Christ_empowered
Member
maybe?
crises do happen. Jesus warns us that we will encounter trouble in this fallen world. that and have no worry for the morrow, for each day has evil enough of its own. ok, so...yes. getting it. thing is...
my pre-Jesus and pre-Jesus bringing much needed (!) -deliverance- life was so...chaotic, pointless, on the edge...that I think its taking me time to not...
somehow think of things in terms of DRAMA! TRAUMA! blah blah blah.
no drugs, no drinking. loads of vitamins and antioxidants, which...honestly, I -do- think that the Orthomolecular (high dose vitamins and antioxidants) approach is helpful...now that I've been made -healthy- . thing is (just a side thought, btw)...
tail end of age 20, I looked like a haggard 25 year old and I was fully expected to be dead within 2 years. elevated liver enzymes, irreversible hair loss, tooth problems, obvious brain damage, irreversible premature aging, and...
yeah. I'm 37, now. oh, and I tested + for HV at age 20. never offered standard treatment, never pursued it, either. I mean...options vary in different places, but here in red state USA, the public health offerings for HIV+ poor people usually involve the older, cheaper, and (sadly) more -toxic- options. ugh. sad fact? the state offers better treatment for HIV+ people in the state -prisons- than for the free range poor people thru public health. ugh. moving on...
so, yeah. I'd like to get my mind out of DRAMA! TRAUMA! (recovery, repeat)...somehow...
and praise The Lord for bringing me -so very far- in Christ, over less than 10 years of true, genuine repentance and faith in Him. Imperfect? Yes! I don't mean that in a false humility way, just...trying to be honest with myself and others, which is sometimes (often?) easier on this forum than elsewhere. OK...
so, I live in a nice, modest, safe and comfortable condo/apartment place my parents were thankfully able to buy 3 years ago. seriously: they struggled on that upward climb, and The Lord has changed me so...
how do I put it? I cannot work and support myself. I have a label of "Schizophrenia," which...I dunno...is kind of irrelevant, now. with or without the "miracle meds," I don't really hear voices or get mad paranoia or...yeah. that's The Lord's work in my life...I think of it as deliverance, or the older concept of full-human, soteria-style salvation. moving on...
but, yeah...the label. I prayed and prayed for an exit from the clinic and from the psych industry, and...
well, gratitude and growth and His work in me and...yeah. I'm actually better to others and more normal in many respects with the "Schizophrenia" label than I ever was when I was -actually- hearing voices, on edge, anxious, moody, and then led down the path to destruction by the "helping industry." ugh. happens, it seems.
so what to make of it? His ways are higher than my ways...
first, the label was applied by my long suffering, but understandably about to give up, parents. oh. now he has Schizophrenia. that was shortly after I got truly saved. and...now?
everyone's life has limitations. It isn't so much that a mystery mental ailment limits my life so much as it is...my own past, the sins and satan and self and the world, etc...plus social stuff and...blah blah blah....
but The Lord -has- seen fit to use the label of "Schizophrenia" so I can be in the family and grow in Him and...???
It just...gets frustrating...this idea that that I have a mysterious ailment that requires never-ending treatment, etc. also...not a fan of the mental health industry, obviously. I even stopped dealing with the person who places patients in different work or volunteer spots, because...tired of it. she seems professional enough, usually, its just...
-shrug- I'm down to a counselling appointment every 6-8 weeks and med checks a bit less frequently than that. actually, my psych nurse lady rolled out...plenty of monie$ to be made elsewhere, with less severe cases, all that. i guess....more power to her? -shrug- I hope my next prescriber is kind of like her...mix of knowledge with enough warmth and professionalism so I feel like I'm dealing with a professional who is also a -human being- , not the mind games and aloof distance of psychiatrists. something like that, anyway.
did I mention that now that I'm 37, healthy, of sound mind even with (despite?) the label of "Schizophrenia" out there in the fallen world...
