secrecy - one dangerous virus!

[Classik]

I think it's one of the things that can maim your home. What's wrong with having things in common with your spouse?

Why do some husbands/wives find it hard to allow their husbands/wives to access their mobile devices? Secrecy! What is there to discover? Why can't s/he pick that call? Computers???

Don't tell me there are classified stuff on your device. Does it mean s/he can't be trusted?



Another issue is that joint-account thing that never seems to work.

 

[Kathi]

I have been there and done that.It is a red flag if a couple have secrecy in what they are doing on their computers or cell phones.

 

[for_his_glory]

If there is no trust in a marriage then there is a marriage that is not Christ centered. I never did understand separate checking accounts.

 

[Claudya]

I think it's one of the things that can maim your home. What's wrong with having things in common with your spouse?

Why do some husbands/wives find it hard to allow their husbands/wives to access their mobile devices? Secrecy! What is there to discover? Why can't s/he pick that call? Computers???

Don't tell me there are classified stuff on your device. Does it mean s/he can't be trusted?

What about the wive texting with her best friend about very intimate stuff you wouldn't want anyone else to know? E.g if the best friend is having some sexual problems and needs a friend to talk to? The husband doesn't need to know those things about his wife's best friend.

Or what if one pf the partners uses the phone for some confidential professional conversations/ mails/ texts that they really aren't allowed to share with anyone outside their organisation; not even their spouses?

Those things aren't really secrecy. But it's important to respect your partner's personal sphere. Too much symbiosis would destroy a marriage. Both people need to remain individuals with some little bit of personal life (like, maintaining their own friendships or having some alone time or a hobby for themselves).

If I trust my partner I don't need to know what he's doing on his phone. If he wanted to see mine I'd be seriously offended by his lack of trust.

 

[Edward]

I think it sets a bad precedent. If the stuff is that intimate about the friend then it probably shouldn't be being discussed in print anyway. Business related confidential material should not be a problem in that the man and wife are one and it is known and a given that it would not go further. If there isn't that much trust then perhaps they shouldn't be married. If my boss asked me if I shared confidential info with any others, I could tell him no without comprehending a lie within it because she is me and I am her and we are one. If this is not so then you shouldn't be married. There has to be absolute confidence between the husband and wife. She can pick up my phone anytime she wants to and look through it. It wouldn't offend me one whit. I have nothing to hide from the wife.

I know that many will not agree with me for various reasons, and that's ok. But I take the bible literally, and walk with honor so this would actually be a minor issue for me.

I can hear it coming. Someone will ask me what if my wife doesn't want me to look in her phone? I'll go ahead and answer that too. (I am about to get married again, so this may come up). I will continue to have confidence in her and respect her wishes. If she is hiding something big, deep and dark...It will come out anyway, it always does. In this way I will not worry myself, or lie, and set a good example for her as I am supposed to do. If it is not something sinister, then it can be assumed that someone betrayed her trust in the past and she is paranoid or worried about it. A good example and walking with honor should cure that over time.

 

[agua.]

What about the wive texting with her best friend about very intimate stuff you wouldn't want anyone else to know? E.g if the best friend is having some sexual problems and needs a friend to talk to? The husband doesn't need to know those things about his wife's best friend.

Or what if one pf the partners uses the phone for some confidential professional conversations/ mails/ texts that they really aren't allowed to share with anyone outside their organisation; not even their spouses?

Those things aren't really secrecy. But it's important to respect your partner's personal sphere. Too much symbiosis would destroy a marriage. Both people need to remain individuals with some little bit of personal life (like, maintaining their own friendships or having some alone time or a hobby for themselves).

If I trust my partner I don't need to know what he's doing on his phone. If he wanted to see mine I'd be seriously offended by his lack of trust.

I agree with what you say Claudia aside from one thing. I don't think there can be too much symbiosis in marriage to the point of being one. This doesn't mean either partner should betray a confidence though.

 

[Claudya]

I agree with what you say Claudia aside from one thing. I don't think there can be too much symbiosis in marriage to the point of being one. This doesn't mean either partner should betray a confidence though.

Hm... of course marriage means becoming one. On the other side, being one seems to me like it makes love and attraction impossible. In order to love someone in a romantic or erotic way (both those things are important for a marriage!) the partner needs to be another human being. You can be attracted only to something outside of yourself. Relationship means that there must be someone that is not you so you can relate to them. If the other one becomes you or you become the other one there is noone left to relate to. Of course you can love yourself, but self-love, even if it is of the healthy kind, is totally different from romantic love. Symbiosis kills any physical and emotional attraction.
I would bet one of the hardest challenges in a marriage that lasts decades is keeping a good balance between being one flesh (knowing each other insider out and sharing almost everything in life) on the one side, and remaining individuals that are interesting and attractive to each other on the other side.

 

[Edward]

Oh, you're over-thinking this Claudya. Of course there are two beings, and could not be otherwise except in spirit. Why would symbiosis have to kill emotional attraction? It does not. Think of a baby and it's mother. A more classic case of symbiosis can not be found, and yet the attraction is increased, not decreased. I don't care what the psych books say, they're wrong, lol.

I know this because I have lived it before. Experience trumps knowledge everytime. ;)

 

[Deborah13]

If there is no trust in a marriage then there is a marriage that is not Christ centered. I never did understand separate checking accounts.

I do. But then I'm married to my husband not yours.

