The Absent Dad

[Sparkey]

There is a great rift in the American family that has, in my opinion, done more harm than can be measured. Even in traditional "nuculear families" that are comprised of two parents it is more often than not the case that 'Daddy' is missing. He's at work following the need he feels to provide which isn't a bad thing except when it becomes the focus to the exclusion of other more important issues.

If it could be said that the goal and function of the family is to raise healthy, productive children -- then it follows that this would be the primary function of the leader (so called) of the family.

When I look at the goals of the Women's Movement who have said that they want equality with men a certain amount of admiration is formed. At least they have defined and communicated the basic idea to society in general. That progress has helped get advertisers on their side, because they know where the money is. Advertisers have spent billions upon billions trying to understand how the different demographics think and have targeted women (the ones who hold the purse-strings in most families) as well as children. Women have benefited from this but have also been hurt by marketing attempts to "empower" them. They are constantly being subjected with the need to remain young and sexually alluring because that's the key to sales in the minds of madison avenue - fear.

In the same way, men have been portrayed as, frankly --idiots. The stories and narratives that are spun by those who control the sales campaigns and marketing stragedies portray men as bumbling idiots or as pimps or as a generation who has sold out and consider money to be the solution to all problems. Success has been redefined and men's abjucation of duty to family and especially children has been ignored, replaces by the respect gained from atheletic prowess or financial success. What are men? They are [fill in the blank]. How far down the list must we travel to find the answer: fathers and/or dads? If men were more joined in and focused on the need to raise healthy children, if they were not absent at PTA, if they lead their families and insisted on the basics, education, moral fiber, proper nutrition, and the real and primary role of fathers --> to delight their children, how much would THAT go to heal our nation and society? How quickly would women jump back into the union they once dreamed of? It is my thought that if dads were no longer absent in heart from the family, families could then go on to much more than they can today foresee or even dream of. The momentum of such a thing, in truth --> would supply such directed, self-reinforcing power that (again, in my opinion) healing would flow.


I started this post to see if we could generate discussion about how society has made it okay for dads to just become token fathers and how images and roles they play on television, in commercials (can you even think of a 'dad commercial') in newsmedia is shaping our ideas to our detriment. Your thoughts and contributions are welcome.

~Sparrow

 

[Sparkey]

A father is someone who has to believe in their children, and be proud of everything that their child does. A child needs to have a father that "delivers", in other words, a father in which they can count on. When a dad says he will take them his kids to the part next weekend, the kids would expect to go to the park - because he is reliable and has a history of keeping his word. Where has the disconnect from reliablity come from? How has distrust replaced love in the minds of most?

But a real Father is more than just a "disneyland dad". A truly good father isn't afraid to discipline his children. He needs to discipline them to educate the correct thing to do early in childhood. Weak fathers give in, and allow children to do whatever they want. He communicates his love in a way that his kids can understand and anger is never allowed to break the primary bond that thrives between him and his kids.

The love that a father has for his children is absent from expression in most families and that is (in my opinion) exactly what has harmed our society more than anything else that I see today. How can we do better? Dad tips are welcome.

~Sparrow

PS. Maybe I should have created this thread in the Parenting section but since I wanted more input than I would get from parents who care (found there) I thought it would be better in General. Feel free to move this thread if that's better, Mod - I won't mind.

 

[reba]

WOW AMEN


I agree with your posts! A quick one thing a dad can do is LOVE the mom.

I was bless with a great dad i had to grow up before i saw just how great he was..

TV makes men look stupid and the sadly church is following suit.

 

[farouk]

WOW AMEN


I agree with your posts! A quick one thing a dad can do is LOVE the mom.

I was bless with a great dad i had to grow up before i saw just how great he was..

TV makes men look stupid and the sadly church is following suit.

Parents who love and respect each other are a great foundation.

In North America, the workforce is traditionally very mobile and sometimes the father's (temporary?) absences are through no fault of his own.

 

[handy]

This is a timely subject for our family, Sparrowhawke.

