Need Advice from Dads

[handy]

OK, so my son is growing up.

And, very often his dad isn't around.

Most of the time, when issues come up, I deal with it...none of this "Wait until your Father gets home."

Something happens, we talk it over, if necessary discipline is administered.

The thing is, my son, bright kid, intelligent, but it doesn't matter how many times he is told something...often he'll do it again and again...unless he's stopped "cold". Waiting for Dad to talk it over with him when he gets off work or on the weekend just won't get it. He sort of needs things dealt with right on the spot for it to really sink in.

Normally, not a problem. I do deal with things.

But, lately the problem is that he is well...doing "grown up boy" things...things that mothers should just ignore but...he does this in in appropriate places like my bathroom or bedroom.

Maybe I'm being too delicate and over analyzing the whole thing, but my assumption is that he would rather die 1000 deaths by hot needles in his eyes before ever, ever having his mother talk to him about this sort of thing.

But, maybe it's not as big a deal as I think and just a little word from me at the moment that he needs to not do these things in my bathroom or to get his sheets washed on a regular basis is all it will take...

I just wonder if I would scar him for life if I were to talk things over with him. Steve said that it wouldn't bother him...but he grew up with just the boys and I don't think he ever really had his mom say much to him about these things.

What about it, guys...put up with it until Steve can get it through his head to be more circumspect in his "man moments" or just deal with it like I do Viola when the subject comes up.

 

[Mike]

Darn! Come on Danus!!

I saw Danus was replying to this, and I kept refreshing the screen. Come on, Danus! This is the perfect way to avoid saying what I would say and just say "Yeah.. Danus had a good point. I was gonna say what he said." :bounceball

Dora, at the risk of being belittled by what Danus eventually said ;), I say NO WAY!!

Lasting scars?? Are you kidding me??? That would be an amputation! Quadrilateral!! Step away from the bomb, Mom... nice and easy. He will be absolutely humiliated and guilt-ridden. Call me old-fashioned, but some things are better left to a guy to work through himself. Even Dad can be a blow.

Actually, forget what I said. I agree with Danus!! What he said!

 

[Mike]

Oh my gosh! Danus chickened out! :rolling

 

[Danus]

Well,.....hummm.

1. It's going to happen. I mean it's normal and to a strong degree healthy. I know there is the sin factor here but I'll address that with point #2.

2. You want to make sure it stays healthy and not destructive.

I think it's fine for mom to address this, but I'd say dad needs to back it up. I'd suggest mom and dad talk about it together if possible.

If you speak to him about it I'd first list your concerns. I think on that list should be respect of women and sex itself.

This urge in a young man is very powerful and when you mix it with the world it can be extremely confusing for boys. They can associate this new found "man-hood" with many wrong things.

I think the most important thing to say, if you can have an open discussion, is to acknowledge you know. It's OK, and let's face it......I hate typing this, but sex feels good. Your son already knows this and as he explores it more he's going to have more thoughts of the next level.

If he does not have a healthy view of the "next Level", he can be lead down the wrong path. So, he's a loaded weapon now and he needs to learn gun safety. ;)

What are your thoughts? I mean what are your fears and thoughts bout it?

 

[Danus]

Oh my gosh! Danus chickened out! :rolling

I did not...I'm down stairs. Had to eat dinner and shoo my kids from looking over my shoulder on this one.

 

[Danus]

Lasting scars?? Are you kidding me??? That would be an amputation! Quadrilateral!! Step away from the bomb, Mom... nice and easy. He will be absolutely humiliated and guilt-ridden. Call me old-fashioned, but some things are better left to a guy to work through himself. Even Dad can be a blow.

Actually, forget what I said. I agree with Danus!! What he said!

I'm a little in your camp as well, But I plan on talking to my girls openly as possible. But If my mom had tried this....I'd have crawled up and died ....however, I think it can be done.

 

[handy]

If he does not have a healthy view of the "next Level", he can be lead down the wrong path. So, he's a loaded weapon now and he needs to learn gun safety. ;)

Umm, OK...I just admitted on another thread that I can be a bit stupid in how I phrase things.

Let me try to be clearer on the problem...it isn't sex talk in general...Dad can take care of that...

It's more that:...He's a loaded weapon now and he needs to learn that "discharging" said weapon in my bathroom or on my bed (our shower is in the master bedroom, so he showers and changes in there) is unacceptable.

Steve has spoken to him before, but with my son, he needs constant reminders.

I can say, "HEY THOMAS...DON'T FORGET TO TAKE OUT THAT TRASH AGAIN!"

(i'm having a much tougher time saying "Don't "shoot" on my bathroom floor or in my bed...stay in your own room and either use a towel or wash your sheets for goodness sake!")

I mean seriously...how can a mom say that without causing her son to curl up and die.

