[ Testimony ] Out of brain damage (long-ish)

[Christ_empowered]

I **keep** posting my story, over and over. I think if I put it all down in the testimony section--a relatively short and sweet version of it--I can get it all out and move on. Plus, it gives glory to God and (hopefully) hope to other Christians.

OK. I was awkward and weird as a kid. Strange, middle- upper middle-class upbringing (comfortable, family "issues," very little social interaction). I was tagged as being (pre)"gay" at an early age. I think part of the problem was that I'm kind of pretty (especially true as a child) and introverted.

Now, as a teenager, I had to see a shrink. Mood swings, mild voices, etc. Lots of drugs, some of them addictive. Dropped out of of school at 19, largely because the pills had me slowed down (of course, the shrinks say its because of my "mental illness" or "personality disorder").

At 20, landed in an overpriced, private mental hospital following a more or less unintentional OD on valium-type pills. I was also hooked on a rather large Adderall (prescription amphetamine) Rx from a not-so-great psychiatrist (notice a pattern here?).

I didn't realize this until a few years later, but I was given some heavy, involuntary electroshock. I think they thought it was an amphetamine overdose. Or maybe they just wanted to shock me. Who knows? Caused a lot of brain damage. The mental hospital let me go without bathing, treated me like dirt, I was subjected to all kinds of psychiatric mistreatment. They told me I had ADD and minor depression, even though I told them I've always had a problem with voices. The real diagnosis was "Narcissistic Personality Disorder," and I was deemed a hopeless case.

I lived in a small college town with some friends. I was basically a prematurely aged, ex-pill head, brain damaged loser, living off his parents and a small, low-wage, very part-time job. I was crazy, too--hearing voices, agitated, that kind of thing. Not on any meds at all. There were confidentiality problems. I was the narcissist who'd fried his brain because he wanted to be crazy. I was also homosexual, which made things lots and lots of fun. Gay dudes, in particular, loved to spread rumors about me.

23. Back in another town (same state), doing school again. Protracted break down. Voices. No meds, except for some Valium-type pills I got from a family doctor to control agitation. I had extremely high blood pressure, tics, etc. Everyone was cruel to me. My family hated me. I was bashed on the head during a botched mugging (the attackers ran away once a car came down the street).

Thing is...I heard a *meaningful* voice during all this, right before I got bashed on the head. The soft, soothing voice said that I'd "sold my soul for cheap pils," but also said "it just wasn't fair. You get another chance, but you have to crawl your way back into humanity."

I was sedated by an EMT, put into an ambulance, and I woke up in a mental hospital. I was apparently given pretty intense, involuntary electroshock (again). The diagnosis was still "narcissism." My madness was apparently caused by a weak ego structure, blah blah blah...psychobabble, I think.

Cool thing: they do brain scans at this mental hospital, especially if you have a head injury. I apparently had, at that point, something called "transcendent intelligence," a form of intelligence that (thank God) doesn't require brain cells to operate. I guess that's all the more reason to torment someone, right?

I lived with my parents, in a sort of drugged up haze. My dad, in particular, hated me. Why can't you get a job? Why are you such a brain damaged loser? One day, after he tried to have me sent to another mental hospital, I snapped. I grabbed a garden claw and cut his forearms.

I was in jail for 7 months. 23 hour lockdown, since I had mental problems. The charge was "Assault and Battery of a High and Aggravated Nature," which is/was a "High misdemeanor" in my state (the laws may have changed).

God came through for me. The prosecutor agreed to let me go to a 12 month, Christian, all male rehab. Then I'd have to do community service and counseling. After that, the charges would be dismissed, and I could have my arrest record expunged (erased).

I was 24, almost 25. Christian Rehab ("Jesus Camp"), was difficult, but I finally became a man (my social isolation, mental problems, etc. had made that impossible before). I became less stupid. A haze started to lift.

I stayed in that state--near my parents--to live for 1 year while I finished up the rest of the plea deal. I did everything asked of me, and so I now have a squeaky clean criminal+arrest record. I haven't even gotten a traffic ticket since "Jesus Camp."

