[__ Prayer __] so tired

[Christ_empowered]

Come to me all ye who are weary, and I shall give you rest. Something like that. Being a Christian is now becoming more and more...meaningful, I suppose would be a good word. It certainly helps that The Lord has seen fit to give me some raw material to work with in building a (Christ-centered) life. Its hard to understand Christ's teachings when you've been obliterated by heavy shock "treatments".

I think I'm just socially isolated, stigmatized, and kinda worn down from it all. My problems are minimal compared to what a lot of people go through, and even compared to what I went through before Jesus saved me.

The Lord is blessing me, and has already blessed me mightily. Having said that...I get tired. Physically, mentally tired. I think its waaay too much time alone. But then...well, where do stigmatized people make friends? At the megachurch? Also...I'm 31. Not old, but...dudes, in particular, don't generally "hang out" at 31. Ugh.

Honestly, I hear replays of what people have said about me (often yelled, lol). Things that make me doubt everything. I've been praying that The Lord will take over. Its no longer I who lives, it is Christ who lives in me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I think this is bad? Try jail. Prison. Mental hospital. Real poverty. Clearly, The Lord has been good to me, and is being good to me now.

I gotta push through, but I can't do it in the flesh...nope, not gonna happen in the flesh. I'm ridiculously un-focused. Sometimes, I wanna blame the meds. I'm on --4-- of them now. One is low dose. I asked the shrink to see about dropping something, and he just shook his head. Not happening. Ugh. But...hey, I'm not anything too hardcore (no lithium for this guy), so...I guess I'll just go with it.

I just...well, I spent a lifetime as a "weakling." Now, I'm not. "Mental health professionals" from back in the day went out of their way to destroy me and to destroy all my confidence. Well...The Lord has restored my raw material, Praise God (!!!), now I gotta lean on Him to get er done. Easier said than done.

Thanks.

 

[Eugene]

I gotta lean on Him to get er done.

As it should be.

2 Cor 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Not knowing all the meds you're on, the necessity of them, and their effect on you, much of your tiredness may be attributed to exactly that reason.

Don't despise things our Lord allows in your life that may be exactly the witness to others that will lift them up in their time of testing also. Your mission in this present life's short duration will earn you reward beyond comprehension; Paul saw things when taken to heaven he said there were not words lawful to utter in 2 Cor 12:4. That doesn't mean he was not allowed to speak of them; there was not language available to describe the things God has for us.

Dear Brother CE, walk the path God has chosen for you, be thankful, and continue glorifying God as your are. You say you are tired?
Continue your walk of faith and one day you with Paul will be able to utter these following words of the bride of Christ.
2Ti 4:6 For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand.
2Ti 4:7 I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:
2Ti 4:8 Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.

 

[Christ_empowered]

Ugh. I guess this is life with "severe, chronic mental illness," or at least...part of it. I think a lot of the tiredness is also...well, its only fairly recently that a lot of the psychotic, paranoid, agitated stuff has been cleared out (not 100%, but...I think this is about what I can expect from meds).

There's also...well, there's social isolation, there's the replay of what's been said to and about me, there's dealing with random people in a small town making comments and turning up their noses at me for no really good reason, people yelling from porches now and then, and...blah.

Plus, the realization that nobody's life is what you think it'll be at 15, at least not for 99% or so of us. The realization that, as much as I sometimes (often?) want to join the rat race, it may be too late. At a certain point, I think entering the job market is something of an uphill battle, and I don't know if I could get into the job market, much less stay in, and...blah.

I can write though. Lots of people who work hard, demanding, low paying jobs would love to live where I live, live like I live, etc. I mean, people can complain and stigmatize me, but my people take good care of me, lol.

Its...well, its like this: I'm alive (that's huge, trust me), I'm healthy, I'm smart, I'm loved by my parents, I write well, I live comfortably, I can do things with my mind again, and...I may always be considered "just a mental patient." Humbling? You betcha.

Thanks for your post, Eugene.

 

[Angel]

Just wondering,
Have you received counceling for trauma?

 

[Christ_empowered]

I had fairly intense, bi-weekly counseling with an M.Divinity, Calvinist SBC minister+counselor a while back. --Intense-- I developed some kinda psychotic depression or something during the process.

I think I'm getting over it, honestly. Things could be bad. They're not bad now, just...well, life never is what you think it'll be when you're a teenager. I think part of it is American culture. Even though the older people know life isn't all its cracked up to be, I guess its a cultural thing..."go for it!," etc. I dunno.

