[__ Prayer __] what gives?

[Christ_empowered]

I just got home a little while ago. Walking to my (nice, modest) unit, and some lady was yelling out about "he's a FULL GROWN man!" and some sexual junk, and...

I dunno. Psychiatry was (is!) only part of my problem, pre-Jesus. Now? its more..."how cruel the world is," isn't it?

I've had brain scans. severe, permanent brain damage...much of it from psychiatry (involuntary shock, involuntary operations). I apparently narrowly avoided a state hospital back in the day, and then only because the private practice shrinks were going to keep bleeding the insurance thru my parents till they were thru with me, then I'd be "put away," somewhere (No, really...I"m beginning to suspect this is happening to a lot of people, btw). and so...

God is Good! God is Love! I mean that, truly. In Christ, I have been forgiven, "...washed and made clean...," and...thankfully, He has seen fit to bring deliverance, in the here and now. Praise God!

I suspect...people want to intimidate me. A burglar alarm (front door) went off, a couple of weeks ago. The motion detector in a back room went off about 1 week ago. This is a quiet, modest, low crime area. I get a -strong- sense of being -unwelcome- , to put it mildly. and...and...

Basically, I have Jesus! My parents! What I need for life and a bit extra! I've even been made healthy! and...

what gives, with sudden upswings in contempt and ridicule? its not even that its...painful, now...more like...

confusing and disconcerting, because I keep a low profile and I mind my own business. -doesn't make sense-

at a spiritual level, I know persecution happens. In the Bible belt, they'll say "at least he became a Christian," but they're just as bad as anywhere else, USA, I think. probably...better in some cases, worse in others.

did I mention that I have long term (I'm thinking close to 20 years, now) untreated HIV+? Its not that I'm anti-science, its...that doctors did not want to give me treatment, I was never offered treatment, and I ended up trying my hand at the Duesberg hypothesis (free radicals lead to AIDS, not necessarily HIV) because...I didn't want to die, no treatment offered, what else was there to do, anyway? so....

I doubt antioxidants and such restored my health, but that coupled with the psych stigma and everything else...kinda worrisome. People -- mostly men -- have openly talked about beating me up, etc. here and there, in public places. I don't know them. They apparently know of me, which raises some obvious questions, such as: does notoriety fade? is this nonsense going to continue, indefinitely?

so, yeah. Healthy! Probably an act of extreme mercy and compassion and Love from God, Himself. awesome

the...human beings around me? or at least...their reactions to His work in my life? -not so awesome-

on the plus side, my parents are exceptionally kind and supportive. -accentuate the positive...-



I dunno. confused and concerned, I suppose. thanks.

 

[Corn Pop]

You doing well CE, just keep your faith and hope and it will get you though. Even when your a mustard seed you always pull through and you prove in your struggles, you give witness that Christ will always give strength. He don't promise us this world but does promise to give us strength, that is hope to soldier on.

I'm sorry you had to go through involuntary shock and it hurt, im not sure if it was against your human right and will without your consent or it was under your parents authority if you were a minor at the time, but I do know your parents love you and they always and only wanted the best for you.

Your a good dude and doing well. Your staying out of trouble and moving on in life.

The voices you hear trying to put you down are not true. Your just healing. Your doing well. You been though a rough life so nothings going to be easy, it's a long road to recovery. It can take a life time but you just soldier on keep your hope and faith and you be all good brother.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks kiwidan .

I know it sounds like I'm just hearing voices, but...no. I think...I -was- regarded as "reject," "poor white trash" (that's what impoverished white people are called in the bible belt, lol), all that...

now? "oh. he developed Schizophrenia." And I'm thinking...??? what gives?

My -physical health- is quite good, now. People seem...angry, irritated...that I'm visibly healthy and 0 premature aging, all that. I guess...once again, that's how evil the world is? Scripture mentions "...the old shall become new...," and I think on it, and...

At nearly 38 (yay!), it isn't that I look freakishly young or anything, its more like...

no wear and tear on the face, thick hair, no health problems (despite...my own sins, the shrinks, etc.), so...restoration, as part of the "...put off the old, put on the new..." process. I am thankful.

I'm still on a tranquilizer, just a lower dosage. Its...crazy...how -very little- psychiatry can really accomplish. When the new round of tranquilizers came out (the "atypicals"), the shrinks were all like "wow, these pills are awesome, no major side effects, so safe!" and now...

at -best- , the new round are regarded as "easier to tolerate, for many patients" vs the older options. more often its something along the lines of "fewer cases of tardive dyskinesia, fewer neurological side effects. more weight gain, more metabolic concerns," so...wow. -what progress-

But, yeah...at the lower dosage, my "atypical" keeps agitation and such at bay, and...yup, I am in fact taunted. can't say its unexpected, I mean...I lived in this area for most of my life, my parents have lived in this area for nearly 40 years, too, and...

on and on and on. -real world- , or at least...my lil corner of it, anyway.

I get...frustrated....with some of it, at times. little, but -obvious- , acts of aggression and petty cruelty...add up. an empty soda bottle in my outdoor planter (no one except me and people going into my place have any reason to be right outside my door...obvious bullying, basically...), some random individual with an out of state tag parking in my spot (there's parking for residents and parking for guests...that person chose to park in the resident parking, in my spot, and...yeah...minor, but again: obvious bullying), and....and...