Because people may decide to use separate checking accounts does not mean there is any secrecy involved or that both peoples names are not on both accounts (for reasons of inheritance or emergency funds). But each one uses their own.

 

[Deborah13]

What about the wive texting with her best friend about very intimate stuff you wouldn't want anyone else to know? E.g if the best friend is having some sexual problems and needs a friend to talk to? The husband doesn't need to know those things about his wife's best friend.

Or what if one pf the partners uses the phone for some confidential professional conversations/ mails/ texts that they really aren't allowed to share with anyone outside their organisation; not even their spouses?

Those things aren't really secrecy. But it's important to respect your partner's personal sphere. Too much symbiosis would destroy a marriage. Both people need to remain individuals with some little bit of personal life (like, maintaining their own friendships or having some alone time or a hobby for themselves).

If I trust my partner I don't need to know what he's doing on his phone. If he wanted to see mine I'd be seriously offended by his lack of trust.

I agree with you.
Just speaking to the professional, there are people who are in sensitive positions within industry, security (all kinds of law enforcement) and medical fields, that if they share information with even their spouse they are in violation of laws, contracts, etc.
I also agree with you about sharing personal information that a friend has shared with you. It is exactly that private and personal and does not need to be shared with even your spouse. If they wanted to talk to your spouse they would.
Both of these types of information have absolutely nothing to do with your marriage and are not deception.
Where does trust come in?

 

[Edward]

I do. But then I'm married to my husband not yours.

Because people may decide to use separate checking accounts does not mean there is any secrecy involved or that both peoples names are not on both accounts (for reasons of inheritance or emergency funds). But each one uses their own.

There are advantages to separate checking accounts that have nothing to do with trust. Nothing that I would want to go into here though, lol.

 

[Deborah13]

There are advantages to separate checking accounts that have nothing to do with trust. Nothing that I would want to go into here though, lol.

yeah, like making sure checks don't bounce.

 

[Sailingflutist-SF]

Claudya, think of erotic love (any one of the three types, really) as a wondrously beautiful piece by Handel, Bach, Mozart, or Saint Saens or if you'd rather some other great musicians. It is one piece or one song but it is comprised of a variety of instrumentalists and or vocalists. What makes it so great is not the music itself but the performers. The ones who work over and over and over to get their skill with the instrument or voice in top shape, then with the piece the notes and timing excellent, then the intonations such as crescendos and decrescendos, retardos, staccatos, allegros and such so that when they perform the piece together it becomes a HARMONIOUS collaboration of spirit and effort presenting itself as ONE. Some of the best pieces feature a variety of solos and diverge performers but they are very skilled at integrating their diversity into a cooperative collaboration so that no one stands out more than the creation and/or conductor directs so that it becomes one piece or song. Such a harmonious collaboration doesn't happen overnight. It has to be worked out over and over. My two cents or euro.

 

[Claudya]

Claudya, think of erotic love (any one of the three types, really) as a wonderously beautiful piece by Handel, Bach, Motzart, or Sain Saens or if you'd rather some other great musicians. It is one piece or one song but it is comprised of a variety of instrumentalists and or vocalists. What makes it so great is not the music itself but the performers. The ones who work over and over and over to get their skill with the instrument or voice in top shape, then with the piece the notes and timing excellent, then the intonations such as crescendos and decrescndos, retardos, stacatos, allegros and such so that when they perform the piece together it becomes a HARMONIOUS collaboration of spirit and effort presenting itself as ONE. Some of the best pieces feature a variety of solos and diverge performers but they are very skilled at integrating thier diversity into a cooperative collaboration so that no one stands out more than the creation and/or conductor directs so that it becomes one piece or song. Such a harmonious collaboration doesn't happen overnight. It has to be worked out over and over. My two cents or euro.

That's a very great metaphor!!

 

[agua.]

Hm... of course marriage means becoming one. On the other side, being one seems to me like it makes love and attraction impossible. In order to love someone in a romantic or erotic way (both those things are important for a marriage!) the partner needs to be another human being. You can be attracted only to something outside of yourself. Relationship means that there must be someone that is not you so you can relate to them. If the other one becomes you or you become the other one there is noone left to relate to. Of course you can love yourself, but self-love, even if it is of the healthy kind, is totally different from romantic love. Symbiosis kills any physical and emotional attraction.
I would bet one of the hardest challenges in a marriage that lasts decades is keeping a good balance between being one flesh (knowing each other insider out and sharing almost everything in life) on the one side, and remaining individuals that are interesting and attractive to each other on the other side.

Becoming one doesn't mean you become one being. It means you have a relationship where both parties bring their attributes and combine them to form a new "flesh" ie. both people are enhanced by the qualities of the other. This doesn't undermine romantic attraction but enhances it; after all knowing your partner inside out brings a sense of extreme satisfaction, security, and romance imo.

 

[Kathi]

If there is no trust in a marriage then there is a marriage that is not Christ centered. I never did understand separate checking accounts.

I think everything should be together.No separate anything.

 

[Claudya]

I think everything should be together.No separate anything.

I'd insist on having seperate toothbrushes and seperate underwear. :yes

 

[Kathi]

I'd insist on having seperate toothbrushes and seperate underwear. :yes

Why?

 

[Claudya]

Why?

Because I'm afraid that if I find out my bras look better on him than on me I'd be jealous.

 

[Kathi]

Because I'm afraid that if I find out my bras look better on him than on me I'd be jealous.