[__ Prayer __] bear up under it...

[Christ_empowered]

me, yet again.

as I have posted on...so, so, so many times...the general nastiness around me waxes and wanes, or...seems too, anyway? -shrug- by His grace, I survived...the hot mess of an existence I had, before Jesus moved on my heart and I got truly saved, a bit over 9 years ago. and now...

wow. close to my parents, healthy, smart and normal enough to have a decent, meaningful life...despite...everything.

It was...ridiculous, the past couple of days. and its kind of...I dunno, I guess every believer's testimony has bittersweet elements, because we're all flawed human beings, here on a fallen world till He calls each of us home, and...yeah. yeah. so...

so, I was at a big box grocery store, getting what I wanted and needed. nothing fancy, just...more than I needed, but not luxe or anything. OK. self-check, paid, and...

the comments from around (this is a small, southern city...very close to my small, southern home town) were...harsh, per usual. not all, but some. by His grace...

the Good: He has blessed my parents and me. If I was subjected to what "typical 'mental patients' " are put thru (largely led by "helping professions..." but its not just them, of course...), then I'd be...

well, not in that store. probably "crazy," like I was till Jesus saw fit to intervene, big time. not that it was all "society's fault" in my life or anyone else's, just...

real world, I guess. spared, called to repentance, forgiven and redeemed (in progress...). be thankful it isn't (typical "mental patient" lifestyle, group home, hospital, jail, prison, homeless, etc.).

then the "bitter" part of the bittersweet testimony: yup. real world. the label, "Schizophrenia," may just...be something I have to deal with, for a while, yet. truth? I never was well liked or even tolerated 'round here, to begin with, but...

-shrug- in Christ, I can bear up under the (I see now...minor, all things considered...) junk thrown my way.

Maybe...maybe its the intense level of cruelty that gets to me, in those comments? keep in mind; at 23, I had been thru so much "psychiatric treatment" that a brain scan showed that I should probably be paralyzed and on a ventilator. ugh. the staff at the hospital laughed and nicknamed me "Frankenstein." and so...

Jesus is incredibly kind, and I am increasingly grateful. As He has seen fit to "...put off the old, put on the new..." in ways that result in a much more normal, new me...

I have come to love Him, more and more....and have grown ever more weary of the world -- as a whole -- and the "helping professions," which really do seem to be just cleverly disguised ways of controlling and/or destroying more and more people. lesson learned, I guess?

and I cannot work. I mean...if someone would let me work without being insulted with junk and labels and fired when they felt like (its happened...long story...), maybe I could. with labels and my own situation combined...

-shrug- I don't know -why- people attempt to control me, yet again. I suspect someone has checked my mail, more than once (long story), including one time with a replacement debit card (the original was damaged and aging badly...), which...

is both worrisome and --illegal-- , but...blah blah blah, I don't get. that's the thing...the deliberate destruction of the old me was not enough, and it never was going to be enough...

and now, in Christ...I'm healthy and smart and normal and close to my parents and...

man, people are throwing labels at me from way back ("oppositional defiant disorder" ? I'm 37!) and junk from an over priced hospitalization over 15 years ago, and...

-venting- more...not fearful, but wary and concerned than anything else. not that I'm tough or anything (LOL), just...yeah, "...fret not because of evil-doers..." and "cast your cares upon Him, for He cares for you..." and "...perfect Love casteth out all fear...," to just throw out a couple of verses on (much needed) loop in my mind.

a cousin seemed to hint that I'd be better off I could just accept the world around me for what it is, not over analyzing it and trying to rail against it or praise aspects of it, just...see it for what it is, and do what I can in Christ to just have a decent life. "...wise as serpents, innocent as doves...," basically. something like that, anyway.

real world? I pre-paid for gas today, and...awkward. that place...a nicer, locally owned place...I like it because they have a small video screen that plays while you're pumping...and the comments were ridiculous. real world? -shrug- I don't know what to make of it. I'm confused, because my parents are not exactly social butterflies or anything, I keep a low profile, and...

yeah. I don't get it. anyway, thanks, all of you

 

[Edward]

a cousin seemed to hint that I'd be better off I could just accept the world around me for what it is, not over analyzing it and trying to rail against it or praise aspects of it, just...see it for what it is, and do what I can in Christ to just have a decent life. "...wise as serpents, innocent as doves...," basically. something like that, anyway.

That makes sense to me. Stay focused on the Lord they are who they are. Seems like the closer to the Lord one gets the easier it gets to be able to read people at a glance. Discernment grows and you learn to stay away from certain people. Most times it's much safer to just go pray for them that at least their soul be saved. That's what Jesus woud do. Well, that's what Jesus did!