My parents seem to love me. They're also warming up to me as who I am now, not who I was back before Jesus saved me. Its strange...the "experts" all said I was NPD, wanted attention, blah blah blah. I got doped to the gills on top of my own drug acquisition (mostly just pot and random pills now and then) and had all kinds of problems, plus obvious brain damage from "treatment." OK. So, I got saved 3ish years ago...and now, I'm smart for the 1st time in over 10 years, no tics, twitches, tremor, "Thorazine Shuffle," etc., no drug addictions, completely different (normal!) personality, back at school, getting along well with people, forgiven, saved+ set free, and...

I'm apparently "severely mentally ill." No, for realsies this time, lol. At least we have modern meds...Abilify certainly beats out, say, Thorazine or whatever else they had back in the day. I don't even have to take lithium or depakote, so...wow. Thanks, Big Pharma (never thought I'd say that...and mean it, lol).

But, yeah, "Bipolar I w/ Psychotic Features." I guess its that other Bipolar I that isn't glamorized or even talked about. Too close to Schizophrenia+Schizoaffective, I guess. I dunno.

The neighbors will yell about my "Schizophrenia." I resisted it at first because of pride ("I'm BIPOLAR, not --Schizophrenic--"), as if a psychotic mood disorder is somehow better than a straight up psychotic disorder. Not so much. Now, I just don't like the Schizophrenia label because I feel/think that its used to invalidate people. "Oh, yeah...he's...schizophrenic" See what I mean? Then again, could be bad. Very, very bad. As chronically unemployed, severely mentally ill, former Rx junkies go...I'm living comfortably, in safety, no felonies (just that darn misdemeanor, lol), and...The Lord has been very, very good to me.

I just...I fall into dark moods because I don't know what, if anything, I can do in terms of bringing in my own $$$$ and such. Then again...I was short, button-nosed, prematurely aged, squeaky voiced, sickly, socially inept, etc. back when I was hospitalized age 20 and near death when hospitalized again age 23, so...what was I ever going to do, anyway? There's more to life than a job, although jobs are good...if you can get one and keep it.

To be fair to me, my current counselor says I was sick for a loooong time, even before the 1st hospitalization, and I just kinda floated through, on the fringes, without getting proper treatment and all. That's narrative #2. Makes sense...from what I can remember thru the haze, I started hearing voices at 15/16, but kept it to myself. I had a full on freak out at 17, in the dorms, and when I came home to rest (hadn't slept in 2 weeks), my dad said: Go back to school, or go to work at (local factory). So, off to school I went. Ugh.

I've rambled. Thanks for the posts, everyone.

 

[Angel]

Yeah. I don't go around in public saying, 'Hey! I'm schizophrenic!"
And I hate the phrase "Hearing Voices." I prefer to say, "I'm having hallucinations."
I hallucinate a lot more when I'm on my period, which has been these past couple of days.
Talking about my trauma makes me sick, too. But I have a feeling I am going to get past this....
I really do.
I believe in God's healing.

 

[Angel]

I just saw a commercial for ice cream flavored coffees a Duncan Donuts!

 

[GodsGrace]

Hi CE
Counselling.
It'll tend to cause depression.
We're not beautiful on the inside, are we?
Until we meet Jesus!
HE'S the best psychologist of all !

Wondering

 

[Christ_empowered]

Me again. I'm less tired, lol. I'm learning...to appreciate things. Attitude of gratitude (cheesy, I know, but catchy).

I was perfectly wretched before Jesus saved me. Did I choose Christ? I dunno. Didn't feel that way then, still doesn't now...but feelings aren't everything. Anyway...

Counseling now is easy breezy, but I kept a couple gems from when I saw the indepth dude. Like...happy people don't do indepth counseling. And...if you'll let Him, God will father you in a way no earthly father ever could (my dad is great, btw).

I dunno. "Severely mentally ill." "You're not Bipolar! You're SCHIZOPHRENIC!" So say the neighbors, now and then. I think of it as...my affliction, lol. Seriously. When you get to know "mentally ill" people, we all have stories and there are 1,000s of paths to madness. My story is strange in that I took all those Rx meds, Rx uppers and downers, had all that (involuntary) shock, and...now they say I'm "Bipolar I" or "Schizophrenic," depending on the "expert" you're dealing with (sorry about overuse of " ", I'm just trying to indicate my skepticism as best I can).

It gets kinda rough. 3ish years ago, a bit before I actually got saved, I said "Jesus healed me." now, keep in mind... I was expected to be dead by 23 (I was 27/28 at this point). People condescended to me, laughed, ohhhh, how cute...little brain damaged flamer says Jesus healed him, ha ha. Now...

