[__ Prayer __] prayer, please :-)

[Christ_empowered]

not an emergency-type prayer request. nothing wrong with those...I imagine every believer hits crisis points. Not the issue. Its just...

-sigh- by His grace, I seem to be...not at a crisis point. And also...not in a point where the only thing that is noticeable is the lack of trauma and drama. as in...

9 years into knowing Jesus, I seem to have a rather peaceful, quiet, yet meaningful and relatively crisis- and drama-free life. Praise God! and not just for me (although, clearly, I enjoy this), but also for my (Long suffering, hard working) parents, too.

so...my dad is kind to me. -miracle- he wasn't the problem, its just...wow. wow. for us to have a good, solid relationship is...miracle for me, at least. act of God, probably a better way of putting it. and then...

mama's doing well. retirement has been a huge blessing, that along with volunteering and some (re)connecting with her family. And now...


"Schizophrenia," so...there's that. funny thing? hallucinations...not such a problem. mood swings..not really. agitation? far less pronounced. and yet...

the label is being pushed and pressed on me, more and more...even as I become demonstrably, fairly obviously...more lucid and "of sound mind..." ugh. OK.

not to complain. part of this prayer...I suppose is for God's will for me and also for me to lean more on and into Him, to bear up under (the relatively minor, all things considered) junk that comes my way. as in...

"his parents -cannot- support him" and/or "he needs to be -in a group home- " and/or "he's spent too much money already. he should be in the state hospital..." on and on and on.


psychological explanations fail. shame, condemnation...are still there, but The Lord is working and has worked. Part of it...He's made me healthy and more normal, which is quite helpful in dealing with a relatively normal(ish) day to day life, junk and taunts included. and then...

i dunno. I hear "he's too old" and "he should have been on his meds, " and...yeah. apparently I was given all kinds of shock "treatment" (not voluntary) because I was "non-compliant" not on "meds" and...

a brain scan showed that I should be paralyzed and on a ventilator. psychiatry, in action. ugh. did i mention that my parents and their insurance company had to pay for that ridiculous "treatment" ? yeah...

so, "Schizophrenia." I don't know why I'm treated with such contempt. is it...psychiatry, in particular? maybe? the private practice shrinks can't get $$$ out of me, now. parents are --not-- rich, but...well to do (ish), so I guess the lower rungs of upper class? they were middle class, back in the day, so it was like...

good insurance, adequate resources...bleed dry, laugh about it. now, they have the resources and clout to push back, so...I get to do as I please, breeze into a community mental health clinic for outpatient med checks and occasional counseling, and...


yeah. oh, and I pursued legal action against shrinks. probably...not the best idea, I see now. then again...I shouldn't have been prescribed high doses of uppers and sedatives and then labeled a drug abuser and expected to pay out of pocket for more and more unending "treatment." blah. happens, I think...to other people, as well. question, though: where are those other people? --shudder--

I am taunted, a lot. legal troubles back in the day, psych junk, general...failure, at life. got saved over 9 years ago, and now...


"high IQ. too old, gets chemical peels. upper class hippy parents..." blah. I dunno. I'm 37, which...too old to really entertain the thought of getting/completing a degree or being able to support myself, all that, but...??? I have been made healthy. no chemical peels, so I guess I can take the put down as a sort of unintentional compliment?

life is going on, day by day, in Christ. I try not to think about the past. As I get more memories back, somehow (I thought they'd been fried out by shock?), I try to take it...not as a pity party, but more like...yup. God is Good. plus...now, in what honestly feels like the beginning of my real life in Christ (9 years in...is that sound thinking, biblically?)...

-shrug- lots of people have hard lives. and now?

Its...odd, to me...that when I was a pill popping prematurely aging, fool of flamer....

-not- this much open contempt. perhaps...that's part of it, too? John 15:19 springs to mind (and my other tab, in Google ). so...its real, isn't it? faith, conversion, sanctification...


and He is real, too, isn't He? Jesus, of course. Perhaps...well, yes, ALL good things come from The Lord....true for all believers, I think to a certain extent all human beings (Matthew 5:44-46, onwards...) .


