Reasons why women/men stay in abusive relationships

[AirDancer]

Oky doky fair enough. I tend to like comedic irony but you're right the movie was full on.

I like comedic irony as well, just not in that movie

 

[Deborah13]

Turmoil such as was in that movie, I find disturbing. So I didn't care at all for the movie, despite being Kathleen Turner/Michael Douglas movies' fan.

I couldn't finish watching it.

 

[agua.]

1. Man in Chair: Why would somebody sell a million-dollar house for $200,000?
2. Gavin D'Amato: Who knows--divorce, loan sharks, drugs, sudden death--the point is, you get to capitalize on a fellow human being's misfortune. That's the basis of real estate.

 

[agua.]

1. Oliver Rose: You say it's mine and you can have everything in the house.
2. Barbara Rose: Ok. It's mine.

No ?

 

[Obadiah]

If there is no legal divorce that person can do anything they want. They can kidnap the children because they have just as much parental rights as the one who is not the abuser and the law can't help you because you never got custodial rights. So to get them back one has to kidnap them back. Or do you leave your children with a violent person. They can run up all kinds of debt that both are responsible for. And as far as the abuser is concerned he still feels like he has all the rights he had before. I know someone who was separated because of abuse, there was a legal restraining order. He broke into the house and raped her, it was his right as her husband is what he said.

I don't know if his "right" to rape her would hold up in court, but it's true that there's no perfect solution. Certainly putting yourself or kids in danger by staying in the same house or leaving the kids there isn't workable. I think a lot can be done to protect ones self by "stacking the deck in your favor" so to speak. Go somewhere safe to stay and don't tell your spouse where you are. That might mean doing things like avoiding mutual friends too keep your location a secret, but if your life is truly in danger, that's a sad part of the cost of safety. There are a lot of things a person has to do in a situation like that to stay as safe as possible, and few of them are easy. But if all are put together and done diligently it can help a lot.

After dealing with hundreds of abuse cases myself one thing that really stood out was when problems occurred after separation it was almost always the result of the spouse that left doing something to bring it on. They "just had to" go and visit him because they "felt so bad" for him. They went to ask for money. They stayed in contact with a mutual friend who leaked their location to the spouse. The list can go on and on, but an awful lot of the times it was something the leaving spouse did that caused the one who had been left to find them.

 

[reba]

At one point all our friend wanted to know was when he would be released from jail.... he probation officer ( officer Green ) was NEVER available .. not in yet..had just left .. in a meeting ... gone for the day.... I got mad... started making phone calls ( i happened to clean house for a Sacramento congress woman) so i started there the to mayor to the police... the last call i made was to to a Sargent at the internal affairs office... So we called Officer Green's office again.. The response I told you he was not available i said Sargent G from internal affairs said we should try again... it worked ... Our friend was treated so much better after that...

 

[reba]

YUP OB yup

 

[Deborah13]

At one point all our friend wanted to know was when he would be released from jail.... he probation officer ( officer Green ) was NEVER available .. not in yet..had just left .. in a meeting ... gone for the day.... I got mad... started making phone calls ( i happened to clean house for a Sacramento congress woman) so i started there the to mayor to the police... the last call i made was to to a Sargent at the internal affairs office... So we called Officer Green's office again.. The response I told you he was not available i said Sargent G from internal affairs said we should try again... it worked ... Our friend was treated so much better after that...

So if I may ask, how did everything work out for them. I hope so.

 

[Kathi]

I've never had to do that (I am divorced, but it was due to an adulterous spouse) but I think the hard part over time would be the idea of still living like you are married as far as other relationships are concerned. Even after it becomes apparent that you are probably not going back, you still are not free to pursue another relationship because you are still married. All the more reason to be very careful who you marry in the first place. I saw way to many people get married just because it was the thing to do after they graduated from high school, or just because they wanted to have kids, or just craved the big show of being the bride in the fancy dress. So many never stopped to understand the long term consequences

.