We have gone through a time, during this rotten economy, where my husband has had to work a long way from home and stay in town most of the week. We said goodbye Monday morning (sometimes even Sunday night) and saw him on Fridays.

We are now at the end of this trying time, praise God...but still, there has been fall-out.

I realized just how much Sunday evening when, in a reversal of the usual, my daughter and I stayed in town and my husband and son were home. When my daughter and I were together, I reprimanded her about some disrespect she showed her daddy before they left...she's a mouthy teenager and needed a mom-smack. It was really something how much bitterness poured out of her about how much Steve has been away from home. It wasn't that she didn't understand...she does, she truly does, but nonetheless having a more-or-less absent Daddy took a toll on her, and it just sort of came out Sunday night.

It just reinforced to me just how important a father's love and being there is for children. We need mothers and fathers...both are vital to a child's health and well being. I know that there are situations in which a dad cannot be there, but when he isn't there is a gap...there just is. As a young teen girl, our daughter needs her daddy more than ever, that was made crystal clear to me Sunday night.

What kind of dad tips do I have, especially for Dad's that might be in the same situation we've been in? Just take every opportunity to spend time with your children...play with them, talk with them, take them out for ice cream, discipline when necessary (don't make the mistake of not disciplining, children need this and it actually results in more secure children, even if they say that hate you for it!)

Steve did all this and more...he truly did his best to stay engaged with the family as much as humanly possible...and yet even then....the impact on our daughter was greater than we realized.

 

[Sparkey]

To Handy: That is exactly what I was trying to say: There is a gap. So often that gap is so great that it MUST be filled and then here we go... the wheel turns and the next available commodity does its' best to fill the whole (hole) we (absent dads) have created in our kids.

No, I'm not really trying to blame too much on dads but rather, I'm trying to point to a cure to the major ills we have in society today. It's a healing touch delivered by God through Dads, nothing less that I'm trying to address. When we look at symbols and underlying messages we should stop and ask, "What we are doing?" and then compare our acts to the lesson that God wants to send to us. So many today think that God is absent (or just doesn't care enough) and that is the last thing we want to teach our kids when they are in their formative years.
____________

To Reba: YES! Letting children actually see the inner workings of love as it flows is critical and you've hit the nail on the head there as well. Remove domestic violence. Okay. Done. Now what? It is not enough to simply stop doing evil, we must not only sweep the house and get it clean, it must be filled with good. I'm a strong supporter of protecting children but that does not mean they can never see the kiss given in the morning, or the kiss delivered upon return, that they should not see his eyes light up when he considers the very love of his life or even that they should not see the way of fighting and how we deal with our differences.

Patience is taught when kids see their mom and dad working together to resolve differences. That too is a PDA (Public Display of Affection). One we need more of. --I could go on an on.
____________________

To farouk - indeed there are many and various pressures that affect 'modern' families including the need to go to where sufficient money can be made. Demands that are made by corporations and employers are not often family sensitive. I'd like to hear more, if you would, do you have any solution that could work?

Thanks for the replies -I'm playing hookie from my homework by going to the forum but need to get back to the books - finals are approaching way too fast.

~Sparrow

 

[Rinid]

