Need help coping with a sexless marriage

[dinoguy]

Too bad this thread got de-railed into a silly exegetical argument. How about some practical advice?

To the OP if you're still around: Here's he harsh truth- your wife doesn't find you sexually attractive any more. Everything else is most likely justification and window dressing for that fact. It's not her fault, attraction is chemical, but at root that's the problem. You can't change her, but you can change you. I could list lots of ways to do that, but others can do much better than I. Check out <a href=http://marriedmansexlife.com/>Athol Kay's</a> blog and read his book, it's spot on for dealing with your situation. His advice is simple. Stop trying to change her, and change yourself into the best man you can be. Understand what gets a woman going sexually and make a plan to be that. Best case scenario you start pulling attention of other women and it shakes up the status quo in your marriage. Once your wife starts seeing that you have other options, she will very likely be miraculously healed from her 'emotional problems' and at least try and hold on to her meal ticket, if not start being truly attracted to you once again. It's worked very well for many men, check out the new forums for their stories.

I like a good theological debate as much as anyone, but sometimes you just have to get real and practical when people are hurting.

This is interesting thinking, but I think it is false.
Basically you are assuming the husband has allowed himself to become a fat slob whereas before they were married he was not.
And you shouldn't assume she will straighten out when she sees he might leave. She might be perfectly happy to keep the house, half of everything they have, and half (or more) of what he will earn for the next decade and have him gone so she no longer has to be obedient to him.
At some point in their life most women simply lose all interest in sex. It's not the man's fault and it's not her fault either. But it's reality.

 

[reba]

Good grief guys... just maybe your not any good at it... or you treat her like she is a stupid child .. grumble at me all day ignore me when i am trying to explain something ... football is more important just now..... walk in the door with a chip on your shoulder because YOU WORK ... then try and cuddle up to me not going happen ..not the way you want...

 

[dinoguy]

Good grief guys... just maybe your not any good at it... or you treat her like she is a stupid child .. grumble at me all day ignore me when i am trying to explain something ... football is more important just now..... walk in the door with a chip on your shoulder because YOU WORK ... then try and cuddle up to me not going happen ..not the way you want...

This can be a death spiral for a marriage. The grumpier he gets the more she says no, so he gets even grumier so she says no even more, etc..
Does God come into this at all, or are Christians the same as non-Christians when it comes to basic psychology?

 

[Sparkey]

Good grief guys... just maybe your not any good at it...

Love ya, Reba. Keep telling it the way it is. ;)

Shifting the fault domain from her to him would remove her objection to seeking help. They could go to the church or to counseling as long as he was ready to bear the burden. Love covers a thing.

 

[Nick]

Good grief guys... just maybe your not any good at it...

:rolling

If we had a post of the week competition...

 

[President]

handy,

As I mentioned, Paul is saying his thoughts not God's will or commandment. He even goes ahead to suggest to remain as unmarried in 1Cor 7:8.

Just to remind you God did not create Adam alone. He also created Eve because it was God who said, it is NOT god for man to be alone - which contradicts Paul's suggestion.

What Paul is suggesting "to remain unmarried" is exactly described as "doctrine of demons" by himself in his first letter to Timothy. 1Tim 4:1-3.

That's not what I Timothy 4:1-3 is talking about. That passage is about forbidding people to marry. Paul wrote about men choosing to be celibate because they have a gift for it, not men being taught that they must be celibate. Christ spoke of those had made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake.

Is the part about speaking by concession and not by commandment about the verses before, about marriage and sex, or about the part after about wishing all men were like Paul (celibate)?

 

[President]

Too bad this thread got de-railed into a silly exegetical argument. How about some practical advice?

To the OP if you're still around: Here's he harsh truth- your wife doesn't find you sexually attractive any more. Everything else is most likely justification and window dressing for that fact. It's not her fault, attraction is chemical, but at root that's the problem. You can't change her, but you can change you. I could list lots of ways to do that, but others can do much better than I. Check out <a href=http://marriedmansexlife.com/>Athol Kay's</a> blog and read his book, it's spot on for dealing with your situation. His advice is simple. Stop trying to change her, and change yourself into the best man you can be. Understand what gets a woman going sexually and make a plan to be that. Best case scenario you start pulling attention of other women and it shakes up the status quo in your marriage. Once your wife starts seeing that you have other options, she will very likely be miraculously healed from her 'emotional problems' and at least try and hold on to her meal ticket, if not start being truly attracted to you once again. It's worked very well for many men, check out the new forums for their stories.

I like a good theological debate as much as anyone, but sometimes you just have to get real and practical when people are hurting.

