Struggling at new church

[Testing]

Hi all. I've been out of fellowship for the best part of 20 years but have recently been regularly going to a new church for about 4 months now.

The church is theologically sound, the pastor is energetic and passionate, the church has community programs plus youth group, children's ministry etc.

When I first started fellowship, the senior pastor introduced himself to me and we spoke a little bit. He seemed genuine and interested in me as a person. After that, I noticed he never engaged with me anymore. A couple of times I've said hello and he's said hello and how are you? in return with no further conversation. His wife I have never spoken to at all.

I had a nice conversation in the beginning with the youth pastor. And same thing. No more conversations afterwards. I tried to engage with him recently and he just mumbled a few words and then walked away. I could clearly see by his facial expressions he was not interested in any dialogue with me. Ditto for the senior pastor. Whenever I say hello I see he's not interested in conversing with me and he just is being polite.

I am greatly discouraged and disheartened. The church is solid in every way but I have no engagement whatsoever with the pastors. Even worse I feel ignored. This is the first Sunday coming up that I want to have a break and not attend. I don't feel I'm of any value and am now considering trying another church fellowship. There is no way I consider these pastors shepherds to me in any way as I have no interactions with them. There are pastors to their church, but not a shepherd or influence to me personally.

I was hoping to get other people's thoughts and opinions. Thank you.

 

[Christ_empowered]

I can relate. When I tried to go to church while living in another state I was shunned by the other church members. I was living off my parents and they came to the conclusion that I must be living off welfare. Did not go well…

 

[jasonc]

It's fine, I'm not going anywhere. But it's not right, I don't care what you or anyone says. If you can't make meaningful fellowship with someone in 4 months and absolutely zero contact from your wife in that time, from a small church only, it's not good. I don't care what you or anyone says.

And you wonder why gen Z has mostly abandoned faith. This old style thinking that church is just what you do doesn't cut it anymore these days. That's how I was raised and that's why I have returned. But it doesn't work on today's youth.

I'm an introvert.i simply can and have desired to be alone to include my wife .I have my own depths.

I simply wouldn't expect ,case you just proved,that the civilian without my condition doesn't get that vets and those with it ,hate people .

I wake up in bad moods from dreams and or problems .it's my choice to control it .my base mode is leave me alone ,if I want to talk I will .

If I'm called to church and I have .my base nature would be to ignore those like you and yet I strive not to and get that others have their hang ups are extroverts .

The pastors wife would bother me with asking about my day when deep down I was angry .I didn't want to share that or when I did she by nature asks but is like many a more of greeting and that extrovert style of asking about your day .

I decided to observe and see if it was just me she does that too and it's not .I quelled my silly anger .she is that way .at times she has shown compassion where I couldn't .numbness to death and suffering is a problem with some with PTSD .

Sometimes even in church it's good to have thick skin and not everyone will notice or like you .I have never been into crowds and know that even with extroverts few people can manage deep friendships with more then say two or three

 

[Testing]

I can relate. When I tried to go to church while living in another state I was shunned by the other church members. I was living off my parents and they came to the conclusion that I must be living off welfare. Did not go well…

Yeah that's what I mean. Some of the people here replying completely forget how times have changed drastically since we were kids. The old ways of faith and doing church don't work anymore. When I was a kid, most people called themselves Christian and church attendance was a given, and was high. Some people today just take that for granted and are completely oblivious to the new reality.

Even knowledge of biblical basics can't be taken for granted anymore. How about listen to someone out of the church for 2 decades and returning?

Statistics are on my side. The declining profession of Christian faith and fellowship, especially amongst the youth. Amongst young people, Christianity is like Christianity in Europe-all but non existent. I say that very regrettably.

 

[jasonc]

I wasn't raised in church .

 

[Testing]

As I said before, I will continue to have fellowship same and not fall away. I just can't help thinking if another person comes into the church that's been previously offended or hurt or vulnerable, easily offended etc., and church leaders and their wives aren't making any meaningful contact with them. They will just come a couple of times and then not come back anymore.

