[__ Prayer __] "speak all matter of evil against you falsely"

[Christ_empowered]

I got saved 3 years 8 months ago. I was living in a brain damaged haze from waaay too much (involuntary) electroshock. I was all of 28 years old, and my life had been over for years (and I was the last one to know it).

Now, I'm out of the haze (!!!!), by God's grace. And I find...

...I'm not a member of this community. Not only do people--some of them powerful, like my ex-psychiatrists--currently speak all matter of evil against me falsely, they've been doing it for over 10 years. I did have involuntary shock, but The Lord has blessed me with enough memories to know what is true and what is false about my past, especially the more scandalous material.

When I was a teenager and into age 20, docs gave me all kindsa addictive, controlled substances. I had good insurance, my family was "nice" enough for around here, and I was expected to be dead in a couple years. Adderall? Sure, kiddo!

So, now, it turns out...there's rumors going on about that, people saying I did sexual things for pills. These rumors have probably been circulating for years, and I'm just now with it enough to understand what's been floating around me all these years (and has intensified since Jesus saved me and I "recovered").

That's just 1 example. One set of neighbors will talk about me being "passed around" (sorry to be graphic; its what they say...) and say nasty sexual stuff about me. There was apparently some inappropriate sexual contact between a former psychiatrist and me. I don't know anything about the incident, but based on what I've overheard around here, there are pictures, which is super special. This would be the shrink who shocked me in round 1. My best bet is that I was heavily sedated when it happened, so I don't remember. Fun times!

I got myself a serious misdemeanor because I sent an ex-shrink angry emails. I was charged with a felony, but my dad hired a dude who (Praise God!) got it down to a misdemeanor, with probation. I may even be able to get the conviction sealed once I"m off probation (that would hide the conviction from most, but not all, background checks). So, people will yell at me about having a Felony, "your public defender can't save you," and "the judge took pity on you, f@ggot," etc.

I post on this all the time. Its just...being surrounded by lies, lies, and more lies is frustrating. In good news...my mental problems (apparently, Bipolar I) respond well to standard meds. I'm praying that God will see fit to give me what I need to become autonomous, maybe even fully independent. At any rate...I'd very much like to live somewhere besides this area, but...I'm safe here, with my people housing and protecting and supporting me and all. Plus, I'm fairly certain that when I lived in a neighboring state for about 1 year, people from around here spread some of my info. Yes, that --sounds-- paranoid, but...I'm the pariah in a small, southern town. I angered powerful people (psychiatrists, in particular), and people around here seem obsessed with making me go to prison and/or live in abject poverty (exact quote from a townie: "You don't like it, you can move out into a trailer park!"). Point is...if I move without resources and/or people behind me, I'll have troubles. Again.

So, yeah...lies. Speak all matter of evil against you falsely. Some of it is actually kind of amusing. I --was-- prematurely aged. Not as bad as I had been in years past, but...not doing so well. I got saved and...while I wasn't paying attention...my barely patched up premature aging gave way to health. I now look a bit younger than my age (nothing freakish). The townies talk about botox and "laser peels," as if I have the resources to do anything like that. My hair has grown back, except for a widows peak. The townies speak of "plugs," "prescription strength Rogaine," and...when all else fails...they simply call me a freak.

Things could be far, far worse. Things could be Terrible, and they're not. I live with people who love me in a very comfortable house. I even have a decent, reliable car to drive. The Lord has willed that I recover from so-called "treatment," so now the next step is to live out having a spirit of a sound mind.

As usual, I'm venting. People talk about "probation violations," prison, jail, "a lil prison time would be good ya!," all that fun stuff. It was far worse before I got saved and "recovered," its just...well, now that I'm not in the la-la-land, electroshocked fairyland...its scary. Its scary to remember my own sins, scary to hear about things that were done to me that I don't remember now and never did remember, and scary to see...The World is a terrible, terrible place. The World is truly Fallen and marred and scarred by sin, and I was held in deeeeep bondage, until Christ saved me and set me free.

I've rambled, lol. I'm surrounded by lies and lying liars who lie, lie, lie...and I can't really do anything about the situation. I pray often, I come here, I ask for prayer daily (I know...I know...), and I'm making progress in my life because of Christ (I consider all the good things "the sweetness of The Lord," as it plays out in my own life...). In a very real sense, my life has changed for the (very) good. I'm now a New Creation in Christ Jesus, and I don't live the way I used to.

Stil...I get scared, I get a bit paranoid. When the actual past is thrown up in my face, that's rough enough. When this exaggerrated version of my past, plus things that apparently happened that I never knew about, is thrown up in my face...well, I pray about, I come here, but...it gets rough, clearly.

So, please...offer up a prayer for me. Replies, advice, etc. are also --always-- appreciated.

 

[turnorburn]

Our help comes from the Lord..

Psalm 112:1 Praise ye the LORD. Blessed is the man that feareth the LORD, that delighteth greatly in his commandments.

2 His seed shall be mighty upon earth: the generation of the upright shall be blessed.

3 Wealth and riches shall be in his house: and his righteousness endureth for ever.

4 Unto the upright there ariseth light in the darkness: he is gracious, and full of compassion, and righteous.

5 A good man sheweth favour, and lendeth: he will guide his affairs with discretion.

6 Surely he shall not be moved for ever: the righteous shall be in everlasting remembrance.

7 He shall not be afraid of evil tidings: his heart is fixed, trusting in the LORD.

8 His heart is established, he shall not be afraid, until he see his desire upon his enemies.

9 He hath dispersed, he hath given to the poor; his righteousness endureth for ever; his horn shall be exalted with honour.

