Reasons why women/men stay in abusive relationships

[Kathi]

I think the book provides a little insight into at least some reasons why an abused person might stay in a situation.

That is very important.Some women are prisoners.Some women might pick the same type of man after getting out of the first mess.I had a talk with a women where I used to work.I could tell by the way she carried herself and the way she talked that she was a frightened little kitten.She opened up a little bit but she was scared to death to even cross this man.

 

[Northman]

When my gandfather returned from europe after the war, he returned to his wife and a child that was his but he had never seen before. They moved out west and had many more children. Now i dont know when it started but i have heard enough stories from uncles about them hiding in thier beds staying perfectly still hoping that they wouldnt be the one he chose to beat that night after he came home from the bar. The man never laid a hand on his wife or his daughters, the violence was reserved for his sons. My grandmother never left him, although each of the boys did leave the farm as soon as they were able.

The repair and forgiveness in the family happened before i was even born. What happened between them all was effectual enough that nobody could even tell that anything like that ever happened. Everyone always showed up for holidays and vacations, love abound.

What should have happened? Did what should have happened happen? If the law was involved would there even be a hope of repair? Should strength and mercy/forgiveness not have been shown? This was NOT a family of believers.

While i realize every case needs to be weighed on its own, people who draw bold lines on others better be prepared to have bold lines drawn on what they do...that much is promised from above.

 

[Kathi]

When my gandfather returned from europe after the war, he returned to his wife and a child that was his but he had never seen before. They moved out west and had many more children. Now i dont know when it started but i have heard enough stories from uncles about them hiding in thier beds staying perfectly still hoping that they wouldnt be the one he chose to beat that night after he came home from the bar. The man never laid a hand on his wife or his daughters, the violence was reserved for his sons. My grandmother never left him, although each of the boys did leave the farm as soon as they were able.

The repair and forgiveness in the family happened before i was even born. What happened between them all was effectual enough that nobody could even tell that anything like that ever happened. Everyone always showed up for holidays and vacations, love abound.

What should have happened? Did what should have happened happen? If the law was involved would there even be a hope of repair? Should strength and mercy/forgiveness not have been shown? This was NOT a family of believers.

While i realize every case needs to be weighed on its own, people who draw bold lines on others better be prepared to have bold lines drawn on what they do...that much is promised from above.

That was so long ago and everything was handled differently than today.Alot of people can not tolerate alcohol and it changes their personality and they turn mean.I used to have an aunt like that.
A Christian home would have handled it differently than an unbelieving home.

 

[Obadiah]

There was another good book I read years ago called "Women Who Love Too Much" that went into a lot of the psychological makeup and problems of both the women and the men who abuse them as well as what is needed to break that cycle. (It's not easy and doesn't happen very often.) It was an eye opener for me way back then and gave me a lot of insight to be able to recognize the problem better as well as know how to deal with it when I was in the position to help. A lot of people think only another woman can help an abused woman, but there are ways us guys can help too and we should never assume there's nothing we can do if we see a problem. Of course, there are situations where the man is the abused one too, and they come to light more today than in the past. But by and large because of the physical differences, women are the most common victims. We all need to be aware of the problem and stand ready to help when God puts us in that situation.

 

[Kathi]

There was another good book I read years ago called "Women Who Love Too Much" that went into a lot of the psychological makeup and problems of both the women and the men who abuse them as well as what is needed to break that cycle. (It's not easy and doesn't happen very often.) It was an eye opener for me way back then and gave me a lot of insight to be able to recognize the problem better as well as know how to deal with it when I was in the position to help. A lot of people think only another woman can help an abused woman, but there are ways us guys can help too and we should never assume there's nothing we can do if we see a problem. Of course, there are situations where the man is the abused one too, and they come to light more today than in the past. But by and large because of the physical differences, women are the most common victims. We all need to be aware of the problem and stand ready to help when God puts us in that situation.

Yes,very good book.I wonder if men can also get into that destructive pattern of looking for and marrying the abusive woman.I know that alot to abusive men look for a certain type of woman.One they can manipulate and control.

