handy
Member
This is a long post, but bear with me...I want to give the full picture here and I do desire advice, but it needs to be well grounded in what the situation fully is.
My daughter has been friends with a girl since she was 5 and the girl was just turned 6. Normally, I would be glad that my daughter would have a life-long "bestie"...but this girl isn't. She isn't a "bestie"...she isn't even a good friend.
Last year, when my daughter was being hammered at the other school, facing having mean girls undermine any and all attempts to make friends, facing non-stop gossip, slights, out and out cuts and even threats and harassment...when my daughter needed her friends the most...this girl, her supposed "best friend" did this: At the annual Fireman's Pancake Supper, Ariel, the "friend" called Viola over to where a group of girls were, one of whom was the high school girl who was continually harassing and bullying Viola on the bus, and told Viola, in front of all the girls, that Joe (her beloved "grocery boy") took her, Ariel, into the break room at the grocery store and was hugging her and trying to talk her into going with him somewhere when he got off of work. She also said that Joe gave her his cell phone and demanded that she put her number on it. None of this was the least bit true, and Viola knew it was a lie. The whole point to it wasn't that any of the girls believed this...it was just to humiliate Viola as Viola had confided in Ariel her feelings about Joe, and Ariel violated the confidence by telling all the other girls in town about it.
Steve and I weren't at the Supper, but when Viola came home afterward, we knew something was up. Viola told us about it and I reminded her then that Ariel had never been a particularly faithful friend and it certainly wasn't the first time she had told lies.
Eventually, Ariel did apologize to Viola for doing what she did and excused herself by saying that the high-school girl, the one bullying Viola, put her up to it by telling her a lie about Viola...I pointed out at that time that this was just more evidence that Ariel wasn't a loyal friend, but we did agree that Viola needed to forgive her and they did move forward.
Another thing about Ariel besides her lying is the fact that she breaks up relationships. Viola has mentioned more than once how Ariel would break up the relationships of girls they knew by either by coming on to the boy or, if he didn't fall for that, telling lies about the girl. Nice. I warned Viola that Ariel would start pulling the same thing with her if she ever started dating, but Viola staunchly denied that Ariel would ever do it to her, because she was Ariel's "best friend". Yeah.
Late this summer, I had a nice chat with Joe the grocery boy and I told him the same thing I've been telling Viola all this time...that the two of them should go their own ways in life and go where life leads them and if by chance he is still single when she turns 18, then the two of them should date and see where a relationship would lead them. He had been struggling, because his friends are pairing off, his best buddy was married this summer and the waiting was just too hard on him. This has been going on for three years now, and there is still over three years left before Viola turns 18. So, he decided that it was time for him to start dating others, a decision Steve and I as well as his mom and grandparents fully support. It didn't take long for him to have a girlfriend and Viola has been encouraged to have boyfriends (always chaperoned and not to be taken too seriously) as well.
This summer, she started letting all her friends know that she was going to be coming back to her old school and it didn't take long for some guys to start showing up. First it was a boy named Alex. I had met him before, back when Viola was in 7th grade and thought then that he liked her, but she was too wrapped up with Joe to pay attention to anyone else. However, with Joe moving onward, she was a little more willing to pay attention and it didn't take long for Alex to start showing up. Then, Viola spent a day at the local fair with Ariel, Alex came by....Ariel saw Viola and Alex together...Viola saw Ariel texting Alex...now Alex won't even speak to Viola. He dropped her like a hot potato...she has no clue as to why.
On Halloween night, a boy Zach came over, gave Viola a big hug goodbye. Things had been ramping up between them for about two weeks, so it was no surprise that he would give her a hug. Then, Viola was sick for two days...and when she got back to school, Zach wouldn't have a thing to do with her. Thomas told me when he got off the bus the Wednesday after Halloween that Ariel had been telling pretty much everyone on the bus, talking loudly enough that even the kids up front heard, that Zach didn't like Viola at all, that he thought she was a stupid slut...all the girls were laughing.
Then Ariel spun this great story about going to a party where Joe was at, and that Joe gave her some cigarettes, but then held the lighter up over his head so that Ariel had to sit on his lap and lean across him rubbing her chest against his and then he took her home...wink, wink, wink....