ok umm have to step back a minute. I agree with most of this but not the general terms. Maybe because i'm different. See when married I often went to PTA meetings, sorta. My wife had 3 kids from a prev marriage and they were all diabetic. The school would often tell her that they were going on a field trip and that her kids couldn't go. I would then go down there and tell them they are going and won't be forgotten about because of there medical condition. Me having a bone disease felt very personal about this issue. They would cave and after that year we went to a charter school so that they could be treat equal without having to fight the school. I was literrally on first name basis with the principal and she told me that the grade our kids were in would not be going on any field trips the next year. I told her don't lose focus on this year please. The school felt the nurse had to be there.. said no they can take care of themselves but the teacher needs to give them there medical stuff when needed. They made the nurse go each time they caved. At the charter school I went to all school meetings worried that my wife may cave on the kids here. They did much of the same as pta but was with the charter school so that why I say sorta. I also tried to make sure my family was taken care of. I realized I didn't have to long to be around so wanted to get the most I could. It wasn't but maybe a year ago that I learned my disease doesn't shorten life span. Because I didn't want to give my disease to my kids and was told 100% chance (wrong also BTW) I put dating aside and was only when she couldn't have anymore kids, yet needed help with the ones she had that I decided to try. maybe that made me appreciate what I had that much more. In order to make sure I did the best I could I had to miss work at times. I had to take vacation days to visit the school. I had to find school that held most of it meetings at times I was off work so I could attend. I had to set priorities. It wasn't easy and often times meant that we didn't have as much money as we could have if I didn't miss work etc. I put a higher priority on making sure they were getting all they could out of things rather than money to spend as long as we met our bills and sometimes it meant we ate more chicken than we would have otherwise.

That being said others are out there that has done the same thing. I'm not the only one. In those i've found they also had to make priorities and take less money or a different job in order to spend more time with the family. Some got there family involved with the way they make money. This isn't a thing for all of us but those that are deadline based jobs often you can involve your kids in some part, as long as the point is to get to spend time with them. Businesses people own is another way but not everyone can own a business, or wants to. What it comes back to is what is important to you, making money the most you can, or spending time with your family and building on your marriage. Trust me having gone through a divorce it can cost more than what you can make staying at work.

 

[Sparkey]

Hi, Rinid! Thanks,

It sounds to me like you cared for your kids and took a personal interest in them. I too am diabetic as is my sister (now passed away) so you grabbed my attention right away with that part. My experience when I met with teachers and attended school functions was often repeated, "I wish more father's took your kind of interest in their kids." That's the key.

We can rightly expect that amongst Christians, those who actually worship Love (God is Love) - there would (should) be more evidence of good effect. I'm also divorced and was a single dad for quite awhile. The thing that really impressed me more than my own effort in a difficult situation (because I was helped very much by my church, the school, multiple hospitals, doctors health-carecare providers, and at times even the prosecuting attorneys in Juvenilenile Justice system - heheh, yeah... ) --was how very difficult it is for single mothers who were in similar situation.

The prejudices of our society worked in my favor and I got praise for what mom's across our country did without any appreciation and some were even criticized for the love they had for their kids. Mom's took blame for absence of dads ("She can't keep her man," whispers and snide remarks to that effect). It isn't fair and I don't pretend that it is. But and still, it is my assertion that the huge gap in me personally was authored by resentment from a dad who worked rather than participated in the life of his children. Dads have a responsibility to delight their kids. It's as primary as the need to provide, maybe moreso. Consider the troubles of rich kids, kids who were born with silver spoons in their mouths.

Maybe I'm not saying it well but I'm glad to hear your story and suspect that you've earned a spot in the hearts of a least a couple children -- that's the main thing that to me is the beginning of what needs become widespread if our society is to ever be healed from the unbearable pain that is all to often inflicted on the innocent. My mom, a nurse, once tried to explain what she saw about 'the terrible two's to my dad. "It's a time when you can see everything on the table but can't reach it," she would say. "Being two means that language has formed well enough to grasp what is being discussed but not well enough to express yourself." Children, being little almost automatically think that any bad thing that happens in the family that they are involved in is their fault. How could the big people who know so much be wrong? They are especially sensitive to various messages and the one sent by uncaring fathers causes more damage than I can imagine or tell. It's almost too sad to speak about the damage that divorce does to kids. Fathers who participated with loving hearts focused on the issue -- 'the issue of the marriage' used to be a term meaning their children in "proper English", but fathers focused on kids would go quite a ways in preventing divorce --especially if it were combined what Reba contributed below: "A quick one thing a dad can do is LOVE the mom."


I will again commend you for your efforts on behalf of the kids you were given charge over. There is nothing that can be done in that fashion that our heavenly father does not see, and will remember and reward. It's His Father's heart that I'm trying to express even as I learn more and more about Him. Help me say it better if you would and I'll be grateful.

