Emotions and Misunderstandings

[stovebolts]

Does anyone else ever feel like they've been misunderstood by somebody else on this forum and try as you might, reconciliation just doesn't occur?

If I were to look at what communication is, I'd say that it's cause, distance and effect with intent for duplication.

What do I mean by that? Lets break it down.

I have a cause when I write. I think we all have a reason when we write something, but there is this distance between what I write and where you read it. Often, whatever we write will have an effect on the reader but our intent should always be that our cause is articulated concisely with the reader so they can understand clearly.

This isn't always the easiest task because writing is so one dementional. Communication is so much more than just writing and it's even much more than our words. It's the inflection of our voice and the way we move our body etc. But even then it's easy to be misunderstood because often, what we say isn't what is being heard on the other end for multiple reasons.

I can't be alone when it comes to this topic, so I thought we could all just kind of put our 2 cents in.

 

[jasoncran]

my part in that is that my grammar adds to the problem. but with eschatology i get that alot. i do try to read what others post but a times i do the same thing that i complain about. ignore the posters statement and see what i want too and post.

 

[Davies]

Hi StoveBolts,

I think a lot of times, when communication is clear, especially when duplicate attempts are made to clarify the point, many times the threat to a held belief can shutdown communication.

I know I've had emotional responses to what people have said, and then I insert foot in mouth; communication is lost. What I think we see, when people misunderstand, is what is in the heart of a person. This could be a reason why many people avoid blogging or writing in public, because they don't want to expose themselves to criticism. It's too much for them to bear. This is similar to what John writes about in John 3:19.

John 3:19

New King James Version (NKJV)

<sup class="versenum">19 </sup>And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.

Communication can be shutdown even over the most gentle criticism. There is a big, black cloud hanging over much of this site called pride which I think is the main source of communication shutdown... thus frustration.

We need to put on our anti-electro-magnetic pride gear... putting on the Lord Jesus Christ.

Romans 13:14

New King James Version (NKJV)

<sup class="versenum">14 </sup>But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.

- Davies

 

[reba]

Does anyone else ever feel like they've been misunderstood by somebody else on this forum and try as you might, reconciliation just doesn't occur?

All the time....

post only scripture and they say what are your thoughts

post your thoughts and they say where are the scriptures

post both and they say you dont understand the verses

But Paul and Pete didn't understand each other.....

What i find odd in folks understanding me is them thinking i have some hidden meaning... I am blunt hopeful to the point


No Stove your not alone not at all.... you stated your thoughts very well....

 

[stovebolts]

Thanks Reba. I know sometimes I just ramble at times and I don't articulate very well. Also, I've been told that I sound mean. Well, sometimes I am mean, but most often I'm pretty chill, but my words are direct so I think people take me as mean sometimes. Jason knows this about me because we talk all the time. And yes Jason, your grammer does get in the way which is why talking to you helps me in so many ways because I know you, so I understand what your saying, even when it's not written very clearly. Please don't take that wrong Jason, sometimes my grammer stinks too.

Davies,
You hit on a key point. Pride. I know that we all have a pride issue.. I'm pretty sure it's in our nature. I think also that sometimes we take past arguments where we've been hurt and reflect on those when we talk to new people on this site and we jump to wrong conclusions. I know I've done that in the past and I know what that feels like when I'm doing it, so I think I've gotten pretty good at catching that feeling and not letting myself argue a point somebody else didn't make.

Sometimes I really wonder what heaven is going to be like.... lol. All us misfits hanging around lol... God sure has a sense of humor huh? lol I often wonder why that's why scripture uses the body as the example cause I can really feel like a foot sometimes.

 

[Aardverk]

Hi StoveBolts & Davies

You both make excellent points. I'm sure you will know that I annoy people from time to time by taking an opposite view - often just to extend the debate but I rarely intend to be rude or offensive. Well, sometimes in retaliation to rudeness maybe

By trying to extend the debate, I take a few risks but isn't it right to get people to think? If we all thought the same way and knew the same facts, it would be a pretty dull world. I have learnt an enormous amount here by asking difficult questions - and both of you have helped me. Even though we may disagree from time to time, I sincerely thank you.