Forget about being convicted or anything. That's why they're in a vulnerable and delicate state. I say this to all of us in church. Please circulate to everyone in your church. Don't have your clique groups you congregate to.

And leaders. Be especially aware of new people. And if you say well they're not all that extrovert personality. Then I say bad luck. You and your wife find another jobb then. You've been called to be a pastor. That's part of your job to mingle with everyone and especially new people.

 

[jasonc]

As I said before, I will continue to have fellowship same and not fall away. I just can't help thinking if another person comes into the church that's been previously offended or hurt or vulnerable, easily offended etc., and church leaders and their wives aren't making any meaningful contact with them. They will just come a couple of times and then not come back anymore.

Forget about being convicted or anything. That's why they're in a vulnerable and delicate state. I say this to all of us in church. Please circulate to everyone in your church. Don't have your clique groups you congregate to.

And leaders. Be especially aware of new people.

So he never talked to you?

In order to have a meaningful relationship it's more then just casual chat .

I wouldn't expect my pastor to understand PTSD .he never served.i do mention that I have sought counseling to him from a sister church that he knows the pastor as they rent the sanctuary and we have had joint service .I told him why and he respected my decision and I gave my permission should the two talk that they can discuss my spiritual issues . They have .

You can't expect a meaningful relationship from just shallow talk to happen as it does take two and also as tenchi says . especially in these church hopping days .I'm guilty of that but my church and it's faults.i have decided to plant .can't grow if I constantly look for a perfect church for me .like that would exist .

Now that said my pastor connects to all that do come if he is able .I have seen him do it .that's his nature . I can't at the same expect him to meet me and encourage me on the drop of a dime .he has kids and members to address .I do ask for prayer and he relays that . I know because members ask me about this or that .

 

[Hopeful 2]

I won't be finding out his hobbies and interests. Not interested. For goodness sakes, I'm there at his church every week, I'm always up for some fellowship. So if if he wants to talk to me he can. Once again, I think church leaders circulating around the congregation have the responsibility to talk to everyone. When new people come in, surely leaders should be engaging. That's a given. As if I'm going now to be digging around and exploring his personal life and hobbies. He needs to talk to me and engage for that to happen.

If you are not out-going, it will hurt you.

Do they have a mid-week service or bible study you can go to ?
They always end in conversations between members.

 

[Testing]

If you are not out-going, it will hurt you.

Do they have a mid-week service or bible study you can go to ?
They always end in conversations between members.

Yes, I go to a mid week Bible study. If doesn't make any difference. On Sunday's, if I don't go up to my home group leader and say hello, then we don't chat. And as I said before, last Sunday I went up to him, said hello and had a small chat with his wife by his side. I never met his wife in the whole time I've been there. And his wife just stood there the whole time and didn't introduce herself to me or talk to me at all.

This isn't good enough everyone.

 

[Hopeful 2]

Yes, I go to a mid week Bible study. If doesn't make any difference. On Sunday's, if I don't go up to my home group leader and say hello, then we don't chat. And as I said before, last Sunday I went up to him, said hello and had a small chat with his wife by his side. I never met his wife in the whole time I've been there. And his wife just stood there the whole time and didn't introduce herself to me or talk to me at all.

This isn't good enough everyone.

Telling us won't help you.
Tell the minister and his folks.

 

[Testing]

Telling us won't help you.
Tell the minister and his folks.

Really? You expect me to go up to my home group leader and say how I didn't like it when I was talking to him with his wife standing next to him, and say how his wife didn't bother introducing herself or didn't talk to me?

Or go up to the senior minister and say how I don't like it how his wife hasn't had a single chat with me in 4 months? Or say to him how I don't like how only I get polite pleasantries from him?

How about you get real? No one is realistically going to be doing that. Come on now.

 

[eddif]

Really? You expect me to go up to my home group leader and say how I didn't like it when I was talking to him with his wife standing next to him, and say how his wife didn't bother introducing herself or didn't talk to me?