~Sparrow

 

[jasoncran]

WOW AMEN


I agree with your posts! A quick one thing a dad can do is LOVE the mom.

I was bless with a great dad i had to grow up before i saw just how great he was..

TV makes men look stupid and the sadly church is following suit.

not my church. grr tv does do that. that stupid show two and half men comes to mind.

 

[Sparkey]

Greetings, Jason!

I've never had the pleasure of watching 2 and 1/2 men -- it dumified and undignifies fathers? Incompetence is comedy, I guess.... Welcome, sir. You got a "dad story" for us maybe?

 

[jasoncran]

Greetings, Jason!

I've never had the pleasure of watching 2 and 1/2 men -- it dumified and undignifies fathers? Incompetence is comedy, I guess.... Welcome, sir. You got a "dad story" for us maybe?

as the son who told his dad off a time or two as my father wasnt a times much of one to me(this has changed as this poster was most humbled by God). my dad belittled me a lot and also didnt teach some things that boy ought to know how to do. he worked and provided and did spank and for that i'm grateful. but he neglected the role of father at times. he could be abusive verbally and also talked down to me and my siblings.

i am not able by virtue of wife have her uterus removed to be a dad biologically. i am a step-dad and grandad. i dont often see my "kids or grandkids" i do play with them when i see them(grandkids of course)

i fished with natan back in 2009. i wont forget that. man that rainbow trout that taunted me.nathan wears my old hat from my army days with bdu's. i pinned my old rank of sgt on it and he loved it! i also gave them both(julie my grandaughter) my combat insignias.

 

[Rinid]

Sparrow

I would agree for the most part. My dad was often gone as well. I sometimes wished he was when he wasn't. He tended to spank first and ask questions later. I remimber one time he spanked my brother for messing with his tools and not putting them back, then finding them in the back of his truck from when he used them earilier and had forgoten. That being said he did provide for us and I made sure to take care of him when he needed it. Getting him to his doctor's appointments and such. I am from a family of 5 and found it interesting that no one else helped or came unless asked to and then still at times didn't. Again had to set priorities. By this time I was divorced so taking care of him was easy compared to the kids, which because I wasn't the father I had no rights to after the divorce.

What I find interesting is we both took interest. For different reasons. We made a point to be there.. I think most fathers with families just let things fall where they may and that wasn't happening for me. I was going to influence things the best I could. I think that is where the problem is not enough focus on family instead focused on jobs, careers, time with friends, everything else. I had something I didn't ever think i would have so I tried to keep things together. My career didn't seem that important because my time was 35-38 so I didn't figure I had enough time to really have a sucessful career.

 

[Mike]

This is an important issue to me as well, Sparrow. I see what you're seeing. From what I can see, men/fathers' roll as the spiritual leaders of their households have been eaten into by modern America, and sadly men have been all too willing to hand it over. Everybody loses in when this happens.

When I see a father who is not engaged with his children, part of me wants to slap them around, and part of me is deeply sad for them. What's to become of these men if and when they wake up one day and realize they were given a priceless gift of a family, and they are left with guilt and the knowledge that they missed out on so much.

I'm not the model father by any stretch. I can become frustrated and angry more than I'd like to admit, and sometimes I too put my own interests ahead of my family's. That's just a few faults that I have. Amidst my faults, I'm confident that my wife and children always know a few things for certain. I love them, and the Lord loves them. I believe it's important for Dads to say the words "I love you" to their sons and daughters. These words are important to say, but they are meaningless if a dad doesn't just "be" with them; spend time with them.

Also important is demonstrating how our sons should assume their rolls as fathers and husbands. We should be showing our daughters the kind of man that they should demand of their husbands and not settle for less. There's just so much to being a father. A child can form their image of God the Father based on their earthly fathers. Do they love unconditionally, or is their love based on what they do or their performance? As fathers we can build up our child's confidence and self-worth, or we can erode it over time.

