Thoughts About My GF Drinking Socially

[bertstareddd]

I'm currently 19 years old in college and my gf is 20. We've been dating for 7 months and it's been going great. She's a Christian. Have a question about a disagreement we got into tonight. She is in a sorority and goes out a fair amount to parties and such - I do too, but not as much as she does and I do not drink when I go. She does not drink to get drunk, but it is not unusual at all for her to have 1-3 beers or to get just a little bit tipsy. I mentioned to her that it bothers me that she does this just because of the image I get of her when I see her at parties drinking with all our crazy friends that are around us. I kind of feel like she is doing it just to fit in and worry about where her heart is. I have seen so many friends become completely different people when they drink and she does not go crazy AT ALL, but it really bothers me and I don't know why.

She said that she does not believe that there is anything inherently wrong with drinking in general (I agree with this) and that the Bible just says you should not get drunk. She says that drinking socially is not an issue and should be fine. She thinks it is even alright to get tipsy, since she can still control herself and is not in danger of losing judgement or giving up any of her Christian morals, which is what the Bible seemed to be referring to when it spoke out against drinking. For some reason, seeing her do this is very upsetting to me and makes me feel like she is just another sorority chick out to party, even though I do know that she is different and I know that it's illogical. It's just a knee-jerk, automatic reaction and I hate it.

But I was just wondering what you guys thought about that. And she is turning 21 in a few months, so she plans to get kind of tipsy that night and we talked about how I felt like that was not right but she said that as long as she's not in danger of sinning, there is nothing inherently wrong with it especially if you are over the legal limit. Thoughts?

 

[Mike]

The issue of her drinking seems to be difficul for you. Your thread here echoed the same concern.

http://www.christianforums.net/showthread.php?t=37806&p=563094#post563094

Not knowing her, I can't determine if this is a problem for her or you, but it definitely seems to be a problem between you. Suppose I talked with her, and she said she goes out with friends, has two beers and has fun with her girlfriends. That alone wouldn't suggest she is sinning or has a problem. I don't know, because I have an incomplete picture.

You have formed a picture of a relationship that is not built on trust, if you don't mind me saying. If you cannot trust her to do the right thing when she's out "partying" with her girlfriends, maybe this isn't the perfect match for you. From your handful of posts, you seem like a well grounded person. I kinda get the feeling that you're trying to sweep this behind all the things that you love about her. Maybe that's not the healthiest thing to do.

 

[handy]

My thoughts as well...that while she might not be sinning with her drinking (except that she is not 21 and so might be underage drinking, I don't know the legal age in your area)...she also might not be a right match for you.

If you are in love with her, then you need to decide if this this a deal breaker or not. It's OK if it is...I know it would be a deal breaker for me if the guy I loved chewed tobacco...absolutely. Part of the dating process is to determine what we can and can't live with in a person. Obviously her drinking bothers you. Whether it bothers her or not isn't important, it bothers you. You need to decide if you would rather have her and her social drinking or not. If not, then you can give her the opportunity to either give up the drinking or agree that it's time for the two of you to admit you're not a match.

One thing, you can't decide that you love her and must have her, but that she has to change this for you...that never works very well. If she decides she'd rather be with you than go out socially drinking with friends...OK, her decision. But, just as she can't decide for you that since drinking isn't a sin, you are not to be bothered by it, you can't decide for her that she needs to stop because you don't like it.

 

[bertstareddd]

Mike.. thanks for the reply and I'm surprised you remembered me! I guess it stems from the fact that I've only known her for about a year, but I've known OF her for about 4 or 5 and I had always considered her a huge partier and stuff because of her circle of friends etc. I was in a bad place spiritually when I was looking for girls and started chasing after her for the wrong reasons. She's a great girl, we are both completely honest with each other and we have fantastic discussions. I'd say that, in general, I do trust her much more than I did a month or so ago. There are a few times where I will revert back just because the first few years I had that impression of her and its tough to shake even when I know her so well. you both bring up great points, though, but would you agree or disagree that being tipsy is or is not a sin (regardless of legality)? Just curious for your opinions

 

[handy]

you both bring up great points, though, but would you agree or disagree that being tipsy is or is not a sin (regardless of legality)? Just curious for your opinions

I think it's not something we can determine for someone else. For me...getting "tipsy" would be sin...but I know others that would be emphatic that for them, it isn't, since it isn't drunkenness. On the other hand, I know that for some Christians, even drinking communion wine as opposed to communion grape juice would be sin, and for me, it's not. These are things we must follow the Holy Spirit's conviction on.

This is something that the Holy Spirit isn't convicting her about and yet it obviously bothers you.

I think that it bears repeating that you shouldn't seek to change her in any way. If you can't fully love her, social drinking and all, then you should back away. Be honest that for you, the drinking is a deal breaker. (Because, honestly, it really sounds as if it is.)

Now, she might decide that you are far more important to her than going out for a couple of drinks with friends and willingly give it up....or not.

But, you need to be very honest with yourself...can you really live with the fact that this is part of who she is and not to seek to change her. If you can't...it's best to move on and find someone who doesn't drink.

This is a really big thing Roadblkx...one that you do need to sit down and prayerfully consider. You shouldn't seek to control her, up to and including her social drinking. It bothers you, that is quite obvious. She knows this, continues to do it and has shown she isn't going to give it up for you.

This isn't saying that either she or you are a "bad" person. But, you've found something about her that really bothers you deeply...if you decide to live with it because she's such a good match in other respects...then it behooves you not to bring it up any longer. But, if this is something that is going to remain a big deal to you, it's best to break off this relationship and move on.

