This post is going to be probably the most difficult personal expression I have ever made in my life. James 5:16 says, "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed." Well, I'm about to confess my sins to you.
Word of warning: This is very personal and revealing and I am stepping out of my comfort zone to even talk about it but I am looking for some Christian insight.
I will have been married for 25 years the end of this month. My wife and I have two adult daughters. When our second daughter was about two years old, around 1998, for some reason unknown to me, my wife quite suddenly stopped all intimacy between us including all touching, hugging, kissing, sexual activity, etc.
I initially noticed it when I’d try to initiate things in the bedroom and at first I just figured she wasn’t in the mood. At the time, she was trying to get a new business going, which naturally required a lot of her time and energy so it was understandable. But as time went on, I also recognized that she seemed to be growing farther away in all areas of affection and this began to weigh heavy on me.
I do know of one fellow that she seemed to have a lot of interest in and looking back I am convinced, although without proof, that she may have been more involved with him than she led on or I realized. I say this because there were things that were done by both her and him that aroused my suspicions but I was never able to validate them. I did bring my fears up to her and she denied them. But, I also noticed that soon after I brought it up things changed and she no longer seemed to have the same relationship with him anymore. So, I figure either she backed off for my sake or she felt guilty and put a stop to things. At any rate until now when I sat down to put my feelings in writing, I had all but forgot about it.
I tried many various approaches such as giving her some space, trying to avoid sex temporarily, and letting her take a break from intimacy, trying to be more attentive outside the bedroom, adding more touching and hugging etc. during the day (I’m not a very touchy-feely type of person so this was not easy for me), and even in the bedroom just trying to cuddle with her without trying to initiate sex but all my efforts were met with rejection. One time when she responded with, “We’re married now, we don’t need to do this.” Those words cut me right through my heart.
As it continued I began to react with various emotions – frustration, rejection, anger, fear, self-pity, and even questioning her faithfulness to me. Eventually, in order to stop the fight that was brewing and save our marriage, I gave up trying and our relationship became not one of a married couple but more like roommates and has continued to this day. We live together, we get along okay….now, we share expenses, and so forth but we are not intimate with each other. I have actually come to the point where I'm not sure I even desire her anymore and that scares the whatever out of me.
This is where things really get personal and revealing. I am a normal human male with human desires living with a woman that I love but not allowed to express my love for her as I need. As a result, I began to feel I had no alternative but to turn toward pornography to at least satisfy my physical frustrations. It was either that or step outside our marriage. In retrospect I know it is the same result. This leaves me embarrassed, upset, and disgusted with myself for I know it is sinful and wrong.
Even at nearly 60 years old, I am not dead and I still have those same desires I had when I was 20. Like most anyone else I enjoy looking at, being with, and interacting with women. I am a little clumsy around women due to a lack of self-esteem that I have developed but I still enjoy women’s company just the same.
The problem is, the pornography and masturbation is only a very short-lived physical release of frustration and doesn’t even come remotely close to fulfilling the needs that I truly have. Fact is, afterwards I feel so disgusted with myself that it takes away any perceived gain and I feel even worse. I have let myself down, I have let my wife down, and I have let God down.
I find myself longing more and more for a close intimate relationship with a woman and I am fearful that I may no longer be able to resist an opportunity should it present itself. This has been going on for 20 years but it has taken until now for me to muster to courage to even talk about it on a somewhat anonymous website forum. I look back on my life now and I feel like I missed out on living and it was all a waste. I feel rejected, miserable, lost, trapped, angry, afraid, sad, frustrated,….well, I think I’ve made my point.
Through all of this I have undoubtedly become addicted to pornography and need to deal with that but I also have to deal with the rest of this as they are liked together and I know I can’t change her. There are times when I now question my love for my wife. I realize this is harsh but we have lived apart in the same home for so long, I wonder if I would even miss her if she wasn't here. I don’t like how I feel, I don’t like myself for what I do and have done, and I don’t like where things are but have no clue how to change the situation.
When we were married I made a vow before God and committed it for life and divorce is not an option.