 

[childeye]

I'm a Dad. I'm afraid this is where it is up to the Mom to just be herself. Not an easy situation and not made any better by discussing it here if your son found out.
Go easy on him. He's just as vulnerable as you are or maybe worse. But I think you need to say it and get it over with rather than build a wall between you two. It's only fear of the unknown. Don't be ruled by fear, you both will survive. That's what I think for what it's worth. Maybe you'd best pray about it a little more. This is a very delicate situation.

 

[jasoncran]

Well,.....hummm.

1. It's going to happen. I mean it's normal and to a strong degree healthy. I know there is the sin factor here but I'll address that with point #2.

2. You want to make sure it stays healthy and not destructive.

I think it's fine for mom to address this, but I'd say dad needs to back it up. I'd suggest mom and dad talk about it together if possible.

If you speak to him about it I'd first list your concerns. I think on that list should be respect of women and sex itself.

This urge in a young man is very powerful and when you mix it with the world it can be extremely confusing for boys. They can associate this new found "man-hood" with many wrong things.

I think the most important thing to say, if you can have an open discussion, is to acknowledge you know. It's OK, and let's face it......I hate typing this, but sex feels good. Your son already knows this and as he explores it more he's going to have more thoughts of the next level.

If he does not have a healthy view of the "next Level", he can be lead down the wrong path. So, he's a loaded weapon now and he needs to learn gun safety. ;)

What are your thoughts? I mean what are your fears and thoughts bout it?

dora. well i would say that he will either learn hide it better as well i did. its best to nip this under the bud as well it wont stop if he doenst learn lust is a sin. my grandson will hit this age soon and when he does. i will have to clamp that down. yes its life but i will share what it has done with me.

 

[Mike]

In spite of Danus' response and the others...

This is not a "year 2011" thing. It's a thing boys have gone through since whenever... And the vast, vast majority of boys grow out of this and into adult, yes even Christian adult, ways of harnessing this.

Boys will be boys, and then they become mature men.

I say, let him get through this phase. Model Godly love between yourselves, and he will know how a true man uses God's Gift of sexuality.

Maybe we can arrange a "Mens & Dora's Locker Room" so we can discuss this in "real" terms. ;)

 

[jasoncran]

mike. i disagree. i say that as well the circles i have walked. yes if one has christian parents that could happen but if one doesnt have ones that espouse the christian view of sex. i dont think so.


of course. going into the service will only make that problem worse. the service seems to have a spirit of lust and fornication and adultery seem to be rites of passage. i am old enough to remember singing the dirty cadences that one heard in the movie full metal jacket.

 

[childeye]

Pardon me but i am a bit leary of a "christian view of sex". It must be Christ's view and I think that is not always agreed upon. Let Dora and God deal with it. She seems pretty good at saying the right things.

 

[jasoncran]

Pardon me but i am a bit leary of a "christian view of sex". It must be Christ's view and I think that is not always agreed upon. Let Dora and God deal with it. She seems pretty good at saying the right things.

take from a porn fiend, i call it that for a good reason. trust me i have to work on unlearning all that sodomious programing. not that i ever went that deep. but those that were into that know what i am talking about and how it denegrates women and views them as things.

 

[Nikki]

It's more that:...He's a loaded weapon now and he needs to learn that "discharging" said weapon in my bathroom or on my bed (our shower is in the master bedroom, so he showers and changes in there) is unacceptable.[/SIZE]
[/SIZE]

Oh no he didn't!!! I'm pretty blunt with my girls at times and if I had a boy that "discharged his weapon" on MY bed, I'd probably flip out on him! Maybe that's why God gave me girls. LOL!

Seriously, I'd HAVE to say something. Even if you write a note and leave it on his bed. He has to learn that it is NOT ok to be doing that in YOUR space.

 

[childeye]

take from a porn fiend, i call it that for a good reason. trust me i have to work on unlearning all that sodomious programing. not that i ever went that deep. but those that were into that know what i am talking about and how it denegrates women and views them as things.

Yes. I think I know what you're getting at. But thinking about this young man, I don't think it is wise to be discussing it here on this forum. I wouldn't like it if I were him. This should be between Dora and her own although I do not fault Dora. I just think she doubted herself and her capabilities in this matter.

 

[handy]

I'm a Dad. I'm afraid this is where it is up to the Mom to just be herself. Not an easy situation and not made any better by discussing it here if your son found out.

Believe me, I thought about this...but, when my daughter turned 13, she wanted me to set up a membership for her here.

I said "No". I don't have many Christian friends in "real time" because I live on the side of a mountain out in the middle of no where. I like being able to come here, with folks who don't know my family first hand and have a "sounding" board for things that hit too close to home.

Steve didn't think that it would be all that big of a deal for me to reprimand him on this...but he grew up in a family of all guys except his mom and didn't really have to "deal" with his sexuality with her...his Dad and older brothers were there to mentor him through.

So, I wanted some wider opinions because I don't want to seriously embarrass him. If Steve was around to "find" the "evidence" and reprimand him on the spot...no problem, but he isn't home all that much so it's either tell him to talk it over well after the fact (not really that effective so far) or reprimand him on the spot myself.