Misunderstandings - yes indeed. The mere fact that someone asks a difficult question does not mean that they are being insulting OR saying that the other person is wrong but that is the way some people always seem to take it.

 

[jasoncran]

Jeff. lol i think i call you too much. well we talk much about this place anyway. so i know that helps.

 

[Davies]

Hi StoveBolts & Davies

You both make excellent points. I'm sure you will know that I annoy people from time to time by taking an opposite view - often just to extend the debate but I rarely intend to be rude or offensive. Well, sometimes in retaliation to rudeness maybe

By trying to extend the debate, I take a few risks but isn't it right to get people to think? If we all thought the same way and knew the same facts, it would be a pretty dull world. I have learnt an enormous amount here by asking difficult questions - and both of you have helped me. Even though we may disagree from time to time, I sincerely thank you.

Misunderstandings - yes indeed. The mere fact that someone asks a difficult question does not mean that they are being insulting OR saying that the other person is wrong but that is the way some people always seem to take it.

Thanks Aardverk,

I took English 101 about six years ago in community college, and though I did well in the class, I never felt as if writing became any easier. Coupled with writing difficulty and Bible literacy, we have an environment ripe for misunderstanding. I think it's funny when I hear the phrase, 'Don't talk about religion or politics,' because so few people are established in one or the other.

- Davies

 

[for_his_glory]

Steve, I think this is where the phrase comes to play......"be slow to read and even slower to speak." We all want to be right in what we post and stand on what we believe, but we can miss it at times when others bring light to the topic at hand. I know many times I had to rethink that of what I posted and dig even deeper in scripture than what I had. Like you said, all we see is what is typed, but not the actual emotions of the person as in how they want to present what they have typed. It's like with me in the real world. My voice is very mellow-toned and when I say something to someone they take it as I am criticizing them, but I'm not as it's just the sound of my natural voice. I try to make what I write simple and short as I can get long winded in what I want to bring forth and in doing so I am sure I leave out points I would like to explain. If we are misunderstanding that of anothers post just ask for an explanation and do your homework. With such a variety of beliefs and religions that come into forums we are not always going to agree, but we should never ever criticize or put one down for their belief and if I have ever done this to anyone here please forgive me.

Good topic Steve and God bless.

 

[jasoncran]

its jeff not steve,lol.

 

[Fedusenko]

Oh yes, all the time! I think my problem is that my words are a hammer trying to do surgery. That and metaphores...

 

[stovebolts]

Thanks everyone! Good to read that I'm not alone!

 

[Aardverk]

...................With such a variety of beliefs and religions that come into forums we are not always going to agree, but we should never ever criticize or put one down for their belief and if I have ever done this to anyone here please forgive me.............

Well said for_his_glory. I would also like to apologize if I have criticized or put anyone down for their beliefs. I try not to but sarcasm sometime gets the better of me.

 

[stovebolts]

Well said for_his_glory. I would also like to apologize if I have criticized or put anyone down for their beliefs. I try not to but sarcasm sometime gets the better of me.

Ha ha, I know that you and I have went rounds before and both of us have been able to dig the worst out of each other. Your alright though once I got to know you.

 

[Aardverk]

I know you were talking about the forum but I would like to share an 'emotional misunderstanding' that occurred in the real world last night because it illustrates your point so well - to me.

My wife and I were talking about Christmas and the fact that two of our grown up sons (30ish) would visit Christmas day. She said that she would tell them 'not to drink too much the day before as she didn't want them hung-over'. I cautioned her that they were not children but guests in our house and we wouldn't tell any other guests how to behave. Also, that they would interpret her comments as controlling and may not make the effort to visit us at future Christmases.