I had a look at the website and forum on the website. It's got some men's movement lingo in it.

Basically, the idea is that women are attracted to men who attract other women. They are attracted to men who are fit, strong, in charge, have the respect of men, and get attention from other women. So the idea is to get in shape, be in charge, and get respect. I don't know all the details, but that seems to be the general idea.

Something interesting is the idea that if you are really nice and do whatever your wife wants, then that may not make her respect you. But if you won't put up with any 'junk' from her if she disrespects you, or tries to get you to hold her purse in the mall, that she starts to respect you more... for not doing what she says she wants you to do. I can see how that makes sense. The 'beta' males say they did all this nice stuff for their wives and let her call all the shots and it made her less attractive to them. They want to be more 'alpha.'

The part about attracting other women sounds dangerous. Getting in shape and being more attractive makes sense. But the idea that the motivation is fear that she will lose you to some other woman seems unhealthy. The idea of using 'dread' on the website, of joking around about another girlfriend or disappearing so she'll think you are cheating to scare her into performing sexually or being more submissive or whatever seems kind of anti-thetical to Christianity. One of the posts on the forum said the author of the book was an atheist, so I guess that makes sense.

There is probably some useful stuff on the website, but with anything like that you have to pick and choose. The website had some profanity on it, too.

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

My viewpoint is that there is no such think as frigid women. Only incompetent men (with no intended reflection on the OP). Wow, and here I am agreeing with Reba! What'dya know?

Now as to the OP ...

Keep in mind that this is just my side of the story and that there are 17 years of history in this marriage so I'm sure there are other contributing factors but I believe this is a fair representation of the problem in a nutshell. Any thoughts are welcome and more importantly, your prayers are appreciated.

I'm not sure a man in this situation can offer a "fair representation."

Obviously her attitude towards sexual intimacy and even physically showing affection has changed. You mention 15 years as being the break point. Things were fine before that, not so much after. So I would be inclined to think something specific happened two years ago, and I'd also be inclined to believe you probably know what that was. I'd investigate that if I were you. I'd ask myself how I might have influenced that change myself, and if I can eliminate myself from consideration as the trigger for the attitude change, I'd ask myself how I could help her overcome the actual trigger. No offense, but you could have done that without complaining to a public forum in this fashion. You fail to mention one key approach in your post: What are her new needs? I see a lot of things you did to make sure your need got met, and they still failed. How about finding out what she wants?

 

[dinoguy]

Frustr8ed,

I for one would have a better idea of your situation if I had at least some idea of how old you and your wife are. Is she a Christian / Catholic?

And there is another issue here-- this business about her having an imaginary heart condition. Either she knows she does not and is therefore being deceitful, or she thinks she does and is delusional. Neither is good, but having a spouse lie to you constantly is a significant problem in a relationship, no? If she is delusional then looking for a rational explanation for her behavior is probably pointless and she needs to see a psychiatrist.

 

[Total Good Christian]

How long can you live this way?

 

[Comprehender]

Good grief guys... just maybe your not any good at it... or you treat her like she is a stupid child .. grumble at me all day ignore me when i am trying to explain something ... football is more important just now..... walk in the door with a chip on your shoulder because YOU WORK ... then try and cuddle up to me not going happen ..not the way you want...

This is why sometimes I'm not in the mood with my husband.

 

[Comprehender]

Frustr8ed,
4 years is a long time... it's going to take a serious effort to change the momentum, the habits.
But, I believe it can be done - if you and your wife love each other.

I'd suggest you have a deep talk with you wife - expain how you feel, but try to focus on understanding how SHE feels, even if it's tough.
Express how you appreciate many things about her - remind her of how you felt when you met, dated, decided to marry.
Try to put sex out of your mind for a bit - to limit both of your frustration.
Focus on making love to her, emotionally - really listening to her, asking her how she feels & sharing how you feel.
Find ways to connect in other ways - what did you 2 used to like doing together - tennis, dancing, cards - anything.
Discover her love language - how she feels loved most - how love is expressed most meaningful to her... & share with her yours...
1. Spending quality time together
2. Words - especially affirming ones
3. Service
4. Touch - affection
5. Gifts
(Maybe read that book together... "The 5 Love Languages" or another good marriage book.)
Hopefully, you'll reconnect with each other and build back trust and intimacy - but it will likely not happen over night.

I hope the best for you 2!