10 The wicked shall see it, and be grieved; he shall gnash with his teeth, and melt away: the desire of the wicked shall perish

 

[Douglas Summers]

Stil...I get scared, I get a bit paranoid. When the actual past is thrown up in my face, that's rough enough. When this exaggerrated version of my past, plus things that apparently happened that I never knew about, is thrown up in my face...well, I pray about, I come here, but...it gets rough, clearly.

It is the Adamic nature of man, they are everywhere and out number the humbled and healed of Christ. But like a man who had good intentions of getting around to doing something that he knew he needed to do, that was always in the back of his mind. Time ran out! These men foolishly act like time last forever ( in their mind ). But when the last door is closed, and they look back, life was just a whisper, compared to eternity. As I see them looking back, and the stark reality of what lies ahead for them, I see no tough man, nor a man with universal power over people, or a fierce man that ruled others by fear, that had no one to judge or question his action because he was supreme over all (or at least he though he was) until the last door was shut behind him. It grieved me as I saw them standing there in fear and helpless, like the many they lorded over. They were as a small timid child, lost in the wilderness, waiting for the judgment, before Almighty God.

Empowered, their day will come and they will have to stand before the Judgment seat of Christ. And it grieves me because, after the last door, there is no Hope.

 

[Eugene]

.
Prayer goes forward daily for you my friend. The more of Jesus, the less of you, the more dependent, the less the fear because you've taken and laid it where there is no failure. Where did Paul succeed where many fail?

2 Cor 11:30 If I must needs glory, I will glory of the things which concern mine infirmities.

2 Cor 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Cor 12:10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

Do not forget that Jesus was tested also to the point of need ministering to afterwards. Mat 4:11.
How did Jesus fight? It is written!
Luk 4:12 And Jesus answering said unto him, It is said, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.
Luk 4:13 And when the devil had ended all the temptation, he departed from him for a season.
And Satan appears again after a season to tempt you and me.
Know who you are in Christ, run the race, fight the good fight, and as the woman at Jesus' feet as it were we read of in
Mat 26:7 There came unto him a woman having an alabaster box of very precious ointment, and poured it on his head, as he sat at meat. Purpose your life in, and for Him and observe Satan taking a different direction for yet another season. Think on this following song a which I also enjoy as solace for a life seemingly wasted at times.
Brother, there is peace for you.

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=america's got talent alabaster box

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, everyone.

I don't know what I'll be able to do with my life. Its America...you go off the rails, boom! You're done. Usually...

...could be far, far worse. I don't have a felony, I'm not in jail, prison, on some kind of crazy intense probation, living in real poverty, living where I can be easily oppressed, living still in that brain damaged haze, etc. etc. etc.

I'm becoming more peaceful as time goes on. OK, its not really time, its Christ, answered prayers, etc. I hope to do something with my life, I just...don't know what, yet. Maybe I'll be on disability indefinitely. That's OK. The Lord has made me healthy, smart, and...given me a bit of faith. There are worse things than living out one's days as a "genteel Schizophrenic," or whatever else it is I've been labeled (I mean, besides "uppity mental patient...").

Maybe I'm here (feeling stuck) for a reason. I was sickly and sick until recently. I had all kindsa physical problems from a young age, plus the mental affliction(s) and drugs and...and...you get the picture. Now, The Lord has transformed me, so like any other Born Again child of God, I've got a light that shines (thought it flickers at times...) and God's work in my life bears witness to some of His character+being. Good stuff.

So, maybe I'm here for now, maybe for a long time, because...Jesus saves. I say "why not me?," they say "Why HIM?". Maybe that's one of the "points" of all this...Jesus still cares about the least of these, even when nobody else has much of anything except for condemnation, ridicule, and shame for "society's rejects" (a college age young woman called me that a while back...).

Plus, there's my family. We weren't a family for a long time, because of my own sins and just...well, the way things are/were. Now, we're increasingly close and there's genuine love and warmth there where before there was coldness, distance, animosity (understanbly so...).

As for me...I was expected to be dead by 23. At 23, I moved to try to finish school. Looking back, I think I was closer to death than I'll ever know. Anyway, my life was supposed to be over nearly a decade ago (I'm now 32), so...my life belongs to The Lord, perhaps more so, or at least more obviously, than many other peoples'. I'm blessed simply to be alive, to be free, to be healthy, to be smart enough for my goals, etc. etc. etc. Maybe I wasn't spared and saved to be a 9 to 5-er. It certainly looks that way right now.

I've rambled. I appreciate the prayers, the replies, the Scripture verses...

 

[Eugene]

Dear Brother Christ_empowered, I continue to believe your worst agitator or harasser you face is you. On another post you made you expressed your skepticism of OSAS, and to some I've experienced thinking that way persist in reevaluating their present manner of life. Those that don't are apt to take on the Pharisee attitude of keeping themselves.
Jesus died for us without merit, He keeps us though it amazes me as to why, and He awaits us with a reward instead of condemnation. C.E., you can put your trust that He continues His work in your life and will do so until we are in His very presence. Does He have work for you? Trust Him to provide it. If you lose your hair, trust Him to restore it, or have you no faith? (Private joke to a dear brother in Christ I hope doesn't sick bears on me. 2 Kings 2:23-24).
There's absolutely nothing you can't take to God's throne of grace. Do it, believe it, and notice the difference.

 

[Christ_empowered]

Thanks, Eugene. As much as I love me some Pentecostals...its dawned on me that their theology may be somewhat...lacking. OSAS is true, and, honestly...it puts my mind at ease just thinking about it. This idea that I have to keep salvation, that one particularly bad misstep will=Hell...I'm beginning to see that its not Biblical and it makes you...well...crazy(er).

Thanks again.