Christ_empowered
Member
- Oct 23, 2010
- 14,233
- 10,718
me, yet again.
my life in Christ is going...well! I've been -truly saved- for almost 10 years now. I'll soon be 38. 3-8...its like 40, but not quite. LOL.
I have a label of "Schizophrenia." Thing is...
when I -did- have a problem with paranoia, agitation, voices, mood swings...I was drugged to the gills and all, but labeled as "malingering" (making things up), over-billed, and on and on and on...
for a while there, I had a 95 IQ on a good day (average: 100...I started with around 120...to top it off, I had -obvious- brain damage, complete with dead eyes and facial tics. Thanks, psychiatry!). Now, I have the label and all, but I apparently have a "high IQ (estimate)," so...there's that. I mean, I'm thankful, but...confused, a bit. God is Good! Mental health, inc.? pshaw. not so much.
I was pumping gas today, at a semi-local chain (bunches of them, just in this region...not a nationwide thing). so, some lady pulls up to go into the store and taunts me, in this cruel and also sing song-y voice about "your parents cannot support you, hahaha! you had your chance..." and this other stuff, and...???
I'm -less- fearful than in times past when things like this (and worse!) have happened. "...spirit of power, spirit of love, spirit of a sound mind..." and also: "perfect love casteth out -all fear- ..." and "fret not because of evil-doers..."
I -know- a basically 40 year old man cannot claim to "deserve" parental support, its just...part of the "issue" is that I was so clearly deliberately and thoroughly ripped to shreds at a young age. I'm an only (adult) child, parents have been somewhere around the upper middle class to well to do range for a bit over 10 years now, and...
it isn't that my lifestyle is luxe and all, just...decent, modest, nice, comfortable. they're doing very well financially and they're also i good health. the other issue?
the alternatives are...group homes (some locally were shut down and the owners charged with criminal stuff...fraud, something about substandard living conditions, I think some violence...), what's left of subsidized housing (not much, much of it is poor quality and in dangerous areas), and...and...
honestly? A -big- issue for me is the petty evil that surrounds me. I walked into a bigger chain convenience store once, maybe a couple of months ago...
clean shaven, reasonably well dressed. just wanted a cold coffee drink for less $$$ than a drive thru place. OK. so...
on my way out, I saw some man, pointing angrily at me...while talking to a cop, in his cop car with the window rolled down...
"he can't have that, they can't support him, blah blah blah..." and "call his probation officer!"
blah. I have a serious misdemeanor on my record. started as a felony, plea bargain (something like 90% of cases in the US are resolved that way...mine was something of a miracle for me, but...it spared everyone a trial, etc...not unheard of, is my point...), I did 3 years probation, successfully completed over -5 years ago- . not even a traffic ticket since then, parents have forgiven me because of Jesus' work in my life and their lives, too, and...
-sigh- maybe its the vitriol and spite from seemingly random people? I mean...I don't know these people. One dude...older, but not elderly...getting into his big truck..."he'll be out on the streets when we're thru with him!" and...
it just...OK: "...wise as serpents, innocent as doves..." I suppose this is what is happening here, around me, in my lil corner of a fallen world. OK. -got it- on the other hand...
I keep a low profile. my parents have more clout and resources now, but they're frugal and hard working, not "ohhh, we have such and such," you know? and they live in a small town near me. They...tried their hands at friends and such, here and there...
-ugh- always about money. they have more than so and so...less than so and so...now they're in the well to do(ish) range, mostly retired, and...
blah. thankfully, they do have -contacts- . mama had a pleasant outing with a contact from her old work. dad had a very old friend from way back visit them and that was...OK, at least from what they told me. but again: it seems that social class is a big issue in the US, as a whole, and...
for whatever reasons, its an -especially- huge, vital issue/problem here, and in our lives, in particular. so, there's that.
I tried volunteering at a non-profit. I got there, all excited. brought the elderly gentleman volunteer man in the shift ahead of mine a tasty drink, played it off like I just randomly had two (south...gotta learn some tact, y'all...LOL), and then...
he rolled out, and the taunts began. "oh, his dad is making xyz grand a year, he thinks he's --special-- " and "he's an over the hill flamer" and "cut off his welfare" and "get him evicted," and...
