Single mother and potty training a little boy

[lmw]

I am a single mother of a very very active 3 year old little boy who is not potty trained yet. The only male influence in his life is a young man from my church who comes every other weekend to spend time with him, and my brother who he sees maybe once every couple weeks. My husband chose to walk out on us in July of 2010 and chose not to see our son at all. He died 3 months ago.

My son will soon be screened for autism. I prayed hard that he wouldn't have to deal with the developmental issues his daddy had to deal with, ie bipolar disorder and autism, but we're facing this right now. If he is diagnosed with autism, he would fall on the high functioning end of the spectrum.

Goldfish have longer attention spans than my son. He is so busy and active. If I pull down his pants for him to go potty, he tears off the rest of his clothes and goes streaking through the house (outside on warm days too). We've (I live with my mother now) been trying for over a year now. Only now is Gunnar telling us he needs his diaper changed, but usually he will sit in it until I discover a surprise. Pullups are way too easy for him to get off. He has been waking up dry most mornings, but some times he is soaking wet. He never wakes up dry from a nap when he takes one. He gets stressed out instantly and screams if I even mention the potty!

Things are so up in the air right now with the screening process. Gunnar will start early education classes next month already, 4 days a week, 3 hrs a day. I was hoping he'd be potty trained before then, but no such luck.

I feel like a failure sometimes, especially after receiving certain reactions when people ask if he's potty trained yet. I use to explain the whole not having male influence and now he's possibly autistic... but I just try to avoid the topic altogether.

So I'm asking for tips. How to help the potty training process along with a 3 year old boy who bounces off of walls and has no desire to sit still on a potty.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Mike]

I have to ask, and I'm sorry if I'm putting too much on you with limited information, but why is a "young man" coming over to spend time with you 3 year old son? Be careful there. I wouldn't leave them alone. It just doesn't sound right.

It's not all that uncommon for 3 year old boys to be untrained. Many have to go to preschool with pull-ups, because they're not ready. I can't say how autos impacts this, but it could be that you're putting too much pressure on him. Often, when parents lighten up, they come to decide for themselves. You could try putting things that float in the toilet and making a game of it. If there are boys that come over who are a little older, you could use them to show him how "big boys" do it. He might want to be a big boy too.

 

[jasz]

I have a very active 3 yr old son also. The one thing that really helped me potty train him was rewards after he used the potty, and also at school they helped potty train him. One thing I have come to understand with kids is that they move at their own pace and you can't compare your childs milestones with others. Keep consistent with the potty training and he will catch on. You are doing a wonderful job and may God bless you and your son!:yes

 

[lmw]

I have to ask, and I'm sorry if I'm putting too much on you with limited information, but why is a "young man" coming over to spend time with you 3 year old son? Be careful there. I wouldn't leave them alone. It just doesn't sound right.

I know it sounds weird but I work every Saturday, my mom works every other Saturday, so I have a babysitter come from 9-2 every other weekend because I don't have anyone to watch my son and Daycare is pretty impossible to find for the weekends. He's a family friend, our mothers are best friends and we've been going to the same church for about 8 years now. Jeff was a preschool assistant for a long time and he quit that to work in his family business. When I took up new hours at the beginning of 2011 I asked my brother and his wife to take my son every other Saturday. About 12 hours before my son was to go over there, my sis in law changed the plans and said it wouldn't work out at all because Saturday is her only day she gets to sleep in, so I had to figure something out and that is when Jeff started coming over.

I don't put a lot of pressure on him. We've been trying off and on for a year and we go for a long time without even pushing it because I know he needs breaks every now and then. He will be starting an early education class that helps children with developmental issues next month, instead of being at daycare, he will spend 4 days, 3 hours a day in a class with about 4 other children, a teacher, each child gets an IEP (individualized education program) counselor to be with them, and they also work on potty training which is awesome. I think he is sick of Mommy mentioning the potty, a new person may do the trick.

Thanks for making me feel like I am doing something right! It's tough but its worth it. My son is such a blessing.