I'm beginning to suspect that God has been moving in my life, all along? is that Biblically sound? because if I'd been tolerated enough to get a degree from that school...I'd be a 120 IQ, aging, sassy flamer cubicle dweller, trapped in my own self-(everything) and headed for destruction like everybody else. and I wouldn't be...I dunno, I guess I'm actually -commanded- to put aside what is behind and press forward, aren't I? better not to look back, after all...
its just so strange, sometimes. not to complain, not at all. statement of fact, really. had all those state hospital style brain operations (not voluntary...oddly enough, private places...brain damage is brain damage is brain damage, though...) and now...
"Schizophrenia" ? "high IQ" ? before it was "severe narcissistic personality disorder" and all this junk and...ugh. ugh. right around the time I got saved I think the IQ estimate was up to 120 or so, again, but it was...broken shell of who and what I had been, basically. now, I'm supposedly "Schizophrenic," and all that jazz, with the "high IQ" and...
ugh. truth? I'm easing off my tranquilizer. its not that I'm anti-doing something, its that my concentration was going way down and the low mood and such were getting to me...I prayed and prayed on it, now I've been more or less smooth sailing. and...now, I'm actually -less fearful- and my thoughts aren't looping and dark as often and I do better, socially. I do continue the high/massive dose vitamin protocol, though, which...
-shrug- I kind of think a lot of psych drugs are more for -other people- than for me. low status, find a way to shut the person up. "antidepressants" are often used to simmer down angry people and treat "oppositional defiant disorder" kids, for example. "antipsychotics..." extreme example. those are used by vets to calm potentially dangerous animals and also in people on ventilators, so they'll simmer and be calm and not be bothered by all the tubes in and out of their bodies. ugh. and now we know...
rambling, rambling, its...odd, actually. im not angry or angsty or troubled or anything, just....a dip here, bump there...life in Christ and not on the mind numbing crazy meds....
steady going now, actually. God's timing? something like that. thanks for reading.
crises do happen. Jesus warns us that we will encounter trouble in this fallen world. that and have no worry for the morrow, for each day has evil enough of its own. ok, so...yes. getting it. thing is...
my pre-Jesus and pre-Jesus bringing much needed (!) -deliverance- life was so...chaotic, pointless, on the edge...that I think its taking me time to not...
somehow think of things in terms of DRAMA! TRAUMA! blah blah blah.
no drugs, no drinking. loads of vitamins and antioxidants, which...honestly, I -do- think that the Orthomolecular (high dose vitamins and antioxidants) approach is helpful...now that I've been made -healthy- . thing is (just a side thought, btw)...
tail end of age 20, I looked like a haggard 25 year old and I was fully expected to be dead within 2 years. elevated liver enzymes, irreversible hair loss, tooth problems, obvious brain damage, irreversible premature aging, and...
yeah. I'm 37, now. oh, and I tested + for HV at age 20. never offered standard treatment, never pursued it, either. I mean...options vary in different places, but here in red state USA, the public health offerings for HIV+ poor people usually involve the older, cheaper, and (sadly) more -toxic- options. ugh. sad fact? the state offers better treatment for HIV+ people in the state -prisons- than for the free range poor people thru public health. ugh. moving on...
so, yeah. I'd like to get my mind out of DRAMA! TRAUMA! (recovery, repeat)...somehow...
and praise The Lord for bringing me -so very far- in Christ, over less than 10 years of true, genuine repentance and faith in Him. Imperfect? Yes! I don't mean that in a false humility way, just...trying to be honest with myself and others, which is sometimes (often?) easier on this forum than elsewhere. OK...
so, I live in a nice, modest, safe and comfortable condo/apartment place my parents were thankfully able to buy 3 years ago. seriously: they struggled on that upward climb, and The Lord has changed me so...