I also saw on Viola's facebook where one of Zach friends, whom Viola liked as a friend in his own right, was texting with Viola. Viola had asked him why he didn't talk with her anymore and his response was that Ariel had told him the only reason why Viola was acting like his friend was because she wanted to sleep with Zach and he didn't appreciate being used.
High school being what it is, kids started treating Viola badly. But then, Viola's real friends stepped up to the plate. They started pushing back on all the lies, pointing out that Ariel was a known liar and why would anyone believe her anyway. Ariel retaliated by calling one of Viola's best friends a "c**t" and slamming her other best friend against the lockers. The boy who moved in when Zach dropped the ball, Joey (he and Viola are now dating) well, Ariel told everyone that Joey is actually gay and is only dating Viola to cover it up. It took going to the school counselor to settle things down...that and the fact that when I ran into Ariel, I ripped her up one side and right down the other. (Remember, I've known this girl since she was 6, I've babysat her, stayed up all night during sleepovers with her, ...I'm like an aunt to her). I warned her that if it didn't stop, I would be down at the school with her grandparents and I would darn well make sure that if any more happened, she would be transferred to the continuation school. She took me seriously, and everything settled down and the girls just ignored each other.
Steve and I also talked with Joe, just to give him a head's up to watch his back around Ariel. That little lie about the cigarettes and making her sit on his lap and rub her chest against him is enough to get him thrown in jail and be registered as a sex offender in this state. Fortunately, he already knew she was trouble and has never allowed himself to be alone with her for any reason. Everyone at the party (there was a party that both of them happened to be at) would be able to testify that nothing at all occurred between them. He and his girlfriend stopped by for a while, then left together and that was it.
So...why am I boring all of you with this girl drama.
Viola gets off the bus yesterday and said, "I had a really good day today!" I'm like, "That's great, what made today so good?"
And she replied, "Everything is cool between Ariel and I again and we're friends again."
Apparently Ariel apologized for the way she acted...again. However, her "apology" went like this: "I'm sorry, I was having a bad relationship with Will. He was beating me and abusing me, and I was just so stressed I was pushing everybody away."
So, that was the apology. I'm sorry, but...
Also, she only apologized to Viola...not to Joe, not to Talena or Taylor or Joey. As far as Viola knows, she hasn't said anything to Zach or his buddy that she said Viola was only being friendly with in order to get into Zach's pants. I asked if her apology was spoken at the top of her lungs on the bus so that everyone could hear it as well as the lies she had said about Zach and her...no, no it wasn't.
But, all I was getting from Viola last night was that she and Ariel have made up...and aren't I always saying that we should forgive, and she's not going to hang with Ariel at school, just talk with her on the bus. I tried to point out to her...what can they talk about? Anything and everything Ariel says might be a lie and anything and everything she says, Ariel might use against her the next time she goes off the rails. But, Viola hates riding the bus because she really doesn't have any close friends on the bus. There are only five high school girls that live in this town, Viola being one. The one who goes to the other school hates Viola with a passion, but she doesn't ride the bus fortunately. Another was held back several years and although she is still in high school, she's 18 years old and just doesn't have anything in common with Viola. The forth girl is OK...she's kind of a follower and is a grade ahead of Viola. It's not that they don't get along...they just have never really been friends. And the fifth is Ariel. I think the main thing Viola is thinking of is back when she was in 7th grade and she and Ariel had such good times on the bus. They would do each other's hair and make up on the ride into school, and just have good times. I think Viola is trying to recapture that.
But, my goodness...I don't want her to have Ariel as a friend any longer. Ariel is just too toxic.
I do want her to forgive the fight...yes. But, not to re-establish the friendship.
Forgive...but not forget.
Am I out of line here. This post is long enough...but honestly, I could go back into time all the way back when the girls were 5 and be able to point out ways that Ariel has treated Viola badly...from the time she slapped Viola to the time she left a huge mess on one of the lunch tables and then told the teacher it was Viola who left the mess, causing Viola to get lunch detention. Am I really out of line for telling her to go ahead and forgive her, but cut the relationship?
I don't understand why Viola wants to keep her as a friend. Frankly, that has me concerned. Ariel is having sex with guys, smokes, does pot, lies, sleeps with other girl's boyfriends, has stabbed Viola in the back I don't know how many times now, treats Viola's true friends like dirt...and she still wants to remain friends.