I am appealing to you, my brothers and sisters in Christ, and ask for your forgiveness.
Word of warning: This is very personal and revealing and I am stepping out of my comfort zone to even talk about it but I am looking for some Christian insight.
I will have been married for 25 years the end of this month. My wife and I have two adult daughters. When our second daughter was about two years old, around 1998, for some reason unknown to me, my wife quite suddenly stopped all intimacy between us including all touching, hugging, kissing, sexual activity, etc.
I initially noticed it when I’d try to initiate things in the bedroom and at first I just figured she wasn’t in the mood. At the time, she was trying to get a new business going, which naturally required a lot of her time and energy so it was understandable. But as time went on, I also recognized that she seemed to be growing farther away in all areas of affection and this began to weigh heavy on me.
I do know of one fellow that she seemed to have a lot of interest in and looking back I am convinced, although without proof, that she may have been more involved with him than she led on or I realized. I say this because there were things that were done by both her and him that aroused my suspicions but I was never able to validate them. I did bring my fears up to her and she denied them. But, I also noticed that soon after I brought it up things changed and she no longer seemed to have the same relationship with him anymore. So, I figure either she backed off for my sake or she felt guilty and put a stop to things. At any rate until now when I sat down to put my feelings in writing, I had all but forgot about it.
I tried many various approaches such as giving her some space, trying to avoid sex temporarily, and letting her take a break from intimacy, trying to be more attentive outside the bedroom, adding more touching and hugging etc. during the day (I’m not a very touchy-feely type of person so this was not easy for me), and even in the bedroom just trying to cuddle with her without trying to initiate sex but all my efforts were met with rejection. One time when she responded with, “We’re married now, we don’t need to do this.” Those words cut me right through my heart.
As it continued I began to react with various emotions – frustration, rejection, anger, fear, self-pity, and even questioning her faithfulness to me. Eventually, in order to stop the fight that was brewing and save our marriage, I gave up trying and our relationship became not one of a married couple but more like roommates and has continued to this day. We live together, we get along okay….now, we share expenses, and so forth but we are not intimate with each other. I have actually come to the point where I'm not sure I even desire her anymore and that scares the whatever out of me.
This is where things really get personal and revealing. I am a normal human male with human desires living with a woman that I love but not allowed to express my love for her as I need. As a result, I began to feel I had no alternative but to turn toward pornography to at least satisfy my physical frustrations. It was either that or step outside our marriage. In retrospect I know it is the same result. This leaves me embarrassed, upset, and disgusted with myself for I know it is sinful and wrong.
Even at nearly 60 years old, I am not dead and I still have those same desires I had when I was 20. Like most anyone else I enjoy looking at, being with, and interacting with women. I am a little clumsy around women due to a lack of self-esteem that I have developed but I still enjoy women’s company just the same.
The problem is, the pornography and masturbation is only a very short-lived physical release of frustration and doesn’t even come remotely close to fulfilling the needs that I truly have. Fact is, afterwards I feel so disgusted with myself that it takes away any perceived gain and I feel even worse. I have let myself down, I have let my wife down, and I have let God down.
I find myself longing more and more for a close intimate relationship with a woman and I am fearful that I may no longer be able to resist an opportunity should it present itself. This has been going on for 20 years but it has taken until now for me to muster to courage to even talk about it on a somewhat anonymous website forum. I look back on my life now and I feel like I missed out on living and it was all a waste. I feel rejected, miserable, lost, trapped, angry, afraid, sad, frustrated,….well, I think I’ve made my point.
Through all of this I have undoubtedly become addicted to pornography and need to deal with that but I also have to deal with the rest of this as they are liked together and I know I can’t change her. There are times when I now question my love for my wife. I realize this is harsh but we have lived apart in the same home for so long, I wonder if I would even miss her if she wasn't here. I don’t like how I feel, I don’t like myself for what I do and have done, and I don’t like where things are but have no clue how to change the situation.
When we were married I made a vow before God and committed it for life and divorce is not an option.
I am appealing to you, my brothers and sisters in Christ, and ask for your forgiveness.