Am I Wrong Here?

[daninthelionsden]

I believe a couple of his major problems is that he is embarrassed by his weight, which has caused his insecurities and low self esteem. It could be the effects of what has happened to him in his past. Seems like he needs professional counseling and am praying for God's intervention in his life as you and your husband continue to witness the love of Christ to him. Right now he doesn't even love himself and in that area he needs a support system.

Please don't give in to the worldly temptation to further isolate him. He's already been betrayed and isolated by family. Just adjust your help to include conditions that nudge him into expanding his horizons. If he wants something from the store then say "OK, but you have to come along." or make other trades like OK but first brush your teeth or first take a walk with me. Set conditions. Also tell him to tell all what happened to you. Can he have a pet? Caring for something besides himself will get him to quit internalizing. Please don't give up on him, everyone else already has and when your core relationships (family) betray and abandon then one can feel worthless.

 

[Christ_empowered]

ok, I see daninthelionsden's point, here. And...I think I agree more with him than with what I initially posted.

 

[for_his_glory]

Please don't give in to the worldly temptation to further isolate him. He's already been betrayed and isolated by family. Just adjust your help to include conditions that nudge him into expanding his horizons. If he wants something from the store then say "OK, but you have to come along." or make other trades like OK but first brush your teeth or first take a walk with me. Set conditions. Also tell him to tell all what happened to you. Can he have a pet? Caring for something besides himself will get him to quit internalizing. Please don't give up on him, everyone else already has and when your core relationships (family) betray and abandon then one can feel worthless.

I never said to isolate him as that would be the worse thing anyone could do. I said in a previous post to quit doing so much for him as he will have to eventually start doing things for himself.

 

[Luminous_Rose]

Please don't give in to the worldly temptation to further isolate him. He's already been betrayed and isolated by family. Just adjust your help to include conditions that nudge him into expanding his horizons. If he wants something from the store then say "OK, but you have to come along." or make other trades like OK but first brush your teeth or first take a walk with me. Set conditions. Also tell him to tell all what happened to you. Can he have a pet? Caring for something besides himself will get him to quit internalizing. Please don't give up on him, everyone else already has and when your core relationships (family) betray and abandon then one can feel worthless.

He already feels worthless. His roommates were tired of dealing with him because they were taking care of him and he they were the ones paying most of the rent and bills. The roommates had a cat and dog, but he complained about them. I don't know if he would like the idea of a pet, and I see where you are getting at. I don't know what his pet policies are at his apartment. I also don't know if he would neglect the animal because of how badly he neglects himself.

I can suggest that to my husband if that is more doable. He may have already tried it, but I will see. I don't think Jimmy likes kids so I am not generally the one helping out unless I am just along for the car ride. There was a time he told us to meet him 1 1/2 hours away from home for lunch and no kids so we should "plan accordingly". Yeah..not happening. So I will see what my husband thinks...I have a feeling he has been pondering many scenarios already.

 

[Corn Pop]

This situation reminds me of some people in this world, they get lazy and too comfortable and then expect everything in life to be handed them on a platter. The more help and freebies people get, the more lazy and comfortable they become. Who is the most comfortable in life, it's children because they get everything for free and handed on a platter. Tell them to put the dishes away they have a cry.

 

[evenifigoalone]

Depression can make it hard to do stuff, it robs you of motivation and energy (cuz it's hard fighting deep despair 24/7) and people who deal with severe depression can have problems even getting themselves to eat or shower, etc. Buuuut, he isn't making any effort to get better whatsoever. There's a difference between struggling to get better, and not even trying at all.

 

[Luminous_Rose]

This situation reminds me of some people in this world, they get lazy and too comfortable and then expect everything in life to be handed them on a platter. The more help and freebies people get, the more lazy and comfortable they become. Who is the most comfortable in life, it's children because they get everything for free and handed on a platter. Tell them to put the dishes away they have a cry.

Sadly this is the true story for many. Some think the world owes them just for being alive. I figure he would probably at least be working if he wasn't getting the disability. He was doing work without it.

 

[Luminous_Rose]

Depression can make it hard to do stuff, it robs you of motivation and energy (cuz it's hard fighting deep despair 24/7) and people who deal with severe depression can have problems even getting themselves to eat or shower, etc. Buuuut, he isn't making any effort to get better whatsoever. There's a difference between struggling to get better, and not even trying at all.

I guess this is why I am not as sympathetic - because he doesn't try. The times I had depression in life were hard. I was at least trying most days. I still got good grades in the long run. Other times people were depending on me and I couldn't let them down just because I was depressed. It was painful to push myself in such deep depression and each day felt like climbing a mountain. I know God got me through when I turned things around and stopped putting Him on the back burner, but I can imagine depression without God is even harder.

From how I see it, I guess he has the choice. He can let his lifestyle kill him or he can try to make a change.

