[__ Prayer __] darned if you do, darned if you don't...

[Christ_empowered]

I had -rough- life, pre-Jesus. committed all sorts of sins, labeled a "loser" from a young age, on and on and on. OK. 8 years into -truly Knowing Jesus- , I have been forgiven (I see now...that's the big thing...) and also remade into...wait for it, wait for it...a surprisingly normal Christian human being. OK. moving on...

16 years ago, I was put in a private for profit hospital. I'd OD'd on benzodiazepines (Valium-type drugs) and turned violent. I was tasered by the police, then electroshocked by the shrinks, on and on and on...

and my parents were -never- going to forgive me. Oh, and I was expected to be dead in 2 years or so, which I suppose is why the shrinks turned my parents against me and then tried to have me put in a homeless shelter. Thankfully, my parents nixed that. OK...

so, I was "never going to recover," and...I see now, the way the world works...people generally thought it was all my fault, hilarious, and all the more reason to make my life miserable. ugh. By His grace, I ended up surviving, coming to know Jesus, and now...

I'm 36. I kid you not, things were rough before I was hospitalized, but its been fairly non-stop punishment ever since then. My parents and I have reconciled. I'm not sure I can say that they have forgiven me. I'm sad about it, but...

truth? I don't think either of them are believers. Not saying that in a holier than thou way, either...they're obviously good people. While I was living at home (again), mama decided that I had "developed Schizophrenia." truth? so utterly destroyed, had The Lord not spared me, I would not have survived (shock treatments, operations, assaults, HIV/AIDS, on and on and on...), and I kind of think she was moved enough with pity and care to find a reason to let me back into the family...

as a "Schizophrenic," who "needs help." I'm...torn, honestly. I cannot work. A lot of it is because I'm so much of an outcast, yesterday a clerk at a convenience store was even picking on me. waxes and wanes, but its all fairly consistent. and now...

yeah, "recovered." I dunno. truth? I think God has seen fit to extend some mega-mercy my way, and I am increasingly thankful.

Ugh. People are now openly taunting me about "warrants" and "he has a felony" and on and on and on...

truth? I have a misdemeanor. I mean, its a serious one (Class A...in my state, the penalty for those is potentially a couple of years in prison...I got a suspended sentence, probation...), and I hope + pray there are no "warrants," because...

man oh man. I was arrested 8 years ago. got saved on bond. about 1 year later, -tense- sentencing hearing, probation for 3 years. So, I've been off probation (successfully) for 4 years, now. and...

my dad is even warming up to me, especially recently. nothing super emo or whatever, but...he'll talk to me about his job, and he'll even make some small talk, and I'm over there for dinner and such on a regular basis.

mama's gone the extra mile, big time. I -was- an ungrateful wretch, I -was- a pill head, I was...a lot of things, till Jesus moved on my heart and I got genuinely, truly saved. now, I'm healthy, much more grateful, apparently I have a "high IQ (estimate)," my parents are kind to me...

and the pressure is on, more and more. I live in a small, southern city near my parents' small, southern town. I just...don't know what to do.

I re-started a volunteer position at the same non-profit I'd volunteered at, pre-covid. And..taunting. I know, everyone's thinking: "he did too many drugs, now he's got Schizophrenia. sad," but the thing about it is...

ugh. I was on shaky ground, in terms of emo health, before drugs and psychiatry, and...blah blah blah. Now? I firmly believe that The Lord has blessed me-- just like all His other children -- with "...a spirit of power, a spirit of love, and a spirit of a sound mind...," and I'm seeing that, more and more, in my day to day life.

the voices are real. the harassment is real. last night, I was over at my parents, yet again...pizza, good times. OK, so on my way in, some lady on the porch at the neighbors' place was laughing about "oh well, I guess we were too hard on him. now he has a warrant...," and...

ugh. speaking of 'recovery,' I think I'm better able to grasp what's going on, here. -I don't matter to society- that's the big thing, and then I've also been labeled a "trouble maker," my parents' careers were in danger at various points, and now...

