "mental patients," I may as well be on permanent vacation. here semi-locally, a number of group homes were shut down and the owners/operators face criminal charges, it was -that- bad. never been the what's left of the state hospital, but I here its about what one would expect...high dose tranquilizers, punitive treatment, apparently they use shock a lot. ugh. some things never change...

just...frustrated, and the never ending mind games and put downs are extreme. apparently, its part of my "humbling experiences" (no, really...and its never ending...), so...

I dunno. thankfully, I don't have to go into the clinic very often. 6 months till my next med check! 6-8 weeks between counseling appointments! so, that's a blessing.

ok. ugh. sorry to ramble (kind of....how i roll...but still...), its just...ugh. frustrating. thanks