I think I got into the trap of thinking that girls got married and had children and that was the thing to do.My parents from the old school kind of geared me in that direction.Where my brothers had college degrees.I think I also had the Cinderella complex of the huge beautiful wedding.I was so naive and the scary part is I knew nothing.I was married at 19 to my first husband.What a mistake.

 

[Christ_empowered]

don't blame yourself, kathi.

I don't see a problem with divorcing an abusive spouse. I mean, its self-defense, when you think about it.

 

[Obadiah]

I think I got into the trap of thinking that girls got married and had children and that was the thing to do.My parents from the old school kind of geared me in that direction.Where my brothers had college degrees.I think I also had the Cinderella complex of the huge beautiful wedding.I was so naive and the scary part is I knew nothing.I was married at 19 to my first husband.What a mistake.

Yep, many women fall into that trap. It's easy when you have pressure from all your friends and family and haven't had much chance to gain the wisdom of living yet.

 

[Obadiah]

I don't see a problem with divorcing an abusive spouse. I mean, its self-defense, when you think about it.

Except for the problem that, short of a spouse committing adultery or fornication, it goes against scripture. That's what makes this such a hard subject for Christians.

 

[reba]

So if I may ask, how did everything work out for them. I hope so.

He got busted for writing bad checks .. not much jail time for beating her but he was busted for bad checks... He had some time to do she was able to disappear ... Enough time went by he moved on... She remarried... It is way harder to hide when you have kids.... she had 3

 

[reba]

We were 17 and 19..... 50 years ago... it has not been smooth... I wish our life had been more better.. I wish i had married a Christian... Christian marriages are not perfect my parents fought... A Christ centered marriage will have more good days then bad,,,,

 

[Kathi]

My parents were not Christians that I was aware of.I never heard them fight.In fact it was so sedate that when I was married and we had our first spat I thought the marriage was headed for divorce .

 

[Deborah13]

He got busted for writing bad checks .. not much jail time for beating her but he was busted for bad checks... He had some time to do she was able to disappear ... Enough time went by he moved on... She remarried... It is way harder to hide when you have kids.... she had 3

Well, I'm glad she and the kids could be safe.

 

[reba]

She is a long story... her first husband she caught with a member of the wedding party everyone blamed the booze she had 2 kids he never stopped cheating... He finally left for another... tried again had 1 child this guy was shot dead in a bar.... # 3 was an abuser ... she moved to be safe... had too many boyfriends ... eventuality married the brother of one of the boyfriends.. 2

Not a life i would want.. Sin is ugly stuff.... It ends up in control .... She would have never married the first if she was not pregnant ...

 

[WIP]

The abuser usually has a pattern.They say they are sorry and they say they will never ever do it again and they can not do enough for you.......then....BAM....it starts all over again.

I recently read a book titled "Stolen Years" by Darrel Day. Its a first-hand true story about the abuse Connie Sarff endured from her husband, Jim, for over 30 years.

Jim and Connie were from a small town just 45 miles from my home. I personally never knew the family but I asked some of my neighbors and they have known them or were aware of the story.

I warn you it is graphic but, aside from the Bible, I think its the first book I've read cover to cover in over 30 years and I found I couldn't put it down.

 

[Kathi]

I recently read a book titled "Stolen Years" by Darrel Day. Its a first-hand true story about the abuse Connie Sarff endured from her husband, Jim, for over 30 years.

Jim and Connie were from a small town just 45 miles from my home. I personally never knew the family but I asked some of my neighbors and they have known them or were aware of the story.

I warn you it is graphic but, aside from the Bible, I think its the first book I've read cover to cover in over 30 years and I found I couldn't put it down.

It probably is an interesting book but no thanks been there done that I don't want to read about it.I have been told that many women actually seek a man with abusive behaviors and she might not even be aware of it.This could be for several different reasons.

 

[WIP]

I think the book provides a little insight into at least some reasons why an abused person might stay in a situation. This also comes first-hand rather than us (especially those of us that have not experienced it) tossing around our preconceived ideas.