I couldn't deal. not just trying to do a 3 hour shift at a non profit because I felt like it. so, I rolled out. some 25-30+/- white dude and his girlfriend walked by, taunting me about "people need to WORK" and all that junk.
the lady at the mental health clinic who helped me get that volunteer spot thru some program they have there is gone now. hmmm...I try not to think about -why- she's suddenly gone, but...yeah. -suspicious-
truth? I have no local friends. this anti-poor people, anti-disabled people stigma is getting crazier, not better. elderly Pentecostal lady "friend" (she latched on to me, over 10 years ago...I prayed for her, tried to move on...) dropped me, and I think a lot of it is because of how hateful Pentecostal and many other "conservative" churches are, now, towards outcasts and such in today's society. and then...
I dunno. Its everywhere. A dude with the landscaping company before this one (the HOA seems to run thru landscaping companies like crazy...I don't get it?) would taunt me and get aggressive and stuff, while...well, I guess he considered it "doing his job" ? They dudes with the new company...seem to keep their contempt contained, although I overhear stuff.
parents got me a new car. I know, -not typical- for a "mental patient." I had an accident and the pay out for the other vehicle was higher than expected, because COVID made everything crazy insane. They -are- generous and loving, and also...well, reasonably priced, good gas mileage, start with a new one and take care of it and...yeah. 1st new car of my entire adult life. and...
-ugh- didn't tell my parents, but one day...I was driving to my building, in the complex of buildings I live in...and some dude yelled and threw a pine cone at my car. what to do? what to say? upstairs neighbors are renting, they yell and stomp and talk about putting me away, call the cops, have him committed, and...
my parents own this place. not to brag-- its their $$$, not mine, and their forgiveness and mercy turned out to be a solid investment, too -- but they were able and willing to buy it with money from investments they cashed out. value has gone up over 50% over a tad less than 4 years, so...God is blessing them and me, it seems. point is...
ramble, ramble, ramble. I am disabled. I think its really more social stuff than "Schizophrenia," but...hey, its the psych industry I'm dealing with, right? right. What's bothering me, too, is...
I just go in for med checks every 3-4 months and counseling maybe every 6-8 weeks. that's it. my meds are not addictive, generic, and don't even require routine blood work like a lot of the meds do. and...
people taunt me at the clinic and it just never ends, and...did I mention that something like 10% or so of the "severely mentally ill" end up as suicides? I wonder why...
blah. -frustrated- I try to remember: oppression, not depression.
please pray. I'm calm now, not freaking out, just...I am not a member of this community, never was, never will be. I have to live somewhere. No drugs, no drinking, law abiding, and...
-hatred- Please pray, both for my parents and me. thanks.
my life in Christ is going...well! I've been -truly saved- for almost 10 years now. I'll soon be 38. 3-8...its like 40, but not quite. LOL.
I have a label of "Schizophrenia." Thing is...
when I -did- have a problem with paranoia, agitation, voices, mood swings...I was drugged to the gills and all, but labeled as "malingering" (making things up), over-billed, and on and on and on...
for a while there, I had a 95 IQ on a good day (average: 100...I started with around 120...to top it off, I had -obvious- brain damage, complete with dead eyes and facial tics. Thanks, psychiatry!). Now, I have the label and all, but I apparently have a "high IQ (estimate)," so...there's that. I mean, I'm thankful, but...confused, a bit. God is Good! Mental health, inc.? pshaw. not so much.
I was pumping gas today, at a semi-local chain (bunches of them, just in this region...not a nationwide thing). so, some lady pulls up to go into the store and taunts me, in this cruel and also sing song-y voice about "your parents cannot support you, hahaha! you had your chance..." and this other stuff, and...???
I'm -less- fearful than in times past when things like this (and worse!) have happened. "...spirit of power, spirit of love, spirit of a sound mind..." and also: "perfect love casteth out -all fear- ..." and "fret not because of evil-doers..."
I -know- a basically 40 year old man cannot claim to "deserve" parental support, its just...part of the "issue" is that I was so clearly deliberately and thoroughly ripped to shreds at a young age. I'm an only (adult) child, parents have been somewhere around the upper middle class to well to do range for a bit over 10 years now, and...
it isn't that my lifestyle is luxe and all, just...decent, modest, nice, comfortable. they're doing very well financially and they're also i good health. the other issue?
the alternatives are...group homes (some locally were shut down and the owners charged with criminal stuff...fraud, something about substandard living conditions, I think some violence...), what's left of subsidized housing (not much, much of it is poor quality and in dangerous areas), and...and...
honestly? A -big- issue for me is the petty evil that surrounds me. I walked into a bigger chain convenience store once, maybe a couple of months ago...
clean shaven, reasonably well dressed. just wanted a cold coffee drink for less $$$ than a drive thru place. OK. so...
on my way out, I saw some man, pointing angrily at me...while talking to a cop, in his cop car with the window rolled down...