Or go up to the senior minister and say how I don't like it how his wife hasn't had a single chat with me in 4 months? Or say to him how I don't like how only I get polite pleasantries from him?

How about you get real? No one is realistically going to be doing that. Come on now.

Testing
Life is a struggle.

God’s love goes two ways. God has a good word for good and a bad word/answer for the bad.

We see the goodness and severity of God. Some folks think just one way or the other and exclude the other way.

If you see something to be critical about, try to look for the good too. Promote the good.

If I do bad I want discipline to come. Better to face it now. Encouragement when I need it. Both do not require my anger. Regretfully I have to admit to being angry at times. My anger will not work the righteousness of God.

James 1:20 kjv
20. For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

It appears God’s wrath is better than our wrath. God help us know the difference. Maybe a study of Elihu would help.

Mississippi redneck
eddif

 

[WIP]

But it's not right, I don't care what you or anyone says.

This too, could be a part of the problem.

 

[WIP]

I just can't help thinking if another person comes into the church that's been previously offended or hurt or vulnerable, easily offended etc., and church leaders and their wives aren't making any meaningful contact with them. They will just come a couple of times and then not come back anymore.

So, you be that person.

 

[Testing]

So, you be that person.

I am already. I speak to everyone as much as I can and last Sunday I specifically went up to a couple that were visitors and said hello.

I will continue on as is, and whatever happens, happens.

However.......

I have promised myself that if I move location which is on the cards, that I will not tolerate this same situation again. If I attend a new church that is only small and church leaders are not engaging, I will definately leave and find another church. I'll put up with this church currently as long as I am living in the same area. But I will not put up with the same situation again in another church in another area.

I've thought long and hard about this and that is my resolution. But definately will not tolerate the same again elsewhere.

 

[Tenchi]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to me. The next Sunday I will go to a church that my late father was a part of. I know the minister personally and I'm very fond of him. He does a food based community outreach and works very hard and faithfully and I have enormous respect for him. In fact, he performed as minister for my late father's funeral.

Well, this sounds like a better fit than your present church.

I would normally go to his church but unfortunately it's a Pentecostal church which I fell out of 20 years ago. I can't tolerate the long service, half a dozen songs, the tongues which to me are questionable, the so called slain in the spirit etc. But the pastor is an absolute gem who I have nothing but respect for.

No church is perfect, right? That's one of the underlying points of this thread, it seems to me.

FYI: I don't see anywhere in the Bible an example of being "slain in the Spirit" nor any teaching encouraging it. The only ones in the NT who acted anything like a person "slain in the Spirit" were those who were demon-possessed. Interesting, no? Anyway, be careful about the "signs and wonders" stuff. The more a pursuit of God is fleshly, appealing to the physical senses, the less spiritual it is (Galatians 5:17; Romans 8:5-8; Romans 7:18).

So I'll attend his church next week in lieu of mine. After that I'll take a week off and not attend any church on Sunday. That'll give me two weeks break from my own church and then I'll pick myself up and go back to mine again.

God has a different, better way to prepare to love and serve the church of which you've made yourself a part. But that way is centered on Him, requiring that you be under His constant control, seeking and serving His will and way, not your own.

Romans 8:11-14
11 But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.
12 So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh—
13 for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live.
14 For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.

Matthew 16:24-25
24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.
25 "For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.

Philippians 2:13
13 for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.

James 4:6-10
6 ..."God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble."
7 Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
9 Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom.
10 Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.

1 Peter 5:6
6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time,

Philippians 4:13
13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

 

[Hopeful 2]

Really? You expect me to go up to my home group leader and say how I didn't like it when I was talking to him with his wife standing next to him, and say how his wife didn't bother introducing herself or didn't talk to me?

Why not ?
How come you didn't introduce yourself to her ?

Or go up to the senior minister and say how I don't like it how his wife hasn't had a single chat with me in 4 months? Or say to him how I don't like how only I get polite pleasantries from him?

Speak up or leave.
Why stew about it if you won't do something about it ?

How about you get real? No one is realistically going to be doing that. Come on now.

