Need Advice from Dads

[jasoncran]

hopefully he will learn to give it to God. Lord, i dont know the story of this young boy. as all men have to struggle with this. i ask that he doesnt down the same path of destruction that i went. Lord work this out and help him remain pure. amen.

 

[childeye]

hopefully he will learn to give it to God. Lord, i dont know the story of this young boy. as all men have to struggle with this. i ask that he doesnt down the same path of destruction that i went. Lord work this out and help him remain pure. amen.

I can't speak with all surety Jasoncran, but somehow I feel this prayer said particularly by you is very moving. So many things are unseen and we may never know for sure but it may well be that handy's thread exist's so that this prayer would be spoken by you.

 

[stovebolts]

Dora,

I actually think that this is a discussion that both you and Steve need to sit down together with your son and talk about. It shouldn't be just Steve, and it shouldn't just be you.

The reason I'm leaning in this direction is because you want him to have a healthy, balanced perspective on his sexuality and that requires a woman's and a man's perspective on the matter. In a way, I think he's screaming, "I need to talk to you about this".

Your son is smart, and I may be wrong here, but smart criminals do stupid things to get caught because they can't control themselves and depend on others to control them. Kids often "act out" because they need some boundaries set for them that they cannot set for themselves, but they know they need them... Bear with me please.

At his age, he's not only a loaded gun, but he's got lots of ammunition that can go off without notice or warning. At his age, it's not about his mental fantasies, it's about a physical reality and he needs to learn self control. (This is where the Godly talk from Mom and Dad comes in about marriage etc)

That aside, It's embarrassing when it "happens" in school right before the bell rings to switch classes, or when your talking with that cute girl... and what about homecoming dance when you dance close to her or heaven forbid when your on the bus on a bumpy road next to your best friend and it's a guy. Like I said, it's a physical thing, not a mental thing, yet. How in the world does a boy control something that feels so uncontrollable? How does he deal with this embarrasment... How does he talk to you about this when it's such an embarrassing thing in his life?

I'd venture to say, that like Eunice (2 Timothy 1:5), you've been a major contributor to your son's character. As embarrassing as it may sound, I think he needs both you and Steve to sit down with him and talk about the changes he's going though. I think he needs you both to talk to him and when you do, it's more to just listen to what he's going through so he can get it off his chest.

.02

 

[handy]

Follow up to this:

Steve did talk about it with him...and I think it must have sunk in this time. I've noticed that things are staying clean and he seems to be cleaning up after himself a little better. At least, since that time there hasn't been any "messes" for me to clean.

Jeff, I agree that boys need both their Dad's and their Mom's perspective on their sexuality...and it's not that I never want to ever speak to him about any aspect about sex...but at the same time, I don't want to mortify him with something so sensitive.

In the end, I decided not to say anything to him about it, but to let his dad talk it over with him...both because I think he would have been totally embarrassed and also because I just didn't feel comfortable about it myself.

He went to his first dance at his new school last Friday night. He didn't wind up dancing with any girls, but he did buy one girl a treat. He and I had a good talk later that evening on how to respect girls and treat girls right...what a girl thinks is cute and adorable and what is likely to earn him a smack in the chops! ;)

 

[stovebolts]

ahhhh, the joys of parenthood lol!

Every family has different dynamics, and I'm positive God is guiding you.

this reminds me... My son is 12 and he has 2 'gordons' lol and his voice is dropping. My wife has reminded me several times lately that I need to talk to him about the changes his body is experiencing...

can I hijack your thread lol!!! From my view he seems to be doing ok... And talking to him about something that I don't see him having an issue with... Well, that seems embarassing .

 

[Sparkey]

My mom had a way of looking at me that would speak volumes. Volumes.

She also restricted all children from "their" bedroom. He is violating your privacy. Deal with that aspect would be my suggestion.

 

[Bonairos]

It's more that:...He's a loaded weapon now and he needs to learn that "discharging" said weaponin my bathroom or on my bed (our shower is in the master bedroom, so he showers and changes in there) is unacceptable."

