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[__ Prayer __] trouble maker (long)

Christ_empowered

Christ_empowered

Member
This is the core of many of the problems I'm facing right now...my (former) shrinks considered me a "trouble maker." I asked too many questions about meds as an oupatient, I wouldn't take zyprexa in an overpriced for profit hospital, I filed a medical board complaint...trouble maker.

My neighbors will taunt me with stuff straight from my psych history. 'narcissist, wounded narcissist," blah blah blah, plus a bunch of sexual stuff that the shrinks talk about a lil too much (fun fact: when you're a trouble maker, mental health pros will make up the nastiest things about you. if you disagree...you're a liar).

Its crazy. Docs told people that my "rinky dink middle class" family was running out money because of me, that my mom was a teacher (she's been a professor for 30 years), that I had narcissism, oppositional defiant disorder (at 20 years old!), that I was a doctor shopper, that I was engaged in deviant sexual practices (I mean, above and beyond just being a sodomite).

Now, I mean...I went outside the other night to have a cigarette, and the neighbors (yes, those neighbors, of course) were talking about how I "need to heal from my narcissistic wound." Just taunting the trouble maker, because that's what happens when shrinks go after vulnerable people.

It gets a bit worse. A girl I used to hang out with, her grand-father was a big deal at the college where my parents work. He's still a big deal locally, cuz he has money and friends and such. Anyway, somehow word got around that I'd raped her (?), even though I was a flamer back then (haven' seen her in over 10 years).

And worse...the shrinks deliberately not only broke my spirit, they tried, very hard, with some success, to emasculate me. Not playing...long story, its messed up. Keep in mind...I was 20 years old.

So, I was dead eyed until after Teen Challenge...tail end of 25. I was still obviously brain damaged and too feminine. I got saved 2 1/2 years ago. I now have bright eyes, I"m smart enough for college-level work, and The Lord has heard my prayers and has given me a solidly masculine identity, which is still working itself out.

Its just...never enough. I've been shocked against my will 2x, both times before 24 years old. When I needed to be in a hospital, they said it was a personality disorder and encouraged people to do bad things to me. Now, I've recovered from "treatment" and reconciled with my parents (praise God!), and they're telling everyone that I'm schizophrenic, they "broke me," "wounds don't heal," "he'll never become a man," etc. Oh, that and..."this is what happens when people don't know their place in society." That may be my favorite.

Its just...this is Mental Health, Inc. when you don't "play by the rules." To be fair, I was a) socially isolated b)immature c) brain damaged, so I didn't even know what the "rules" were, lol. I kind of broke the rules just by staying alive ("dead by 23!") and pursuing my own interests when I could.

This one shrink, in particular, is domineering to the point that it has sexual overtones. I think he's straight...I mean, when I'd see him around he was always with a woman on his arm...but...ummm...yeah. He was weirdly flirtatious when I was 20 and in the hospital and touched me (not inapprorpiately, just...ugh), and then proceeded to break my spirit and attempt to feminize me. When I'd see him outside the hospital, he'd laugh at me and make fun of me, sometimes saying sexual stuff in front of his buddies.

I just...don't know what to do. Shrinks have so much power. I have to go to one now because I got a misdemeanor...for emailing an ex-shrink and "getting uppity." My parents got me an excellent attorney (praise God!), and I still got a class A misdemeanor w/ the max time of probation...because mental patients don't really matter, right? Right. Keep in mind: she's so vindictive, she tried to get me on a serious felony...the attorney had to work to get that changed to a misdemeanor. If I'd had a public defender...I'd probably be locked up somewhere terrible right now.

My impression is that I'm supposed to "know my place." I keep hearing that I need to "move out into the trailer park" and "quit trying to be something special." Look, I'm not "too good" for a trailer park, but let's think about this...they harass me enough when I"m living in a decent neighborhood with my parents...imagine what they'd do to me elsewhere, especially in a trailer park.

This is rough. Now, sometimes I'm worried that if/when I move, the angry ex-shrinks will get me. I mean, their records are getting older, so it'll probably be more difficult, but...yeah. Its that crazy. They already sent in piles of records from way back when to the clinic I go to now, without me signing for anything. Oh, and they tried to have me committed, before pressing charges. I managed to talk my way out of that one. I know they sent in old records because my current shrink read off some stuff from back in the day. He's not all that nice either...I'm beginning to see that shrinks in general are sadistic and controlling.