"he can't have that, they can't support him, blah blah blah..." and "call his probation officer!"
blah. I have a serious misdemeanor on my record. started as a felony, plea bargain (something like 90% of cases in the US are resolved that way...mine was something of a miracle for me, but...it spared everyone a trial, etc...not unheard of, is my point...), I did 3 years probation, successfully completed over -5 years ago- . not even a traffic ticket since then, parents have forgiven me because of Jesus' work in my life and their lives, too, and...
-sigh- maybe its the vitriol and spite from seemingly random people? I mean...I don't know these people. One dude...older, but not elderly...getting into his big truck..."he'll be out on the streets when we're thru with him!" and...
it just...OK: "...wise as serpents, innocent as doves..." I suppose this is what is happening here, around me, in my lil corner of a fallen world. OK. -got it- on the other hand...
I keep a low profile. my parents have more clout and resources now, but they're frugal and hard working, not "ohhh, we have such and such," you know? and they live in a small town near me. They...tried their hands at friends and such, here and there...
-ugh- always about money. they have more than so and so...less than so and so...now they're in the well to do(ish) range, mostly retired, and...
blah. thankfully, they do have -contacts- . mama had a pleasant outing with a contact from her old work. dad had a very old friend from way back visit them and that was...OK, at least from what they told me. but again: it seems that social class is a big issue in the US, as a whole, and...
for whatever reasons, its an -especially- huge, vital issue/problem here, and in our lives, in particular. so, there's that.
I tried volunteering at a non-profit. I got there, all excited. brought the elderly gentleman volunteer man in the shift ahead of mine a tasty drink, played it off like I just randomly had two (south...gotta learn some tact, y'all...LOL), and then...
he rolled out, and the taunts began. "oh, his dad is making xyz grand a year, he thinks he's --special-- " and "he's an over the hill flamer" and "cut off his welfare" and "get him evicted," and...
I couldn't deal. not just trying to do a 3 hour shift at a non profit because I felt like it. so, I rolled out. some 25-30+/- white dude and his girlfriend walked by, taunting me about "people need to WORK" and all that junk.
the lady at the mental health clinic who helped me get that volunteer spot thru some program they have there is gone now. hmmm...I try not to think about -why- she's suddenly gone, but...yeah. -suspicious-
truth? I have no local friends. this anti-poor people, anti-disabled people stigma is getting crazier, not better. elderly Pentecostal lady "friend" (she latched on to me, over 10 years ago...I prayed for her, tried to move on...) dropped me, and I think a lot of it is because of how hateful Pentecostal and many other "conservative" churches are, now, towards outcasts and such in today's society. and then...
I dunno. Its everywhere. A dude with the landscaping company before this one (the HOA seems to run thru landscaping companies like crazy...I don't get it?) would taunt me and get aggressive and stuff, while...well, I guess he considered it "doing his job" ? They dudes with the new company...seem to keep their contempt contained, although I overhear stuff.
parents got me a new car. I know, -not typical- for a "mental patient." I had an accident and the pay out for the other vehicle was higher than expected, because COVID made everything crazy insane. They -are- generous and loving, and also...well, reasonably priced, good gas mileage, start with a new one and take care of it and...yeah. 1st new car of my entire adult life. and...
-ugh- didn't tell my parents, but one day...I was driving to my building, in the complex of buildings I live in...and some dude yelled and threw a pine cone at my car. what to do? what to say? upstairs neighbors are renting, they yell and stomp and talk about putting me away, call the cops, have him committed, and...
my parents own this place. not to brag-- its their $$$, not mine, and their forgiveness and mercy turned out to be a solid investment, too -- but they were able and willing to buy it with money from investments they cashed out. value has gone up over 50% over a tad less than 4 years, so...God is blessing them and me, it seems. point is...
ramble, ramble, ramble. I am disabled. I think its really more social stuff than "Schizophrenia," but...hey, its the psych industry I'm dealing with, right? right. What's bothering me, too, is...
I just go in for med checks every 3-4 months and counseling maybe every 6-8 weeks. that's it. my meds are not addictive, generic, and don't even require routine blood work like a lot of the meds do. and...
people taunt me at the clinic and it just never ends, and...did I mention that something like 10% or so of the "severely mentally ill" end up as suicides? I wonder why...
blah. -frustrated- I try to remember: oppression, not depression.
please pray. I'm calm now, not freaking out, just...I am not a member of this community, never was, never will be. I have to live somewhere. No drugs, no drinking, law abiding, and...
-hatred- Please pray, both for my parents and me. thanks.
