Christ_empowered
Member
- Oct 23, 2010
- 14,235
- 10,720
yes, yes; me, yet again. ugh.
By The Lord's grace, I'm...well, alive (rather unexpected, in and of itself), healthy, and smart. My (long suffering, loving, kind, generous, truly decent) parents have chosen to reconcile with me and provide me with a modest, but comfortable, lifestyle. I'm 36. I'm labeled as "Schizophrenic," although I think the official diagnosis may be something a bit less severe (Bipolar I w/psychosis, Schizoaffective, something like that). ok. with that out of the way...
I'm 36 and have lived in this general area most of my life. I am...a pariah, and I seem to be at least much of an outcast in Christ as I was as a "weakling," on the broad road (I got genuinely saved 8 years ago), but...
for different reasons. My parents are -now- , fairly recently, well to do(ish), as in...not rich, not truly middle class. mama's (thankfully) been fully retired for a couple of years now, and dad's part time, probably will be for a year or 2 to come. and...
for all this talk of me being "Schizophrenic," the mental health industry, in particular, seems to be the bane of my existence. I've only been hospitalized 2 times, each time in a different, private place (I'm thankful that I was spared a state facility for a number of reasons, but...honestly, the shrinks just wanted the insurance money). My last hospitalization was over 10 years ago. Only lasted 5 days, but apparently involved heavy (involuntary) shock and some sort of (also involuntary) brain operation, I don't know what else.
blah. So, once again, people are saying "he should be in jail" and "he has a WARRANT!" and on and on and on. My dad took me out a lil shopping trip yesterday. quick trip, quality bonding time. thing is...we went shopping at a dept. store in the small southern city I live in, which is only about 10 miles from the small southern town my parents live in (and where I lived, too, till about 3 years ago...again, long story). so, all kinds of people...and many would walk past, voices somewhat down, and talk about "I don't care what he went through. he has a warrant!," and then I overheard some dude talking about my dad's title at work (upwardly mobile, white collar professional...good for them, good for me...doesn't seem to sit well with a lot of people...). and so...
ugh. I'm not nearly as afraid as I have been when stuff like this came my way...time and time again, it seems...since I moved home to this general area 10 years ago, now. The Lord is Good. On the spiritual level, a born again Christian advised me to get my eyes fixed on Christ, and Him Crucified. And now...
I'm at a place where I can -receive- and -act upon- that, by His grace. At a less spiritual, more pragmatic and worldly level...-not- living at home, -not- living on the edge of poverty surrounded by people taunting me and the pain of angry estrangement from my (again, wonderful) parents...
makes a -huge- difference, at all levels. So...this might lead to the rather obvious question: why come here for prayer, yet again? to which I might reply something like this (LOL)...
I'm really only now at a place where -- again, by His grace -- I can kind of sit back and -not- fret because of evil doers...to the same extent, anyway. and...
I dunno. lol. I tested + for HIV+ 16 years ago, now, tail end of age 20, in a private for profit hospital. no treatment offered, none ever received (no, really). in fact, I found out years later...the 'experts' there diagnosed a 'severe personality disorder' (narcissism) and wanted to put me in a homeless shelter. This after: heavy shock, an untreated sleeping pill OD at the hospital (I woke up with an EMT holding an oxygen mask over my face, soaked in urine. delightful!), and...and...
ugh. Again: God is Good. I Praise Him for sparing me. My parents are good, too...in my life, they come in a not at all distant 2nd to Jesus. and...
OK, so I'm healthy now...despite -0- treatment for HIV/AIDS. I mean, I do take tons of antioxidants and such...I was kind of hoping the 'alternative' methods of handling HIV would prove miraculously successful, but...
-sigh- I'm pretty much inclined to think that Jesus has extended some mega-grace my way. Why...me? Good question, actually. Not that anyone -deserves- AIDS or anything horrible, but...it does happen, right? right. And...
by His grace, I'm now healthy to the point that people literally openly talk about me "getting a laser peel" or "he gets chemical peels," because...yeah, I dunno. Fun fact: never had a laser peel, but I did look it up, and...people with HIV (even treated, it seems) are often not candidates. skin won't heal properly, because of immune dysfunction. moving on...
along the way, I've also gotten a bit taller. I mean, I'm now all of 5'10 (LOL), but I started at 5'7 or so. I was also balding (too much hair now, apparently) and prematurely aged (looked like a haggard 25 year old at 20/21), so...
on and on. I mention all this, -yet again- , because its not only dawned on me, at a superficial level, but is actually more...I dunno, sinking in, I actually -get it- , I guess...
we all live in a cruel, fallen world. 8 years ago, Jesus moved on my heart and I got -genuinely- saved. Maybe the Calvinists are on to something, maybe Jesus just saw an especially wretched sinner in need of forgiveness and mercy...obviously, I don't know. moving on...
I am still being taunted. "middle class poseur," "loser," "we're gonna get your dad fired from (place of employment) !" and "oh, judge took pity on him, cuz he developed Schizophrenia!," on and on and on, and...
honestly? I dunno. taunts, ridicule...I -do- have a single conviction on my record, from (you guessed it...) a charge from 8 years ago, when I got saved. parents bonded me out, hired a lawyer, I ended up pleading to a serious (class A) misdemeanor, not the felony I was initially charged with. The sentencing was 7 years ago, I did 3 years of probation (successfully, no violations, by His grace), and now...
I dunno. I dunno. I had problems..for a while...with some small accounts of mine having me come up with new passwords, almost every time I logged in. nothing went missing, never had any straight up fraud alerts or anything, and that's simmered down, now, but...
ugh. just..ugh. I am learning to lean more into Him, and I am thankful for His mercy and Love, its just...
ugh. please, please pray for me and for my (long suffering, truly wonderful, need Jesus just like everybody else) parents. Thanks.