 

[jasoncran]

I'm currently 19 years old in college and my gf is 20. We've been dating for 7 months and it's been going great. She's a Christian. Have a question about a disagreement we got into tonight. She is in a sorority and goes out a fair amount to parties and such - I do too, but not as much as she does and I do not drink when I go. She does not drink to get drunk, but it is not unusual at all for her to have 1-3 beers or to get just a little bit tipsy. I mentioned to her that it bothers me that she does this just because of the image I get of her when I see her at parties drinking with all our crazy friends that are around us. I kind of feel like she is doing it just to fit in and worry about where her heart is. I have seen so many friends become completely different people when they drink and she does not go crazy AT ALL, but it really bothers me and I don't know why.

She said that she does not believe that there is anything inherently wrong with drinking in general (I agree with this) and that the Bible just says you should not get drunk. She says that drinking socially is not an issue and should be fine. She thinks it is even alright to get tipsy, since she can still control herself and is not in danger of losing judgement or giving up any of her Christian morals, which is what the Bible seemed to be referring to when it spoke out against drinking. For some reason, seeing her do this is very upsetting to me and makes me feel like she is just another sorority chick out to party, even though I do know that she is different and I know that it's illogical. It's just a knee-jerk, automatic reaction and I hate it.

But I was just wondering what you guys thought about that. And she is turning 21 in a few months, so she plans to get kind of tipsy that night and we talked about how I felt like that was not right but she said that as long as she's not in danger of sinning, there is nothing inherently wrong with it especially if you are over the legal limit. Thoughts?

how many drunks in the name of the lord have told me that. countless. tipsy=drunk. that is a sin.

i suggest move on.

 

[Mike]

I agree with Dora. This has a good chance of being a source of tension for you and ultimately the two of you. You may have times where it is latent, but it will be there. When it surfaces (and I believe it will from time to time), it will create tension. Neither of you can be someone you aren't. If one bends, it will likely be temporary, and resentment could well grow in that person for having had to bend.

Like Dora said, neither of you are "bad". To that point, "tipsy" can mean different things to different people, especially when one person is estimating the state of another. If she is not in control of herself, that's a flag. If she is convicted to ease up but doesn't, that's another flag. But I can't say if it's a sin in her case.

I know this would be an extraordinarily difficult thing to do, but it would be a great sign of maturity. I would never minimize how hard this decision would be. I'm not saying you should definitely end it with her, but it's something that you really need to pray on and consider. To be honest, I believe you would be best suited with a girl who doesn't drink alcohol.

Be blessed.

 

[WIP]

she is turning 21 in a few months, so she plans to get kind of tipsy that night and we talked about how I felt like that was not right but she said that as long as she's not in danger of sinning, there is nothing inherently wrong with it especially if you are over the legal limit.

This statement concerns me. Social drinking does not include the desire to "get tipsy" or worse. If one is bent on drinking to produce an intoxicated outcome their motives are ill-placed. By the way, tipsy is intoxicated and in most states you're beyond legal limits to drive long before you get to that point. Once you become tipsy the chance that you will lose control and drink to the point of uncontrol grows higher exponentially with each swallow. In other words it becomes harder and harder to say, "No thank you" when offered more drink because once you get to the point of tipsy you begin to lose inhibitions even faster. Been there, done that way more times than I care to admit or remember.

 

[Romansonetwentytwo]

Proverbs 20:1- Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise.

I feel if she is drinking to get "tipsy" now, what will the future bring? I agree with another post that when you're "tipsy" you are usually to intoxicated to drive and your judgement is impaired. Almost sounds to me as the "tipsy" vs. drunk arguement is like a loophole in the Bible. I don't personally feel like there is anything wrong with having a drink now and then, but if you are having enough to change your natural state I believe that's too much, tipsy or drunk. Sounds like you have a good open relationship with her seeing you brought it up to her already. Try just telling her your concerns about it and see. Maybe she doesn't see it as a big deal right now but you can go tipsy to drunk pretty quick. Hopefully she will realize your concerns are real and you care and are not controlling her just genuinely concerned. There's 100's of examples a day of the dangers of drinking on the news, so I see concerns. Hope this helps.

 

[NinaMMitchell]

I think that it bears repeating that you shouldn't seek to change her in any way. If you can't fully love her, social drinking and all, then you should back away. Be honest that for you, the drinking is a deal breaker. (Because, honestly, it really sounds as if it is.)

I completely agree. And I think it's important that you don't say you can deal with it and stay with her just because you love her, because the next time she does it, it's still going to bother you, but you've told her that you can live with it, and you can't bring it up anymore. At that point you're probably going to really regret not making the more difficult choice to begin with and just got out of the relationship while you had the chance. If you decide that you can't deal with it, do what is best for you, even if it's a hard decision. You'll eventually be glad that you did when you find the woman that God has for you, and you'll regret it if you don't do it.

 

[Gazelle]

Sometimes it's the "tough love" that wins people over... I would make a stand and share once more how it upsets you and ask her not to drink at parties. IF she is truly able to, which I really doubt, and she cares about you (is sensitive to your concerns) she won't drink. Otherwise, if she continues, then she is obviously not the girl for you, sadly in one sense, good in another.

As long as you are linked up with her, you won't be finding the one God has for you. (Unless of course, she realizes and cares...etc.) You can always continue to pray for her, but you can't change her. REMEMBER THIS... you will not be able to change her, married or not etc. This is her way of life, her coping mechanism and she will fall back on it when the going gets tough in life (default program) unless she changes through the power of God.

I won't go into details about the right or wrongness of social drinking here. She is underage and breaking the law. So you want to be with a drinking law breaker do you? No, this isn't what God wants for you right now. What will you do when the really big important decisions and needs to follow God come along ...if you are linked up to someone who can't handle this simple request?