Marriage Advice

[duari91]

Hello everyone, this thread is looking towards the board members who are experienced in the practice of love. My story is somewhat long, so please stay with me.

Let me start this off properly. I am 21 years old, and yes I am married. I have been a christian my entire life, but I haven't actually been one at the same time. What do I mean like this? Well, I lived my life in sin, with a strong knowledge that what I was doing was wrong as well. It wasn't until I turned 19 that I had been filled with the holy spirit, and to turn from my sinful ways. I never drank or took part in drugs. I never condemned people, or made fun of the innocent (bullying). In fact, I was just an ignorant kid who had a good moral compass. My sin was lust. Having sex BEFORE marriage to be specific. Because of what I had done, God changed my life to save me.

At the age of 19, I learned that I was going to be a father. Options were presented to me at the time to walk away from this (as in leave the girl who was having my child), but chose not to simply because I thought it was the wrong thing to do. I didn't know it at the time, but God gave me a child to not only show me the cause of my terrible actions, but to instill a sense of responsibility in myself. I mean, it is because of my child that I have grown so close to God. This is not the problem, however.

I felt obligated to marry this girl simply because of what I had done. I felt that because I was half responsible for the situation, I had to marry her. Keep in mind that we had hardly been together for a year when we got married. We hardly even knew each other. In fact, we are complete opposites. She is an extrovert, I am an introvert. She likes to drink alcohol and party, I don't. She has a rough personality, I am calm and reserved. She is quick to anger, I am quick to patience. While it has passed our second year of marriage, things have not been going well at all.

In this span of two years, she has left me twice. Both times returning. Both times I have forgiven her completely and have done my best to meet her requirements, as this is my obligation as a christian. We don't get along at all, and I havent been happy in this marriage in a LONG time. You see, my wife has depression, as well as a few small disorders. She is very quick to anger. She calls me some nasty names, and treats me with a lot of disrespect. I have done my best to keep us together for the sake of my daughter. I can see the damage that could be done if we split, and I can also see how she could be emotionally hurt in all this. None of this is her fault, it was poor judgement on our parts.

Ill be completely honest, I am worn out in this relationship. We barely have a sex life, if anything at all. I don't know why, but I don't necessarily have a physical attraction to her anymore. I am not exactly sure, but I believe it stems from the constant name calling/disrespect. If that makes any sense? When I look at her, all I see is this anger and disrespect. That is what I think the cause is. I have spoken to God, and asked him to HELP me in anyway possible. However; the more I look at it, the more I feel that I am NOT meant to be with this person. I didn't find her through God, in that I didn't ask him to help me find a person that was "right for me." It was basically a relationship fabricated over the fact that we were responsible for a baby. If my daughter wasnt in the picture, would we have gotten married? Not a chance. I wouldn't have even seen the relationship progressing past 3 months, let a lone 2 years.

Can anyone lend any advice? I mean, I don't want to divorce, simply because I don't want to be condemned for it. At the same time, I DONT want to take abuse, or be with someone I am truly UNHAPPY with.

What does everyone think?

 

[Danus]

Reading a couple of your post I've picked up on a few things. The major thing is a feeling you have that God might be displeased with you based on things you do, and that he would withhold himself from you, or condemn (punish) you as a result.

I understand this, but I would urge you to consider your limitations, as we are all limited, and the full grace, love and mercy of God.

I think it's fair to say that we suffer the consequences of our sin right here on earth. But, it's also fair to say that we are drawn closer to God in our suffering, and that God is actually calling out to us in that suffering with his arms stretched wide open for us; not with his back turned in condemnation. In this way it is important that we go through some of the things we suffer.

He knows you and what your going through, and he loves you just the same. He wants a relationship with you and he wants to guide and be there for you. So, in this way, our first order is to go to him and seek advice before we simply go to others who are also limited. But, when we seek our advice from others who know God, they should be directing us to God.

As for your situation, you are not 50% responsible. You are 100% responsible. This is not about her, and your sin is not about her. Otherwise you're like the fallen Adam, "It was the woman! She gave me the fruit." That did not go over well when he tried it and it's not going to pass with us either, so start thinking differently. You are 100% responsible.

The full measure of following Christ and his advice would be to stay where you are and be the shinning example of Christ Love through you to your wife and daughter. But, to do this would mean to completely give yourself over to Christ. I can't speak against this to offer you an alternative, but I can tell you that It's not easy for me either and hat I have not been able to give myself completely over to Christ either, because I've built other things before I knew him.