Anyway, I can't complain too much...my now upper-middle/maybe upper class family is keeping me safe and healthy and all that. I love my people, and not just because of their protection, but...it'd be 10,000x worse if I were still "poor white trash" (its the south, y'all! I hate being called that).

I think this is coming into my mind because I have to see my shrink today, in a couple hours. I'm on meds, got all my refills lined up, blah blah blah, its just...ugh! The psychiatrists and their cronies are a little too sadistic for me, and I'm beginning to wonder if they're just in this bizness to control people...

Pray for my safety and freedom, please. Being a mental patient...NOT FUN!
 
Brother CE, the past, the present, and the future are attempting to keep you under their power; you worry about many things. Mat 6:27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

You mention not wanting Zyprexa (and generic Olanzapine which is much cheaper), and yet that’s one of the thought organizers that will help, and does help many without complications, or side effects such as tardive dyskinesia.

I continue attempting to bringing you to reality, and that is as long as you are on parole do it their way, and you’re going to not make the mistakes you have in the past.

Blessings in Christ Jesus.
 
Hope your appointment went well, Christ_empowered .

Being realistic, your past is simply that: your past. You can look at your past, even examine it, in order to gain pointers as to what not to do in your present and your future. But dwelling on what has been before won't change the past.

You are a new man, a son in our Lord God's family. He continues to strengthen you and to shape you into the man you'll be in the future. He's absolutely amazing!

And as Brother Eugene stated, as long as you are on probation do it their way. I agree! When they ask about prescription taking, answer them. When they ask how life is treating you, bring 'em up to date on how well you're doing in school. Let 'em know you have a new and solid perspective on your present as well as goals for your future. You can even discuss how your relationship with your parents has been strengthening in very positive ways.

Just don't tell 'em you are disgusted with the psychiatry/psychology realm, as that will translate to them that you may be 'hostile.' Not the way you want them to think!

Take each day at a time, and utilize a good portion of that day with reading/studying Scripture and in conversation with our Lord!
 
Thanks. :) The appointment went surprisingly well. He recommended more bonding time with my family and asked some other questions about my life. We basically just talked for 30 minutes and then I got my prescriptions. Its weird...he's very personable during the appointment, but once its over...bam...out the door! LOL. He's sort of pressed for time I guess.

Meds aren't terrible. I just had a terrible hospital experience because they couldn't be bothered to...I dunno...do their jobs. Mental hospitals are generally not that great, anyway, and the private ones are often just more expensive.

My parents and I are getting along well. My dad made some kinda chicken in a creamy, spicey sauce. Quite good.

I dunno. I always think of it as psychiatric stigma and all that, but really...a lot of this was/is just socioeconomic. When I was "poor white trash" from a "rinky dink middle class family," that was one thing...now, I"m from an (apparently) "upper class" family that cares deeply about me, so...things are different.

And of course...Christ's work in my heart and life. I'm not the same (in a good way, of course). Truth is, at age 15, most people could tell I'd "never amount to anything." Now, I feel like I"m getting a late-ish start on life. At 31, I'm healthy, increasingly normal, in a good relationship w/ my parents, and...forgiven. Last, but not least: forgiven.

So..yeah. I think I just had some anti-psychiatry rumblings because of the doc appointment today.
 
Hi CE

Come on CE, you have a team of support on this forum. You need to let go of the past, the more you dwell on it, the more it haunts you.
I ask myself, why do I let the past get to me especially with reminders always popping up?? Maybe it's me what doesn't really want to let go and the lack of faith I had. Yesterday is yesterday, try to think happy thoughts. Be positive and plan for tomorrow, set goals for yourself and have faith in what tomorrow can bring. I pray that you let go of the past and to deal with it better. You will never be able to run away from it, memories will appear or your neighbors will say something stupid but you must just ask God for strength to get through it. After all, it's these trials which has made you the guy you are today.
I am currently reading up things on the trials that God gives us, I will post it soon.
 
yeah...I'm getting over it, slowly but surely. In a way, I'm blessed to have had (heavy, involuntary) shock. I mean, now that some of my memories have returned to me, I see...wow. I was miserable, lol. Kind of like...a clean slate. Also, Jesus gave me my intelligence and basic cognitive skills back. Not a super genius, but...I can do college-level work and I write well, so that's about all I really need, more than I could really have hoped for, honestly.