The Lord has seen fit to bring what looks an awful lot like deliverance. mama' been retired for a while now, thank God. Dad's got his pension and all, but they want him part time for a while yet, maybe a couple of years to go. We're all healthy. Despite me and the economy, and...blah blah blah...they're doing well financially, which I think is what a lot of this nonsense is about (started working class, decades later, they're in the well to do realm, by His grace).

blah blah blah...haven't typed out anything here I haven't typed out in any number of many many many posts, over 10 years (!) now, its just...

the level of hostility and ridicule is getting more intense, right now. so is my level of honest to goodness concern, as in...not freaking out ("perfect love casteth out all fear," and I'm getting there...), and not paranoia, just...concern.

I wish to goodness I'd made better decision earlier in life...thing is, now, I have to go by Scripture, which tells me that I am a "new creation, in Christ Jesus..."

and I'm beginning to think that this is never ending. ugh. I dunno...I'm constantly here for prayer, I know, I'm trying to turn more to Jesus directly, its just...

the level of cruelty that the mental health industry dishes out is -indescribable- , ok. people will yell out-- mentioning, by name, people who haven't "treated" me in over 15 years, a former manager at low wage, part time job over 15 years ago -- and its creepy, to put it mildly.

Honestly, I also come here because at least some people listen/read and provide meaningful and helpful replies. I love my parents, I love Jesus, and I'm blessed and...

I dunno. this honestly does seem never ending. please pray. replies are also --always-- a blessing, of course.

 

[Truthfrees]

praying

 

[for_his_glory]

God has brought you a long way from who you were and one thing with God is that He does not remember your past, but is more concerned about your future with Him. Keep pressing forward and give more testimony of what He has done in your life to the praise and glory of His name.

 

[Christ_empowered]

me, yet again. when I'd first moved back to the home area, about 10 years ago, i was meeting a friend in a dunkin donuts in a nearby town. some college age lady (I was...26, 27 at the time...) looked at me, laughed, and called me "society's reject." that's stuck with me, not because it still hurts or whatever, more like...

I was not the only one. start as cute, bright kid, "school to prison pipeline" hits, get mixed in with the wrong crowd, turn to shrinks for "help," only to be labeled and destroyed...

yeah. just another lost soul, out on the broad road. In true Romans 8:28 - style, God has seen fit to make all these horrible sins and horrible things...HIV/AIDS, the severe brain damage, everything...come together my good (and my parents', too, it seems). and...

truth? people like who I was -definitely- end up in prison, every day in America (in particular...can't speak for other nations...), and generally speaking...no one cares. many laugh and scorn; maybe some liberal do gooders wring their hands and do some studies on it, I dunno. rubber hits the road: another one bites the dust. me?

its a long, sad story I've rehashed too, too many times, but I've walked away from my old existence with only the class A misdemeanor. suspended sentence, probation. successfully off of probation for 4 years, now. and...

When I was at a Pentecostal rehab place, they weren't big on letting us read much, but they did keep these massive books on Protestant doctrine 101 around, mostly for show. I actually skimmed one, maybe I actually read it (?), and all I can remember is this little tid bit: God's work in this world is -always- met with opposition. which kinda makes me think...

news that I had "gotten religion" wasn't with opposition; laughter, mocking, more ridicule, all that...oh, yes. yes, indeed. that was 8 years ago. now...

against all odds, my parents kept their jobs. dad's only part time, now, easing out (I hope...) to a new, quieter life, post-employment. mama's been retired for a while now, almost long enough to truly recuperate from having to work with over-educated, self-important people who were far more dedicated to their own pride than ever were to any job or...wow, anyone or anything, really. ugh.

by His grace, they ended up well-to-do(ish). that started happening while I was at the Pentecostal rehab place. 1st mama got a promotion, a raise...then dad got a big raise, a promotion, on and on...

