Quath,
I don't see you as studying me like a guinea pig. I do think that you are curious about the arguments of believers, though, their world-views...and how they form them. Maybe you even use these things against us in your mind...sort of more reasons to be against religion...or to find ways to argue against it. This doesn't matter to me. I believe God brought you here. :wink: On a personal note, you have always been kind to me when we have written, here and in pm, and you have encouraged me on more than one occasion when I have been struggling. I get that feeling you do like some of us in a sincere manner. I am glad you're here, not only because I want you to see the Gospel...though I would be lying if I said that wasn't top on my list...but also because I like you.
Here are my thoughts on the topic. Lewis is right, you will be without excuse if you die in your state of unbelief, and there is nothing anyone can do about it because it's between you and God alone. I do pray for you, that God not give you over to sin (unbelief), but give you genuine deep belief instead. I pray that He uses your doubts later to fill you up with answers. Like Lewis, I hope to see a beautiful testimony in your life one day.
I have faith that if you really desired to know God that He would reveal himself to you...that if you really looked into His Word with a motive to find out if He is real, then you would learn that He is...that He's not some cliche'. It would take faith, though. What else can be said? The Gospel is that God loves you, and that He sent His Son to die for you so that you may join Him in His eternal inheritance. I think you have heard all of this before, but you always have a reason (or excuse) for your unbelief no matter what is said. Why doesn't Creation convince you? The Heavens are telling, and it is in man to know...on some level you see evidence of Him, and you reject Him. Why doesn't the Word convince you? I am amazed at the Truth in the Word...why aren't you?
I have a friend (We grew up together) who once told me that he wished he could have absolute faith like mine, but that he found he could believe in nothing absolutely. Life seems to be a series of questions for him with no definite answers. I think most of the time he likes the open-endedness of his beliefs, because he feels as if he is more open-minded, or more thoughtful, than most, but at times a fixed point of navigation seems to appeal to him too. We are still great friends, but he is still an atheist...or maybe closer to agnostic really.
I think what Drew said is correct. Not everyone who calls themselves believer's in Christ are actually believers. I don't know why this happens, but I know that Jesus did speak of the tares and the wheat growing together. John, in his epistles, says that loving God, and sharing God's love in us through things like acts of forgiveness and acts of charity is our ear mark of belief. I do think in this instance belief dictates behavior...because the Spirit indwells believers, though, not because we are better people because of our worldviews or doctrines. And as believer's, between believers, we are to discern by the fruits...which seems hard because we are all so imperfect (our judgements and deeds)...but I think this is why God expects that we will rely on the Holy Spirit's guidance in these matters too. Humility is very key, because we must recognize it is only by God, and not of ourselves. I think that seeing the Holy Spirit working in the lives of believer's is a huge witness. If people could see God's love in us more, then I believe more would come to know Christ. I think, though, this is most definitely a work of God alone, His Spirit. I also think that when we represent Christ poorly, by not walking in the Spirit, this also influences...and it may even serve to harden.
I think that you see your 'excuses' as questions really...or holes even. I would say that most of us have had similar 'excuses' before we were believers...even as believers to a degree. I met Him young, and though I have had periods of doubt...questions...'excuses'...they could not root out my belief. I can't get away from my faith, and I have tried before. My dad and I use to have huge discussions about faith as I was growing. These discussions deepened my faith in the long run, and they taught me that apologetics doesn't save...the Holy Spirit does. Given words, God's words, are the only that will serve to reveal Him to people. For me, the more I hear of God, the more I seem to believe and love Him. I would say that your experience is just the opposite...the more you hear, the more you doubt. I think you wrote once that a book that your grandmother sent to you to bear witness of Christ only caused you to be more of an unbeliever. This is how it should be, I guess. He is a Cornerstone for some, and a Rock of offence to others.
You can not see God's Truth for some reason, and I can't see anything but His Truth anymore...isn't this odd? Are we really so different as people? You don't see God in Creation, or in the Word, and you don't see Him in Christ or His church's witness. If I tell you of God answering my prayers, you find reasons to doubt. If I tell you of a miracle, you find reasons why not to attribute it to God. I can only pray that God will incline your heart to know Him, love him, as mine does. What else can I do other than pray and speak the witness?
Anyway, I am glad you are here. The Lord bless you.