[__ Prayer __] thoughts upon "waking up..."

[Christ_empowered]

OK. At 19, my brain gave out. Too many drugs, too many psych meds. Not only did I turn dumb and glassy eyed, I developed tics from too much of an "atypical" antipsychotic (this can happen w/ any antipsychotic, but younger people are more sensitive to meds and bad things can happen quickly w/ excessively high doses). After that, it was all pretty much downhill until Teen Challenge at 24-25 and getting truly, for real, honest to goodness saved at 28.

I'm now 31. Only recently, I'm smart...again. I never was a super genius, but I'm smart enough now to do what I want to do without too much trouble. I'm also blessed with supportive parents who love me and, for once, mental health pros who are compassionate and understanding and actually want to see me recover...not just come back for more (fun) pills and (useless) talk (read: Mental Health, Inc. needs lifelong "patients"). Its so strange...turns out, the public, state funded mental health places are actually more professional, more helpful, more compassionate than private practice places. I mean, I don't wanna go to the state funded mental hospital around here (its weird...most are there for 30 days or less, but they have long term people, too), but...the outpatient stuff is cool.

Enough of that...I think this is like waking up from...well, a long slumber. I'm completely different. I'm healthy, physically and mentally, increasingly normal, different personality...I even have different (better) facial features and my brittle, thin hair has turned crazy thick and a pretty color.

And now...its crazy. Memories are returning, despite a blow to the head from a botched mugging and intensive, involuntary "treatment..." turns out, no one around here much cared for me. Turns out...I was sickly and prematurely aged even before the drugs and cigarettes and other "poor life choices" (that's apparently mental health, inc. speak for personal sin). My hair used to be a different color and it turned brittle and started thinning at age 13 (!!!!). My "friends" weren't my friends. Its the south, so people (more girls/young women than boys/young men) put up with me out of pity and because my people were respectable..."nice" family, that kind of thing.

What's strange is...I may never see or hear from any of them again. I don't have facebook (deleted my profile, praise God), plus...well, I don't need pity, not now. And I think now that we've all hit the 3-0, its time to move on. Not to mention...well, Jesus changes things...and me, too. One of my former "friends"--he's 2 years younger than me, was deep into drugs, all that--called me a while back. He's growing marijuana with another dude I knew out in Northwest. We exchanged emails, and the I realized...he's basically who he was in HS and college, just...older. Hardened, somehow. Me? Only because of Christ, I'm transformed.

On and on it goes. A young woman I used to hang out with back in the day, she's got her masters and I checked out her facebook, just out of curiosity. Same books, same movies, a lot of the same music as in HS and when we were at college together.

Me? I'm...different. Its weird. I recognize my intelligence as mine, from back in the day...some of the elements of my writing style are the same, some of my "mental illness" was there before the brain damage and is back now (praise God for modern pharmaceuticals..), but I'm not at all the same. I struggle with some of the same sin patterns (I actually recognize them as sins and sin patterns now...that's a big step forward for this guy), but...yeah...not the same (in a good way). Even my hair changed color (no peroxide this time around).

So, I'm blessed. I survived--by the grace of God--things that, the way things usually go, should have killed me a couple times over. And I get to wake up, a different person. I don't think I'll be so dramatic as to say "and...my whole life was a lie!," but it wasn't...anything...real, I guess. I was 2-dimensional, my "friends" weren't my friends, the heady ideas I couldn't grasp but like to think I did (pseudo-intellectual teenagers are the worst, lol) blinded me to my need for Christ...and kept me 2-dimensional, too...

So, now I'm becoming "real," I guess is the best way to put it. Happens to all Born Again Christians, I just needed it more obviously than most others. Maybe my "narcissism" was just a need to give up trying to run my own world (with disastrous results) and let Christ take over everything. I mean, that's what all people need...maybe Narcissism is just an extreme expression of spiritual deadness?

I'll quit rambling. I'm blessed all over and I'm thankful that I can come here and write things out and people read it and respond.

 

[Mike S]

I'm glad you've been blessed by God's Grace. I've learned to never judge someone's past, never consider anyone as being beyond God's reach. Christ will meet us at the point of our need, however low we may have sunk. We can only be profoundly grateful for what Christ has done for us, and try to live our lives always in the presence of God, Coram Deo.

 

[AirDancer]

Yes, you are indeed blessed, Christ_empowered !

You now have a deep appreciation for life. In fact, all that has been before in your personal history has been preparation for what is in your future.

Our Lord God is truly marvelous!

 

[Christ_empowered]

Thanks, y'all. Its so strange, sometimes almost a bit surreal...I was sickly burned out and un-smart, and now I'm...healthy, normal, and smart enough to do what I want/need to do.

God is good. My dad and I are getting closer. I chatted him up in the kitchen earlier tonight...work is heating up (in a good way), he seems to be at the top of his game, professionally. He actually talks to me about these things, which is huge...and I genuinely care about him, which is another huge step forward (all Christ, not me).

My doubts about Christ and my future come and go...truth is, people who start from where I started (born into a working class, somewhat bohemian intellectual situation...they're more upper-middle class now) and do the things I did are often...dead, or not in society (on way or another...). I'm in society, free, and pursuing my own interests. I think that's one part of God's work that angers a lot of people around here. The neighbor dude once screamed, while I was on the porch having a Camel and listening to my MP3 player (I was trying to find a song I liked, so I could hear what he was saying) "He thinks he's something SPECIAL!," which is interesting on a number of levels. 1) I'm stigmatized around here, so I can't possibly be considered "special" by the community. 2) People like me, or who I used to be, are routinely destroyed and discarded.

Blah blah...as always, I'm writing it out as I figure it out. Thanks for the input.

 

[AirDancer]

 

[Eugene]

I'll quit rambling. I'm blessed all over and I'm thankful that I can come here and write things out and people read it and respond.

Did ya get it out of your system? Can you sleep now?