Greetings!
Thoughts of a dad here because my sons and I have discussed our different views intimately. Yep, I said it. Men can be intimate.
My thoughts:
- We hear the word "dysfunction" bandied about all the time. Typically this word is used in family counseling, used in AA meetings, used in the context of people seeking help.
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- What does it mean? Not Functional? I look at the purpose, the function to be able to describe and define what we're really talking about.
A question forms: What IS the function of the family?
It takes a lot of thought to boil it down to a single sentence but here's my shot at it:
"The function of a family is to raise children in an environment where the Love of God flows between the parents and overpours itself showering onto the kids."
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- The children get to see an example of how the Lord intends them to be raised.[/*:m:2fg6cij6]
- They are not protected from seeing how differences are settled between their parents.[/*:m:2fg6cij6]
- They are protected from wild outbursts and other harmful things.[/*:m:2fg6cij6]
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[*]Dating:
Dating can be thought of as a purely social activity in absence of romance.
This isn't the modern definition but much of that [modern dating] by design leads to the baby of <lust> being birthed between saints, this <baby> grows and gives birth to <sin> and this baby grows and gives birth to <death>: separation from God. This gives us False bonds of "love" and inevitably Broken relationships.[/*:m:2fg6cij6][/list:u:2fg6cij6]
Allow me tell a story to illustrate:
This is the story of Mike and Karen. Michael had been a blackslider and was a single dad and father of two sons. The mother of his children left them. Let's use the correct term though: she abandoned them one week before their youngest was three years old. Michael became a "single dad" almost overnight and had previously lost his firstLove for Jesus. That's another story and this is just the "setup" for what comes later. Now, from there, the hero of our story considered that it would be like "false advertising" to begin dating at that time. Not only would he be primarily seeking a mother for his kids, not only would he be "on the rebound", not only those things but frankly he had his hands full with a job he was not rightly prepared for - raising his kids. He was a full time employee at a large insurance company and between getting the kids ready for daycare, working, shopping, cooking and all that there was no time for "courting" nor was there time for "dating" either. False advertising. Not his thing.
The situation (back then):
Now let's not get the wrong idea here though. Michael was thankful. He had it so much better off than many of the single moms he saw. There were two main differences - He knew deep within that God loved him and would never allow him to be tried beyond the limits of his endurance - because God had promised to "make a way out". That was the primary difference - the presence of an abiding HOPE. The other main difference was a more "practical" one, he had a great job and was getting promotions in a time of others being laid off. Essentially this one was grateful for the challenge, thankful for the faithfulness of God and learning to be content in his situation.
Time Passes:
Let's skip ahead in time about 10 years though. No dating, no romance and outside of Michaels relationships at work, there was no "touch" in his life. Sure his youngest son was a treasure and would still hug and cuddle and his older son would wrestle on the floor with his dad and they all three had wonderful fellowship and it was very satisfying too, but Michael missed "touch" in his life. He considered babies at hospitals and volunteers who would come in just to hold them and how the miracle of touch could turn their health around. Just an aside, but if anyone ever wants a blessing - go to a hospital and see if you can volunteer to rock and hold babies. Back to the point though, Michael needed adult interaction in his life and craved touch.
Enter Karen. The eye of our hero was drawn to her on Halloween day. She had worn a baseball uniform as her costume and Michael noticed her pert little bottom. It was at that time too that he was being drawn by God back into fellowship at a local church that was focused on family relationships. The Lord was answering prayer and He was being blessed. But ahhhhh.... now comes the "dating" part. Michael had done some research and had developed some guidelines for "dating" that came from his understanding of "dysfunctional" and the "function of the family".
- More on "Dating":
- Non-Courtship dating: This was basically sharing an activity. The couple would not be a "couple" as they sought to find a mutually enjoyable activity. Did they share an interest in bowling? Movies? Putt-putt golf? Great. At least if the "date" turned out to be a "dud" they could both enjoy the activity. There were no plans on intimacy - just wanting to go out to do "something" and share the activity.[/*:m:2fg6cij6]
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- Mutually enjoyable activity
- Avoid situations of intimacy. (no parked cars and long talks)[/*:m:2fg6cij6]
- Keep it casual and this isn't the time to "spill your guts".[/*:m:2fg6cij6]
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Armed with the knowledge that puffeth up, our hero asked Karen out for their first date. He was going to observe and see if he could determine if A.) she was sane or insane and B.) was she capable of relating to him (and him to her also) sufficiently to warrant a second date. As far as the "sane vs. insane" question was concerned it boiled down to "does she know the difference between right and wrong?" -- that was a pretty good definition and it was the "legal" definition the courts used so it seemed okay to him too. If, for instance, they went to a movie theater and they ordered popcorn and there was too much butter or not enough salt? How did she treat people who served her? Was she rude or kind? Did she stick her noseth up into the air? He was evaluating how she might treat him in the future if their relationship continued.
- A word about "Relating"
- The action we think of as "relating" is the basis of relationships.
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- What happens between two people when they talk anyway? The first looks into his treasure of stored ideas and concepts and feelings and selects one - like a fisherman selecting the bait he wants in order to catch the right fish. Maybe he is desirous of a friend - so the idea could come from things he valued in his previous friendships, "Oh, hey! Let me tell you what my friend and I did the other day..." In this way he or she is signaling the desire to form a friendship.[/*:m:2fg6cij6]
- Now that the "line" of the fisherman has been cast the other "hears" it:
He or she lets the message in and mingles it with their own "treasure of stored ideas//concepts//feelings//secrets" and senses the "flavor" of the idea. Now, they may at that time, choose to ignore or to respond. If the choice if to respond it's because something has "struck a chord" or to return to the fisherman analogy - they "give a nibble". A reply message is sought, found, edited for propriety and "politeness" then returned. Viola! A conversation is forming. They are sharing stuff with each ohter about themselves and their experiences.[/*:m:2fg6cij6]
Yet, there is one more area undefined <here> in the "
relationship". And this is the crucial part. We've spoken about the inner workings of this process but we need to consider the area that is "in between" - we could call it the
"part that is in the air" between them. It is a nebulous thing. Not a solid but an abstract area and concept. This is the <place> where relationships are actually formed. This is the "bonding" place. The place of "agreement" - it is in the area "between". Their relationship is called "their garden" in another analogy. We are speaking now about Godly secrets: things that have been kept secret from the beginning. The "place between" is the "birthing place" of relationships. This is also a reason we pray.
Hush now & Quiet Voice: It is to form the <bond> between and to establish our relationship with our Father. This is the place of guarding, saith the Sparrow.
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Oh? What happened between Mike and Karen? The predictable thing happened. Michael was being called back to a church that God wanted to place him in so that "their" garden would be properly cared for by His undershepherds - Michael continued to "date" Karen and the meaning that his sons (and the modern world) had for the term "
dating" became way too clear. The strong desire(s) of his need to find "
touch" and to provide [a 'mother figure' for his kids], and his needs for intimacy pulled him away from God. The "baby" of these strong desires <lust> gave birth to <sin> and they fornicated. As Michael walked away from the Love of his life (God) he thought he was within is constitutional rights to pursue happiness. Sad isn't it?
~Sparrow
P.S. Kissing today? Well I'm currently courting a lovely woman and if that would please her heart then yes - I like our relationship; we're even careful on the phone or when we're chatting on the internet because the Lords has shown me (and she) how crucial the "forming place" of our relationship is. Finding agreement and a place where we can open up Spiritually and be walking hand-in-hand, exposed in our hearts before God and to each other, is the right target for us today.