 

[isthisreallyme]

Oh how I wish what you have said was in fact my truth. You can't drive a car on three wheels. I saved myself for one person, got married at 27 and now entering 31 I have never have an intimate encounter with my husband that I care to remember. I was the fool who put the foundational things first as I thought that I knew the secret to making it last. Man was I wrong, after suffering from ongoing depression for the entire marriage and now facing certain realities such as not bringing kids into this; I am left with nothing. I have approached my husband to leave the marriage but he does not want to. I am reaching the point of really disliking him as a person and on every aspect. Our sexual therapist has identified he has a lower sex drive than i do, but the has all these notions in his head that we cannot get past. I know a marriage is more than sex, but that was something I have always known I would desire greatly.
I feel trapped, hopeless and stupid. The good girl stuff totally did not work for me. And how am I honoring God when I am so unhappy and consumed with this regretful marriage.

 

[isthisreallyme]

The act of copulating is a commandment for the purpose of regenerating but also for the pleasure of bonding. i find it quite a turn off that Paul would say such a thing, especially when he "is how he is". That first statement is very damaging to me!!!!!!

 

[Comprehender]

IsThisReallyMe,
I imagine that it's been really hard - and that you've felt hurt a lot.
My marriage with my husband also has been rocky, & although our reasons are different, I can relate with longing for intimacy.

I honor marriage - especially when childeren are involved.
I believe that it should be given the best efforts at saving it, because I can't help but wonder if we'll attract or be attracted to the same type of relationship until we learn to. (It seems to be God's way of teaching us.)
Still, spirituality - is what it is. You can't fake feeling/spirit.

 

[dinoguy]

The act of copulating is a commandment for the purpose of regenerating but also for the pleasure of bonding. i find it quite a turn off that Paul would say such a thing, especially when he "is how he is". That first statement is very damaging to me!!!!!!

isthisreallyme,

If you are referring to the verse about "it is good for a man to not touch a woman," don't worry about it. As the posters say, it was only his personal opinion and what worked for him at the age he was then.

 

[dinoguy]

Oh how I wish what you have said was in fact my truth. You can't drive a car on three wheels. I saved myself for one person, got married at 27 and now entering 31 I have never have an intimate encounter with my husband that I care to remember. I was the fool who put the foundational things first as I thought that I knew the secret to making it last. Man was I wrong, after suffering from ongoing depression for the entire marriage and now facing certain realities such as not bringing kids into this; I am left with nothing. I have approached my husband to leave the marriage but he does not want to. I am reaching the point of really disliking him as a person and on every aspect. Our sexual therapist has identified he has a lower sex drive than i do, but the has all these notions in his head that we cannot get past. I know a marriage is more than sex, but that was something I have always known I would desire greatly.
I feel trapped, hopeless and stupid. The good girl stuff totally did not work for me. And how am I honoring God when I am so unhappy and consumed with this regretful marriage.

isthisreallyme,

You say you approached your husband about leaving the marriage. Do you mean you asked him if he wanted to divorce you? It makes sense he said no because he is the one who is happy with the situation as it is.
Do you mean you don't want to have kids with him in this bad marriage, or that kids are impossible because you're not having intercourse?
This must be horribly painful for you, and your sense of hopelessness is not unreasonable.
Do you have any close friends you can discuss this with?
You are still young and have time to start a new life with someone who would appreciate you. In that regard the lack of children is a blessing because you won't have to do the "my weekend, his weekend" thing with them and hence have him in your life for another 18 years or whatever.
As a typical male, the idea of one who is not interested in intimacy is inconceivable to me, so I don't know what to say about that.

 

[dinoguy]

What isthisreallyme is describing can't be that rare. More commonly, I would think, a male ignores all the non-Christian, hormone-raging coeds at college because he wants to honor The One by keeping himself for her and then discovers she doesn't care a fig about sex. It can be a bitter pill to swallow and make you feel like you've been a fool.

 

[Mike]

Dinoguy, this is kind of a mix of a post as an admin and one of just a married man. I deleted a few posts by you in another thread in which you espoused the same sentiment as you did here and hoped you'd get the message. It seems you have a jaded view of woman, specifically within marriage. I believe you need to reevaluate your bias against their typical approach toward this commitment.

As your stance is presented here on CFnet, I urge you not to turn threads on your opinion of them. Most woman I know, including my wife, are fully committed to mutual edification in their marriages; certainty no less than their husbands. Please discontinue implying something you can't know by a few posts.

Thank you.

 

[dinoguy]

I think I've figured out why there is such a disconnect between what I have described re lack of female libido and everyone else's experience-- the vast majority of you are much younger than I. From the perspective of a young married person what I have been saying seems inconceivable, and it was wrong of me to even bring it up.

My apologies.