Well, somehow I have my raw intelligence back. I can do things again, be in society, write, its good stuff. I'm physically healthy...I don't even have skin problems now. And...I'm not narcissistic. Self-involved? Absolutely. Too introspective? Guilty of that one. But I care about other people and I'm increasingly able to make room in my mind+heart for others. I don't use other people. I'm still apparently aloof, but...I dunno...that's just part of my personality. I don't require ego boosts near as much, and I can tolerate criticism better (usually its school work I'm thinking of here). I realize more than I did before that the rules --do-- apply to me. Obey the speed limit. Take your meds. do unto others as you would have done unto you. Oh, and...I'm not invincible. I read that a lot of teens feel invincible and do stupid things. I did. Now I don't.

I've rambled, yet again. Thanks for the posts.

((Oh, and Angel...you should try those new flavors @ DD. Around here, they have $1 iced coffee sales in the warmer months...maybe they'll do that there?))

 

[Rollo Tamasi]

Me again. I'm less tired, lol. I'm learning...to appreciate things. Attitude of gratitude (cheesy, I know, but catchy).

I was perfectly wretched before Jesus saved me. Did I choose Christ? I dunno. Didn't feel that way then, still doesn't now...but feelings aren't everything. Anyway...

Counseling now is easy breezy, but I kept a couple gems from when I saw the indepth dude. Like...happy people don't do indepth counseling. And...if you'll let Him, God will father you in a way no earthly father ever could (my dad is great, btw).

I dunno. "Severely mentally ill." "You're not Bipolar! You're SCHIZOPHRENIC!" So say the neighbors, now and then. I think of it as...my affliction, lol. Seriously. When you get to know "mentally ill" people, we all have stories and there are 1,000s of paths to madness. My story is strange in that I took all those Rx meds, Rx uppers and downers, had all that (involuntary) shock, and...now they say I'm "Bipolar I" or "Schizophrenic," depending on the "expert" you're dealing with (sorry about overuse of " ", I'm just trying to indicate my skepticism as best I can).

It gets kinda rough. 3ish years ago, a bit before I actually got saved, I said "Jesus healed me." now, keep in mind... I was expected to be dead by 23 (I was 27/28 at this point). People condescended to me, laughed, ohhhh, how cute...little brain damaged flamer says Jesus healed him, ha ha. Now...

Well, somehow I have my raw intelligence back. I can do things again, be in society, write, its good stuff. I'm physically healthy...I don't even have skin problems now. And...I'm not narcissistic. Self-involved? Absolutely. Too introspective? Guilty of that one. But I care about other people and I'm increasingly able to make room in my mind+heart for others. I don't use other people. I'm still apparently aloof, but...I dunno...that's just part of my personality. I don't require ego boosts near as much, and I can tolerate criticism better (usually its school work I'm thinking of here). I realize more than I did before that the rules --do-- apply to me. Obey the speed limit. Take your meds. do unto others as you would have done unto you. Oh, and...I'm not invincible. I read that a lot of teens feel invincible and do stupid things. I did. Now I don't.

I've rambled, yet again. Thanks for the posts.

((Oh, and Angel...you should try those new flavors @ DD. Around here, they have $1 iced coffee sales in the warmer months...maybe they'll do that there?))

You don't sound much different than me.
Just the circumstances are different.

 

[Angel]

There's a duncan donuts a couple miles from my home. I will try one of their drinks just for you!

 

[Christ_empowered]

Oh man...large iced coffee (or iced latte), flavored how ever you like it. Cool thing about the iced drinks...if you set them down and forget about them, they'll stay cold for a nice, long time. The hot drinks turn lukewarm rather quickly :-(

Just a suggestion.

 

[Angel]

What are the best flavors?

 

[Christ_empowered]

ummm....well, I live in the south, so I don't think we get all the fun flavors some other places get, lol. Me? I go for a large iced coffee (sometimes latte) w/ caramel+mocha (together at last, lol).

The lady who works there when I go to the drive thru worked at 1 up north...she said some of the franchises there have crazy flavor options, and people would request complicated mixes of flavors...

Take a look at the menu and see what appeals to you. You can put 2,3+ flavors in there, if you feel like it. Just...don't go sugar free ((personal advice)).

 

[Angel]

Ok :D
I think I would like caramel!

 

[Christ_empowered]

I'm much less tired. Good, heavy, restorative sleep helps tremendously. So does prayer. And...well, growing up. Bullying is a part of life, especially when you're an Outsider, "not a member of the community," a former wretch saved and transformed by Christ, etc. I always feel like this situation is somehow unique to me when, really, this has happened (is happening, will happen) to other people, too. The specifics may be different, but the overall situation...happens.

I'm not blaming the meds as much. Honestly, if it wasn't for the Rx stuff right now, I'd be...well, actually, I'd be in a hospital, taking Rx stuff involuntarily :-( . Such is life, I suppose.

I'm blessed all over. There's this play, No Exit, by a French existentialist. If I remember correctly...its one man and two women. They're stuck in eternity together, and its...I only vaguely remember it. Good read. The play ends with this lil gem:

Hell is other people.