Reframing this as a "trial" helps, too. I think I've been viewing it too much as Spiritual Warfare (hey, I was saved by Pentecostals!), which I think gives everything a negative tinge. Thinking of all this as a sort of trial makes it seem...I dunno...like a more normal part of being Christian, I suppose. Everybody goes through stuff. Christians seem to go through more than others, for some reason...but its more productive for us to go through things, because The Lord uses it for our ultimate benefit. And so...

I think I'm getting over viewing meds as chemical restraints. I mean, they can be chemical restraints, of course. They can also make life live-able, too. Since I really didn't enjoy shock...I should probably take my meds, lol.

:)
 
You talked about what your situation would be if you were in a trailer park...Probably awful.

The people harassing you sucks, but like you said, what would happen if you didn't have your parents to watch over you? That is truly God's hand in your life.God is definitely looking after you, and Jesus really is with you.

Love ya brother.
 
Okay, I would like you to recall the parable of the Wedding Feast. You already know so I'll highlight: Invitations were sent out. Rejected! The powerful ruler heard his peers say, "Oh, I got other stuff, way more important do do," and other kinds of things. He was totally disrespected and dishonored. All his peers were sneering at him and his plans for the wedding party. Nobody was accepting his free gift to come in joy and celebrate the wedding his good son deserved.

So then... what happens? He tells his servants to go to the gutters and to drag and compel the misfits to come. There's no way this ruler is going to let his son be disrespected like that. And that's how we came to be invited. We were there; in the gutter and we had pooh on our faces and some kind of magnificent comes to us and we are given an invitation. We are promised a new white robe and we will be given food and be cleaned up and made presentable because this very powerful ruler will show all who will look his TRUE NATURE -- that God is Good.

SO yeah, there are going to be people who don't see you for who you are. That's okay and to be expected. And there will be others who say, "Hey! Isn't that the guy who went around with poo on his face, not so long ago?" --and I too hear that same thing, you are not alone. It hurts the most when we hear it from our loved ones. But further, I deserve it because I sinned and what they say is true enough. But that's also okay because I have been allowed to repent and there does come a day that God has set aside and HE will reveal His saints. There will come a time when each of us will no longer be seen for what we have done but instead for what God has done in us and for us. In other words, we live by faith.

You've heard it before, "The righteous live by faith." But did you know that was you He was talking about? It's true. Your redeemer is strong like none other. Look up, because He is looking at you with great fondness. Become captured by the glint you see in His eye. There is nothing that He can not do.

So I've talked about the wedding feast and our invitation and how the LORD will provide and clean us up and how we, who can see our hearts, can also see what the KING of Hearts is doing may celebrate our victory even when others can't see it. But to this I would like to add another parable just to finish the thought. The one you heard about the laborers who worked in the field. It started first light in the morning and some were hired, but there was more work and it would not get done in time so more were hired. Every three hours, you know, more joined the task of harvest.

Recall that our savior is NOT DELAYING his return but rather that he is not willing that any should perish...

Then go to the end of the parable and listen to the complaint, "But I've been working in the field since the start of the day and now I find that you are paying everybody the same wage?!?"

But God is GOOD! And He has rightly said that the first shall be last and the last shall be first. Those who come in at the later time, the ones who were skipped over during the first and second and successive calls were faithful to wait the entire day in hope for some work... and they put in what they could-- sure, it wasn't as much as some others but the reward is the same. Our eternal life lasts for eternity. The last are first in this way but in another - we are all joined into HIM and our reward is prepared for us by the one who knits us together in the womb, who knows us better than we know ourselves and believe me there is some kind of wonderful ahead of us. It can not even enter into our minds what God has prepared for them who love Him. I can't imagine it. AND that's what He said !
 
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