 

[daninthelionsden]

I guess this is why I am not as sympathetic - because he doesn't try. The times I had depression in life were hard. I was at least trying most days. I still got good grades in the long run. Other times people were depending on me and I couldn't let them down just because I was depressed. It was painful to push myself in such deep depression and each day felt like climbing a mountain. I know God got me through when I turned things around and stopped putting Him on the back burner, but I can imagine depression without God is even harder.

From how I see it, I guess he has the choice. He can let his lifestyle kill him or he can try to make a change.

He needs time and help processing what happened to him. Some kids liked being molested and went on to be prostitutes, etc while others, like myself were deeply traumatized and wounded by the betrayal. He's trying to work through it alone.

 

[Luminous_Rose]

He needs time and help processing what happened to him. Some kids liked being molested and went on to be prostitutes, etc while others, like myself were deeply traumatized and wounded by the betrayal. He's trying to work through it alone.

He is in his 40s now a days, and we can't do the processing for him. He needs to see a therapist or find like a peer support group, but he won't get out of the house. He doesn't take the useful help. We can't force him to change his life or blurt out his life stories.

Whoa. Back up. Did I understand this right?!:

Some kids liked being molested and went on to be prostitutes

What?! No one likes being molested!!! What the...?! Yeah, I will jump on my soapbox for this. You want to know why some child sex abuse victims become prostitutes?! S-H-A-M-E! Yes, it is the shame. Many did not have good father figures or their father was the abuser. Others are trying numb the trauma because it is so painful. They try to cover their shame and sometimes this makes them feel a false sense of acceptance and love. However, they still are trying to fill a void that can only be filled with God. I feel deeply for those of such abuse. I am sorry you are a victim.

Psychology says that the victim of child abuse will either become the victimizer or the opposite (ex. Gets a career to catch sexual abusers).

 

[daninthelionsden]

He is in his 40s now a days, and we can't do the processing for him. He needs to see a therapist or find like a peer support group, but he won't get out of the house. He doesn't take the useful help. We can't force him to change his life or blurt out his life stories.

Whoa. Back up. Did I understand this right?!:



What?! No one likes being molested!!! What the...?! Yeah, I will jump on my soapbox for this. You want to know why some child sex abuse victims become prostitutes?! S-H-A-M-E! Yes, it is the shame. Many did not have good father figures or their father was the abuser. Others are trying numb the trauma because it is so painful. They try to cover their shame and sometimes this makes them feel a false sense of acceptance and love. However, they still are trying to fill a void that can only be filled with God. I feel deeply for those of such abuse. I am sorry you are a victim.

Psychology says that the victim of child abuse will either become the victimizer or the opposite (ex. Gets a career to catch sexual abusers).

I grew up in massive sexual perversion. I was sexually abused by my older brother. When older I was handed over to my mother's Episcopal priest married pedophile boyfriend to be molested. After that I attempted suicide. One girl I knew was impregnated by her father and got an abortion. She defends her father and said what they did together was "no big deal." She is now bisexual. Another was molested and she is lesbian. Another I knew was molested and she became a prostitute. Another was the 12 year old daughter of a prostitute and had a 25 year old boyfriend. Her mother was arrested and Candy was sent to juevinile in Brownsville, Texas where she was repeatedly raped by the guards. She escaped and went on the run. Always wondered whatever happened to her all these years. Half the boys being molested at our church enjoyed it and became either homosexual or bisexual.
Sorry but your understanding of pedophilia is one of stereotypical simplicity. The causes and effects of sexual perversion run deep and are complicated and so are the effects on the victim. By the way my own half brother first had sex with our mother at 16 and continued it well into adulthood. Why? He enjoyed it. I could go on and on with what I saw and experienced. There's much more to this sickness than the sterilized white washed psycho-babble found in books.

 

[evenifigoalone]

Becoming promiscuous is also a trauma response and a way to process trauma and sort of a way try to overcome it. Not a healthy thing, for certain, but it does happen.
I'm also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, have been in an online support group for others who have gone through similar things and the way people respond to the aftermath of abuse varies a lot.
Some of the responses are messed up for certain, but I wouldn't be so quick to pass judgement.

Anything sexual done to a child is always abuse, because children are psychologically incapable of consenting or comprehending what's really happening.

 

[daninthelionsden]

Becoming promiscuous is also a trauma response and a way to process trauma and sort of a way try to overcome it. Not a healthy thing, for certain, but it does happen.
I'm also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, have been in an online support group for others who have gone through similar things and the way people respond to the aftermath of abuse varies a lot.
Some of the responses are messed up for certain, but I wouldn't be so quick to pass judgement.

Anything sexual done to a child is always abuse, because children are psychologically incapable of consenting or comprehending what's really happening.

AMEN to that.

 

[jasonc]

older daughter in law is bisexual and expicilty states that she became one because a baby sitter assaulted her. I had to hear that desire to have sex with any female she saw in my house. I told her I cant change your thoughts nor desire, but I have no such inkling to listen to yours. of course she has a three year old and said well what ever you are talking about she is listening, im sure when your older daughter does have sex you wont want to hear the details, oddly she agreed. sadly this didn't work and infuriated me numerous times , I get the perversion and how complicated the situation is.