how do I put it? I cannot work and support myself. I have a label of "Schizophrenia," which...I dunno...is kind of irrelevant, now. with or without the "miracle meds," I don't really hear voices or get mad paranoia or...yeah. that's The Lord's work in my life...I think of it as deliverance, or the older concept of full-human, soteria-style salvation. moving on...
but, yeah...the label. I prayed and prayed for an exit from the clinic and from the psych industry, and...
well, gratitude and growth and His work in me and...yeah. I'm actually better to others and more normal in many respects with the "Schizophrenia" label than I ever was when I was -actually- hearing voices, on edge, anxious, moody, and then led down the path to destruction by the "helping industry." ugh. happens, it seems.
so what to make of it? His ways are higher than my ways...
first, the label was applied by my long suffering, but understandably about to give up, parents. oh. now he has Schizophrenia. that was shortly after I got truly saved. and...now?
everyone's life has limitations. It isn't so much that a mystery mental ailment limits my life so much as it is...my own past, the sins and satan and self and the world, etc...plus social stuff and...blah blah blah....
but The Lord -has- seen fit to use the label of "Schizophrenia" so I can be in the family and grow in Him and...???
It just...gets frustrating...this idea that that I have a mysterious ailment that requires never-ending treatment, etc. also...not a fan of the mental health industry, obviously. I even stopped dealing with the person who places patients in different work or volunteer spots, because...tired of it. she seems professional enough, usually, its just...
-shrug- I'm down to a counselling appointment every 6-8 weeks and med checks a bit less frequently than that. actually, my psych nurse lady rolled out...plenty of monie$ to be made elsewhere, with less severe cases, all that. i guess....more power to her? -shrug- I hope my next prescriber is kind of like her...mix of knowledge with enough warmth and professionalism so I feel like I'm dealing with a professional who is also a -human being- , not the mind games and aloof distance of psychiatrists. something like that, anyway.
did I mention that now that I'm 37, healthy, of sound mind even with (despite?) the label of "Schizophrenia" out there in the fallen world...
I'm beginning to suspect that God has been moving in my life, all along? is that Biblically sound? because if I'd been tolerated enough to get a degree from that school...I'd be a 120 IQ, aging, sassy flamer cubicle dweller, trapped in my own self-(everything) and headed for destruction like everybody else. and I wouldn't be...I dunno, I guess I'm actually -commanded- to put aside what is behind and press forward, aren't I? better not to look back, after all...
its just so strange, sometimes. not to complain, not at all. statement of fact, really. had all those state hospital style brain operations (not voluntary...oddly enough, private places...brain damage is brain damage is brain damage, though...) and now...
"Schizophrenia" ? "high IQ" ? before it was "severe narcissistic personality disorder" and all this junk and...ugh. ugh. right around the time I got saved I think the IQ estimate was up to 120 or so, again, but it was...broken shell of who and what I had been, basically. now, I'm supposedly "Schizophrenic," and all that jazz, with the "high IQ" and...
ugh. truth? I'm easing off my tranquilizer. its not that I'm anti-doing something, its that my concentration was going way down and the low mood and such were getting to me...I prayed and prayed on it, now I've been more or less smooth sailing. and...now, I'm actually -less fearful- and my thoughts aren't looping and dark as often and I do better, socially. I do continue the high/massive dose vitamin protocol, though, which...
-shrug- I kind of think a lot of psych drugs are more for -other people- than for me. low status, find a way to shut the person up. "antidepressants" are often used to simmer down angry people and treat "oppositional defiant disorder" kids, for example. "antipsychotics..." extreme example. those are used by vets to calm potentially dangerous animals and also in people on ventilators, so they'll simmer and be calm and not be bothered by all the tubes in and out of their bodies. ugh. and now we know...
rambling, rambling, its...odd, actually. im not angry or angsty or troubled or anything, just....a dip here, bump there...life in Christ and not on the mind numbing crazy meds....
steady going now, actually. God's timing? something like that. thanks for reading.
.