I keep in mind how Good Jesus is, how kind my parents are, how far He's brought me...


and I am thankful. maybe its because a lot of this junk is so...completely, totally unnecessary? like a neighbor who taunts and harasses me. why did he buy the place -right next door- if he has such a problem with me? who is he, anyway?

ugh. some people...seem to have moved out and on. I never really kept (or keep) tabs on who lives here. Its like...more stable than a typical apartment for this area, higher turnover than, say, a subdivision. so...some stay, some move, life goes on. but...

I am thankful. this one lady...she had a vanity plate (a license plate with a chosen series of numbers, letters...costs a tad extra, I don't know why people do it...) on her vehicle...

she'd make these horrible faces at me, just in the parking lot, and sneer and make comments...

she seems to be gone, now? -shrug- haven't seen the vehicle or dealt with snark-fest in a month or so now.

another set of people moved, too. I never really spoke to them much, but I got the sense...they were -not- fond of me. blah. :-(

maybe...its time to just settle into...my new life, as it develops and as I grow in Christ...and worry less? I can't control the past or (and this seems to be more the issue...) what people have said and continue to say about my parents and me. they (My parents) had a hard run of things, too, until they both got promotions and such. advanced degrees, white collar jobs, and...

blah. darned if you do, darned if you don't. some had (and have) it better, others worse. just...the real world, yet again? on the plus side...they're both healthy and doing well. I was a miserable wretch, pre-Jesus. Honestly, it wasn't until the last 3-4 years that things really, really, truly started coming together in my life, in all respects.

Ugh. "Schizophrenia." what is it, anyway? the shrinks offer up pills, all that jazz....not much to be done. seriously. Best case scenario? Honestly, I think I may be living such a "good case scenario" that my quiet, modest (but nice!) lifestyle is something of a modern day miracle for a "Mental patient." -true story-

then the counselors, psychologists...sometimes, they want to talk it out. talk it to death. is that...helpful? kinda doubt it. I get easy, breezy counseling now...basic advice on how to get on with it...and that's helpful. not that reflection is bad, just...the "answers" are not within, or in the past, or in the "correct coping mechanisms," so much as...

-shrug- Jesus saves. why not me? I'm trying to do the basics...10 Commandments, "do unto others as you would have done unto you...," Micah 6:8 ...

our daily bread devotionals (free! short! edifying!). I don't pray nearly as much....not out loud, at least. I dunno. I started to worry...that the prayers had become about me, not so much about Jesus and The Good News, somehow. I dunno. Kind of like...sometimes, church people will say things like "The Lord put it on my heart..." and on and on, when really...

who knows? maybe they just felt like saying something? everybody needs Jesus, everybody needs forgiveness and redemption...

the church culture of bible belt, usa is looking more and more toxic by the day. that's not really my issue, but...wow. maybe I'll just see about joining up with a low key Bible study group or something. not so much Very Important men with Very Important doctrine and such, just...

people, in Christ, trying to do life...better. something like that, anyway.

rambling. sun is coming up, so pretty in my place. thanks again, kiwidan .

 

[Christ_empowered]

me, yet again.

Went grocery shopping today. kind of a big deal, for me...a weekend (busier) and not -right- when the store opens (because...anxiety, etc.). and...

overall, it went nicely. while checking and paying, I overheard the couple behind me making snarky comments about me "being on welfare" and such. ugh. First off...I'm all about social programs and I'm glad when what's left of the safety net in the US catches anyone. really.

Secondly, because of The Lord's work in my life and my parents' lives, I don't need that level of help/assistance, thank goodness. So...I paid in cash and got kinda antsy, waiting for change...but vastly improved, praise Jesus.

so...basically, life goes on, thanks to Christ. Back at my place...got some laundry done, baked up a wholesome snack/mini-meal, and...

the taunts from upstairs are bad, man. a friend called...she and her boyfriend are in the process of buying a house, so she's stressed and calling more frequently. OK. so, I'm talking on the cellie with her, and...

the taunts from upstairs were getting a bit...intense. not as bad as, say, 2 years ago...but not fun. I don't know them. These are mostly 2 bedroom units, some 3 bedroom...in some buildings, they have these 2 story, deluxe apartments (not in this building). so...

theirs is a 2 bedroom, 2 bath just like mine (I saw it on Zillow...and dad's had to deal with the owner...), but it seems that people are in and out, and not just 2 people. so, there's that. -shrug- what to do? Pray and...just do me, as the kids say. That's my current plan, anyway.

I hate how the world condemns not just me, but lots of outcasts. Everything, 'round here, is somehow...my fault. Things are 110% better, now, because of The Lord's work in my life and my parents' lives, but...

basically, I don't have anyone here, locally, to hang out with...but it seems that I'm an outsider and all that, so other peoples' versions of my life seem to have made it...

-sigh- I'm thinking more or less impossible to do much,, honestly. I couldn't even volunteer at a local non-profit without getting heckled. -intense- I mean, they were heckling me with "his dad makes xyz grand a year, he thinks he's special" and other junk, along with some old psych labels and...

on the one hand, that time I saw the people. A 25-30 year old dude and his girlfriend. ok. bullying is rough, but at least I saw them. -blah-

ok. thanks, as always.