By The Lord's grace, I'm...well, alive (rather unexpected, in and of itself), healthy, and smart. My (long suffering, loving, kind, generous, truly decent) parents have chosen to reconcile with me and provide me with a modest, but comfortable, lifestyle. I'm 36. I'm labeled as "Schizophrenic," although I think the official diagnosis may be something a bit less severe (Bipolar I w/psychosis, Schizoaffective, something like that). ok. with that out of the way...
I'm 36 and have lived in this general area most of my life. I am...a pariah, and I seem to be at least much of an outcast in Christ as I was as a "weakling," on the broad road (I got genuinely saved 8 years ago), but...
for different reasons. My parents are -now- , fairly recently, well to do(ish), as in...not rich, not truly middle class. mama's (thankfully) been fully retired for a couple of years now, and dad's part time, probably will be for a year or 2 to come. and...
for all this talk of me being "Schizophrenic," the mental health industry, in particular, seems to be the bane of my existence. I've only been hospitalized 2 times, each time in a different, private place (I'm thankful that I was spared a state facility for a number of reasons, but...honestly, the shrinks just wanted the insurance money). My last hospitalization was over 10 years ago. Only lasted 5 days, but apparently involved heavy (involuntary) shock and some sort of (also involuntary) brain operation, I don't know what else.
blah. So, once again, people are saying "he should be in jail" and "he has a WARRANT!" and on and on and on. My dad took me out a lil shopping trip yesterday. quick trip, quality bonding time. thing is...we went shopping at a dept. store in the small southern city I live in, which is only about 10 miles from the small southern town my parents live in (and where I lived, too, till about 3 years ago...again, long story). so, all kinds of people...and many would walk past, voices somewhat down, and talk about "I don't care what he went through. he has a warrant!," and then I overheard some dude talking about my dad's title at work (upwardly mobile, white collar professional...good for them, good for me...doesn't seem to sit well with a lot of people...). and so...
ugh. I'm not nearly as afraid as I have been when stuff like this came my way...time and time again, it seems...since I moved home to this general area 10 years ago, now. The Lord is Good. On the spiritual level, a born again Christian advised me to get my eyes fixed on Christ, and Him Crucified. And now...
I'm at a place where I can -receive- and -act upon- that, by His grace. At a less spiritual, more pragmatic and worldly level...-not- living at home, -not- living on the edge of poverty surrounded by people taunting me and the pain of angry estrangement from my (again, wonderful) parents...
makes a -huge- difference, at all levels. So...this might lead to the rather obvious question: why come here for prayer, yet again? to which I might reply something like this (LOL)...
I'm really only now at a place where -- again, by His grace -- I can kind of sit back and -not- fret because of evil doers...to the same extent, anyway. and...
I dunno. lol. I tested + for HIV+ 16 years ago, now, tail end of age 20, in a private for profit hospital. no treatment offered, none ever received (no, really). in fact, I found out years later...the 'experts' there diagnosed a 'severe personality disorder' (narcissism) and wanted to put me in a homeless shelter. This after: heavy shock, an untreated sleeping pill OD at the hospital (I woke up with an EMT holding an oxygen mask over my face, soaked in urine. delightful!), and...and...
ugh. Again: God is Good. I Praise Him for sparing me. My parents are good, too...in my life, they come in a not at all distant 2nd to Jesus. and...
OK, so I'm healthy now...despite -0- treatment for HIV/AIDS. I mean, I do take tons of antioxidants and such...I was kind of hoping the 'alternative' methods of handling HIV would prove miraculously successful, but...
-sigh- I'm pretty much inclined to think that Jesus has extended some mega-grace my way. Why...me? Good question, actually. Not that anyone -deserves- AIDS or anything horrible, but...it does happen, right? right. And...
by His grace, I'm now healthy to the point that people literally openly talk about me "getting a laser peel" or "he gets chemical peels," because...yeah, I dunno. Fun fact: never had a laser peel, but I did look it up, and...people with HIV (even treated, it seems) are often not candidates. skin won't heal properly, because of immune dysfunction. moving on...
along the way, I've also gotten a bit taller. I mean, I'm now all of 5'10 (LOL), but I started at 5'7 or so. I was also balding (too much hair now, apparently) and prematurely aged (looked like a haggard 25 year old at 20/21), so...
on and on. I mention all this, -yet again- , because its not only dawned on me, at a superficial level, but is actually more...I dunno, sinking in, I actually -get it- , I guess...
we all live in a cruel, fallen world. 8 years ago, Jesus moved on my heart and I got -genuinely- saved. Maybe the Calvinists are on to something, maybe Jesus just saw an especially wretched sinner in need of forgiveness and mercy...obviously, I don't know. moving on...
I am still being taunted. "middle class poseur," "loser," "we're gonna get your dad fired from (place of employment) !" and "oh, judge took pity on him, cuz he developed Schizophrenia!," on and on and on, and...
honestly? I dunno. taunts, ridicule...I -do- have a single conviction on my record, from (you guessed it...) a charge from 8 years ago, when I got saved. parents bonded me out, hired a lawyer, I ended up pleading to a serious (class A) misdemeanor, not the felony I was initially charged with. The sentencing was 7 years ago, I did 3 years of probation (successfully, no violations, by His grace), and now...
I dunno. I dunno. I had problems..for a while...with some small accounts of mine having me come up with new passwords, almost every time I logged in. nothing went missing, never had any straight up fraud alerts or anything, and that's simmered down, now, but...
ugh. just..ugh. I am learning to lean more into Him, and I am thankful for His mercy and Love, its just...
ugh. please, please pray for me and for my (long suffering, truly wonderful, need Jesus just like everybody else) parents. Thanks.