This is illustrated in Matthew . 16 Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”

17 “Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”

18 “Which ones?” he inquired.

Jesus replied, “‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery,(J) you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, 19 honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’

20 “All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?”

21 Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor,(N) and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

22 When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

We could talk a lot about this and what it means, but in this case we see a man who wants to follow Christ, but he does not fully trust in Christ. He trust more in his own wealth; his own ways.

We are all like this rich man in some way. We build our own paths. You build your own when you laid down with that girl, but you married her because you thought that was the right thing; that God would be pleased, and his is, but He does not simply hand us a cookie for doing "the right thing". There is WAY more to experiences and learn and develop a real faith in HIM; not just in what we do.

If you can sacrifice your OLD MAN, to God, he can live through you, and if he is living through you, then you can experiences his glory in any situation.

Further down in Matthew, 23 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24 Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”

25 When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”

26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Why shouldn't this truth also apply to you. You can't take it anymore, this relationship is a mess, but you are in it because you knew it was right. You have a little girl and a wife who disrespects you no matter what you do. And God says.....“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Can you trust God and know that he has your best interest?

Whether this woman leaves you, or stays with you, that's her 100% doing. It will be on her, not you. Your marriage is not 50/50 like so many want to think. It's 100/100, and God is there. Let Him be in the center of it.

 

[Jethro Bodine]

duari91,

If I were in your shoes, if she leaves again, and it sounds like she probably will, I would seize the opportunity to legitimately end the marriage on the basis of abandonment/ adultery.

Of course only you know the emotional and monetary costs of doing that and whether you're prepared to pay them or not, but this is the course of action I would explore as a Christian in your predicament. I know there's a lot more things to talk about in a situation like this, like how to carry out that counsel and conduct yourself in the process, but the basic course of action, IMO, is to weigh the emotional and practical costs and get out when you can do that in a legitimate way that is approved by God.

*edit*
This advice is not based on the desire to exact revenge, or that you don't love your wife even a little, or that you wouldn't want it to work out if it could. It's based on the simple acknowledgement that some situations are going to be terribly difficult and test us to the very limits of our spiritual, emotional, and physical strengths and are simply out of our control and what we can do in it to make it better.

 

[duari91]

Ever since I had gotten married, I had spoken to God and asked him to let his will be done. I haven't stopped doing it either. It has gone down hill since day one. I think it would be safe to say that I am running purely off of God's will at this point. If I were not a christian, I probably would not even be in the relationship anymore.

So it does make sense that ANYTHING is possible in him. For whatever happens, I just hope that I am forgiven for the outcome. I can't help to be given the impression that I deserve a mate who loves me, respects me, and will be there as my companion. Though, that could very well just be my human conscious. Whatever transpires I am positive it will be for the will of God.

In no way do I want to enact revenge on her. I am not bitter about anything that she has said to me, even though it has effected me emotionally. Im not a person to hold a grudge. Unfortunately for this situation, I believe this is a matter of incompatibility. There are some things you just can't fix, and this is one of those things. I have been trying to help her with her anger issues, but its literally like it is a part of her biology. To change that would be the equivalent of re programming her entire personality.

 

[felix]

duari91,

Biblical marriage begins the day you had sex. It does not start when govt declare as married. Since, you have great responsibility in this issue, my only response would be, ask forgiveness, do your job of loving her as per Scriptures, pray for her and He will do the rest. God is powerful to change the hearts and minds of people. Sometimes, God chastens us for our sins and we had to accept it to correct ourselves. Don't make anger and disrespect for her rule over you. God had given a gift to you who is your child and rejoice in it. God can chasten her too in a way that you never know and after which she will cling to you that you might have never even thought before. Since, not a hair will fall without His approval, you had to put your burden on Him and relax yourself.

 

[Dreadpiratkevin]

First of all, I want to tell you that 23 years ago, when I was exactly your age, I found myself in a similar situation. My then fiancee and I had sex, and she got pregnant. I was raised a Christian, and had always imagined that to be the very worst thing that could ever possibly happen. Well, 23 years later that child is a brilliant computer engineering student and one of the greatest joys of my life. And, as has been pointed out, since Biblical marriage begins at intercourse, I realize now that my wife and I simply started our marriage a bit before the wedding.

So, this advice is based on a successful 23 year marriage, and raising 5 amazingly awesome kids.

I understand that growing up in the church you were taught that if being nice to your wife in't working, be nicer, and probably that every single thing that could ever go wrong in your marriage is your fault, and the solution is to repent and be even nicer. If you love your daughter, and you clearly do, and you want to save your marriage for her sake, toss all that garbage out the window now! Run from it as if your life depends on it, because it does.