 

[Obadiah]

I think it's more common for men to get into relationships with verbally abusive women or women who abuse them in different non-physical ways. From what I've seen in dealing with a lot of family disputes, men tend to be the ones who get physically abusive and women tend to be the ones who are abusive in more non-physical ways. Of course, that means when my involvement in it was to assist the coroner and take a death report, it was almost always the woman who was killed. But then there are exceptions to everything. Let's not forget Lorena Bobitt!

 

[Deborah13]

She is a long story... her first husband she caught with a member of the wedding party everyone blamed the booze she had 2 kids he never stopped cheating... He finally left for another... tried again had 1 child this guy was shot dead in a bar.... # 3 was an abuser ... she moved to be safe... had too many boyfriends ... eventuality married the brother of one of the boyfriends.. 2

Not a life i would want.. Sin is ugly stuff.... It ends up in control .... She would have never married the first if she was not pregnant ...

So sad, it seems like she had very low self-worth and each man in her life verified to her that she was worthless.

 

[Kathi]

I think it's more common for men to get into relationships with verbally abusive women or women who abuse them in different non-physical ways. From what I've seen in dealing with a lot of family disputes, men tend to be the ones who get physically abusive and women tend to be the ones who are abusive in more non-physical ways. Of course, that means when my involvement in it was to assist the coroner and take a death report, it was almost always the woman who was killed. But then there are exceptions to everything. Let's not forget Lorena Bobitt!

Let me tell you that my Xhusband thought the grass was green on the other side he found that is was somewhat parched.His now wife(they married 2 weeks after our divorce was final) is not only a drug addict that he did not know about she almost bit off his finger.It was just hanging by a string.They have separated 3 times but he keeps going back to her.I personally think she has something on him.I think she knows something very important.

 

[reba]

Lorena Bobitt! a hero to some

 

[Obadiah]

Lorena Bobitt! a hero to some

 

[Kathi]

The moral of the story is that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

 

[Obadiah]

Let me tell you that my Xhusband thought the grass was green on the other side he found that is was somewhat parched.His now wife(they married 2 weeks after our divorce was final) is not only a drug addict that he did not know about she almost bit off his finger.It was just hanging by a string.They have separated 3 times but he keeps going back to her.I personally think she has something on him.I think she knows something very important.

Seems that happens on both sides! My ex-wife ran off to cheat with someone else, then divorced me so she could be with him. One day she had to flee with their son because he threw her to the ground and held a gun to her head threatening to kill her. (He was drunk, and it was common for him to get drunk and be abusive.) So she took off and said that was it, she would not put up with that kind of abuse. Then a couple months later she goes right back to him. She didn't leave me because of any kind of abuse at all. Despite being a Christian, she just got bored with me and went looking for something else. I think there is a lot of truth in that some women just tend to want to be with the "bad boy" types, maybe for the excitement of it, all the while just hoping it never gets out of hand. After enough time, she figured out I just wasn't going to be one of the "bad boys", so she went to find one and sticks with him.

 

[Kathi]

Seems that happens on both sides! My ex-wife ran off to cheat with someone else, then divorced me so she could be with him. One day she had to flee with their son because he threw her to the ground and held a gun to her head threatening to kill her. (He was drunk, and it was common for him to get drunk and be abusive.) So she took off and said that was it, she would not put up with that kind of abuse. Then a couple months later she goes right back to him. She didn't leave me because of any kind of abuse at all. Despite being a Christian, she just got bored with me and went looking for something else. I think there is a lot of truth in that some women just tend to want to be with the "bad boy" types, maybe for the excitement of it, all the while just hoping it never gets out of hand. After enough time, she figured out I just wasn't going to be one of the "bad boys", so she went to find one and sticks with him.

Yes,as I came closer to Christ in our marriage my husband couldn't run away fast enough.These women are dealing with something deep down inside to want to cling to the bad boy figure.After being with a bad boy I think it is really nice to know a nice Christian boy.