You have been stewing on this four months ?
Are you afraid to speak to the minister ?

 

[WIP]

I am already. I speak to everyone as much as I can and last Sunday I specifically went up to a couple that were visitors and said hello.

I will continue on as is, and whatever happens, happens.

However.......

I have promised myself that if I move location which is on the cards, that I will not tolerate this same situation again. If I attend a new church that is only small and church leaders are not engaging, I will definately leave and find another church. I'll put up with this church currently as long as I am living in the same area. But I will not put up with the same situation again in another church in another area.

I've thought long and hard about this and that is my resolution. But definately will not tolerate the same again elsewhere.

This may be true but reading your posts it would appear that you are extremely judgmental of everyone else's reaction and interaction with you. You cannot control others but you can control yourself. Be the best you you can be and don't worry about what others do or say or how they act.

 

[Testing]

This may be true but reading your posts it would appear that you are extremely judgmental of everyone else's reaction and interaction with you. You cannot control others but you can control yourself. Be the best you you can be and don't worry about what others do or say or how they act.

You're right I know. I'm not leaving and I'll just continue and plug away and be supportive. Like nothing else you can do as you say.

 

[Tenchi]

You're right I know. I'm not leaving and I'll just continue and plug away and be supportive. Like nothing else you can do as you say.

This is certainly to head in the right - that is, in God's - direction. But be careful how you "plug away and be supportive." You don't want to be trying to achieve a godly end by fleshly means. There is no godly, God-pleasing way to do as you've described above by way of mere human strength of will. God wants to use us as conduits through whom He expresses Himself; we are to be "vessels sanctified and prepared for the Master's use" (2 Timothy 2:21). God isn't all desirous of you or me offering our best version of His life and power to others. No, God intends that we should be "walking in/by the Spirit" all the time, and so, filled and enabled by the Holy Spirit to be a living manifestation of God.

Philippians 2:13
13 for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.

Ephesians 3:16
16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man,

Galatians 5:16
16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh.

Galatians 5:25
25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.

If we aren't walking in/by the Spirit, we can only be walking in the flesh, which, God promises, always only produces the flesh, not God, and so corruption and death of various kinds, not the life of God.

Romans 8:5-8
5 For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit.
6 For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace,
7 because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so,
8 and those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

Galatians 6:7-8
7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.
8 For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.

 

[ari.sketch]

I just started going to a church as well (a month now), been a while since I've been in a church and in fellowship with fellow believers,
I'm also in a very low moment of my life, going through a storm/trial - this may affect how I view things as well.

Going to a new church and not feeling you belong is something I have experienced before, so I can somewhat relate, and just to let you know, I didn't stick around.

This time around I know it's not going to be perfect, but that's OK, I'm not, either - I'm just grateful to be in a Christian environment and be with other Christians.
And really, really grateful that it's working out fine so far.

It is a smaller church (within a large church - it's the English ministry of a big Korean church).

The pastor and his family seems nice, and yes, he is very busy, simple hellos and handshakes are usually what passes between us, though I did speak to him at length once about my current situation, he seemed very supportive, and I was very appreciative for his time.

Regarding my interaction with other members, often times it was me ("the newcomer") that initiated the conversation/talk, but I'm fine with that, I can't, and don't want, to dictate how others should or should not do/act, I'm not going to be hassled by that, I'm too old for that :tongue

In this situation, the OP's situation,
I would pray and ask God whether this is the church where He wants me to be planted and grow,
knowing that a plant also requires soil/manure to grow, meaning that it's not going to be all sunshine.

Even though I believe it's asking too much for the lead pastor to accommodate everyone, there should be small group leaders (pastors by their own right), and community/ministry leaders that can help oversee the whole congregation.

If the OP's church lack small groups or other ministry to help raise leaders, I would definitely pray to God if this is the church He wants me to be ... and if the answer is 'yes', find out how I can best serve the church, because another name for the church is the bride of Christ, she might not be perfect or great to look at now, but God is perfecting her and we have a role to play, one and foremost is to serve.