[__ Prayer __] ...and its ALL YOUR FAULT!

[Christ_empowered]

That's the general consensus around here. I used to *need* a state mental hospital or...something. Obviously a victim of psychiatry. No longer...

...I'm healthy and the new shrinks say its "recovery." OK. Recovery. We'll go with that. My vote goes for slow-mo miracle, but, whatever....recovery.

So, now, I have "schizophrenia," basically by consensus. And its all my fault. "Poor life choices," "too promiscuous," etc. This based on what I've heard people say in my neighborhood and once or twice at the mental health clinic I go to.

UGH! Look, I was a wretch. Slave of sin, 110%. I get it. I could very well have been committed simply because I did too many drugs. I get that. But...

...nothing really justifies the way people--"mental health professionals," in particular--have treated me. Excessive (and involuntary) ECT. Confidentiality violations. Over-billing my parents and insurance company.

I'm always being singled out for the worst, most stigmatizing diagnoses and prognoses. I'm sick of it!

Look, I get agitated. Moody. Sometimes I hear voices. That's what Abilify is for, lol. Its not a huge deal, and its not even all that incapacitating, at least not anymore.

I'm hoping to one day be free of this place and mental health, inc. If I need meds, I guess I could just go to a family doctor and get them discreetly, no big deal.

I'm just...frustrated. Doing better--doing well at Liberty, moving forward in life, albeit somewhat slowly. Keeping up with my misdemeanor probation.

I just can't believe how cruel and judgmental people are, although it makes sense. I get the impression that mental health hasn't changed much since the 50s, at least not around here.

Ugh! I pray some of this is persecution. I mean, its like this: pre-repentance, I was stigmatized, but I was also stupid. Now, people only despise me. I mean, its rough...the other night, I was smoking a cigarette, and my neighbor screamed "Queer!" at me. They've screamed far worse, of course, but...wow. When I was actively gay, nobody cared. Now, I'm more masculine, trying to be celibate, and my sexuality is a huge issue, like I'm the only queer who ever lived, EVER.

Our God is a God of restoration...

...that's probably part of the problem, lol. I can be a Christian as long as I'm dull and know my place, etc. But to dare to make forward progress? To be smart enough for college-level work? To be physically healthy? NOT OK!

Ramble ramble....this is just getting old, that's all.

 

[Willie T]

Ramble ramble....this is just getting old, that's all.

Yes, it is. When are you going to stop?

 

[Christ_empowered]

LOL...soon, I promise.

 

[Kathi]

...and its ALL YOUR FAULT!

Do people tell you this?What is your fault?

 

[Willie T]

LOL...soon, I promise.

Well, you know it will only happen when YOU finally decide.

 

[Brother Mike]

I have learned to take ownership of everything. Not always the problem but my diligence In the word to over come the problem. I am responsible for the outcome. If that is the case then the actual type of problem is not the issue

 

[Willie T]

I first started work in a mental hospital back in the late 60's, but I learned early-on that all our lives start TODAY, despite what may have happened YESTERDAY.
The people and situations that may have caused the patients to be there might have been the "reasons" for them being there...... but from the day therapy began, those influences were nothing but "excuses" anymore.

I've retained that belief all my life. And, in my later work teaching REBT, it has been passed on to multiple hundreds of clients. And they found it to be true. You cannot live in the past, and stay mentally healthy.

 

[Brother Mike]

I first started work in a mental hospital back in the late 60's, but I learned early-on that all our lives start TODAY, despite what may have happened YESTERDAY.
The people and situations that may have caused the patients to be there might have been the "reasons" for them being there...... but from the day therapy began, those influences were nothing but "excuses" anymore.

I've retained that belief all my life. And, in my later work teaching REBT, it has been passed on to multiple hundreds of clients. And they found it to be true. You cannot live in the past, and stay mentally healthy.

Yep and the one thing Paul comprehended, the most important thing to him. In fact it was key to his success.

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
(Php 3:13)

Holding on to past failures, past grudges, past hurts will destroy you and holding on to those things, mentioning those things are disobedience to the Word.

Being a ex-con, I get told they won't hire me, it gets brought up at times that are not convenient, but what do I care, it won't stop me, and I certainly am not going to think on it.

 

[Willie T]

Yep and the one thing Paul comprehended, the most important thing to him. In fact it was key to his success.

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
(Php 3:13)

Holding on to past failures, past grudges, past hurts will destroy you and holding on to those things, mentioning those things are disobedience to the Word.

Being a ex-con, I get told they won't hire me, it gets brought up at times that are not convenient, but what do I care, it won't stop me, and I certainly am not going to think on it.

Yep, due to circumstances, some doors really do get shut. But not all doors. I told all my clients when it came to hiring hassles, "Some will, some won't, so what?" If you find out where to look, you will be surprised at how many opportunities are still open.