Here's what I mean:

You make this statement "Both times I have forgiven her completely and have done my best to meet her requirements"

and then

"but I believe it stems from the constant name calling/disrespect."

Connect the dots here. She disrespects you, and doesn't desire you because you have not commanded her respect. She demands, you cave. I know it's what we've been taught to do but it's suicide, as you are finding out the very hard way.

This may sound harsh, but your situation is harsh. Stop being nice!! She doesn't need or want nice, and nice is destroying you. This is the hardest lesson to learn for Christian Nice Guys. I know, I was one. Christ commands you to be a shield and protector for your family. You're wife's lack of respect for you is a deadly threat to your family right now. Deal with it.

You have to understand that every time she disrespects you she is testing you, and whether or not she knows it, she desperately wants you to pass the test.

What you need to show her, starting now, is that no matter how her emotional storms rage, you will NOT BE MOVED! Every time you cave to her demands, her emotional blackmail, she losses more respect for you. Take the pain, the insults the hurt, and be a rock. You set the frame in your relationship, you lead your family as you know it needs to be led, and just let her rage. If she's over the top with it, leave. Just say "I won't be disrespected like this" and go elsewhere for at least several hours. Don't call, don't let her know when or if you'll be home, just go. When you come home, don't say a word. If she starts up again, leave again. You will eventually come home to a different woman.

Every time she demands something you give it to her because of the implied threat of her leaving. Deal with that fear, and don't give in. This is what laying down your life for your family means, risking all for their sake. It's hard, very very hard, but doing right always is. God will give you the strength for it if you ask, but remember, you're battle is with yourself, not her. DO NOT BE MOVED!

Don't give in to that Christian Nice Guy syndrome, and plead and beg and 'take responsibility' for everything. She will despise you for it. Her stuff is her stuff, make it her stuff. What she does is on her, not you. Stop letting her put it on you. You may be absolutely amazed at the change in your wife as you begin to pass her tests. Prove yourself to be a leader she can follow, and she just might follow.

My heart really goes out to you, and there's much I'd like to share with you but this is a post, not a book. If you have more specific issues you'd like advice on, let me know what they are, I'd love to help. I've been there. 23 years ago a Godly older man took me aside and basically told me to man up. It made all the difference. Now I'm telling you the same thing.

 

[24Fanatic]

It's good that you've put your trust in God and given Him control of your marriage and your situation. Continue to pray for your wife and for her deliverance from her anger. God can certainly answer that prayer. I know I may get blasted for saying this, but there are some things that even God can't do. One of those things is forcing someone to change when they have no desire to do so, or when they don't think they are doing anything wrong, or just flat out won't admit it. I hope your marriage is healed and you can have a good relationship with your wife. Ultimately, though you can only do your part. At some point, she's going to have to take responsibility and exert some energy into having a relationship with you. She made the same marriage vows that you did, and if she's not keeping those vows and walks out the door, she is abandoning not only you, but her child, as well. I'm sorry you are going through the hurt and pain of a broken relationship, but at some point you're going to have to decide either that you're going to continue to be a doormat or you aren't. Staying in an abusive and volatile relationship can be more unhealthy for your daughter than growing up in a single parent home with a loving and God-fearing father.


Sent from my iPhone to the interwebs and straight to your brain using Tapatalk

 

[duari91]

First of all, I want to tell you that 23 years ago, when I was exactly your age, I found myself in a similar situation. My then fiancee and I had sex, and she got pregnant. I was raised a Christian, and had always imagined that to be the very worst thing that could ever possibly happen. Well, 23 years later that child is a brilliant computer engineering student and one of the greatest joys of my life. And, as has been pointed out, since Biblical marriage begins at intercourse, I realize now that my wife and I simply started our marriage a bit before the wedding.

So, this advice is based on a successful 23 year marriage, and raising 5 amazingly awesome kids.

I understand that growing up in the church you were taught that if being nice to your wife in't working, be nicer, and probably that every single thing that could ever go wrong in your marriage is your fault, and the solution is to repent and be even nicer. If you love your daughter, and you clearly do, and you want to save your marriage for her sake, toss all that garbage out the window now! Run from it as if your life depends on it, because it does.

Here's what I mean:

You make this statement "Both times I have forgiven her completely and have done my best to meet her requirements"

and then

"but I believe it stems from the constant name calling/disrespect."