This is too much to do on our own. Yes there are great dads who don't know the Lord (great in a secular kind of way). But as a Christian father, my ability to be the dad my kids need is directly related to my spiritual life. I constantly need to be in prayer that the Lord will strengthen me to be that dad (and that husband). I was involved with Promise Keepers for a number of years before they dropped off. It was a great run they had with a very solid message to men: Stop neglecting your obligation as father/husband, stop making excuses, serve your wife that you will be deserving of her honor and BE that spiritual leader of your household. This was a message men needed to hear, and they heard it. Whether they listened or not was their decision, but the message was sent.

Yes, TV portrays fathers as the clueless one of the two parents. The media hits hard too. But men have given them a lot of ammunition in willingly giving up our rolls. Quite frankly, I don't see this trend changing.

Very important thread you have here.

 

[reba]

This thread kinda goes along with Handy's thread about wifely submission.

A Godly woman wants a Godly Biblical man

 

[Sparkey]

This is an important issue to me as well, Sparrow. I see what you're seeing. From what I can see, men/fathers' roll as the spiritual leaders of their households have been eaten into by modern America, and sadly men have been all too willing to hand it over. Everybody loses in when this happens.

[...]This is too much to do on our own.


[...]Quite frankly, I don't see this trend changing.

Very important thread you have here.

MIKE! Welcome. To give credit where credit is due, if it will be done --and the hearts of dads are united back to their kids, it goes without saying that it will be done by our Father in Heaven. So, I'm not doing it at all.


~Sparrow

PS - I love the meaning of your name, Michael: "Who is like EL?" There is none like Him.

 

[Mike]

Oooooohhhhh please don't turn this into a end times thread! We were really enjoying this! :D

 

[Sparkey]

Oooooohhhhh please don't turn this into a end times thread! We were really enjoying this! :D

Agreed wholeheartedly. I've edited my post and offer my thanks for your comment and concern.

A god-fearing mother sent me a private message that described how God was acting in the lives of her blessed children even though their dad deserted (my word, not hers) her and them. I just wanted to mention this because she is very welcome to post here and I think her thoughts echo Reba's comment about the need for Men of God to love their wives unabashedly, and able to be seen by their kids.

Mike, that's also what I hear when you say, (pardon the bold - it's Mike's thing --- lol) "Also important is demonstrating how our sons should assume their rolls as fathers and husbands. We should be showing our daughters the kind of man that they should demand of their husbands and not settle for less. There's just so much to being a father." Fatherhood is a Godly act and it's about time we see it for what it really is. Something so precious that even the thought of selling any part of it for any reason should make us cringe and say, "Huh? Why would I ever want to do that???"

Blessings, Silent Mom - your kids sound lovely!

~Sparrow

 

[old_tractor]

I am always amazed by the cheek of the radical feminist. They demand a false charade in which men are expected to cheerfully pretend that women are their "equal" - a rediculous notion - and, then, demand that men be the "leader"! There can only be one leader, period. Since feminst women have decided that men are no longer head of the family, they can hardly whine that men aren't fulfilling the duties thereof.

We see further absurdities when we discover that the "real and primary role of fathers --> to delight their children"! What rubbish! The roles of a father are:

1) Provide financially for the family and determine how those finances are used.
2) Delegate necessary tasks to the wife and authority to carry them out.
3) Set standards of behavior for the children.
4) Ultimate reponsibility for discipline.
5) Provide moral leadership.
6) Teach by word and by example the life a child is to lead when they become adults.
7) Lead/participate in educational/recreational activities as time permits.

When I was a child (and America was a Christian nation), there was no doubt in regards to which parent was the head of the household. My father made all major decisions and, although he usually consulted and/or sought input from my mother, he was final arbiter. My father was the ultimate authority in our home and my mother invoked "Wait until your father gets home!" as the ultimate threat when the behavior of myself or my siblings did not meet the standard - and it was no idle threat.