 

[jasonc]

I first started work in a mental hospital back in the late 60's, but I learned early-on that all our lives start TODAY, despite what may have happened YESTERDAY.
The people and situations that may have caused the patients to be there might have been the "reasons" for them being there...... but from the day therapy began, those influences were nothing but "excuses" anymore.

I've retained that belief all my life. And, in my later work teaching REBT, it has been passed on to multiple hundreds of clients. And they found it to be true. You cannot live in the past, and stay mentally healthy.

the past Is before us and the future is behind us. a Hebrew saying from the Talmud. its how we operate all the time, till we decide not to do that no more.

 

[Angel]

Do you write here as a means to cope? Because you say the same thing every post. Just wondering...

 

[Angel]

You cannot live in the past, and stay mentally healthy.

This is true.

 

[GrannyJ]

I agree that the past needs to be left behind, but it's easy to say and hard to do.

I mentioned a really good book that's helped me a lot, in the Coping with mental illness thread. Written by a Christian who has made a life study of how the brain works, she actually shows you how to "renew your mind", as Paul tells us to do in Romans. You have to put serious work into it, replacing the bad, toxic thoughts and memories with good thoughts learned through prayer and paying attention to the Bible. it doesn't just happen; you have to choose to make it happen and repetitively put effort into it

For me, the results have been amazing.

 

[jeff77]

If anyone has been reading Christ_empowered post over the last year, you can really see a difference in him (for the better). He still may ramble some but I see a lot of positive change in him.

 

[Christ_empowered]

OK. I'm growing through this, lol. Keep in mind; I'm just now growing up, and only because of Christ Jesus. Its weird...my emotional maturation stopped at a young age. I even stopped growing at like 14 or so, until recently (happy to report I'm now 5'10, well within average height range).

The world has nothing but condemnation for most people. "Mental health" is usually an outgrowth of society. Until repentance, I was wretched. That was a bit less than 2 years ago, so...wow...that's close to 30 years of wretchedness, lol.

Anyway, maybe I just wish people would keep their opinions to themselves. But I'm low status, being taken care of by my high(er) status people, plus I'm a Baby Christian, so...they yell about me a lot.

 

[Angel]

Hey friend,
I can very much relate to not growing up because of drug use and living an ungodly lifestyle. I stopped maturing at 19. It has taken over 20 years to mature. And how it happened was easy: I just asked God to grant me maturity.
I know you struggle with rejection, and I have a video that I hope is helpful:

 

[Christ_empowered]

hey angel....

its like, my own sins, plus other factors, seriously stunted my growth in all respects (socially,emotionally, physically, spiritually), and now...I"m growing, thanks to Christ Jesus. I'm learning to put the past behind me, finally. I've been praying that God will "give me what it takes to bear up under what comes my way," and He's been coming through for me in a big, big way. I have this one set of neighbors, their back yard (they have a fence, thank God) borders on part of my parents' back yard...they're always messing with me. Last night, I was out back, smoking a cigarette, and dude man screamed out "He ain't a MAN!"

I had my MP3 player in, and I could *still* hear it. I suspect now that those people drink a good bit, because it was 10ish at night and dude man was loud. For a while, the men around here were particularly vicious. Then, I repented. Now, women around the 'hood throw in their 2 cents, too, lol. I guess God's work in my life has made me less of an object of pity and also...people never wanted anything good to happen for me, in general.

Ugh. I'm very much a rough draft, a work in progress. I came to repentance (I believe I was called...it was gonna take a miracle...) a bit less than 2 years ago. Only now can I say "Yes, I've (largely) recovered" from my "treatment," which in my case involved heavy, involuntary ECT. A lot of my memories are undoubtedly gone forever (they shocked me back to the stone age, lol), but some of them have returned, by Christ's grace.

I did lead a terrible life, particularly as a teenager (my first round of involuntary ECT was @ age 20). My sins alone should have resulted in a state mental hospital stint, death, or a permanent life as a semi-vegetable. I mean, I popped pills--particularly Rx amphetamines and my favorite flavor tranquilizers, Klonopin, Ativan, and Xanax--like candy. Not good. Not good at all. And I already had mental problems, anyway.

Now, its just...frustrating. I finally have a solidly masculine identity and my masculinity continues to develop, by Christ's grace. My hair is thick, healthy, wavy, and a pretty color (I had thin, brittle, nasty hair from a young age from a number of factors, many of them self-inflicted). My once prematurely aged, ashen skin has given way to smooth, healthy, wrinkle-free skin. My facial features are more masculine and conventional looking. My eyes are bright (not surprisingly, I was a dead eyed, brain damaged semi-zombie for a while there). I'm in the average height range (I was short before). Physically, I'm fat and out of shape (stress, plus my love of not so good for you food), but I'm healthy and I look a little bit younger than my age (nothing freakish, but I used to look *considerably* older than my age).

Mentally...less agitation, anxiety, paranoia, moodiness, self-obsessed introspection, severe depression (I still get down, but I don't think its really severe depression at this point), better concentration. I dream at night, which I didn't for years. I have a decent memory. I can learn and apply skills and concepts reasonably well. So, yeah; I'm increasingly normal--Praise God!--and the word around the neighborhood is....