not bragging. God has seen fit to extend mega-mercy our way. fun fact: -especially- when dealing with the mental health industry, "rinky dink middle class" (an insult hurled at me for a long time, only every once and while now) is apparently..."not good enough." its also...not really safe and secure enough, from slander and cloak and dagger maneuvers that psychiatrists and their allies engage in, to destroy...'losers,' 'weaklings,' 'trouble makers,' pretty much...any human being they label and dope up, and then destroy, when and if they feel like it. no, this isn't 'radical antipsychiatry;' this is real life, specifically -my real life- , and I am hoping that at least some people will skim over all this and think two times, 3 times, about going to or going back to a "mental health professional." moving on...

Before I even came to truly know Jesus, I said that "Jesus healed me!," or...something like that. I still get ridiculed for it, but the thing is...no treatment for my many physical health problems, no way anyone can "recover" from that level of deliberately inflicted brain damage, no way my parents would be able and willing to provide a much needed -modest- , but comfortable lifestyle....

except thru an act of God bordering upon the miraculous. true story. and so...

rambling, I kinda sorta "get it," more, now. The Lord saw fit to spare me, bring me to repentance, and now...He's seen fit to bless my parents me, big time. Can't claim that I ever did anything to deserve it or anything. I mean...no one deserves to be electroshocked and deliberately traumatized and labeled and laughed at, while obviously dying of AIDS (no, really), but...

it does happen, out there in the 'real world,' the broad road. I know this, now. And I think -that- part of The Lord blessing me with lucidity, "...a spirit of a -sound mind- ..." is part of what is driving this...concern. not nail biting fear, definitely not 'paranoia,' just...concern.

see, I think one reason I was forever rehashing and revisting what I'd gone thru -- what the combo of sin, satan, self, and the world had resulted in, until Jesus intervened -- is because in my case, psychiatry was a huge contributing factor. fun fact: "psychiatric treatment" = brain damage. its...what they do. and since my "well regarded psychiatrists" chose to make an example out of me (no, really...trust me on this one), I was not only dead eyed, physically sick, and traumatized...

its really only quite recently that I've been made whole, at least...whole to the point where I get it, more and more completely. there is not only no real hope in the mental health industry, there's no real healing or growth or...anything. the talking ones want you to think what they tell you to think and live how they tell you to live, and then pay at the end of each session. the pill doctors want you to "accept that you have an illness" and pay them and pay for the pills and the periodic hospitalizations, and all it really boils down to is...

shut up! ugh. it was such a stupid, sinful waste of my parents' resources, insurance, and my own life. I Praise Jesus for His love and mercy.

thing is, now that The Lord has made me healthy! smart! bright eyed! remarkably normal! reconciled to my loving and kind and now well to do parents! ...

it would appear that the claws are out 'round here, so to speak. People laughed about putting me in prison, I had school to prison pipeline written all over me...I see that, now. Obviously, I didn't, when I was younger and still in my mess.

now? now, I sense -real- animosity, real hatred, real venom...and its beginning to seem, more and more, like maybe the whole thing is...well, just the way the world works.

God is Good, of course. In my book, my parents come in a not at all distant 2nd. and...I'm rather inclined to believe that those still on the broad road are the same as when I was on it, maybe things have waxed a tad worse, and...

-shrug- I dunno. I do ask that you all pray for my parents and me. truth? labeled a "loser" since middle school at the latest, not even supposed to be alive (no, really...brain scans to prove it, lol) by age 23...

yeah, its a cruel, rough world out there. thankfully, Jesus saw fit to spare me and bring me out. thing is...

now, I'm more of pariah than ever. I don't...think there is a place to go where my records and labels and such won't follow me (trust me, I have moved). so, this is where I live. like any other Christian, I appreciate having a nice, modest place...what I need + a tad extra...but, it is true, isn't it? "this world is not my home," or...something to that effect.

ok. thanks, once again.

 

[Shittim]

Our best is ahead of us in Christ, bless you dear friend.