"I mean seriously...how can a mom say that without causing her son to curl up and die."

For what it's worth, I'll chime in (late) and expoound on Sparrowhawk's suggestion.

First, there appears to be two issues at hand.

One, a teenage male discovering (and enjoying?) his body parts as he grows into a young man. Body parts that will no doubt serve a purpose later in his life.

"Discovering?" "Enjoying his body parts?" Am I kidding myself? Allow me to stop being politically correct and call it what it is, masturbating.

Point one is being addressed and there are differences on how to approach it. And I can appreciate your desire to be sensitive when and if you as his mother must address it.

BUT! There's another issue at hand that is separate and distinct of point one.

Masturbating and ejaculating semen on YOUR marriage bed? That is an (potential) issue of disrespect if not immediately addressed by you or your husband.

The same could be said of my married children. Sex on their parent's bed? Not my marriage bed! And I don't care if they are married and sex in marriage is approved by God, I will not stand quiet (no matter how well they might clean up after themselves and leave no evidence!). And it doesn't matter if it's my marriage bed or that of another, it is still disrespectful.

Perhaps this early "instilled training" somehow contributed to my children now looking upon all marriage beds (including their own) as worthy of due respect.

Let him "curl up and die" (if need be, but of course he won't). Sometimes "shock" therapy is what's needed! HAHA!



Be blessed, Stay blessed, and be Bold!

 

[handy]

My mom had a way of looking at me that would speak volumes. Volumes.

She also restricted all children from "their" bedroom. He is violating your privacy. Deal with that aspect would be my suggestion.

It would of course be easiest to just keep the kids out of our room, but that's where the shower is. We have two bathrooms, but just the one shower.

Bonairos, you bring up a good point, but one that, at least as it pertains to his masturbating in our bedroom and bathroom, his dad should deal with.

I am finding this thread very helpful by the way. I know it seems that it should be fairly easy...I'm his mom, I should be able to talk to him, even reprimand him about anything...or Steve should.

But, again, our life isn't exactly "suburbia". Steve is gone most of the week, even though we talk on the phone. In a lot of practical ways, it's like I'm a single mother. But, while that's a little easier with my daughter, with my son, it's a challenge.

This thread has helped me figure out how I can very practically deal with my son on an issue as important of his adolescence. I'm finding that I can much more easily deal with the character building, spiritual truth examining aspect of his budding maturity...talking to him about the importance of respecting others as well as himself, helping him understand that what is going on in his body is a normal, healthy thing and is God's way of readying him for becoming a man. Helping him navigate how to approach girls at a dance, how to show respect to them and how important that respect is. "Theoretical" things, but important.

But, when it comes down to the physical side of things...things like when and when not to masturbate...those very sensitive talks are best between father and son. If I were a true single mother, if I were a widow, then I would have to do it. But, since I'm not, I find myself coming down strong on the side that those kinds of talks need to be with Steve.

Jeff, you said that your wife is reminding you that you need to have a talk with your son...if he's 12, he's a little older than my son...yep, that talk might be considered way "over due" if it hasn't happened yet.

And don't think you're going to get by with just one "talk"...gear up for a conversation that's going to be ongoing for the next few years. ;)

 

[felix]

But, lately the problem is that he is well...doing "grown up boy" things...things that mothers should just ignore but...he does this in in appropriate places like my bathroom or bedroom.

I don't think he would do things which are easily identifiable.

But, maybe it's not as big a deal as I think and just a little word from me at the moment that he needs to not do these things in my bathroom or to get his sheets washed on a regular basis is all it will take...

It could be even because of wet dreams, not necessarily doing such things. I did had some embarrassing moments in my teenage, where I wasn't able to tell anyone but the sheets, sometimes by pants must be washed. I must hide it but putting the sheet / pants to wash, but it will make it known to my parents. So, I just left the sheets.

 

[jasoncran]

lol, it wont well self-amputate.