...I'm "schizophrenic." This is where it gets frustrating (sorry this is so long). When I was seriously physically and mentally SICK (yes, screaming caps intentional), nobody cared. They laughed. It was "all my fault," etc. "Just a narcissist." OK. Now, its like...I came to repentance, somehow (I'm not a huge believer in predestination, but I get the sense that sometimes God calls some people--maybe a lot of people, I dunno--who can't quite "figure it out" on their own...), and everything about me has changed, for the better, and now...

...NOW people talk about "schizophrenia." Ugh. Look, I'm not "too good" for a schizophrenia diagnosis, that's not the issue. The issue is that the people treating me now (community mental health clinic) say I'm "in recovery," and they're right. I don't deserve health and recovery and all that, but...grace, you know? Unmerited favor. So, I'm increasingly normal--fairly minimal meds and counseling, better relationships with others, better cognitive functioning, better social skills, more gender-appropriate, masculine identity behavior and identity--and now the people around me keep talking about how "schizophrenic" I am. And of course...its all my fault.

Its just lame. I mean, look, somehow, despite all that ECT and who knows what else, I have mental problems. 2 mood stabilizers and a high dose of Abilify+ an Orthomolecular routine+prayer and faith=surprisingly normal. Really. I'm just angry about this "schizophrenia" stuff because they're clearly using the label, "schizophrenia," to dismiss and invalidate me, to stigmatize me. Its like how Ronne, my friend Verna's (now deceased) husband told me, not so long ago...."no matter what you do, they're gonna say you're crazy." I say I'm healthy and close(r) to normal. The people currently treating me call it "recovery." But, hey...it appears that we've been outvoted, lol.

 

[Angel]

Hello!
Could you explain more about your repentance? I want to know what it means to you.

You are on a lot of medication. I am schizophrenic and I take Lamectol and Clozaril. Clozaril is amazing!!! I am so much healthier than I used to be. I tried Abilify and I went NUTS! It doesn't work. At least for me.

I am so proud of you for trusting God and your resiliance to go on. Keep holding on tight to Jesus. I dont know if I could survive with what you are going through..

What else do you want us to pray?

 

[Christ_empowered]

I take lamictal, trileptal, and Abilify.

I believe I was called to believe upon Christ, as a supreme act of mercy from God. That was less than 2 years ago. I prayed and cried like a baby, lol.

I just want people to stop messing with me. The neighbors scream stuff at me. At first, it was mostly then men, but now the women have joined in the fun, too. I am incredibly stigmatized around here. Imagine: a formerly effeminate, sodomite, pill head, mental patient who was once stupid becoming....gasp...relatively normal. In "The Bible Belt," no less. See, a lot of people talk a good game about Christianity and what not around here, but...they're actually more punitive and more judgmental than people in other parts of the country. Its ridiculous.

So, I'm a Baby Christian. I have a lot of work to do, obviously, a lot of progress yet to make (with God's help). I'm unemployed, chronically. The only reason I'm not institutionalized or incarcerated or homeless is my long suffering parents, especially my father. I am blessed with the opportunity to go to Liberty, that's for sure. I mean, I'm on financial aid, so I'll have to (somehow) pay back a lot of this (I do get Pell Grants and such, thank God), but...its a blessing, that's for sure. I can't go to the local tech school because of my terrible reputation around here. The nearest other tech school is 40ish miles away. Online school isn't ideal, but its better than nothing, that's for sure.

I pray for resilience. I pray for maturation. I pray for social interaction. I mean, part of the problem is that I'm stuck at my parents' house, living in a neighborhood filled with people who hate me, all day. I mean...all day long. My parents and I have nice little chit chats now and then...nothing of substance. My rep in this town is terrible.

Pray an end to all this. I mean, yeah, pain is a part of life. Persecution is a big deal for a lot of Christians, and I suspect its worse for those of us who were wretched and ostracized pre-repentance. I'm hoping my life will improve and I'll one day be able to hold down a job and not live around here.

I'm praying my ex-shrinks will STOP "making an example" out of me. I mean, I've had involuntary ECT, an involuntary lobotomy, its just ridiculous.

 

[AirDancer]

Frankly, I've very thankful that you feel comfortable presenting your praises, concerns, frustrations and joys here at CFnet, Christ_empowered . 'Baby' Christians need a good support family, and since you do not have a home church to provide support, there are many, many of us who embrace you within our 'family' here. We are here for you, my friend, without negative judgment, to read (listen) what you write and to pray with you.

I have more respect for you for not responding to your neighbors when they shout what they believe to be insults at you. You know the truth about yourself ... you also know how far our Lord has brought you to being the young man you are today. Remaining His son will bring even further growth, both spiritual and personal. Just know without a doubt: our Lord loves you dearly and He will never abandon you. And I give thanks and praise to Him for His wisdom in guiding you to CFnet and us.

My prayers continue for you