I had a drug problem as a child - my father drug me to school, my father drug me to church, my father drug me to choir practice (I hated it. His response - "It's good for you."), my father drug me away from the TV, et cetera ad infinitum.

My father was often an usher in our church (when I became an adult, I joined him in that task) and sat on a number of committees and boards. My father led our family prayers. My father said grace before our evening (and weekend) meals. My father led by example and my father taught us mostly by example. My father worked long hours (as, I may add, did my mother - in the home and community) and taught us the value of hard work, supplying the financial needs of our family. My father went to my Little League games, my sister's High School plays and operettas, my brother's marching band contests as his schedule permitted. The first time I handled a shotgun, a fishing pole or a baseball bat was when he handed those things to me. The first time I sat behind the wheel of a car, he was in the passenger seat.

My father taught me something no woman ever could - how to be a man and what was expected of a man.

My father was not perfect. He made mistakes. On occasion, he made decisions that were wrong (which my mother reminded him of from time to time ;) ). I would have liked it more at that time if he would have "delighted" me more. But, I never had any doubt who the "leader" was, who the Boss was.

If anything, what we have is a lack of "mothers" who have abdicated their responsibilities to school, child care, Molly Maid, et al while pursuing their selfish "interesting, challenging careers".

To expect men to accept the absurd charade of "equality" and then be the "leader" is foolish at best. You can have one or the other, but not both.

 

[Mike]

MIKE! Welcome. To give credit where credit is due, if it will be done --and the hearts of dads are united back to their kids, it goes without saying that it will be done by our Father in Heaven. So, I'm not doing it at all.

Sparrow, I wasn't at all implying that you were overlooking our reliance on the Lord as fathers. This wasn't directed at you. I was thinking about people reading this thread that might be missing it. The roll of the father is so profound and steep in responsibility, the magnitude of our commitment needs to be understood. Once it's understood, it can be daunting to the person who's not drawing his strength from The Father.

It is impossible to understate the gravity of this thread you've created. Our commitment to our purpose as Godly fathers impacts our children today and has lasting effects in the future. We can choose to be committed as fathers, or we can throw up our hands in defeat. I realize there's a continuum, and we all fall short. There is only One Perfect Father. Striving to be the fathers we're called to be is as striving to be Godly man in general. It's a process. I believe we need to try in every way we can to dedicate ourselves to this purpose. I've always felt that if a person doesn't think being a dad is difficult, he's probably neglecting his duties. The U.S. Army used to have the slogan, "The toughest job you'll ever love". On the contrary, I believe being a dedicated parent claims this title. It can be physically, emotionally and mentally draining while being one of the greatest blessings a person can have at the same time.

I'm sorry if I came across as correcting you or picking up something that you missed. I meant only to affirm what you had said. :yes

 

[Sparkey]

Yeah, I kinda feel your heart there, Mike. No worries, my friend. That's the benefit when two walk together, one one falls the other can carry. I'm a kid at heart so if you don't mind giving me a piggy-back ride - I don't mind jumping on your back just for the fun. Tell us more, please. I'll trade dad stories with ya? What's your favorite thing, either from your experience as a dad or with your dad. I know that's not a fair question - how can we have one favorite? Fun to try though.

And I should probably open this thread up too --because father's hearts don't belong to dads only. They belong to single people of both genders as well. Each of us is being Fathered by God and if there was a way to say that right, I'd try to say it here. One of my favorite Scriptures goes something like this, "If you, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall our Heavenly Father..." And I believe that Jesus was a bachelor when he said that, yep, I'm certain that's the case. He said that before he paid the price for the engagement ring he was planning on giving, the earnest of our inheiritance - the Holy Spirit. But that's just my way of thinking about the romance that happens between Christ and the church speaking -- don't let it sidetrack, I won't. (Well, not too much, that is). There is an aspect of the love that flows between fathers and children that I don't have much experience in because I have only had sons. I don't know except for what I've seen from my sisters that much about a daughter's love so I wanted to invite this too.

~Sparrow