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Possibly Taking our Son's Girlfriend In

Mike

Mike

Member
This is not a perfect situation, but we feel it's the best option. Our son will be 21 next week, and his girlfriend is 20. They've been together a few years and talk like marriage is inevitable, but God only knows. He goes to college about 3 hours away. His girlfriend lives at home with her mother and sister (18). Dad is out of the picture. Mom has not a maternal fiber in her body.

Her mom seems to have never supported her growth. She's never supported a college education or even to get a job. She works as a EMT for an ambulance service, does a lot of overtime, and refuses to help her 20 year old daughter get to work, even if she's at home and can do it. We get her to & from work. Mom put the car she drives in this girl's name, but her daughters are never allowed to use it. Pretty whack, but that's not the half of it.

About three weeks ago, a guy showed up at their door while the girlfriend was home alone and served an eviction notice. Mom apparently was not surprised. She told her daughters with no assistance or guidance, they had a month to find a place to go. She's done, and they're on their own.

So, with our son away at school, we are planning to take her in. She is a sweet girl. We honestly love her. She's never had the guidance and support a teenager should have. That plays a roll in her inability to support herself. She goes to school at the community college with a less than full schedule and works part time at a department store. There appear to be no other manageable options.

Are we crazy for doing this?
 
Mike said:
This is not a perfect situation, but we feel it's the best option. Our son will be 21 next week, and his girlfriend is 20. They've been together a few years and talk like marriage is inevitable, but God only knows. He goes to college about 3 hours away. His girlfriend lives at home with her mother and sister (18). Dad is out of the picture. Mom has not a maternal fiber in her body.

Her mom seems to have never supported her growth. She's never supported a college education or even to get a job. She works as a EMT for an ambulance service, does a lot of overtime, and refuses to help her 20 year old daughter get to work, even if she's at home and can do it. We get her to & from work. Mom put the car she drives in this girl's name, but her daughters are never allowed to use it. Pretty whack, but that's not the half of it.

About three weeks ago, a guy showed up at their door while the girlfriend was home alone and served an eviction notice. Mom apparently was not surprised. She told her daughters with no assistance or guidance, they had a month to find a place to go. She's done, and they're on their own.

So, with our son away at school, we are planning to take her in. She is a sweet girl. We honestly love her. She's never had the guidance and support a teenager should have. That plays a roll in her inability to support herself. She goes to school at the community college with a less than full schedule and works part time at a department store. There appear to be no other manageable options.

Are we crazy for doing this?
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sex, with your son will be one thing to stop. your home, your rules.
 
jasonc said:
sex, with your son will be one thing to stop. your home, your rules.
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Absolutely. They've had plenty of opportunities until now that I pray they've resisted, but it will be greater with this. They both are emphatic that they've vowed celibacy until marriage, but what does a kid tell his parents. He and she most definitely know what our rules are. I don't care how old they are.
 
Mike said:
Absolutely. They've had plenty of opportunities until now that I pray they've resisted, but it will be greater with this. They both are emphatic that they've vowed celibacy until marriage, but what does a kid tell his parents. He and she most definitely know what our rules are. I don't care how old they are.
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hormones are strong at that age , an with this way more then we think at the time.
 
Mike said:
Absolutely. They've had plenty of opportunities until now that I pray they've resisted, but it will be greater with this. They both are emphatic that they've vowed celibacy until marriage, but what does a kid tell his parents. He and she most definitely know what our rules are. I don't care how old they are.
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I think it is a great idea and a very giving thing to do. You and your wife will be able to help her in many ways if she will let you. When you live with someone you really get to know each other and bound as a family. We will pray for all of you.
 
Of course in my parents ears and eyes I was a PERFECT gentleman. But realistically nothing was further from the truth.

The question isn't whether you should do something but what that something is.
Of course you should do something.

Do you have a separate bedroom for her?
Is it one next to your room?

Do you know of another neighbor or family friends who have an extra room she can use?

The fiancé thing....yeah...well unless there are is a ring and a set date I'm going to call male bovine manure.

But that doesn't negate the need for her to have a good relationship with adult parents... especially of her boyfriend.

So...in short no answers but a different perspective. And EMTs...you really don't want to know what I know about the ones I know personally.
 
Her being your son's girlfriend does add another layer of difficulty to the situation, but if she is trustworthy, and you have an extra room for her to stay in then I really don't see a problem with this. It doesn't sound like your son spends a whole lot of time at home currently, since he is away at college most of the time, but when he is home it would be incumbent upon you to make sure they don't spend any time alone. There really isn't any reason for them to need alone time until they are married (if that is truly their goal).

Ultimately, this is an opportunity for you to show God's mercy and grace to someone in need. We will pray that God blesses you in this situation.
 
Thanks for the feedback. We learned about this about a week ago, and I've been in prayer about it a lot. Thinking about all the factors consciously and even when I don't realize I'm thinking about it. It's no small thing.

We have a room she can use, since our daughters agreed to share a room. Our older daughter and her have come to be good friends, and they've talked about getting an apartment together next year. All of our rooms are upstairs.