She was clearly upset with me for saying that and equally clearly unable to even consider my suggestion. She could not see anything wrong with telling her own sons how to behave and was near to tears. It led to an awkward evening with me really not understanding why she was upset with me.

Today, she explained that she felt last night that I was criticizing her mothering skills and effectively saying that she was a bad mother. Having slept on it, her shame emotions from feeling a 'bad mother' had subsided and she was able to agree that the most important thing was to be good hosts and not controlling parents. She fully recognized that I was only trying to help but thought that I should have realized why she was upset. The fact is - I simply hadn't realized.

Misunderstanding and emotion. Difficult to avoid. Parenting - difficult to know when to back off.

 

[stovebolts]

Well, I tried twice to write a response to you from my smart phone and both times I got a call and it wiped my message out. grrrr So, this is a shorter version of what I was trying to say cause I have to run.

I know it's tough to know when to back off your children. As our children get older, I believe that we lead by way of influence, and not authority. It sounds like your children may feel as they are being told what to do in an authoritative manner, which would cause them to push back.

The Bible tells us to honor our parents, and I think that's a good thing. I can also see your wife's point because it sounds like maybe she wants to see her children mentally intact, and not hung over, especially on such a special day. I can see where it would make her feel like a second class citizen playing second fiddle to all the excitement the kids had the night before. I assume your wife puts a lot into her meals and tries to make it a special day. So I can see how she may feel that having them come over half drunk or hung over takes away from her enjoyment. Certainly to ask the kids to honor her for one day isn't asking too much.

But I think your point is well taken too that we as parents cannot come across as controlling. That is why we lead by influence, and not authority. Our children will always be our children and I don't think I could ever treat any of my kids as a guest and my oldest is 27. All of our kids know what to expect when they come around the house and even though we don't approve of some of the things they do, they know not to do it around us because they honor us, and in our household, it seems to work pretty well.

I'll be praying for your friend and take care.

 

[Carolyn]

please forgive me for offending some of you. I rarely am aware of having done so unless someone brings it to my attention. It is almost never my intent. Sometimes I suspect that something went wrong because people dropped the thread.
You are right in that emotions can affect both how we perceive a post but also how we word a post . Right now I am trying to use my new pad to post. It often fills in UN wanted words for me, drops my post and I
find myself on a different page or an endless variety of other surprises. To add to the frustration, i am trying to do all this while under the influence. Major surgery has me dealing with pain and drugs. Neither help me think with clarity.

MANY other people on this forum are dealing with pain as they write. Some are also dealing with the grief that accompanies severe illness in themselves or in a close family member but they never reveal this. The frustrations of daily life affect all of US to some extent--bills to pay no work, the car won't start, the dog won't stop barking. They affect our attitudes while we read as well as when we write. So we all need to forbear one another in love and cut each other a lot of slack. When our brother offends US we need to bless him and pray for him. I know that I could use your prayers and I am sure a lot of you feel the same way. We all need each other.

 

[iLOVE]

Because we are unique, understanding comes to us in different ways.

 

[tim-from-pa]

It is oftentimes hard to understand the person's intent or feeling by just the text. In that case, use emoticons. That's why they took off since the invention of email.

Sometimes, a person is very clear, and want to just needle or get some sort of rise out of another, despite compelling evidence that what they are saying is bunk. It's amazing what some people will believe in other words. In that case, just place them on the ignore list after they pushed your buttons for no good reason too many times. A person does not have the honor of making my idiot list too often as I am very tolerant and can take pretty much, and I try to be patient, but I do have self-respect enough not to let myself be unjustifiably abused after awhile. There are some here on that list but rules say not to tell. You can tell if I don't answer ya, ever. :D

 

[for_his_glory]

Ha ha, I know that you and I have went rounds before and both of us have been able to dig the worst out of each other. Your alright though once I got to know you.

Ya, I can be a hard candy shelled on the outside, but soft and gooey on the inside, LOL. Plus anyone who puts pics of cool cars in here can't be all bad.