Connect the dots here. She disrespects you, and doesn't desire you because you have not commanded her respect. She demands, you cave. I know it's what we've been taught to do but it's suicide, as you are finding out the very hard way.

This may sound harsh, but your situation is harsh. Stop being nice!! She doesn't need or want nice, and nice is destroying you. This is the hardest lesson to learn for Christian Nice Guys. I know, I was one. Christ commands you to be a shield and protector for your family. You're wife's lack of respect for you is a deadly threat to your family right now. Deal with it.

You have to understand that every time she disrespects you she is testing you, and whether or not she knows it, she desperately wants you to pass the test.

What you need to show her, starting now, is that no matter how her emotional storms rage, you will NOT BE MOVED! Every time you cave to her demands, her emotional blackmail, she losses more respect for you. Take the pain, the insults the hurt, and be a rock. You set the frame in your relationship, you lead your family as you know it needs to be led, and just let her rage. If she's over the top with it, leave. Just say "I won't be disrespected like this" and go elsewhere for at least several hours. Don't call, don't let her know when or if you'll be home, just go. When you come home, don't say a word. If she starts up again, leave again. You will eventually come home to a different woman.

Every time she demands something you give it to her because of the implied threat of her leaving. Deal with that fear, and don't give in. This is what laying down your life for your family means, risking all for their sake. It's hard, very very hard, but doing right always is. God will give you the strength for it if you ask, but remember, you're battle is with yourself, not her. DO NOT BE MOVED!

Don't give in to that Christian Nice Guy syndrome, and plead and beg and 'take responsibility' for everything. She will despise you for it. Her stuff is her stuff, make it her stuff. What she does is on her, not you. Stop letting her put it on you. You may be absolutely amazed at the change in your wife as you begin to pass her tests. Prove yourself to be a leader she can follow, and she just might follow.

My heart really goes out to you, and there's much I'd like to share with you but this is a post, not a book. If you have more specific issues you'd like advice on, let me know what they are, I'd love to help. I've been there. 23 years ago a Godly older man took me aside and basically told me to man up. It made all the difference. Now I'm telling you the same thing.

I completely understand what you are saying. The issue is that I am both nice, and firm. The truth is, I have NEVER accepted her disrespect to me, nor have I stood idle while she has called me names. Nothing works. I have tried standing firm, I have tried relenting, I have tried teller her straight out how those things make me feel. Again, nothing has worked. Like I said in an earlier post, she has anger issues. It is a part of her biology, and it is biology that I don't have the power to change. Verbal abuse is present in this relationship, only I am the only one being abused in this case. I believe it has just gotten to a point where there isnt any turning back. I have been impressed upon by God that I will not be condemned for divorcing under the cause of verbal abuse. I agree marriage is work, but at the same time it isnt fair that I have to try to undertake the task of completely changing her biology. It's my fault in the end, I shouldn't have sinned in the first place. Because of this, I was matched with someone who I am incompatable with, and someone who is not my true companion.

I believe I have come to the conclusion that we will most likely divorce within a 3 month time period.

 

[Danus]

duari91,

Biblical marriage begins the day you had sex. It does not start when govt declare as married. Since, you have great responsibility in this issue, my only response would be, ask forgiveness, do your job of loving her as per Scriptures, pray for her and He will do the rest. God is powerful to change the hearts and minds of people. Sometimes, God chastens us for our sins and we had to accept it to correct ourselves. Don't make anger and disrespect for her rule over you. God had given a gift to you who is your child and rejoice in it. God can chasten her too in a way that you never know and after which she will cling to you that you might have never even thought before. Since, not a hair will fall without His approval, you had to put your burden on Him and relax yourself.

Very well worded felix. I enjoyed reading this. Thank you.

 

[Dreadpiratkevin]

I have tried standing firm, I have tried relenting, I have tried teller her straight out how those things make me feel. Again, nothing has worked

First of all, that's a mistake. If you she doesn't respect you, she doesn't respect your feelings and may see it as just another sign of weakness on your part. Earn her respect first, then have that conversation.

Have you considered that by trying everything, you have taught her that she can wait you out? You stand firm for a while, but she knows it won't last, you'll try something else sooner or later if she keeps up the abuse. Fitness tests will always escalate when you start passing them. Earning her respect could take a long time, not just weeks or even months. What I suggest is that you stop trying things to change her, and change you. Be the head of your house that God has called you to be, regardless of what she does, and stop trying other things in hopes of changing her. You have no power to change her, only yourself. It may not save your marriage, but you will know that you have done what is right even if it doesn't. Could be she really is just Batst crazy, and nothing can be done, but the only way you'll be able to live with this in the long run and look your daughter in the eye is by doing the right thing and sticking with it. Your daughter will still need a father she can respect either way.