Believe me, if there were another option, it would be in the center of the table. As it is, this is the only one on the table. It's important to me that we work diligently with her to mature where she needs to after being held back by her mother. She needs encouragement to reach for her potential. I don't want her to simply be idle while she waits for Joshua to finish school, and I don't want him to let this derail his goals.

I have to balance being sensitive to how emotional and stressful this is for her with an expectation we'd have if she were our daughter. That means helping out around the house, committing to school if that's what she's led to do, and working to establish a savings account. If she is to be our daughter in law one day, I want her to be a viable contributor to their marriage; not only a wife who depends on her husband for everything. She's got some ground to make up in a few areas. Especially for a girl who hasn't had a father in the house or a supportive mother, it's very important that we model what how husband's and wives see to each other's needs AND the needs of their children. Of course, the very most important thing is a Christ centered home.

sparrow my friend, you've been down this road. If I'm missing anything glaring, be a brother and let me know.
 
There is a fine line here Mike but it seems you are balanced fairly well. To an extent, one does not want to "enable," a person by being a "lifeline," to prevent them from being accountable for their own actions; and to a measure, one should exercise caution in a situation such as this. You would not want to grant the young lady the idea that she need not be responsible or accountable for herself, eh? However, I would think that as long as she is doing the things she needs to do within her control as you stated, like holding a job and making effort to put herself in a better position then it is not enabling. I think you are making both a prudent and compassionate move here brother. It will give the young lady opportunity to see a proper family dynamic and stewardship; as well as getting the emotional support necessary for her to develop a healthy worldview in relation to herself and accountability. I would simply be sure you set a clear format for her as far as financial stewardship and priority planning; lest she just grow comfortable and become hardened to accountability. As you said, a great onus of responsibility here falls in her parent's lap for failing to nurture the proper attitudes, principles, and emotionally healthy environment; so to an extent, she hasn't been given a "fair shake," so to speak. If you ever feel like taking on another boarder though...LOL..I'm quite welcome to the idea of paying less rent and having transportation provided! HA HA!
 
So far it looks like you're going about this quite well. Encourage your son to make it official and propose though the wedding should probably wait until he's got his degree.

Mark
 
SHINY4UJESUS your response was chalk full of truth and very important things to consider. Not a sentence was wasted. Finding the balance between establishing expectations that she hasn't had to this point, giving her purpose & direction, and fostering a sense of safety & security is going to be the greatest test of our parenting skills we've had.

My wife gave birth to our son. We were foster parents, cared for our two girls, and eventually adopted them. They were first placed with us by the county at ages 18 months & 3 years. We know a little about making up lost ground after poor parenting. Getting a 20 year old back on track and rethinking what responsibility is will take so much more.

sparrow we're really going to see about our daughter and this young lady getting an apartment together sooner rather than later, but this won't happen until next fall at the soonest. While having her live with us won't be a brief stay, I'm thinking of it as a long-term temporary arrangement. With that, I'm less inclined to rush him into making an engagement official. He has a few years until he gets his degree, and my concern is that putting a ring on her finger might make them feel a little more at liberty to "do what married people do".

I'm praying my way through this season God has given to us that we never saw coming. If we navigate well through this, it will be Him, not us, that makes it work.
 
Right. A big part of believers being a "living daily ministry," is simply using the life experiences God has granted us to impact lives for the kingdom. I can appreciate how your past has put you in a good position to undertake this. That is similarly why I have such a passion for restoration ministry to the backslider. I had many a season of struggle in years past, battling the demons of self-condemnation and external condemnation from others based on my inability to meet the local Body's "accepted," measure of authenticity as I struggled with issues in my walk. Since I have seen a bit more closely how things can affect a person's emotional, mental and spiritual state; and since I can intimately relate to the specific things a backslider encounters-it has put me in a uniquely capable position to minister to Christians experiencing the issue at hand. It is like the parable of talents; God has given each person a certain "measure," of experiences and lessons in life to invest towrds Kingdom purpose. Praise God that you have the willingness and presence of mind to do so.
 
LOL IKR?? Most non-Christians think we are crazy believing in Jesus too...the Pharisees thought He was crazy for teaching what He taught...many in the disciples' time thought the disciples were crazy for being dedicated to the point of death. Ironically I think Christianity requires a certain bit of "looney," haha!
 
Well, here we go. Day 1 and first night with our new arrangement that seems more like it's out of a Lifetime Channel movie than my real life. Nope. Didn't draw it up this way. And today was our son's 21st birthday.

Lord, You are a God of adventure. Just when I think I have it figured out... :dancing
 
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Well...day one. You almost had them all out of the house.
But getting your son to visit more by capturing his girlfriend is a great idea.

I think I might try that. :lol
 
JohnDB said:
Well...day one. You almost had them all out of the house.
But getting your son to visit more by capturing his girlfriend is a great idea.

I think I might try that. :lol
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You're on to me. Ha ha! When he walks in the door, home for the weekend, I'm like "You again?". :wink
 
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