I don't get it...and I'm not too sure what to do.
:help
My daughter has been friends with a girl since she was 5 and the girl was just turned 6. Normally, I would be glad that my daughter would have a life-long "bestie"...but this girl isn't. She isn't a "bestie"...she isn't even a good friend.
Last year, when my daughter was being hammered at the other school, facing having mean girls undermine any and all attempts to make friends, facing non-stop gossip, slights, out and out cuts and even threats and harassment...when my daughter needed her friends the most...this girl, her supposed "best friend" did this: At the annual Fireman's Pancake Supper, Ariel, the "friend" called Viola over to where a group of girls were, one of whom was the high school girl who was continually harassing and bullying Viola on the bus, and told Viola, in front of all the girls, that Joe (her beloved "grocery boy") took her, Ariel, into the break room at the grocery store and was hugging her and trying to talk her into going with him somewhere when he got off of work. She also said that Joe gave her his cell phone and demanded that she put her number on it. None of this was the least bit true, and Viola knew it was a lie. The whole point to it wasn't that any of the girls believed this...it was just to humiliate Viola as Viola had confided in Ariel her feelings about Joe, and Ariel violated the confidence by telling all the other girls in town about it.
Steve and I weren't at the Supper, but when Viola came home afterward, we knew something was up. Viola told us about it and I reminded her then that Ariel had never been a particularly faithful friend and it certainly wasn't the first time she had told lies.
Eventually, Ariel did apologize to Viola for doing what she did and excused herself by saying that the high-school girl, the one bullying Viola, put her up to it by telling her a lie about Viola...I pointed out at that time that this was just more evidence that Ariel wasn't a loyal friend, but we did agree that Viola needed to forgive her and they did move forward.
Another thing about Ariel besides her lying is the fact that she breaks up relationships. Viola has mentioned more than once how Ariel would break up the relationships of girls they knew by either by coming on to the boy or, if he didn't fall for that, telling lies about the girl. Nice. I warned Viola that Ariel would start pulling the same thing with her if she ever started dating, but Viola staunchly denied that Ariel would ever do it to her, because she was Ariel's "best friend". Yeah.
Late this summer, I had a nice chat with Joe the grocery boy and I told him the same thing I've been telling Viola all this time...that the two of them should go their own ways in life and go where life leads them and if by chance he is still single when she turns 18, then the two of them should date and see where a relationship would lead them. He had been struggling, because his friends are pairing off, his best buddy was married this summer and the waiting was just too hard on him. This has been going on for three years now, and there is still over three years left before Viola turns 18. So, he decided that it was time for him to start dating others, a decision Steve and I as well as his mom and grandparents fully support. It didn't take long for him to have a girlfriend and Viola has been encouraged to have boyfriends (always chaperoned and not to be taken too seriously) as well.
This summer, she started letting all her friends know that she was going to be coming back to her old school and it didn't take long for some guys to start showing up. First it was a boy named Alex. I had met him before, back when Viola was in 7th grade and thought then that he liked her, but she was too wrapped up with Joe to pay attention to anyone else. However, with Joe moving onward, she was a little more willing to pay attention and it didn't take long for Alex to start showing up. Then, Viola spent a day at the local fair with Ariel, Alex came by....Ariel saw Viola and Alex together...Viola saw Ariel texting Alex...now Alex won't even speak to Viola. He dropped her like a hot potato...she has no clue as to why.
On Halloween night, a boy Zach came over, gave Viola a big hug goodbye. Things had been ramping up between them for about two weeks, so it was no surprise that he would give her a hug. Then, Viola was sick for two days...and when she got back to school, Zach wouldn't have a thing to do with her. Thomas told me when he got off the bus the Wednesday after Halloween that Ariel had been telling pretty much everyone on the bus, talking loudly enough that even the kids up front heard, that Zach didn't like Viola at all, that he thought she was a stupid slut...all the girls were laughing.
Then Ariel spun this great story about going to a party where Joe was at, and that Joe gave her some cigarettes, but then held the lighter up over his head so that Ariel had to sit on his lap and lean across him rubbing her chest against his and then he took her home...wink, wink, wink....