No, it isn't fair, but it is. You choose this, not just by having sex, but by having sex with this woman Believe me, I get it, but while God removes the penalty for sin, he doesn't remove the consequences.

 

[duari91]

I have tried standing firm, I have tried relenting, I have tried teller her straight out how those things make me feel. Again, nothing has worked

First of all, that's a mistake. If you she doesn't respect you, she doesn't respect your feelings and may see it as just another sign of weakness on your part. Earn her respect first, then have that conversation.

Have you considered that by trying everything, you have taught her that she can wait you out? You stand firm for a while, but she knows it won't last, you'll try something else sooner or later if she keeps up the abuse. Fitness tests will always escalate when you start passing them. Earning her respect could take a long time, not just weeks or even months. What I suggest is that you stop trying things to change her, and change you. Be the head of your house that God has called you to be, regardless of what she does, and stop trying other things in hopes of changing her. You have no power to change her, only yourself. It may not save your marriage, but you will know that you have done what is right even if it doesn't. Could be she really is just Batst crazy, and nothing can be done, but the only way you'll be able to live with this in the long run and look your daughter in the eye is by doing the right thing and sticking with it. Your daughter will still need a father she can respect either way.

No, it isn't fair, but it is. You choose this, not just by having sex, but by having sex with this woman Believe me, I get it, but while God removes the penalty for sin, he doesn't remove the consequences.

I have never stopped sticking to my guns. It has been over two years at this point. Since day one of the relationship, I told God to take control of our lives. Since the constant downfall, I spoke to him and asked if he could impress upon me his will. If we were destined to be, then I said give me the tools necessary to fix whatever needed to be fixed. If not, then make it clear that we are not destined to be. I trust in God, and have enough faith to believe that he is listening to me, and is answering.

From that point, nothing has improved. Could something change between now and our eventual departure? Sure, if it is God's will. I would gladly accept that. If nothing does, then I have faith that I have been guided to a decision through God, and by God. If he decides to punish me for that, well, then that is HIS decision. I won't question him for it. I will even accept it as just.

 

[Mike]

DPK, welcome to CFnet. In searching your name on the net, I can see this is something you're passionate about. Let me ask you this... Are all women the same? Do all marriages have the same dynamics? It sounds like you had a deep understanding of your wife, and it did work in your marriage, but I suggest different marriages and different wives call for different approaches. Another woman would be beaten down by that way and end up with a child complex toward her husband. A read through Solomon's Song will show honesty, purity, devotion and deep care for her.

We need to lift our wives up and encourage them in their faith walks, care about what they care about, listen to them, and see to it that they know they are cherished. I'm happy things worked out for you, but I believe it's a mistake to project your experience to all men and marriages.

 

[Danus]

Ever since I had gotten married, I had spoken to God and asked him to let his will be done. I haven't stopped doing it either. It has gone down hill since day one. I think it would be safe to say that I am running purely off of God's will at this point. If I were not a christian, I probably would not even be in the relationship anymore.

So it does make sense that ANYTHING is possible in him. For whatever happens, I just hope that I am forgiven for the outcome. I can't help to be given the impression that I deserve a mate who loves me, respects me, and will be there as my companion. Though, that could very well just be my human conscious. Whatever transpires I am positive it will be for the will of God.

In no way do I want to enact revenge on her. I am not bitter about anything that she has said to me, even though it has effected me emotionally. Im not a person to hold a grudge. Unfortunately for this situation, I believe this is a matter of incompatibility. There are some things you just can't fix, and this is one of those things. I have been trying to help her with her anger issues, but its literally like it is a part of her biology. To change that would be the equivalent of re programming her entire personality.

I'd try to put the worry of being forgiven to the side. There is nothing I think I can say to give you a good feeling about God forgiving you, but there are plenty of comforting scriptures that speak to this for those who trust God.

here is one I like, and I refer to when I am down about how things are going. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

This always inspires me and I feel at ease because it tells me that God has the plan, not me.

John Lennon (not sure what he believed) made in interesting observation of truth one time when he was quoted as saying; "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

This is true. We make plans and we have expectations, and often they do not work out the way we'd hoped.

There is an old forgotten poem that speaks to this, and I'll post it here. Thanks to the internet I found it.