I did talk it over with Steve again tonight, and he had spoken to him again...we'll see if the talk sinks in this time.

If it doesn't, what I've gathered here is that it won't be the worst thing ever if I do have to talk with him...at least not for him.

Funny thing is...with Viola, we talk about everything...no holds barred. But, she's a girl as was I...

 

[childeye]

Funny thing is...with Viola, we talk about everything...no holds barred. But, she's a girl as was I...

Yes I should have known you had thought about posting this issue. Well maybe I am not one to give advice. I don't like doing it anyway.

It seems simple that you have an open relationship with Viola. I suppose I may be naive that you could have one with your son that was as confiding. There are expectations in young men that they wish to achieve so that their Mothers will be proud of them and this isn't one of them. I just don't like barriers because they isolate, but perhaps God has made men this way for a good reason. To seek Him on their own. I always end up praying to Him for everything. And He never disapoints.

 

[Danus]

Umm, OK...I just admitted on another thread that I can be a bit stupid in how I phrase things.

Let me try to be clearer on the problem...it isn't sex talk in general...Dad can take care of that...

It's more that:...He's a loaded weapon now and he needs to learn that "discharging" said weapon in my bathroom or on my bed (our shower is in the master bedroom, so he showers and changes in there) is unacceptable.

Steve has spoken to him before, but with my son, he needs constant reminders.

I can say, "HEY THOMAS...DON'T FORGET TO TAKE OUT THAT TRASH AGAIN!"

(i'm having a much tougher time saying "Don't "shoot" on my bathroom floor or in my bed...stay in your own room and either use a towel or wash your sheets for goodness sake!")

I mean seriously...how can a mom say that without causing her son to curl up and die.

OK, well then if that's the only issue then I would not discuss it with him. Let Dad do it. I understand your concern in the area of cleanliness, but if that's all you bring up to him about it; I just think he's going to feel shame and embarrassment.

This is way more than cleaning up and keeping things sanitary. It's far deeper than that and the boy need guidance and understanding before this conversation about where and when.

When I was a young man crossing over into manhood.....I thought I was possessed or something. Girls and sex are all I could think about. I did not have parents to talk to me about my "feelings" in regard to this, or give me any perspective. I had my friends and the media.

The media told me congratulations you are now a man. Enjoy these images. We have them everywhere, perfume ads, beer ads, movies, TV...and for the really bold pornography. Oh and don't forget, Sex is normal and good and healthy, just be careful, but most of all have fun.

My friends backed this up. All I needed was a girl who was getting the same message and they are not hard to find either.

Your son is not going to tell you about this and he does not even know what to think really.

the vast, vast majority of boys grow out of this and into adult, yes even Christian adult, ways of harnessing this.

Boys will be boys, and then they become mature men.

I respectfully disagree. Humans masturbate from the time they discover it to the time they die baring any health issues, physical or mental conditions.

Now these habits do change with age, but I'm willing to bet that even the pope has awoken with the need to remove his holly sheets as he runs down to confession. :D...just keeping it real. As the kids say.

This is a difficult subject for people to talk about :shocked! This is one area of conversation that I think we Christians fail at more than anything. I don't think anyone on this forum would be willing to take the Seinfeld bet if they had to be 100% honest. ;)...BUT It's not my intent to turn this thread into this direction.

I will say that having a Godly perspective does change one's motivation in regards to this, but ......the facts are that many a Christian has issues with this, or struggles with sexual thoughts.

 

[jasoncran]

i WOULD NOT, TALK to my mother on sex then or these days. but i have well been there for her when my dad couldnt take her to the surgeon for her partial hysterectomy.

i could be that open now but not as a teen. the only reason i wont do it know, well i know how she would react.i can be rather too blunt, bad habit. like danus i was goded by my friends into sex with anyone married or not.

 

[handy]

Thanks Danus and Jason,

I'll take your advice and not talk with him. Slowly but surely he'll get the message that his bedroom is the only "appropriate" place for that kind of behavior.

Again, it's not the behavior itself that bothers me. I always think of the Dr. James Dobson quote: "95% of people will admit to masturbation. The other 5% are lying."

I agree...and no, I don't want this thread turning into that discussion...strict rules on that for good reason. I only point it out that it's normal (not making a judgment on sinful, just saying it's normal) and it really doesn't bother me. It's just the mess and the, well, I guess lack of respect...

With any other kid, one would think "hiding the evidence" would be uppermost in the mind, but my son...doesn't really think along those lines. He's a smart kid...just brought his progress report home and wow...all the A's! Smart, but not always clever. Very guileless, and that's something I don't want to lose with him. I like the fact that neither of our kids hide things from us.

Anyway, we didn't talk about sex at all in my house growing up. When the time came for my mother to explain to me why a certain rather scary and painful thing was happening to me, she gave me a book. That was it. I've already shared how Steve had so many guys around, he didn't need to speak with his mom about things.

Which was why I wanted a broader base of input. Thanks.