I also saw on Viola's facebook where one of Zach friends, whom Viola liked as a friend in his own right, was texting with Viola. Viola had asked him why he didn't talk with her anymore and his response was that Ariel had told him the only reason why Viola was acting like his friend was because she wanted to sleep with Zach and he didn't appreciate being used.
High school being what it is, kids started treating Viola badly. But then, Viola's real friends stepped up to the plate. They started pushing back on all the lies, pointing out that Ariel was a known liar and why would anyone believe her anyway. Ariel retaliated by calling one of Viola's best friends a "c**t" and slamming her other best friend against the lockers. The boy who moved in when Zach dropped the ball, Joey (he and Viola are now dating) well, Ariel told everyone that Joey is actually gay and is only dating Viola to cover it up. It took going to the school counselor to settle things down...that and the fact that when I ran into Ariel, I ripped her up one side and right down the other. (Remember, I've known this girl since she was 6, I've babysat her, stayed up all night during sleepovers with her, ...I'm like an aunt to her). I warned her that if it didn't stop, I would be down at the school with her grandparents and I would darn well make sure that if any more happened, she would be transferred to the continuation school. She took me seriously, and everything settled down and the girls just ignored each other.
Steve and I also talked with Joe, just to give him a head's up to watch his back around Ariel. That little lie about the cigarettes and making her sit on his lap and rub her chest against him is enough to get him thrown in jail and be registered as a sex offender in this state. Fortunately, he already knew she was trouble and has never allowed himself to be alone with her for any reason. Everyone at the party (there was a party that both of them happened to be at) would be able to testify that nothing at all occurred between them. He and his girlfriend stopped by for a while, then left together and that was it.
So...why am I boring all of you with this girl drama.
Viola gets off the bus yesterday and said, "I had a really good day today!" I'm like, "That's great, what made today so good?"
And she replied, "Everything is cool between Ariel and I again and we're friends again."
Apparently Ariel apologized for the way she acted...again. However, her "apology" went like this: "I'm sorry, I was having a bad relationship with Will. He was beating me and abusing me, and I was just so stressed I was pushing everybody away."
So, that was the apology. I'm sorry, but...
Also, she only apologized to Viola...not to Joe, not to Talena or Taylor or Joey. As far as Viola knows, she hasn't said anything to Zach or his buddy that she said Viola was only being friendly with in order to get into Zach's pants. I asked if her apology was spoken at the top of her lungs on the bus so that everyone could hear it as well as the lies she had said about Zach and her...no, no it wasn't.
But, all I was getting from Viola last night was that she and Ariel have made up...and aren't I always saying that we should forgive, and she's not going to hang with Ariel at school, just talk with her on the bus. I tried to point out to her...what can they talk about? Anything and everything Ariel says might be a lie and anything and everything she says, Ariel might use against her the next time she goes off the rails. But, Viola hates riding the bus because she really doesn't have any close friends on the bus. There are only five high school girls that live in this town, Viola being one. The one who goes to the other school hates Viola with a passion, but she doesn't ride the bus fortunately. Another was held back several years and although she is still in high school, she's 18 years old and just doesn't have anything in common with Viola. The forth girl is OK...she's kind of a follower and is a grade ahead of Viola. It's not that they don't get along...they just have never really been friends. And the fifth is Ariel. I think the main thing Viola is thinking of is back when she was in 7th grade and she and Ariel had such good times on the bus. They would do each other's hair and make up on the ride into school, and just have good times. I think Viola is trying to recapture that.
But, my goodness...I don't want her to have Ariel as a friend any longer. Ariel is just too toxic.
I do want her to forgive the fight...yes. But, not to re-establish the friendship.
Forgive...but not forget.
Am I out of line here. This post is long enough...but honestly, I could go back into time all the way back when the girls were 5 and be able to point out ways that Ariel has treated Viola badly...from the time she slapped Viola to the time she left a huge mess on one of the lunch tables and then told the teacher it was Viola who left the mess, causing Viola to get lunch detention. Am I really out of line for telling her to go ahead and forgive her, but cut the relationship?
I don't understand why Viola wants to keep her as a friend. Frankly, that has me concerned. Ariel is having sex with guys, smokes, does pot, lies, sleeps with other girl's boyfriends, has stabbed Viola in the back I don't know how many times now, treats Viola's true friends like dirt...and she still wants to remain friends.
I don't get it...and I'm not too sure what to do.
:help