Small, crafty, cowering, timorous little beast,
O, what a panic is in your little breast!
You need not start away so hasty
With argumentative chatter!
I would be loath to run and chase you,
With murdering plough-staff.
I'm truly sorry man's dominion
Has broken Nature's social union,
And justifies that ill opinion
Which makes thee startle
At me, thy poor, earth born companion
And fellow mortal!
I doubt not, sometimes, but you may steal;
What then? Poor little beast, you must live!
An odd ear in twenty-four sheaves
Is a small request;
I will get a blessing with what is left,
And never miss it.
Your small house, too, in ruin!
Its feeble walls the winds are scattering!
And nothing now, to build a new one,
Of coarse grass green!
And bleak December's winds coming,
Both bitter and keen!
You saw the fields laid bare and wasted,
And weary winter coming fast,
And cozy here, beneath the blast,
You thought to dwell,
Till crash! the cruel plough passed
Out through your cell.
That small bit heap of leaves and stubble,
Has cost you many a weary nibble!
Now you are turned out, for all your trouble,
Without house or holding,
To endure the winter's sleety dribble,
And hoar-frost cold.
But little Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often awry,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!
Still you are blest, compared with me!
The present only touches you:
But oh! I backward cast my eye,
On prospects dreary!
And forward, though I cannot see,
I guess and fear!


This is a poem about mice making their homes in farmers fields after the harvest. How they picked the perfect spot and yet they have no idea that it will be plowed under by the farmer.

I guess the point is, that we shouldn't hang our hats and hope so much on what we think and plan for ourselves, because life happens when we are busy making other plans and the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray. So, the good news should be that we don't have to worry about that because God knows the plans he has for us. Plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future. Who are we to say otherwise? Our efforts are useless, but His are sure, and if he is making the plans then all we have to do is follow. Who is not forgiven in that?

You may not stay married to this woman, or you may. Things may turn in ways you can't imagine. But, either way lean on God as you are and let him show you the plan he has. It may not always seem clear, but when we error to the greater good, as you have done by marrying this woman and being there for her and your child, God shows us his glory in it.

 

[Dreadpiratkevin]

@Mike

I think you're confusing my advice on how to deal with bad behavior, and how to deal with your wife in general. My post was specifically about how to deal with a disrespectful wife. I agree that all the things you listed are very important in a marriage, but absent a wife who respects you, they are ineffective, and can actually be harmful. In duari91's case, he can offer all the love and support in the world to this woman, and unless he earns her respect, it will only be perceived by her as weakness. To put it another way, the only way for him to truly love his wife in the condition their relationship is in now, is for him the earn her respect. She will not be able to receive the support and tenderness and all the other stuff from him until he does. I've seen so many of my friends frustrated with their unhappy or just so-so marriages because they did what they were taught in church and just piled on the beta loving tenderness a la Fireproof, while being blind to the fact that their wives despised them for their perceived weakness. As you say, not all women are the same, but they do share some basic traits, and they are wired to want a mate they respect and despise the offerings of men they don't respect. It may show in different ways with different women, but they're all wired like that. God's instructions for marriage make so much sense when you start to understand how He made us!

If I"m passionate about this it's because I believe that the best way for Christians to impact our fallen culture is to model strong vibrant and happy marriages and families. But sadly that's not the norm in Christian marriages. We're so busy on our 'missions' we ignore the fact that our own houses are not in order, and it diminishes our witness.

 

[Dreadpiratkevin]

I have never stopped sticking to my guns. It has been over two years at this point. Since day one of the relationship, I told God to take control of our lives. Since the constant downfall, I spoke to him and asked if he could impress upon me his will. If we were destined to be, then I said give me the tools necessary to fix whatever needed to be fixed. If not, then make it clear that we are not destined to be. I trust in God, and have enough faith to believe that he is listening to me, and is answering.

From that point, nothing has improved. Could something change between now and our eventual departure? Sure, if it is God's will. I would gladly accept that. If nothing does, then I have faith that I have been guided to a decision through God, and by God. If he decides to punish me for that, well, then that is HIS decision. I won't question him for it. I will even accept it as just.

I'm in no position to judge you, and obviously I have no more information than you've provided here. But I would point out that this statement is contradictory to other statements you've made about you're relationship, like that you have 'done your best to meet her requirements' when she's left you. That's not standing firm, that's letting her run the show. What the truth is only you know, but I would encourage you to re-examine you actions and see if you really are being consistent over time, or letting her control the relationship.

Don't take offense, but it seems that at this point you're looking more for absolution for the decision you've already made then for advice on how to fix the marriage.