 

[Heb11:6]

lnw,
First don't come down on yourself as a failure (even if you know there is something you could have done better) it won't help. I have two active boys who also did not get excited about potty training. It was apparant that they found messing themselves much more convenient than having to take a break from whatever had their attention. Even know if my 5 year old is outside having fun he will hold himself almost to the point of exploding. We found that building our boys up on what "big boys they were" worked much better than coming down on them. We would also take them to the bathroom often, whether they had to go or not and cut off the oppotunity for them to use their diaper. Soon enough they found the potty to not be so bad and they enjoyed feeling like they had done something good. Believe me though - the first several mandatory trips to the potty were not always well received. Stick with it - he'll catch on.

 

[lmw]

Well, Gunnar was a little slow with all his milestones so I wasn't expecting this to be any different, I just wish it was easier. He would do an army crawl until he was 12 months when he finally crawled on his knees. He didn't start walking until he was 15 months. He doesn't yet understand the concept of rewards and all the talk about him being a big boy doesn't phase him yet. On the mornings when he wakes up totally dry, I put him on the potty. He will hold in his pee forever just so he doesn't have to use the potty and when we have to get him out to daycare, we don't have an extra hour in the morning. I usually give up after waiting 30 min, which I only wait if he's happy to sit on the potty. Most times he just won't have it and gets off and runs away. A few times we were successful, but those times are far and few between. I can tell it just isn't clicking in his brain yet. He's very intelligent with other things, but he has no time for the toilet. Sometimes we have a potty chair in the livingroom and one in his room. He usually takes them apart and wears it as a hat. Whatta kid!!

 

[Heb11:6]

lmw,
I read your part about your son wearing the potty part as a hat and I laughed. It made me think of our boys who did the same thing with theirs. Actually our first son had a variety of potty seats because we kept hoping that one would "make" him want to use the potty. Eventually they just ended up using the bowl portions to dig in the dirt. Our oldest boy also did not walk unitl around 14 months but he is by no means delayed. Don't under estimate what your son can do. It seems that if he will intentionally hold his pee while on the potty then he is definately intelligent enough to know what he wants and what he doesn't. Finally, have you prayed for him and with him? I imagine you have - but if not bring it to the Lord. These things matter to God. I would suggest to parents that they be cautious with their words, with regards to saying "My child can't do ..." or "My child has....." Aside from a perspective of faith, I have witnessed many youth and adults who were raised always being told how they were in some way disadvantaged and it limited their ability to strive for the best later in life. I don't know if this makes sense - but I hope it does. I am also not suggesting that you are doing this but I thought it was worth mentioning. My wife is reading this as well and it is reminding her of the whole process. Don't get discouraged. God Bless

 

[handy]

lmw,
I read your part about your son wearing the potty part as a hat and I laughed. It made me think of our boys who did the same thing with theirs.

I laughed too! We didn't have a potty chair for our son, just a seat that went on the toilet and yep, there were days he'd come out of the bathroom with the thing on his head.

Our son was 4 before he was potty trained. We adopted him from the foster care program and he was behind in all of his milestones as well. Frankly, we thought that he most likely had severe developmental issues, even though they told us he didn't.

But, we were wrong. He was just fine, just most likely responding to the turbulence in his life and to the fact that his foster mother didn't train him in anything...including talking, dressing himself or using forks or spoons.

In his 4th year he really started to grow and by the time he entered kindergarten he was ahead of the game in many ways.

I was a preschool teacher for many, many years and while in our day care, it was "required" that children be potty-trained, that requirement was a fairly loose one. No diapers were allowed, but we had plenty in pull-ups and plenty of changes of clothes on hand. I've seen many boys come in at 3 and even up towards 4 who still needed lots of changes during the day. (Girls too, but it's far more common with boys.) However, being around other kids who were potty trained seemed to help, so perhaps when he starts the program, he might become more attuned to using the toilet.

I don't really have any tips for you...you sound as if you are doing just fine. One of these days it will "click"...meantime, just have changes of clothes and pull-ups on hands. I guess I do have one tip...don't stress yourself about it. It is all well within the range of 'normal'.