My progress after "Jesus Camp" has been less obviously dramatic--no crimes and plea deals, no dramatic conversions--but it has been incredible. My brain damage seems to have worn off or...something. My mental issues are easily controlled with 1 Abilify tablet, occasional counseling (my counselor is a Christian, thank God), and I'm also getting with vocational rehab so I can get a job, now that the crazy- and brain damaged-haze has lifted (and I continue to imprive, thanks God).

My parents forgave me. There will always be some distance there, I think, a sort of "why did you do that?" feeling, but...we're a pretty tight family unit.

I'm transitioning out of homosexuality. I'm not completely ex-gay, but once my mental issues, brain damage, and lack of character (and, honestly, personality) resolved, I started to lose interest. At the very least, my feelings and behaviors have become decidedly less compulsive. I can control myself better.

I'm back in the general area of my hometown (cluster of small towns, cities, etc.). I've transformed so much that people are talking about it. 28 years old...no longer effeminate, no longer stupid, no longer prematurely aged, no longer such a wretch. I'm no longer The Village Idiot, no longer The Whipping Boy, the person the whole community projects their problems onto. I'm moving out of being the ultimate outcast and into being...a member of the community, hopefully.

There's been some spiritual warfare, inside and outside of me. Former shrinks tried to have me committed. Apparently, since I'm not a brain damaged vegetable and I had the audacity to call the medical board on them and tell them to leave me alone and stop violating confidentiality, I'm a major threat to them and society at large. There have been 2 attempted commitments that I know of. One required a psychiatric evaluation, which I passed. The other one, they tried to bypass my current shrink and they went straight to court. They were shot down (thank God!).

The spiritual warfare is ongoing, but I believe--and hope, and pray--that I'm on God's side in all this, and that He will protect me. I don't think He brought me this far to destroy me. My older, Pentecostal friend tells me that I'm "a miracle," and I sometimes believe her.

People do talk. There's plastic surgery rumors, there's rumors of experimental treatment for narcissism, there's rumors that I'm a danger to society, blah blah blah. This is what happens when you have the audacity to keep pushing and talk back to the psychiatric establishment, I guess. God wouldn't let them destroy me, so they feel they must make stuff up.

Oh well. I'm moving on. I'm near my (well-connected) family. I'm doing vocational rehab. I'm a decent patient, you know? Minimal meds, little bit of counseling, trying to get things straight to get back into society. This must be what "crawling your way back into humanity" involves, right?

So, the psychiatric story--from the mental health people who actually care about me and my well-being, and want to do their jobs--is that I'm in "recovery." The mental problems have waned in intensity, and I'm "high functioning." Awesome. The old shrinks have stories about "breaking through narcissistic defenses" and "malignant narcissism," but I think fewer and fewer people are listening, and fewer and fewer people care.

I'm having doubts. Still praying. I'm definitely a work-in-progress, full of sins, flaws, self-love, pride, laziness, gluttony, sodomy...all that fun stuff that makes life miserable and cuts you off from God. Working on it.

God's brought me through so much. I hope that, if you made it through this testimony, it added something to your life and your faith. Just remember: wretched, burned out pill heads are people. Self-absorbed people are humans. Schizophrenics are definitely humans in need of help, care, mercy, and salvation. "Mental health" isn't always all that helpful. Sometimes, mental health people destroy people, and a lot of us (through no fault of our own) sit back and let it happen. 1950s style psychiatry ain't over. Its no fun being crazy, which is why I'm so glad God delivered me.

 

[God's_gift]

Thanks for sharing CE , your life testimony will inpire many lives in the present and inthe future in this site ....God bless

 

[Mike S]

Life has given you a lot to deal with c_e, but it sounds like you're learning how to overcome it. Keep searching for a deeper relationship with God, He will meet you at the point of your needs, and guide you.

We'll keep praying.

 

[Hitch]

I wish I could go through some of that for you; But I wouldnt do nearly so well.

 

[Christ_empowered]

Thanks for the replies. Some of this stuff seems painful, and it was, but one of the great things about being a Christian....there was (is) a point, afterall. Brain damage wore off, character was developed, morality was learned.