I read somewhere...skimmed, really, a Catholic website (it even had a priest or somebody's seal of approval??!)...that what the Catholics call miracles often happen to build faith and even to guide those with no faith to Jesus. Of course, they strongly hinted that those who receive such miracles would be -well advised- to join up with the Catholic church, but...


point remains. maybe that's why things are coming together, despite (me, the evil one and and his minions, everything), at age 37?

please keep my parents and me up in prayer. thanks.

 

[christian1724]

Maybe you shouldn't concern yourself so much with what others are (or might be) thinking of you. Doing what you believe to be right to the best of your ability is all that can be expected of anyone.

I pray that God gives you (continues to give you) the ability to discern Truth so that you may know the proper paths according to His leading. Your parents are surely doing the same. May God bless them.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks! really. truly. not trying to sound like I'm not....thankful. lol. its just...hard to convey these things on The Internet.

"...heart of -flesh- not of -stone- ..."

As my journey in Christ continues -- which, -thankfully- involves "recovery" (poorly defined concept, but...yeah...recovery...) -- I find that this is a work of God, but...

yeah, it occurs day to day thru prosaic, sometimes less hum drum, means. I know, I know; fairly obvious. -sigh- I'm just...increasingly thankful to have a decent, increasingly moral life in Christ, and..yeah. my counselor told me, years ago (thankfully, I've had the same counselor for years now...not the same prescribers...) that I'd been way, way, way out of it, so just...don't worry too much about doctrine and absolute truth and do...life, now.

probably should have -listened- . Thankfully, God is Love and God is merciful. About the same time that a long time elderly long distance Christian friend dropped me, my parents warmed up to me, big time...

and so did a long term friendly acquaintance (she'll call me a "Friend," but she means that loosely...I think of her as a "Friendly acquaintance," because I think that's more accurate...). and....and...


yeah, its..life, happening. for me, at long last. my parents are -wonderful- people. And...they're tolerant and...yeah. Schizophrenia is...not all doom and gloom, thanks to Jesus and His work in our lives. I really can't handle a job. I went completely insane at 23, and I was shocked (again...ugh...) and I think there was some kind of brain operation, so...what fun. anyway...

yeah, at 37...the label is kind of lame and un-fun, but...what's the alternative? can't support myself. even if I could get a job, its...its not that I get angry and such, just...confused. and...overwhelmed by stimuli. and...I'm also labeled and such (long story), so even though I've been drug free for nearly 15 years now and don't even drink, healthy, I somehow have a high IQ estimate (no, really)...

the world waits for no one. and, with my set of...problems...my "world" is smaller than most peoples', in many respects...I'm learning to accept that, not with some sort of show of resignation or whatever, but just...

everyone's lives have limitations. By the grace of God, my parents have seen fit to lift me out of real poverty, and I'm close to them and more normal (in ways that matter....maybe there's a better word?), and reality is seeming more and more...-there-, in my face and in my mind, not some hazy, wavy thing -out there- (how else to describe it?), and...

yeah. besides, truth be told..."mental illness" may not be a biologically rooted entity (no proof yet, anyway), but..."play the hand you're dealt." can't work, too old to get into a 2 or 4 year program, and...

the concept of "mental illness" is what I have to work with, socially. I dunno. The label has been applied, its part of my social identity (perhaps it -is- my social identity?), it isn't...the core of who I am, really and truly. then again...

no one truly knows a human being except for God. He sees us all, thru and thru, inside and out. -shrug-

sorry to ramble. I just...I think its strange, how I'm healthy, but the community around me insists that I'm "sick." My parents seem pleased that I'm more meaningful on less psych drugs, lower doses...

and some angry neighbor was yelling out about putting me into a group home. -shrug- world I live in? "Play the hand you're dealt..."

ok. thanks again.